


The Lasting Affect Of A Single Word

by Loveofkookie



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Racing, Angst, Bad Boy Kim Taehyung | V, Blow Jobs, Bottom Jeon Jungkook, Coming Out, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insomnia, Jeon Jungkook & Kim Namjoon | RM are Siblings, Jeon Jungkook is a Sweetheart, Kim Taehyung | V is Bad at Feelings, Kim Taehyung | V is a Little Shit, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Overdosing, Rimming, Slow Burn, Smut, Street Racing, Tattoo Artist Kim Taehyung | V, Tattooed Kim Taehyung | V, Top Kim Taehyung | V, taekook, yoonmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:09:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 154,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23635120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveofkookie/pseuds/Loveofkookie
Summary: Family is supposed to be a safe haven. For Taehyung, it's the place where he finds his deepest heartache.Hurt people hurt people.But what happens when Kim Taehyung meets Jeon Jungkook.***“Will you hurt me?” Jeongguk whispers, looking at him with so much affection.“No.” He lies.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Min Yoongi | Suga/Park Jimin
Comments: 113
Kudos: 287





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> This will be my only warning, if you cannot tell by the tags, this story contains some heavy stuff. If any of my material is upsetting to you then I apologise but you have been warned. 
> 
> Other than that I hope you enjoy. :)

&;amp;amp;lt;br /&;amp;amp;gt; 

It’s a Thursday when he meets them. 

Jeongguk’s had a long, tiring day. He’s a couple of months into university and it’s finally starting to kick start, being handed report after report, Jeongguk feels exhausted, deprived of physical and mental strength. Physical because he’s lost countless nights of sleep, fretting and stressing over heaps of work, gradually growing on his already small desk, piling on top of one another and overwhelming the shit out of him. Mental because he just can’t wrap his overloaded brain around certain topics. He’s having great difficulty focusing in class, feeling tired from the lack of sleep, causing him to miss important information and equations during his lectures, struggling to keep his eyes open while his professor blathers on about finding the right formula. Thus, creating a never ending cycle. 

Jeongguk left school early after his professor pulled a no show, the whole class waiting around for at least some cover work. They were roughly 15 minutes in when the class got told they were free to leave, Jeongguk only had that one lecture for the entirety of the day, meaning he was free to do what he wanted. Only, he had a lot of work to catch up on so he opted to go home, immerse himself in piles and piles of report papers. He’s a business major which sadly means there’s a lot of maths involved, something Jeongguk struggles with. 

His campus isn’t too far from home, meaning he didn’t have to apply for an accommodation and was able to go home when he pleased. It was roughly a 35 minute walk to his shared home with his brother, consequently getting a bus or a lift to the campus to save him from using his tired limbs from actually moving.

He ends up home not long after being informed of his professor's absence. His friend, Eunwoo, gave him a lift home, he doesn’t live too far from the campus as well. Jeongguk exits the car with a quick “thank you” and a wave before heading towards his front door. He hastily searches for his keys in his black jean pockets, just ready to be in the comfort of his own home. 

What he didn’t expect however, was four extra heads staring at him when he finally unlocked his door, stepping inside and in the middle of taking his black loafers off. He stands frozen, leg bent whilst grabbing for his shoe. He recognises three of them, he looks to Namjoon first, noticing how his brother's mouth is hung with lips slightly parted and his eyes wide. Hoseok and Seokjin had come over plenty of times before. They’re often round on a Friday night before slipping out the front door as if Jeongguk was too oblivious to notice. At first Namjoon used to tiptoe around Jeongguk, sneaking out when he thinks no one is looking, especially when their grandma was around. However, after Jeongguk caught them a few times, Namjoon wasn’t so reluctant to introduce them, learning that both hyungs are quite nice. Yet he remains cut off, not telling Jeongguk where he escapes to most nights. The younger never asks, doesn’t feel like they are at that stage yet where he’s close enough to his brother to question him. 

Jimin,  _ he thinks that’s his name _ , has only ever been over once. They got on considerably well when they met, it was a brief conversation, they shared their undying love for Mario kart and promised the younger to a round. He later on learnt that Jimin and Seokjin are cousins. But there’s another person, unknown to Jeongguk, with blonde hair and a petite frame, a total contrast to the flat expression on his face. 

They continue staring at the younger, Jeongguk finally slipping out of his loafers. The unknown stranger cocks his head to the side, creasing his forehead with a frown, looking straight at Jeongguk as if his mere presence is confusing. It’s only then that Jeongguk realises their laughter fades and he blinks, looking back at his brother whose face slightly drains of colour. 

  
  


“Jeongguk,” Namjoon straightens up, facing his younger brother with a pointed look “what are you doing home so early?”

“No teacher so no class.” Jeongguk says with a shrug, abandoning his bag along with his shoes.

“What about other classes?” Jungkook advances towards the sofa, stopping when he’s a few feet away from where Jimin is sitting, smiling at the latter with a small “Hi hyung,” and a shy wave, ignoring Namjoons question for now.

“Hey, Guk,” Jimin beams, leaping from the sofa to ruffle the younger's hair before caging him in a sweet hug. Jeongguk just smiles and accepts it. Hoseok says a quick hello in greeting with a broad smile. Namjoon raises an eyebrow in question, sending his younger brother a look.

“It’s a Thursday hyung, that’s my only lecture.” Namjoon just nods in understanding, his brother looks around the room lost, as if this is the most bizarre sight. In reality, it’s very normal to have friends over so he doesn’t understand why Namjoon looks like a teenage boy being caught red handed for not telling his parents he was bringing friends over. No, Namjoon is a grown man, 27 years old so this makes no sense to Jeongguk. He decides to stop over analysing everything and send his brother a sweet, genuine smile, Namjoon eventually calming and returning it with the same energy. 

“Who are you?” The blonde boy questions, furrowing his eyebrows and eyeing Jeongguk with a strange look. The unknown friend averts his gaze back to Namjoon, looking for an answer. The younger feels uncomfortable, feeling so out of place in his own home. 

“Guk,” his brother's voice draws Jeongguk’s attention back to said person who spoke. “This is Yoongi,” Namjoon says, vaguely waving his hand in Jeongguk's direction. “And Yoongi, this is my… brother.” He paused at the end, seeming reluctant to introduce the pair. 

At his words the boy, now known as Yoongi, snaps his head to Jeongguk then back to his friend. “Brother?” Yoongi furrows his brows further if possible, confusion clear in his tone. Jeongguk can’t help but feel slightly hurt, why hasn’t his brother mentioned him to his friends? He knows that they’re not very close but they've been getting better, right? 

Seokjin takes this silence as a good opportunity to follow his cousin's lead and greet the youngest with a hug. “How’s uni going, Guk?” Jeongguk appreciates how Seokjin changes the topic, shifting everyone’s attention away from the building tension in the room, completely ignoring Yoongi’s confusion. Namjoon will explain later, he assumes. 

“Uh,” Jeongguk adverts his eyes to the floor, scratching the back of his neck. “Not very well, I’m so behind on my work because I just don’t know how to answer some of the questions.” 

“What’s your major?” Seokjin asks. 

“Business major.” Jeongguk remembers debating which major to choose at the beginning. He’s always enjoyed art, finding it relaxing, how he can turn a once plain canvas into something beautiful. That’s more of a hobby, art being a competitive industry to go into, he wouldn’t be guaranteed a well paid job. So Jeongguk opted for a business major instead, deciding it’d be the most practical option for him. Getting a job in some company, his own office with a desk and a window, the simpler option. t’s what his father wants, next to him taking up law of course. He learnt that the hard way, that their family wouldn’t be accepting if Jeongguk followed his dreams and studied art. His brother had fallen victim to their fathers rage and disappointment when he decided to study music. Their mother may not voice her disappointment like their father did, but Jeongguk knows she wouldn’t approve of their far fetched dreams. Don’t get him wrong, Jeongguk enjoys his major, he just struggles with the math side of the subject, which is what he ends up telling Seokjin.

“I remember business in college,” Seokjin smiles, remembering the hell he went through back then. “Oh they were the days, no wonder you’re struggling kid, business was hard and boring.”

“Yeah, but you did so well in that subject, practically making it seem like the easiest major to take.” Upon hearing this, Jeongguk perks up, seeing his brother giving Seokjin an amused look. “That’s true,” suddenly Seokjin is looking at the youngest, there’s a glint in his eyes coupled with a sweet and genuine smile.

“You know, I could help you if you wanted Guk. You could come over and we can look through your reports then pinpoint what you’re stuck on and go from there?” Seokjin looks at Namjoon, silently asking for permission. Noring on his bottom lip, Jeongguk also looks towards his brother, sending him a pleading look. Jeongguk thinks this could be really good for him. If he’s honest, he really needs the help and Seokjin seems nice. He’s so overwhelmed with his work and honestly doesn’t think he’ll be able to catch up, Seokjin’s offer could save his ass. 

Namjoon seems hesitant at first but smiles fondly at the pair, giving them both a small nod in agreement, that’s all the permission Jeongguk needed. “That would be really good hyung, thank you.” He says, sending him a sincere smile.

Jimin beams at this, immediately mirroring Seokjin’s sweet smile. “What about tomorrow? We can finally have that round of Mario kart.” Jimin knows this would most likely provoke the youngest into agreeing, guessing Jeongguk is the competitive type and, well, he’s not wrong.

“Sure, that would be amazing.” He sends them both a shy smile. 

They leave not long after. Both Seokjin and Jimin pull him into a small hug, Yoongi’s the first to leave, sending Jeongguk a nod and telling Namjoon he’ll see him tomorrow. Jeongguk decided to ignore that for now. Hoseok follows after but not before ruffing his hair. Seokjin is the one that stays back, trading numbers and sending them both a warm smile.

It’s now just Jeongguk and Namjoon, the two standing so out of place in each other’s presence. “Have you eaten yet?” His brother asks, scratching the back of his neck and glances at the kitchen, knowing there isn’t a lot to make up a full meal.

“No but I’m not that hungry, something simple will do.” His brother nods, already walking in the direction of the small kitchen. Their place isn’t the biggest but, it’s not the smallest either. The living area is dimly lit with mute coloured walls except for one grey wall. Most of the light comes from the big windows, highlighting the dark, rustic furniture decorating the apartment. The place is overall quite nice, simple yet it fits Namjoons personality well. 

Jeongguk hasn’t lived here for very long. When he was young, his brother and his parents all lived happily together, or so Jeongguk liked to think. He was a little boy when that happened, so he doesn’t quite remember the finer details. 

At a young age, Jeongguk and his brother had to live with his grandma, both his parents started to work away from home, travelling around the world to work in different companies. But never together, both parents travelling to separate places. It started off as a few days. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, before both brothers knew it, their parents were hardly around. 

When Jeongguk was 12 his brother moved out, his brother being 20 at the time. He never really understood his brother. They were close when they were very little but over time, Namjoon became bitter, never towards Jeongguk himself of course, but more towards their parents. He was cut off from the family, opting to sit in his room and eat rather than at the dinner table like the rest of the family. Most of the time Namjoon was out with, what Jeongguk assumes, his friends. Possibly some of the friends Jeongguk has met now. 

Over time his parents working away became more frequent and Jeongguk hardly saw his parents, leaving just Jeongguk and his grandma left. For a while it was peaceful, he loves his grandma dearly, she was the sweetest human being. Always there for Jeongguk for the littlest of things, be it a bad day at school or even when his pet fish died. He remembers the funereal. However, Jeongguk always missed Namjoon, craving that brotherly affection. Yet, he cherishes the moments they spent together and wouldn’t trade her for the world. 

But then the cancer hit. 

She couldn’t care for herself anymore, her body deprived of strength and energy, she needed that support. They moved in with Namjoon after a while, he refused to leave the pair on their own, wanting to help out as much as possible. 

A month later she died in hospital, her crippled body not being able to fight it off anymore. Jeongguk loves her profoundly, she raised him as if he was her own. The thought always makes him choke up, a knot forming in the back of his throat.

He swallows it. 

He’s now living with his brother. It’s still fairly awkward between the two, constantly tiptoeing around each other. Trying to make sure to not cross any unknown boundaries. They have a lot to learn about the other, a bond to mend but, they’re getting better. Slowly they are learning more and more. They tend to have a few movie nights, getting comfortable with each other as if there was never a time of separation, slowly slipping back to how they once were. Not completely though, Namjoon still hides stuff from him. 

Jeongguk soon learns his brother is quite protective. Fussing over the amount of meals he has a day, if he’s getting enough sleep etc. He especially notices how Namjoon does  _ not _ want Jeongguk meeting his friends, he finds it fairly odd, particularly Yoongi, he evidently didn’t know Jeongguk even existed. For now though, Jeongguk will ignore it.  _ Another time _ he thinks. 

For now he decided to join his brother in the kitchen, them both easily moving around each other. Jeongguk passes the utensils Namjoon needs and Namjoon sends him a grateful smile each time. They continue like this until they settle in the living room, bowl of ramen in their lap as they watch whatever crap they can find on TV.

Jeongguk is comfortable like this. 

  
  
  
  


*** 

  
  
  
  


Jimin’s and Seokjin’s place is a lot bigger than he expected. 

Jeongguk just finished his last lecture when he got a text from Seokjin saying Jimin is parked outside. The ride to the apartment was surprisingly nice. There was no awkwardness at all considering they’ve only met twice. No, instead they spoke about their interests, mostly talking about different types of video games they enjoy.

They astonishingly have quite a bit in common. Both are very competitive when it comes to games, especially Mario kart they soon learn. 

Looking around the apartment, Jeongguk realises how his initial idea of the place was far from right. It’s very spacious and ornate, not over the top but much nicer than their place. There’s a leather couch in the middle of the open living room, facing a decent sized TV. There’s a full kitchen, very well kept compared to how messy Namjoon’s and his kitchen is. The place screams light and colour, but it’s not too much where Jeongguk feels overwhelmed. 

He’s perched on the leather couch, following Jimin's lead, like he doesn’t belong. Taking out his reports, he balances his bag in his lap, a textbook on the left of him and a calculator on the right of him. He rummages around his bag in hopes to find a pen. 

Seokjin joins him not long later with a few snacks in hand, not too many since it’s already late and neither of them have eaten a proper meal yet. 

Jeongguk soon discovers that Seokjin is a genius. He made his reports seem piss easy, like some toddler could answer them with no difficulty. He describes it in such a way that Jeongguk understood instantly, he’s not sure how he was stuck in the first place. Seokjin went through everything with him, breaking it down into steps that Jeongguk comprehends easily, now being able to answer most of the calculations on his own. A small weight has been lifted from his shoulder, one that has been weighing on his for a long time. He breaths, long and deep, the stress now creeping out his body, relaxation moving in its place. 

He’s not completely stress free though, Jeongguk still has stacks upon stacks of reports to finish. Along with a new assignment to complete within a few weeks. This however, is a good start. He requires less effort, now being able to focus on the other aspects of his course. 

“You’re amazing, do you know that Hyung?” He says after releasing a long groan, hitting the dip between his neck and his shoulder for emphasis. “Don’t boost his ego too much.” Jimin teases. 

Seokjin half smiles in amusement. “It just takes practice,” he says with a wave of his hand, dismissing Jeongguk’s praise. “You’ve got a long way to go yet I’m afraid.” Jeongguk let’s out another groan of frustration at this, his once peaceful state ruined by that small reminder. 

“Don’t worry, you’re more than welcome to come back and we can go over the rest.” The eldest says, raising from the couch and stretching his tired limbs.

“Thanks hyung but you don’t-“ 

“Don’t be silly, we like having you here. I’m not sure why your brother has been hiding you for so long. You’re just so adorable Guk.” Jimin says, pinching Jeongguk’s cheek. 

“I’m not adorable.” Jeongguk pouts, proving Jimin’s statement further. He appreciates this though, it’s nice to feel wanted. Although he doesn’t understand why his brother hid him from his friends, they seem really nice. 

“Hyung,” Seokjin hums, headings towards the kitchen. He starts glancing through his cabinet, seemingly considering what to make. 

“Why was yoongi-ssi so confused that I was Namjoon’s brother, does he uh,” he starts scratching the back of his neck. “Does he not mention me?” 

Jeongguk doesn’t mean to sound like a whiny child. He can’t help but voice his confusion, as much as he tried to conceal his expression, you can easily detect the hurt in his tone. Both cousins share a look, concern written on both their faces. “Jeongguk,” Seokjin hesitates, contemplating on what to say or if he should be saying anything at all. “Namjoon, he’s— he’s just very protective of you.” He frowns, what is he protecting him of? Embarrassment? Does he not want his friends to meet him? Does Namjoon think he’s embarrassing? 

“I don’t see how that’s protecting me, you guys are his friends and seem really nice, you wouldn’t help me with,” he gestures towards the scattered bits of paper laying lifeless, cluttering his once tidy living room. “This.” Seokjin sighs, but it’s not out of displeasure, he’s just unsure how to word it so he’s not revealing too much to the youngest but in a way he’ll understand. 

“What Jin is trying to say,” Jimin steps in, glancing towards his cousin before regarding Jeongguk again. “We all care for your brother but you have to understand that we aren’t exactly normal.” Now Jeongguk is definitely confused, what does he mean by  _ ‘normal.’ _

His confusion must show since Jimin starts scrambling for words. “We all have our demons, Namjoon included. We deal with things differently, for us, it’s not the best method.” 

“So you guys what? Get up to a little trouble?”  _ Doesn’t everyone, _ Jeongguk thinks. He still doesn’t fully understand. 

“We don’t, well, we do.” Jimin begins to chuckle, it’s not dark, he seems genuinely amused. “We’re just not as bad, we try to stay out of trouble as much as possible. It’s the others Namjoon is worried about.”

“Others?” In the corner of his eye, Jeongguk notices Seokjin’s brows knitting, as if he’s trying to decipher something. “You mean like Yoongi-ssi?”

“Yeah, like Yoongi.” Seokjin says before Jimin can open his mouth. Jeongguk observes the look Seokjin gives his cousin, Jimin, looking like he wanted to object. “Who else?” Jeongguk can’t help but ask, he’s curious now. Who else is there? And what is it they do that’s so bad that Namjoon wants to protect him. 

“Taehyung, you haven’t met him but he’s one of the worst for finding trouble. They get themselves into bad situations, things you don’t want to get involved in.” Seokjin says, stopping what he was doing, placing the metal utensils down on his well kept kitchen counter. His attention on this conversation. 

“They're not bad people, Guk,” Jimin interjects. “They just do bad things.” Jeongguk nods understandingly, it makes sense. He’s never met Taehyung or even knows what Yoongi is like but, the way Jimin and Seokjin speak about them, makes Jeongguk break out in goosebumps. This is all so— interesting to Jeongguk, he knows there’s more to it than this. 

Which makes him think.

“Does Namjoon-hyung,” he considers his word, hesitant to find out the truth. “Does he get himself into trouble too?” Noring on the bottom of his lip, Jeongguk takes a nervous glance at the pair.

“No, he doesn’t, not really. Namjoon knows right from wrong and doesn’t do nearly half as much as Yoongi or Taehyung.” Seokjin sends him a reassuring smile. Jeongguk lets out a small breath, feeling relief flood his body. 

It makes sense, Jeongguk doesn’t know what his brother does but it makes sense. All of the times Namjoon sneaked out or tiptoed around Jeongguk, he’s sure it’s all related to what Seokjin and Jimin are talking about. He doesn’t know how yet. 

Jeongguk doesn’t get to ask, Jimin quickly changing the conversation. He’s handing Jeongguk some controls with a smirk, Jeongguk gracefully accepting them whilst mirroring Jimin’s smirk. He lets his mind rest and his competitive side take over. 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


It’s a few weeks later when it happens. 

For the past month, Jeongguk has been constantly round Seokjin and Jimin’s, it’s become somewhat of a routine for him. Seokjin still helps him with his never ending course work and Jimin decides to distract him each time with a friendly competition, it’s usually some video game but it changes each time and each time Jeongguk wins. Jimin pouts but moves on to the next game. Every so often Namjoon will be round, both him and Seokjin helping him with his work. He didn’t realise how intelligent Namjoon was, thinking about it now, he’s surprised he was this oblivious, Namjoon fits the stereotypical genius. Often wearing round rimmed glasses and neatly pushed back hair. 

They’ve helped him a lot recently, Jeongguk was able to hand in one of his assignments in time all because of his hyungs help. Most importantly, he was able to get to know them more, even Hoseok who occasionally comes over, joining Jimin and Jeongguk in a match of whatever game is on at the time. 

He genuinely really enjoys visiting them all, he’s grown accustomed to their place, basically his second home. Which is why he decided to surprise visit them. 

It was another Thursday when his teacher made another no show, this time however, everyone was informed previous to the lecture starting. Namjoon was out with both Hoseok and Seokjin, his brother still not telling him where he was off to but guesses it’s work related. Jeongguk should go home, get started on more of his work since he technically has a free day, take this opportunity to get on top of it all. He doesn’t.

Instead, he decides to visit Jimin, assuming the latter isn't out, if so, Jeongguk will just go home. He’s hoping Jimin is home and they can finish their game of Overwatch, Jimin caught up on the tally chart of wins, Jeongguk just can’t let that happen. It’s mostly an excuse for him to see his small Hyung and a good way to procrastinate. Their apartment isn’t too far from his campus, he’s been picked up multiple times, making a map in the back of his head on how to get there. 

It’s roughly a 15 minute walk until he arrives. Gently knocking on the ostensibly simple door 3 times before it opens, expecting to see Jimin Hyung on the other end. Instead, he finds himself face to face with a familiar small, blonde haired hyung, his eyes are dark and piercing, lips pulled into a confused frown.

“Yoongi-ssi” Jeongguk gapes, his eyes and mouth frozen wide open in an expression of stunned surprise. An unsettling sensation rushing through his whole being and he regards the elder in front of him. His gaze advances to the second figure he can see in the corner of his eye. The tall figure or, Jeongguk assumes he’s tall considering he’s sat on the leather sofa, has olive skin and a head of black curls, a few shades darker than Jeongguk’s hair. His hair’s fairly longer than Jeongguk’s, looking like it’s grown too long and now nearly brushes his lashes that are long, dark and full, mirroring his hair. His nose is angled perfectly and lips naturally glossed a light pink. His tattooed arm is resting on the back of the sofa, one leg folded on top of the other. Jeongguk concludes that he appears like he just came out of an explicit magazine. Fuck porn, he looks too royal for that.

Jeongguk snaps out of his lustful daze when he notices piercing eyes are looking directly at him. 

“What are you doing here?” Yoongi seems to have schooled his confused expression to something calmer. Although there’s an evident height difference between the two, Jeongguk being slightly taller, his dark, unamused eyes make the youngest feel small, curling in on himself. 

“I-I was here to see Jiminie-Hyung.”

Jeongguk manages to stutter out, not being able to hold eye contact for long so he opts to stare at his shoes.

“Jimin _ ie- _ Hyung?” The hot guy says, gaze set on Jeongguk. “Who are you?” The unknown, hot stranger confines, gaze never leaving Jeongguk. The youngest can’t speak though, a knot in the back of his throat that's preventing him to talk. 

“This is Jeongguk, Namjoon's little brother.” Yoongi decided to answer after a few beats of silence, realising Jeongguk wasn’t going to speak. 

“Namjoon has a brother? What the fuck.” Hot guy says, looking lost in thought for a moment. “It makes sense- why we had to go round on certain days and had to leave at a certain time, I knew he was hiding something. I wasn’t interested enough to care but I didn’t expect him to be hiding a  _ brother _ . How did he manage that?” The stranger says with something like amusement in his voice. Jeongguk realises the unknown guy expects him to answer. 

“I didn’t always live with Hyung, it’s more of a- recent thing.” He should probably leave. Hot guy just nods in understanding. “That's why I’ve never seen you, still doesn’t explain why Namjoon hid you. Seokjin and Jimin too.” His voice is deep and velvety. If it wasn’t for his intimidating gaze, Jeongguk thinks his voice alone would make him feel calm. “How do you know them?” Jeongguk can’t help but ask.

“I’m Taehyung, I suppose I’m friends with your brother and everyone else.”

_ Taehyung _

_ Taehyung and Yoongi who are trouble _

_ Taehyung _

Jeongguk remembers when he was little, how he used to always stand in a dip between two branches of a tree. His parents telling him he’ll inevitably hurt himself without fail. One time, Jeongguk remembers losing balance and falling out of the tree directly on his back, proving his parents right. It was as if the impact had knocked the air out of his lungs whilst laying there struggling to inhale and exhale, somehow manufacturing a way for air not to enter his body. 

That's how Jeongguk feels now, that same feeling of trying to remember how to breathe. Impotent to speak as the name bounces around in his skull.

_ Taehyung _

“I-I should go.” Jeongguk doesn't understand why he stutters, he isn’t usually like this. Yeah the latter is quite shy but never this bad. If he’s honest, he doesn’t understand why he’s so frightened of the two. Hell, he’s taller than Yoongi and Taehyung well, okay, he’s quite a bit taller but still. 

“Yeah you should-“

“Stay.” Taehyung interrupts, his words making Yoongi’s head snap towards the tallest, looking at him questionably. The two eldest share a look, Taehyung silently telling the eldest something Jeongguk can’t work out. Yoongi seems to get what the other is asking since he abruptly grabs Jeongguk bicep and roughly pulls him in before shutting the door. 

“Jimin’s at work and will be home in just over an hour, how about you wait? We can get to know you, cutie.” 

Jeongguks face heats up at ‘cutie’ but he tries to suppress his blush. He’s not sure what’s provoking his reactions from Taehyung, has never reacted like this towards any man before. Hell, he’s the one making females blush, Jeongguk doesn’t blush. But here he is, face burning under Taehyung’s gaze. Rather than ponder on this thought, rather than over think it, Jeongguk decides to analyse this all later. He’s not gay, has never been interested in a male in his life. The thoughts never entered his mind. His sexuality is a concept he learnt years ago, is something he claimed to have discovered at a tender age. He’s interested in women. So, whatever this is, for whatever reason he blushes and reacts so flustered, is solely because he can acknowledge a good looking man when he sees one. It’s nothing more and nothing less. Yeah, that’s what Jeongguk is going to tell himself. 

“How old are you?” Taehyung askes as Jeongguk migrates slowly over to the sofa, making sure to sit as far away from the other as possible. Which he finds quite a challenge since Taehyung's long frame is spread out. 

“I’m 19.”

“Nineteen.” Taehyung breaths, completely dazed. Yoongi snorts, giving his friend a knowing look.

“I’m getting a drink, anyone want one?” Yoongi asks before heading towards the kitchen. Jeongguk just shakes his head no, looking at his hands instead of holding eye contact with the eldest. Taehyung nods with a quick yeah, his gaze never shifting from Jeongguk. 

“You’re practically a baby.” Taehyung smiles, teasing evidently laced in his voice. Jeongguk frowns. He’s  _ not _ a baby, he has baby-like features, his round cheeks and doe eyes not helping his case. 

“How old are you then Taehyung-ssi?” He says defensively.

Taehyung quirks an eyebrow. “I’m 24, baby.” His features darken. His breath hitches and teeth clamp onto his plump lip, making it all red and irritated. Jeongguk’s face heating up further, a scarlet red decorating his cheeks, palms suddenly very sweaty. He starts running them over his jeans. “You’re not that much older.” He protests. 

“What did you want from Jimin?” Yoongi questions, coming back and handing Taehyung his drink before settling on the side chair. 

“Well, I usually come over and Seokjin helps me with-“ 

“Seokjin?” He’s cut off by Yoongi's rough voice, the latter snorting. “What are you doing hanging around a relic like Seokjin?” 

“He’s not- he’s nice and- and helps with my work and…” 

Seokjin  _ is _ nice. He never gets frustrated with Jeongguk, having to explain the same thing over and over again, Jeongguk lacking the ability to understand it the first time. The eldest is always so patient, so is his brother if he’s honest. Jeongguk likes to consider him his friend, Jimin too, maybe even Hoseok, even though they haven’t spoken as much, he still joins in with Jimin and Jeongguk’s competitions from time to time.

“We’re friends.” He smiles, thinking about all his hyungs. 

“But I came here to see Jimin, I knew Seokjin was with my brother so I thought I would surprise him, we usually play video games.” Jeongguk shrugs, suddenly feeling stupid for even coming here. He stares at his hands again, watching as his curled fingers play with each other in his lap. 

“I’ll play with you Guk.” 

Jeongguk freezes, his whole body breaking out in goosebumps, his cheeks must have just set ablaze.

Even though he knows Taehyung is talking about playing a game, he can detect the hidden meaning behind his words. His smile showing fake innocence. Taehyung inches closer.

Before he can answer however, the door opens. Jimin walking in, headphones in his ear. He freezes once he sees the scene in front of him, keeys still in his hands. Jimin’s mouth gapes, eyes widening before he snaps his head behind him. Jeongguk’s confused at first, glances behind the younger to see what he’s looking at.

His face falls, his features morphing into shock horror when he notices his brother walking in a few seconds after Jimin, a small smile on his face. It quickly changes into something much darker, steps faltering when he sees the three boys settled in the living room. 

“Jeongguk.” It all happens in slow motion, Namjoons eyes fly towards the space between Taehyung and Jeongguk on the sofa, to Yoongi who sits a few feet from the back, to Taehyung, back to Jeongguk with a scowl. 

Yoongi sighs.

_ Oh crap _

“Why are you here?” Namjoon enters the room, revealing an equally shocked Seokjin behind him. 

“I came go see Jimin-hyung but-“

“But he was at work.” Jeongguk’s cut off by Namjoon, flinching at his brother's harsh tone. “And you,” Namjoon blatantly points towards Taehyung, the latter raising a challenging eyebrow. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Taehyung rolls his eyes. “It’s not our fault Guk came here.” Teahyung says, voice calm and velvety. He looks at the youngest when saying the nickname. Namjoons harsh expression clearly not affecting him. 

Namjoon just sighs. “Jeongguk, lets go.”

Jeongguk gets up straight away, not liking upsetting his hyung. Jimin sends him a sad smile while he walks over to his brother. 

“See you later, Guk.” Taehyung says softly, so softly it almost seems innocent. It’s risky, Taehyung's got balls. 

Namjoon freezes, turns to face the culprit of that voice, face dark. “I’ll come back later and we can  _ talk _ .” Is the last thing Namjoon says before they leave. 

They both find themselves in Namjoon's car not long after. It’s after 3 minutes into the car journey before Jeongguk speaks.

“I’m sorry.”

Namjoon sighs, grip tightening on the steering wheel. “It’s okay, you didn’t know, just- they’re not the best people Jeongguk.” He sighs again, glancing towards the youngest before having to fix his gaze back on the road. 

Jeongguk creases his eyebrows. “Are they not your friends?” He asks, confusion evident in his voice. Jeongguk feels like he’s always confused nowadays. 

“They are, they just get into trouble, things I don’t want you to get involved with.” Jeongguk just nods, his brother sighing again.

“I’m sorry too okay, I didn’t mean to yell. Taehyung and Yoongi are not bad people, not really, but they do things you couldn’t imagine, a way to cope with stuff, they’ve had it rough in the past, Taehyung more so than Yoongi. I just don’t want you to get involved in stuff like that, you’re too young.”

“Hyung I'm literally 19, will be turning 20 in September.” Jeongguk says while rolling his eyes.

“I know,” Namjoon glances at him fully when they stop at a red light. “Just trust me okay? Please don’t get involved with them. This is the reason I never mentioned you. I love my friends, but we cope in bad ways.”

“We?” Jeongguk asks. 

Namjoon regards him with a sad expression. “Another time, okay?”

Jeongguk just nods, knowing now Isn't a good time to ask. He thinks it’ll be better when his brother is in a happier mood. Instead they sit there in comfortable silence until they arrive home. Namjoon soon forgives Jeongguk, making them both a home cooked meal. They spend the rest of the evening laughing and watching films, completely forgetting earlier events. 

Before going to sleep, Jeongguk’s mind wonders to olive skin. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for any spelling mistakes, I’m uploading from my phone and it’s so much more hassle than I anticipated so I might start uploading from my laptop for now on.  
> I also underestimated how long writing this fan fic would take so bare with me guys. This is my first time writing.  
> But I hope you all enjoyed it, I’m really liking it so far and hope you guys do as well.  
> Feedback is appreciated :)
> 
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)
> 
> If anyone wanted to chat, thanks guys x


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One
> 
> Taehyung grips the wheel tighter with one hand, the other settling on the gear stick, face tense in concentration but a subtle smile playing on his lips, one that screams thrill and adrenaline.
> 
> Two
> 
> “You might want to hold on, baby.” Taehyung doesn’t advert his concentration from the road, eyes zeroing in as if to mentally make a map of how this will plan out in his head. Jeongguk does what he’s told and grabs the nearest thing he can find, his leather seat. 
> 
> Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won’t lie, I’m not very proud of this chapter, so apologises if you get a bit bored. It’s all apart of the story so it’s worth the read, the ending segment is more exciting so try and get through the first half.  
> Chapter 3 and 4, in my opinion, is much better so hold on for that.  
> Either way I hope you guys enjoy, feedback is appreciated. :)  
> (I also highly underestimated how long it takes to write out each chapter so I’ll try and stay on top of it all, it just might take longer to post than I anticipated)

Surprisingly, Namjoon still allows him to go round their apartment, neither one of the brothers brought up the incident since. 

It’s a Friday night, both Namjoon and Jeongguk are over Jimin and Seokjin’s apartment, Hoseok too. Today is slightly different. It’s the first time they are all hanging out together without the excuse of school work. Yeah Jeongguk has course work, but it’s not urgent, he has time. He’s been over a lot this week, both Namjoon and Seokjin spoon feeding him facts and figures.

His brain is now at five percent, not being able to absorb any more information. He slumps on the couch beside Seokjin, Namjoon on the other side. Hoseok sits in the single person seat alongside them whilst Jimin settles on the floor between his cousins legs. There’s something so great about relaxing on the sofa with his hyungs after such a tiresome week. He wiggles his body further into the sofa, a movement that brings his body warmth, wanting to emerge into the leather and become one. 

They are now all settled on the couch, belly full of Seokjin’s home cooked food. Earlier Jeongguk and Jimin played another round of Mario kart, it’s become somewhat of a tradition for the pair, they at least have to play one round before Jeongguk leaves. 

He lost. 

Jimin boasts about being ahead of Jeongguk in the leaderboard, him saying something along the line of how he’s god-like and that the youngest needs to, “get on my level.” Jeongguk blames it on his bleary eyes and his overworked brain, resulting in his lack of concentration. 

They all chat amongst themselves, Seokjin and Namjoon reminiscing over their childhood, something about when Namjoon once flushed at a crude comment in high school someone made in an attempt to flirt. The girl came off too strong, resulting in Namjoon coughing and spluttering, Seokjin swears he saw orange juice dripping out his nose. Hoseok and Jimin argue over which sitcom is superior, Jimin arguing for Friends. However, this is all highly unimportant to Jeongguk because, before he can comprehend what’s happening, he lets his mind wander to olive skin and black, curly hair.  
The man has been taking up a good majority of his thoughts recently, pondering over last week's events.

As brief as their interaction was, Jeongguk finds the elder, once again, clouding his mind. His emotions take over, all rational thoughts pushed to the back of his head. You see, the thing is, Jeongguk is straight, has been his whole life, it’s never occurred to him otherwise. But he can’t deny the utterly, transparent fact that Jeongguk was enamored by another, a male to be exact. His brain betrays him, poking the conscience with delusional visions of another body against him. It wasn’t uncommon for people to admit their attraction to someone else, but for Jeongguk, he struggled to wrap his head around it. 

Some people are fortunate enough to understand the crucial parts of themselve. Allowing others to have a glimpse of their persona and showing how exactly they exist. Some are favoured to become aware of their sexual preference at a younge age, for Jeongguk however, he’s never even considered the opposite sex, always thinking men should be with females and that’s it. Don’t get him wrong, he believes you're allowed to love who you please, you don’t get to decide who your heart chooses, but that’s just what Jeongguk was brought up to believe by his parents. Men with women and women with men. Some realise immediately who they were born to become, others realise later on in life. Jeongguk being that unlucky soul. He supposes it’s better late than never, still, he’s never looked at a man like that before. The sudden change scares him. 

Or maybe, Jeongguk is, yet again, over analysing everything. Maybe, he admits the other male is attractive but in a platonic way. Idolising the older as someone he’d like to become, to look like. Having that overconfident image, wanting to be tall, muscled and unfairly handsome. 

Jeongguk is brought out of his thoughts when he notices Jimin’s gaze on him, eyes glinting with questions. Jeongguk was so immersed in his feelings that he didn’t even notice the other speaking. 

“So, did you want to go?” Jeongguk just stares at the smaller, unblinking, no clue what the other is asking. 

“Uh…” Jimin rolls his eyes, a playful huff escaping his mouth. “Transfusions, did you want to go?” At this everyone quiets down, Namjoons head snapping in Jimin’s direction, eyebrows raised before lowering into a frown. Face scrunches up in displeasure. 

“What’s transfusions?” Jeongguk asks before Namjoon has a chance to speak, curiosity taking over. The name sounds familiar somehow.

“Some festival. Happens once a year, very popular. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it before.” Jimin answers, clearly ignoring Namjoon’s threatening gaze. “Oh,” Jeongguk thinks a festive could be good for him, he’ll be able to relax outside this apartment with his hyungs, a good stress relief. “Sounds good-“

“No, not happening.” Namjoon protests, facing Jeongguk with a strict look. His heart drops, yet he can’t help but feels curious. Namjoons sudden change of character spiking Jeongguk’s interest. What’s so wrong with wanting to go to a festival? 

“Why not?” Jeongguk asks, keeping his frustration in check, not wanting to always be babied by his hyung. Namjoon narrows his eyes at Jimin before raising an eyebrow as if to silently say ‘this is your fault.’

“A festival could be fun.” Namjoons growing scowl only spurs Jeongguk’s distaste in being treated like a fragile child further. 

“It’s fine hyung, it’ll be fun.” Jimin defends after sensing the tension between the brothers. 

“Fun!” His temper sparks, disbelieving they’re even having this conversation. “You know damn well why it’s not fine.”

Jimin doesn’t flinch, holding Namjoons gaze. “It’ll be fine,” he insists. “Jeongguk barely goes out because someone doesn’t let him, it’ll be good for him.”

“Besides,” Jimin sighs, face dropping into something calmer. “we’ll all go in the afternoon, we don’t have to adventure out of the festival itself, we both know it’s 

“Yeah, I don’t mind you guys sitting this one out,” Hoseok begins, straightening his posture. “This one will be boring, a lot of people won’t be there, probably choosing the alcohol and music.” Hoseok continues - waving his hand around, a movement to suggest the unimportance of whatever, ‘this one,’ is - after noticing Namjoon rubbing his brow as if to ward off a headache, seemingly contemplating their words. Jeongguk sends him a pleading look, which, by the looks of it, seems to work since an exaggerated sigh leaves his mouth. 

“Okay.” He sighs again, finally agreeing. 

Jeongguk decides to ignore Hoseok’s previous comment in favour to feel relief, he’ll question them later. Instead Jeongguk remains quiet, his mind creating the delusion that if he speaks, his brother will change his mind.

***

The following week goes by fairly quickly. Jeongguk goes to his lectures like usual, sees Seokjin and Jimin a couple of times, nothing extraordinary.

Like everything, all good things will have to end eventually. 

Something’s definitely off, Jeongguk’s noticed how his brother has been acting abnormal, more so than usual. He usually sneaks out late at night when all life is dead, apart from the partygoers. Namjoon never goes out this frequently, practically every night. Jeongguk notices how each morning his hyung looks more stressed than the last. He’s never once brought it up, his brother putting effort to mask his tiredness each morning shows how much he tries to hide it, terminating the thought. 

It’s the Thursday before the festival, Jeongguk is about to leave uni, already finished with his last lecture for the day but stands frozen, bewildered to find a text from Jimin-Hyung telling him not to get a bus and that he’ll pick him up. He’s still looking at his phone, paying no mind to the bustling crowd of sleep deprived students trying to trudge their way to their next lecture. 

Jeongguk picks up his feet and heads towards the direction of the eldest. 

“Hey hyung.” Is the first thing Jeongguk says, stepping into his simplistic looking car. Jimin greets him with a genuinely pleased smile and a “Hey Guk,” before putting the car in gear and driving in the direction of Jeongguk’s house. 

“Does my brother know I’m with you?” Jeongguk suddenly asks, remembering the events of a few weeks ago and not wanting a repeat of them. He doesn’t face the elder, gaze fixed on the tireless streets. He guesses it’s the blare of peak hour traffic.

“Yeah he does, don’t worry.” Jimin says with a genuine smile, gaze remaining set on the roads, Jeongguk just nods. A few beats pass before the youngest decides to talk again. 

“Not that I’m complaining, but why the sudden urge to pick me up?” Jimin freezes slightly, you would barely notice. His previous tapping motion on the steering wheel comes to a halt.

“I know Namjoon has been restless recently and I know you’ve noticed too,” even though Jimin remains facing forwards, eyes not averting away from the road, Jeongguk still looks at the eldest, attention spiked. Of course he’s noticed, even though Namjoon tried to hide it, Jeongguk still notices his brother sitting bleary-eyed and unshaven at the table every morning, munching his way slowly through a mouthful of cereal. He appears tired and stressed each day. Jeongguk’s been so curious, he hasn’t had the chance to ask his brother since he doesn’t know if they’re at that stage yet.

“Before you ask, I’m not telling you what’s been bothering him, he should be the one to tell you,” Jeongguk deflates, losing confidence to ask Jimin about his brother but nods anyway. “He’s out at the moment to de-stress, so I decided to pick you up and hang out, plus, I thought I’d give you a chance to catch up on the leaderboard.” He finishes with a teasing smile, earning a chuckle from the younger. 

They end up playing a board game.

After already playing the majority of online games, they opt for an old board game, one that Jeongguk forgot even existed. They’ve been playing for a while now, Jimin losing each time - Jeongguk recons he hasn’t quite grasped the concept yet. They’ve lost track of time, Jeongguk only realising it’s late when the first two movies that they played for background noise, finishes. 

It was during one of the rounds, Jeongguk almost winning for the third time, when he heard the sound of a clumsy knock on the front door. Both boys' attention spikes up at the sound, game forgotten, gaze fixed on the sturdy door. Jimin's expression morphed into that of confusion, his face scrunched. A few beats pass before Jeongguk shakes out of the trance long enough to get up and head towards the sound. There’s a loud crash in the background followed by a groan, and then a voice yells something incoherent.

The people behind it must’ve heard his movement since the door gives way as soon as he unlocks it. Before he can even blink, Namjoon comes crashing into his view and falls forward, almost landing on the ground. Jeongguk goes to catch him out of reflex but is beaten to it by two smaller hands. It’s then that he notices two figures stationed behind him. Yoongi, (the one who prevented his brother falling flat on his face), and… Taehyung. 

Jeongguk tenses, staring at the man whose eyes are fixed on him. 

Namjoon shakes Yoongi's grasp off him, slurs something about being able to walk by himself. He attempts a few steps but evidently trips on his own feet, this time he does fall flat on his face. Namjoon outwardly groans in pain after rolling over on his back. He remains there, defeated. 

Jeongguk notices his fringe plastered to his forehead with sweat, his white shirt loose, appearing as if it was lazily pulled on by rushed hands. But by far the most noticeable thing is the smell: a mixture of alcohol and vomit. Jeongguk tries not to outwardly gag at the sight, having never dealt with this before, he once again stands there frozen. 

“What the fuck happened!” 

Jimin’s voice startled the younger, noticing Jimin seething with rage. 

Yoongi clears his throat with an awkward cough and wipes the beads of sweat from his forehead, not meeting Jimin’s eye. “He was stressed so we thought it was good to- uh,” he trails off, wrinkling his nose.

“So you thought it’d be best to take him out and get drunk! I thought you guys were only going out for a few drinks, not for you to bring him back looking like,” he gestures to the mess that is Namjoon on the floor. “Like that!” As soon as the words leave his mouth, Namjoon vomits, staining his shirt. Luckily the majority of it lands on his chest, only a small amount on the floor. 

The room falls silent, the only noise remaining is Namjoon’s groans. Jimin releases an exasperated sigh, rubs his face before facing the others with a pointed look. 

“Right, someone help me get him up, we need to sort this mess out, get him washed then into bed.” Jeongguk moves on instinct but is stopped by Yoongi’s hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, I’ll help, you look like you’re about to throw up yourself, you clean up this.” He gestures vaguely in Namjoon’s direction. Everyone springs into action, both Yoongi and Jimin tugging on Namjoons arm, so he’s sitting upwards and places an arm on their shoulder. They lead him towards the bathroom. Jeongguk starts fumbling through the kitchen counter for cleaning supplies. 

After a few seconds he comes back with the supplies, wiping the floor clean and chucking the dirty tissues away. Jeongguk’s in the middle of cleaning his hands when the sound of the door slamming, shaking the whole floor, jumps him. It’s then that he realises Taehyung never left. The flicker of a lighter and the poisonous scent of heavy smoke makes the younger snap his head in the other's direction.

Jeongguk moves from the open kitchen, back to the living room before sighing audibly. “It’s probably best if you don’t smoke in here, Namjoon would kill you if he finds out.” He says in a softer voice than he intended, he tried to be stern but the elders presence makes Jeongguk curl in on himself. As soon as the words left his mouth, Taehyung took a huge drag, exhaling a line of smoke that almost made Jeongguk cough.

“Namjoon won’t know.” He says with confidence, smirking whilst staring at the youngest. He curls in on himself further. Jeongguk doesn’t understand the wildfire developing inside his body, what it means exactly. All he knows is the day he met Taehyung left him reeling, agonisingly aching for the elder in ways he never imagined he would. Jeongguk keeps telling himself it’s because he puts Taehyung on the pedestal of ‘what I want to look like when I’m that age’, but he second guesses when he finds a need to touch the elders tattooed arm, the one that’s flexing now. Jeongguk is utterly confused, he’s only ever met Taehyung once, this being the second time, and it was brief, so why is he feeling this type of way for someone he barely even knows. 

Jeongguk stands frozen, scratching his nape and staring at his shoes because he couldn’t handle staring into those dark eyes for longer than a minute. Yet, he can’t help the scoff that leaves his mouth with a roll of his eyes because of the elders cockiness “At least open the door.” He mumbles out, already moving past Taehyung to open said door. 

Jeongguk felt it, that opposing heat nearby that made him turn to jelly. The door was slightly ajar when he felt it, a firm body trapping him between the door and said body. Taehyung took another breath in, the fog of smoke now flowing from his nose in a strangely hypnotic way. He seems pleasured by the release. 

“What are you doing.” Jeongguk whispers, facing the elder in hope he doesn’t realise how much he affects him, even though Jeongguk’s certain the proximity has set his face ablaze and nerves apparent in his voice.

“I’m smoking outside like you want.” Jeongguk audibly gulps, the eldest moves even closer if possible. His face dark and hooded eyes drilling holes back at him, looking at him like a lion who hasn’t eaten in months. 

“You’re so tense, baby.” He chuckles, a wicked glint to his eyes as he brings the knuckle of his index finger to graze over Jeongguk’s cheek, he visibly shudders at the touch, mouth slightly agape in shock and pleasure. The endearment only making him flush harder. “Cute,” Taehyung whispers. There couldn’t be more than a few centimeters between their faces, and in that moment of weakness Jeongguk allows his eyes to trail down to those plush looking lips after noticing the elder stare at his own. The sight causes him to lick his lips, feeling his hot sweep of breath brush over his lower face. 

It’s then that the sound of footsteps shock them apart. Well, move so Jeongguk, Taehyung doesn’t even flinch. He only moves when Jeongguk has to physically push him.  
He attempts to get as much distance as possible in the few seconds he has until the others appear. But, he doesn’t get very far since the others come back, noticing the tension in the room. Jeongguk doesn’t doubt his face screams guilt, Jimin gives them an odd look while Yoongi decides to roll his eyes, but the elder can’t help the knowing smile.

Jeongguk could only stare into the distance of nothingness, face flushed and eyes glazed over by a variety of emotions. Thankfully, Jimin decides to narrow his eyes at the small, almost finished cigarette in Taehyung's hand while Jeongguk wills his heart to slow down.

“You know you shouldn’t be smoking inside.” Jimin said, pinching the bridge of his nose, earning a roll of eyes and a scoff from Taehyung. 

“Let’s go.” Yoongi suddenly perks up, migrating towards the door and grasping Taehyung's arm along the way. Jeongguk was too flushed to provoke any movement. 

“I’ll see you later.” Yoongi says whilst tugging Taehyung out the door, the latter sending him an unmistakable smirk before following in toe.

Jeongguk stands there motionless, too dazed to comprehend a thing. The sound of Jimin coughing breaks him out of his trance, gaze ripped from nothingness to the elder. 

“Is Hyung, uh,” Jeongguk starts, scratching the back of his nape. Jimin must understand his worry since he sends him a reassuring look. “He’s fine, we washed him and put him to bed. But, I’ll sleep here if that’s okay and check up on him.” 

Jeongguk just nods, already moving to get him set up for bed since, by the look of it, is already late. 

When Jeongguk wakes up that morning, he drags his feet downstairs and is immediately hit with the delightful aroma of sizzling bacon, careening out of his sleepy state. The youngest follows the scent all the way to the kitchen and catches sight of Jimin cooking. 

“Morning Hyung.” Jeongguk says while lowering himself on the dining chair.

“Morning.” Jimin ruffles his hair, making his morning head even worse. The elder places a plate of food in front of the younger, Jeongguk rewards the generosity with an appreciative “thanks” followed by a smile. Jimin perches down with a plate of his own. It was at that moment that Namjoon decided to come downstairs to join the pair. With a splitting headache, Namjoon rests his head on his arms, face scrunched in discomfort. 

“Morning Hyung, there's food on the side if you can stomach it.” Namjoon grunts in response. The lovely effects of alcohol were quite gone and only the nasty ones were left; the taste in his mouth, the splitting ache in his brow, the impotence of not being able to clarify one’s thoughts. They eat in comfortable silence for a while, Jimin and Jeongguk enjoying the pure bliss of the salty taste dancing round their mouths. 

“Right, I’m off, need to get home and ready for work.” Jimin announces, standing up and placing his finished plate away. Namjoon sits up at this, rubbing a palm against his forehead in hope to wipe away the splitting ache rushing through his head before facing the smaller Hyung. 

“Okay, well, thank you for,” Namjoon gaze lingers on his younger brother before facing Jimin once again, regarding him with a sincere expression. “For last night, I owe you.”

Jimin waves his hand in a dismissive motion, he smiles an open mouth smile, one that creases his eyes, genuine, grabbing his things and dragging himself towards the front door. 

“I’ll see you guys Saturday.” With a small wave, he leaves, opening and closing the front door gently, probably to not worsen Namjoons hangover with a loud noise. 

Namjoon moves from the kitchen, the smell of food probably making his stomach churn and heads towards the living room. He settles on their slowly decaying couch, resting his head on the cushion with a grunt and finding comfort. Jeongguk soon mirrors his brother's movement, settling beside the elder, lifting his legs and placing them back atop of his lap. 

They rest in comfortable silence for a while. It’s still early morning, Jeongguk only woke up to the delicious smell of food, so it’s no surprise Jeongguk notices his brother close to nodding off, Namjoon’s unfocused eyes involuntary closing on their own. 

“Hyung,” Namjoon’s eyes peek open, a scowl already forming, he just grunts in response. “About last night,” the elder groans, showing his distaste on this topic already but shuffles upwards anyway. 

“What was all that about?” Namjoon opens his mouth, seemingly about to protest, so Jeongguk continues. “And don’t say nothing, I know you’ve been stressed recently, I didn’t say anything because I thought you’d be fine but then last night happened…” 

Namjoon just sighs, closing his eyes for a second since staring at Jeongguk’s innocent face makes him hesitate. “I just,” he sighs again, opening his eyes and facing his brother straight on. He visibly deflates, building confidence to talk to his brother about all the fucked up shit that happened. “I had a bad week with work, my boss has been a bit of a pick, not paying me the full amount I’ve earned.” Jeongguk remains quiet, allowing his brother to continue. 

“Last night I just fucked up, overdid it with the alcohol and did shit I knew I shouldn’t have.” 

“What kind of shit?” Jeongguk asks calmly, appreciating his brother finally opening up, he’ll take what he can get and doesn’t want to scare him off by prying too much, so he laces his voice in velvet, soothing the other to continue. 

“Just dumb shit, don’t worry.” He says with a nonchalant shrug. Jeongguk sits there, frowning deeply at his brother trying to bypass this conversation as something small. 

“But I am worrying.” His words caused a huge rift in the conversation, knowing it’s too late to save face, and Jeongguk saw the tension back in those broad shoulders. 

“Well don’t.” 

Jeongguk sat in shock, knitting his brows at his brother actively being blunt to dismiss this conversation. Namjoon must catch his distaste since he visibly calms. 

“I’m sorry,” he sighs. “You’re only 19, I don’t want you to get involved with this stuff.” Jeongguk’s face morphs into concern, knowing his brother is, in his own way, trying to protect him.

“Who’s to say i'll get involved?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, I think it’s more that I don’t want you to think any less of me.” He looks guilty, head hung low. 

Jeongguk is taken back by this, never did he imagine that his brother was concerned about his opinion. He’s always looked up to his hyung, idolised how he’s rarely bothered by anything. Even when their grandma died, he never let the hurt show, putting up a facade. He was always so supportive and put others' emotions, selflessly in front of his own, a trait Jeongguk has always admired. So to see Namjoon showing his insecurities to the younger one comes as a shock to him. Then again, he isn’t a robot who’s incapable of these emotions, he’s human, something Jeongguk needs to remind himself.

“You know I would never judge you Joonie.” The old nickname rolls off his tongue naturally, forgetting there was ever a time when it wasn’t used. Namjoon immediately smiles wide at that, having also forgotten the old name spreads warmth throughout his body after hearing it. 

“Okay,” Jeongguk guesses it was the kick he needed since his brother completely sits up now, headache seemingly forgotten in order to face Jeongguk with a concentrated look. 

“I rap at some underground clubs, places that no one should experience. I often compete in battles for money, something I’ve been doing for a very long time now.” He blurts, the tension once again fading from his shoulders. It’s like a weight has been lifted, one that has been weighing him down, slowly squishing the younger until he couldn’t take much more. He loses his confidence immediately, hesitantly watching Jeongguk, waiting for the judgement. It doesn’t come.

“That’s,” he starts, Namjoon looking almost panicked. It could be the alcohol still flowing through his system but, he looks sick, face pale.

“That’s actually really cool.” He breathes out, the older sighing in, what Jeongguk guesses, relief before scoffing in amusement. 

“I guess,” Namjoon shrugs. “But that’s not it, I uh-“ he hesitates, knowing there’s no coming back from this. Jeongguk places a hand on his knee in reassurance. 

“I used to find entertainment in street racing, take things I know I shouldn't, socialise myself with bad people all in favour to not make enemies with people you just wouldn’t want to make enemies with.” Namjoon says, voice unwavering as he’s profound in thought. “Look, I do this because it’s a coping mechanism, I know it’s cliche but it’s true. I’m not the only one though, we all have our own guilty pleasure.” He looks up to his brother then, for the first time taking in his expressions. Jeongguk stares back, unblinking, but he's calm, the hand on his brother's knee moving to soothe him. 

“My friends aren’t bad people, we just do stupid shit sometimes,” there’s endearment there, Jeongguk can see it in his brothers enamored expression, reminiscing over previous memories. It’s sweet, makes Jeongguk feel warmth, to know he has friends that’ll look out for him. If Jimin wasn’t an example this morning of that then Jeongguk doesn’t know what was. 

“Taehyung and Yoongi are the worst for getting up to stupid shit. Taehyung more so than Yoongi, he tends to cope in dangerous ways that even I disagree with, constantly putting himself in harm's way.” Namjoon looks pained from the thought. “That’s why I didn’t want you to originally meet my friends, especially Taehyung and Yoongi, they’ve always been close. Everyone who gets close to them finds their way into trouble, I just didn’t want that for you.” 

Jeongguk absorbs all this information, putting pieces together in his head that now makes sense. “I can handle myself, you don’t need to keep me in the dark, hyung.” 

“I know.” Namjoon says, releasing an involuntary sigh. Admitting Jeongguk is right almost pains him. Jeongguk remains quiet for a while, taking all the information in. It makes sense, like missing pieces of the puzzle finally coming together, but it’s still not enough to create the whole picture. All the nights Namjoon had snuck out are the result of him racing or rapping, the idea doesn’t repulse Jeongguk, nor does it scare him.

“You say you do things as a way to cope,” Jeongguk starts, realising he doesn’t know the reason behind his impulsive actions. “What’s happened to you? what’s the reason you need to do these things?” 

As far as Jeongguk is aware, Namjoon hasn’t dealt with any hardship, always appearing collected, not letting little things get to him, always coming across as friendly to everyone he meets, Jeongguk finds it endearing. The only resentment his brother had was towards their parents, something Jeongguk never fully understood, but he supposes it’s because of the distance they inserted in the family. There’s so many questions Jeongguk wants to ask, and wants answered. Instead, he waits for Namjoon to answer the first question, wanting the interaction to continue.

“That’s- that’s something I can’t tell you, not yet anyway.” Jeongguk can’t help the pout on his lips, face downcast in rejection but he nods anyway, trying to understand. 

“Just- Just be careful Hyung.” Namjoon nods, Jeongguk notices his bed hair, attentively watches the way some of the strands remain reluctant to stay in place, a reminder that Namjoon is hung over and needs sleep. He leaves, but not before whispering a quiet thank you, trying to look as sincere as possible.

***

The festival was something of a street party, an excuse for the whole neighborhood to let their hair down and immerse themselves in the booming beat of the music. It was situated in a forest, they had to bypass a lot of trees to a small cut off field, there’s an isolated looking street not far from the field, just past a few trees, Jeongguk recons if he squints he can see segments of it, abandoned buildings, a dark tunnel. The place screams smoke and alcohol, the mixture leaving a foul taste in his mouth and intoxicating the very outdoors air he breathes. It’s not exactly what Jeongguk expected, there’s people swaying about, dancing, stumbling, slurring and Jeongguk is certain there’s a couple practically fucking on the field. It’s definitely not Jeongguk’s scene, but he can’t help his mind from buzzing, limbs so charged up that he can’t help bounce where he stands.

He’s excited, has been for a while now, Jimin also sharing the same feeling. He wants to melt into this party, melt into the beat and sweat until their hearts call for the luxury of bed. The bass thumped in time with Jeongguk’s heartbeat as though they were one, filling him from head to toe with music. He’s had a few drinks, Seokjin slipping him a couple when Namjoon wasn’t looking. His cheeks are flushed but not where he’s way past the point of no return, a small buzz. 

They settle on the field, Namjoon, Seokjin, Jimin, Hoseok and himself. Jeongguk’s lost track of time, only realising it's late when the once warm weather turns bitter, biting at his ears. They all chat amongst themselves, laughing, singing, eating, Jeongguk finds it all endearing. 

He can’t help but gaze past the trees every now and then, hearing the sounds of screaming, cheering, people chanting something that’s incoherent. There’s also the sound of purring engines, revving past. Jeongguk’s curiosity only spikes when Hoseok disappears behind said trees, heading directly to the streets. Not long after that they get up, advancing towards one of the drink stands when Jeongguk panics, blood turning cold. That initial fear flowing through you when realising you lost something valuable, in Jeongguk’s case, his phone. After a beat he relaxes, telling himself it’s probably where they were last. 

“Hey guys, I think I left my phone on the field.” Everyone’s attention switches to him, they’ve all been queuing for a while now when Jeongguk realised his phone is missing. Namjoon sighs heavily, sporting an unamused look, Jeongguk feels like a little kid about to be scolded by his parents. 

“Let's go find it.” Namjoon says, ready to leave the cue, Jeongguk stops him, hands on his shoulder with a reassuring smile. 

“It’s okay, You stay and get your drinks, I’ll try to find it.”

Namjoon hesitates for a second but nods in spite of himself. “Okay, we’ll wait here and if you can’t find it, we’ll all look.” Jeongguk hums in response, already leaving the area and migrating back to where they were previously. 

Jeongguk’s been looking for a while now, retracing their steps all the way back to the field, searching the whole perimeter but to no avail. There’s every possibility someone has taken it, if he’s lucky, someone might have handed it in, but he doubts it. 

He sighs heavily in defeat, almost ready to give up but decides to scan the area one last time before sulking back to his brother for help. His eyes are downcasted, gaze set on the floor, hoping that black, rectangular object will appear. He comes to a halt when he sees a pair of feet obstructing his path. As if it was a movie, Jeongguk slowly looks up, a gut feeling shouting danger, the words ringing through his ears. 

He comes face to face with olive skin and black wavy hair. 

Jeongguk scans his attire, starting from his old, worn out vans, gaping at Taehyung’s black jeans hugging his legs perfectly, defining his thick thighs. His white tee shifts in the soft breeze, Jeongguk wonders if he’s cold in that thin material. Then down along the prominent veins that run the length of his forearm, admiring his tattoos. His outward demeanor clashing violently with the rapid thud of his heart against his ribcage, threatening to knock his lungs clean out of his mouth and onto the floor because Taehyung looks like he just stepped straight out of a goddamn wet dream. What really catches his eyes though, is the black fabric wrapped around his hair, ultimately pushing it back and out of his face, showing Jeongguk his sculptures features further. Never has Jeongguk found a bandana so attractive in his life. 

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” Taehyung says, his signature smirk decorating his lips. “You lost?”

Jeongguk straightens up, clearing his throat before confronting the elder with an unamused look. “No,” he rolls his eyes. “I’ve lost my phone so…” Jeongguk makes a small gesture with his hands as if to say ‘move’.

He doesn’t.

Instead, Taehyung's face morphs into that of amusement, he steps closer, looking down at the younger with a glint in his eye. Now, Jeongguk never considered himself small, his parents being the average height, Jeongguk and Namjoon inheriting their jeans. Namjoon is roughly a head taller than Jeongguk, but he never found it intimidating. Taehyung however, is a different story. He’s roughly the same size as Namjoon, if not an inch taller, but Jeongguk feels small compared to him, a foreign feeling. 

“I’ll help you.” Jeongguk is shocked at first, not expecting the elder to actually offer his assistance. Jeongguk thought he was only capable of making him a stuttering, flushed mess. 

“Oh,” he says, Taehyung raises an eyebrow at that, taking yet another step forward. 

“Oh?”

“I mean, thank you.” Jeongguk musters up a thankful smile. 

They look for about 5 minutes before Jeongguk finds himself sighing in defeat again. “It’s not here.” He can’t help the small pout, knowing he’ll probably have to get a new one. 

“Hmmm, have you check in here.” Taehyung says with fake thought. Pointing outside of the field and music, past the trees and towards the street. Jeongguk shakes his head no.

The eldest jumps up from his crouching position and seizes his wrist. “Won’t hurt to look.” Taehyung grins slowly, his voice low, posture commanding. Jeongguk doesn’t protest, allowing himself to be dragged through the bustling crowd of sweaty body’s. He’s not stupid, the likeliness of his phone being behind them trees is dim, yet he lets curiousity get the better of him and follows willingly. 

They veer through the trees, staying clear of loose branches and anything that could cause them to trip. Not once does Taehyung let go of his grasp around his wrist.

Once getting past the forest, the first thing Jeongguk is hit with is the intoxicating stench of petrol, the strong kind that once inhaled, you immediately feel light headed and loopy, high on the smell. The second thing Jeongguk notices is the vast amount of body’s crowding around something he can’t make out yet. They weave in and out of sweaty body’s, Jeongguk’s senses now overwhelmed with sweat, smoke and what he assumes is weed, (having never tried it,) along with petrol that stains the air. 

Taehyung’s grip loosens, for a split, terrifying moment, Jeongguk thinks he’s about to let go, leaving Jeongguk in the midst of body’s, never to be found again. Instead he grabs his hand, squeezing it in reassurance as they push and shove past the crowd. Jeongguk takes in the noticeable difference between their hands, where Jeongguk’s is soft and average in size, Taehyung’s are rough, a sign he uses them often with long fingers and prominent veins. He realises he loves Taehyung’s hands holding his, loves how they slot perfectly together, call him cliche. 

Shaking the thought of, Jeongguk redirects his attention to the immeasurable amount of people surrounding them, listens to how they cheer and chant, followed by a few muffled expletives. A blur of words lost in the blare of too many voices. Every so often a stranger will pat Taehyung’s shoulder in greeting, sharing a few words and smiles before continuing on. He feels grey against Taehyung’s buzzing neon. Like a trapped flame that will never get bigger or brighter, just slowly fizzle out, while Taehyung was a raging forest fire. There was something about the way he smiled; the way butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of Jeongguk’s stomach and the way the sun had somehow toppled down from the sky and made a home right there in his chest. He had the kind of smile that made you feel happy to be alive, Jeongguk was in a trance. 

They eventually make it through the crowd circling around, what Jeongguk can now make out as cars, racing cars in fact. A few of them were in line, all different colours. There was a small group of people swarming around the area, isolated from the crowd, cigarette buds hanging from their mouths, a group of people they were now heading towards. Jeongguk could recognise two familiar faces, Hoseok and Yoongi. From the distance he can make out them chatting amongst themselves, positively howling, slapping their hands up and down almost involuntarily, barely being able to breathe from laughter. Their faces soon morph into that of fear upon noticing them approaching. 

“Look what I found.” Taehyung says with a mischievous grin. Yoongi stands frozen, eyes trained on them and mouth agape. 

“Hey, Gukie.” Hoseok counters, paying no mind to the fact Jeongguk shouldn’t be here. 

“What the fuck is the kid doing here?” Yoongi finally speaks up, gaze never wavering from the pair. Jeongguk cowers at his harsh tone, suddenly feeling very out of place. Taehyung let go of his hand then, his once warm palm now turned cold, he misses his touch. Taehyung ignores his friend's question that still hangs unanswered in the air in order to greet the others, slapping their hands and pulling them in for a brotherly hug. 

“Who’s the kid?” One of the strangers asks after pulling back from the hug, gesturing in Jeongguk’s direction. There’s four unknown heads staring at him, all tall and rough looking with unshaven faces and sharp eyes. Taehyung pulls him under his arm then, the touch making Jeongguk’s whole body ignite with warmth, burning from the proximity. 

“This is Jeongguk, Namjoon's little brother.” Taehyung says, squeezing Jeongguk a little closer. 

“Namjoon has a little brother?” They all seem taken back by the unexpected statement. 

“Wow, who’d of thought Namjoon would be hiding a cutie like him.” Jeongguk can't help the flush that spreads crimson over his cheeks, being called cute by one of these strangers was flattering as well as intimidating. Taehyung clicks his tongue, fronting his friend with a pointed look, eyes screaming something Jeongguk himself can’t work out, but by the look of his friends knowing glimmer, Jeongguk recons he understood. 

“How old are you kid?” His other, much taller friend asks, his hair short, shaven with a bit of stubble. 

“I’m 19.” Noticing the awed look by the strangers, Jeongguk recons they’re a bit older in comparison to himself. 

“Guess Taehyung does like them young then.” Taehyung rolls his eyes with a scoff, jaw set, he doesn’t look annoyed though, mostly amused.

“Oh yeah, how old was that kid you fucked last month? 14 was it?” Taehyung says to his taller, shaved head friend. In his arrogant triumph, Taehyung smirks - just a small pouting of the lips; a narrowing of the eyes and a tilting of the head. The deep flush from anger and sudden need to protest is all the evidence Taehyung needs to know he’s caught his friend out. 

“She was 16 actually.” 

“Like that’s any better Jackson.” Jackson scoffs, adverts his eyes in embarrassment. Taehyung looks victorious.

“Would you look at that.” An unexpected voice makes everyone’s head turn, Taehyung must recognise the voice since his face turns cold, emotionless. They zero in on a tall but thin figure, lanky looking. He has dark shadows under sunken eyes, hardening features, dark hair slicked back, deep shadows under protruding cheekbones, a mischievous glint in his eyes. By how everyone stiffens, the stranger is no friend to the others. The stranger seemed to be walking past when he noticed the group, stopping in his tracks to actively provoke the others. 

Taehyung rolls his eyes while clicking his tongue, dropping his arm from the youngest in order to light a cigarette. “Dongwoo,” he says after a long drag, puffing smoke directly in the stranger’s face. 

“You racing Kim?” Dongwoo asks with a challenging look, inhaling the smoke with ease. 

“I might.” Taehyung says, squaring the other with an equally challenging gaze. He then shoots the tall, thin man a mirthless look, eyes hard, jaw set. 

“Good luck.” Dongwoo goes to leave then, sarcasm clear with how his lips curl up, nodding towards the others before departing. The tension leaves with him, watching the four strangers physically relax whilst Yoongi grimaces, eyes following Dongwoo. He mutters under his breath about not liking that guy. 

Hoseok breaks the line of silence then, patting Taehyung on the back before throwing an arm over his shoulder, dragging him in the direction of the aligned vehicles. Yoongi follows close behind. “Come on.”

“I’ll just, uh- go back to Namjoon-Hyung.” Jeongguk takes that as his cue to leave, not wanting to stand amongst total strangers he doesn’t trust to watch some race, he really shouldn’t be wasting time here when he hasn’t even bothered to look for his phone once, attention diverted elsewhere. Before Jeongguk has a chance to move, he’s abruptly stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder, pulling him in a warm embrace and towards the others. Taehyung opens the passenger door for him before circling back and sliding in the driver's seat. The race car was a thing of beauty and precision engineering. Jeongguk stands motionless, lacking the ability to concoct words. 

“Get in.” There’s a wicked glimmer in Taehyung's eye, his tone commanding, almost making Jeongguk submit to the order, almost. 

“I can’t, I got to go back.” Jeongguk protest. Taehyung rolls his eyes with a curled lip, reaching in his jean pocket and pulling out… is that my phone?

Jeongguk’s stunned, every part of him goes on pause while his thoughts attempt to catch up. Taehyung has my phone.

He’s had my phone this whole time.

Taehyung waves the device mockingly in front of the younger before placing it on the leather seat on the passenger's side. 

“Get in.” Taehyung repeats, his voice laced with delicacy, a smile that screams troublesome. 

“You-“ He’s unable to form words, sound being punched out of him from the unexpected twist. 

“Relax, I found it earlier but decided this would be more fun. Either way you were getting it back.”

Jeongguk moves on instinct and hops into the seat with his phone, Taehyung leaning over and shuts the door once he’s fully seated. Jeongguk should be mad, to some extent he is, but he can’t help feeling relief. Relieved that he doesn’t have to return to his brother with an apologetic smile and empty hands. Relieved he now doesn’t have to get a new phone, knowing they couldn’t afford it. 

The thought of his brother makes him panic, what is he going to do when he finds out Jeongguk was in a race. He can’t bear the disappointed look his brother will send him, especially after he finally opened up, letting Jeongguk back in his life, no matter how messed up Namjoon claims it is. The sound of the gear changing and engines roaring shakes Jeongguk out of his trance. The thought of Namjoon being pushed to the back of his head, now having to focus on actually getting through this race. 

Someone walks out in front of the cars, it’s almost from a movie scene, they count down from three, the whole event playing in slow motion for Jeongguk. 

One

Taehyung grips the wheel tighter with one hand, the other settling on the gear stick, face tense in concentration but a subtle smile playing on his lips, one that screams thrill and adrenaline. 

Two

“You might want to hold on, baby.” Taehyung doesn’t advert his concentration from the road, eyes zeroing in as if to mentally make a map of how this will plan out in his head. Jeongguk does what he’s told and grabs the nearest thing he can find, his leather seat. 

Three 

Nothing could prepare Jeongguk for the speed at which they take off. As soon as the woman in the middle waves the small material in the air, the cars are gone, zooming past her in seconds, her figure nothing but a dot to them. Jeongguk feels like he left his body back at the start, his soul the only thing left in this car. For a second the adrenaline and fear makes Jeongguk freeze, his grip tight as he digs his nails in the leather, leaving little crescents, grounding himself in place, fearing if he lets go, Jeongguk will fly backwards into the abyss.

The car hugged the curves of the track as if it were glued down, the only noise Jeongguk can hear is the purring of the engines and the rush of blood in his ears, thumping rapidly along with his heart, he feels dizzy, the speed becoming too much for him that he might actually throw up. Instead he screws his face up, squeezes his eyes shut, to suppress the scared sound trying to work its way out of his mouth, squeezing them closed in hope it’ll be over soon, grip tightening further on the seat like an animal digging its claws in its prey. Taehyung chuckles in amusement, whispers something along the lines of ‘cute’ but Jeongguk doesn’t hear that, he can’t hear anything anymore, having to keep holding his breath to unpop his blocked ears. 

Jeongguk feels a warm palm on his leg, squeezing in reassurance. He opens his eyes, then realises their neck in neck with someone he doesn’t know. The crowd slowly comes into view, even though they look like little, black dots at the moment, Jeongguk knows they’ll morph back into figures in seconds. 

After the final bend, Taehyung adjusts his gears, then eases on the gas, gradually building in speed before they hurtle past the opposing car. Jeongguk felt the flesh of his face being tugged back by the g-force, having to once again close his eyes, afraid the speed will make them pop from his sockets. Jeongguk doesn’t even realise they’ve stopped until he feels a soothing hand rubbing circles on his leg with a tight squeeze, he opens his eyes, takes in the broad smile on the elders face, eyes blown with thrill. Jeongguk hasn’t come down from the adrenaline rush yet, body still feeling like it’s going 100 miles per hour. 

“Come on sweetheart, lets go.” Taehyung says with a final squeeze on his leg before stepping out of the car. Jeongguk feels paralysed where he sits, remains rooted, doesn’t believe it’s possible his legs will oblige without combusting underneath him. Taehyung doesn’t give him a chance to dwell on the events, already extending his hand for Jeongguk to climb out.

The first thing Jeongguk is greeted with, is the overwhelming mass of body’s crowding their space. The sound of cheering coupled with the still ringing in his ears will probably be the cause of his headache later. Jeongguk calms down enough from the adrenaline to climb out the car, knees wobbly, but he manages to walk on his own, slapping Taehyung's hand away, refusing his help. 

Taehyung doesn’t seem bothered by the gesture, instead he saunters over a few steps towards a man. The man hands him a small envelope, said envelope being shoved in Taehyung's back pocket before turning back to the youngest. 

“You okay?” There’s concern in Taehyung’s eyes, something Jeongguk hasn’t seen before. There no trace of teasing behind his words, face clear from smirks and cocky expressions, instead he seems genuine. Jeongguk calms, releases a stuttered “yeah,” before pointing in the vague direction of the field again. 

“Can we head back, please?” Taehyung nods with a smile. Perhaps 'smile' wasn't the right word for it - the top row of teeth was showing, and there was a faint curve to the lips, but there was no crease below the eyes, only a small movement of the cheeks. Taehyung almost appears guilty. He still gently clasps Jeongguk’s hand in spite of everything, they start making their way through the horde of people and back through the forest. 

They find their way back to the once flooded sea of body’s, singing, dancing in the field, now empty, realising the people probably migrated from here to the race. 

They barely emerged from the branches before Jeongguk gets a face full of Namjoon. He knew his brother would be mad, anger etching his beautiful face, but nothing could prepare Jeongguk for the seething look he sends the pair. 

“Where the fuck were you! You’ve been gone almost an hour.” Namjoon’s eyes dart between Jeongguk and Taehyungs, unable to decide who to direct his rage towards.

“Relax, we were looking for his phone, after we found it we decided to hang out for a while.” Taehyung shrugs, Jeongguk mentally scoff’s, bewildered by his side of the story, “we,” more like you hid it from me and used it as bait to get me in your death trap of a car. 

Namjoon doesn’t buy it.

“Hang out?” Namjoon scoffs, fists clenched, hard staring eyes, there’s an edge to his voice, daring. 

“Cut the bullshit, I know you took him for a ride Taehyung, don’t fuck with me.” His voice is low and dangerous, a side Jeongguk has never seen before. 

Taehyung tuts, something Jeongguk thinks he shouldn’t have done judging by the way Namjoon’s face darkens further. “I never said I didn’t.” 

“No, but you purposely avoided telling me, I’m not stupid, I know how you work.” Anger boils deep inside Namjoon. 

“How I work?” Taehyung's calm demeanor drops then, narrow eyes stare back at the other, voice now with a hard edge. 

“Yes, how you work, how you drag normal people into your shit.” Namjoon challenges. 

“You saying I'm not normal, Hyung?” There’s a bite to Taehyung's words, stepping an inch closer while holding Namjoons gaze. 

“You know we aren’t normal,” Namjoon spits. “There’s no need to drag my younger brother into this.” 

Silence. Tension 

“This is why I didn’t want you to meet my friend’s Guk,” Namjoon eyes drop with meaning, pleading Jeongguk to understand. “We do crazy, fucked up shit like this, stuff you shouldn’t be getting involved in.”

“I’m fine Hyung, really-“

“Fine? How the fuck is Taehyung making you take a ride against your will fine.” His face contorted with the venomous outburst.

“I wanted to.” Jeongguk blurts out, making both heads snap in his direction, he can’t believe what he’s about to say but continues anyway. “If I didn’t want to do it then I wouldn’t have gone with him, I didn’t crack under pressure, hyung.” In the corner of Jeongguk’s eye, Taehyung raises a questioning yet amused eyebrow at him.

Fuck

“Jeongguk, it’s not safe.” Namjoon says, tired.

“I know Hyung, I won’t do it again, I was just curious. I’m not suddenly going to become some street racer.” Jeongguk attempts a smile, hoping to bring light to this dull conversation, trying to defuse the tension. Namjoon doesn’t seem amused, instead he remains silent for a while, eyes fixed on him. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Jeongguk almost chokes, stunned, Namjoon sporting the same expression, not expecting Taehyung to apologise. Yoongi chooses that moment to appear out of the trees, almost stumbles backwards from his friend's apology. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Taehyung says with a roll of his eyes, heavily sighing before continuing. “I know it was dangerous and I’m sorry.” He almost looks pained admitting that, clearly not admitting defeat often. Yoongi walks over then, choosing to stand beside his best friend, sending them all a confused look at first but catches on quickly. 

Namjoon defleats, fist unclenching to rub his face, a gesture to show his tiredness. “Yeah okay, I shouldn't have said what I said. But I’m still fucking pissed you would actively take Jeongguk on a ride, knowing how I’d react,” before Taehyung can protest, Namjoon puts a hand up to stop him from interrupting. “But we’ll talk about this later, I’m tired.” To show his tiredness, Namjoon huffs before switching his gaze to his brother once again. 

“Jeongguk lets go.” 

He does without any hesitation, knowing now is not a time to protest and make his brother angrier. Before they leave he says a quick goodbye to his hyungs and sends an apologetic look towards Taehyung. 

Then they're gone. 

That night, when Jeongguk is all bleary eyed and on the verge of sleep, he gets a text from an unknown number.

‘Night cutie’

Somehow, Jeongguk already knows who the number belongs to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, even though I’m not very fond of it. I hope you guys continue to read and look forward to the rest of the story. X
> 
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)
> 
> If you guys wanna talk :)


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You smell so good.” Jeongguk, honest to god, thinks he could just die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally posted this chapter, I’m sorry for the wait guys. I kept re-writing certain scenes. I’m honestly the most indecisive person ever, I kept coming up with new ideas and wanted to to fit it all in one but I’ve stuck with the plot I have. I really like it so I hope you guys do too. I also hope you guys enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks everyone for the support and nice comments, I really appreciate it and am very grateful. :)

Jeongguk never did reply back to that text.

He spent ages writing out replies, erasing them, writing them out again then just giving up, deciding there’s nothing he could say now that wouldn’t come across needy. 

It was the night of the festival when he got that text, it being a Friday now, Jeongguk hasn’t heard a word from Taehyung. 

Neither one of the siblings brought the incident up. After witnessing Namjoons venomous outburst, Jeongguk was left reeling, deciding against talking to his brother to avoid further conflict, not wanting to be on the receiving end of his rage. Surprisingly, Namjoon acts like the event never happened, leaving all resentment on the field, never directing any towards Jeongguk. They’ve been normal- well, as normal as they can be. 

Seokjin and Jimin never once brought up the subject either, even when Namjoon wasn’t present to the conversation, they acted as if it never happened. It confuses Jeongguk, how they can just act so nonchalant. He’s not complaining, Jeongguk’s happy they can move past this, he just feels that somehow, there’s more to it, that there’s something his hyungs aren’t telling him. 

Seokjin is currently out with Namjoon, the pair picking up fast food, a tradition to have a greasy meal, being fried in oil that is nothing but unhealthy for you yet is devoured in seconds, moaning around each mouthful.

Jeongguk and Jimin are busy playing video games. It feels so very domestic, having people over for dinner, Jeongguk could easily get used to this. He isn’t ashamed to say he’s grown slightly attached to that idea, finding he’s always seeking their company. He longs after Seokjin’s verbal vomit about how unfair the world is and Jimin's tinkling laughter brightening up his day.

Words can’t describe how grateful Jeongguk is to have these hyungs in his life, he’s lucky to call them friends. 

“This just isn’t fair!” Jimin’s low growl of disapproval makes Jeongguk laugh, he can only gently pat his friend’s back in comfort, a devilish grin on his face from winning for the 7th time in a row at Mario Kart. 

Jeongguk rolls his head back, his wrist, popping the bones and laughing when Jimin makes a face.

“Where is everyone?” 

“It’s a Friday, the others are probably out partying and getting up to shit.” Jimin says with a shrug, following Jeongguk’s lead and stretching out his muscles. 

“Why don’t you go out partying, Jimin? Like other university students or like Taehyung probably does?” He realised his tone came out a little bitter at the end, and even though he can see the raised brow on Jimin’s face, his friend doesn’t question it.

The idea of Taehyung heavily partying, getting shitfaced and fucked up doesn’t settle well with Jeongguk. He chalks it up to Taehyung's impulsive demeanor and Jeongguk only being concerned for the elder. 

“You’re younge, why don’t  _ you _ go out partying ‘like Taehyung.’” Jimin answers the questions with another question, clearly amused as he smiles teasingly. 

“Who's partying like Taehyung.”

Jeongguk’s head snaps up, eyes wide when he regards Taehyung, standing at the front door, a black baseball cap decorating his head, blending in with his hair, making him look that much more intimidating. Namjoon and Seokjin walk in not far behind, a plastic bag in their hands, Jeongguk registers it as their food. To say Jeongguk is surprised by Taehyung's presence is an understatement. 

“Were you guys talking about Mark’s party?” Seokjin questions. Jeongguk gapes at the trio, astounded to see Taehyung and Namjoon civilly in the same room. 

Jimin shakes his head no at his cousin's question, he doesn’t share the same look as Jeongguk, his soft, calm features suggesting he already knew this was going to happen.

“No, but I’m planning on going if you guys are, could get pretty wild so I don’t want to go on my own.” Jimin says, regarding them all with pleading eyes. 

“Yeah, me and Yoongi are going,” Taehyung finally settles on the couch, shifts his legs up onto the small coffee table, not caring if he crunches papers Jeongguk left out from earlier under his black boots.

“Hyungs?” Taehyung asks. 

“Nah, me and Hoseok got a gig Saturday night, Seokjin already promised us he’d come.” Seokjin makes a noise at that, pouting his lips.

“Should’ve waited before I agreed and then considered my options.” Seokjin huffs, fake annoyance in his voice. Namjoon waves him off before heading towards the kitchen, plastic bag full of their food in hand and places it on the counter. Seokjin follows behind despite his strop. 

“What about you?” Taehyung smirks, hooking an arm over the couch and tilting his head in a way that makes Jeongguk visibly weaken if not for the heavy stare directed his way.

“I- uh-“ Jeongguk gazes at his brother. Gosh he feels like a child, looking at your parents when you don’t know how to answer a question, wanting them to answer everything for you. Jeongguks nineteen, he can go to a party if he wants.

He clears his throat.

“Sounds fun.” 

“There’s no way.” Jeongguk cringes, he should've expected his brother to refuse.

“Lighten up, let the kid live a little.” Taehyung pulls his cap off for a moment, brushing his hair back and settling it right back on. Jeongguk takes a second to let go of the image, mind wandering into dangerous territory.

“You wanna go there Kim? You’re lucky I forgave your sorry ass and invited you here. Don’t push it.” Namjoon says sternly, stopping his previous movements in order to face Taehyung with a challenging look.

_ Not again. _

“Actually,” Seokjin pipes up then, diffusing the tension by stepping in. “I think it could be fun, Jimin will be there.” He seems to hesitate for a moment, weighing his words. “He’s not Chaewon, you can trust Jeongguk.” 

_ Chaewon _

The name sounds very familiar to Jeongguk. He ponders on it for a while until it hits him. That was Namjoon’s old friend, they briefly met when Jeongguk was still playing with toys, he remembers how sweet she was when they met. They met by mistake, not too dissimilar to how Jeongguk had met Yoongi. He remembers Namjoon panicked expression when Jeongguk discovered late one night, definitely passed infant Jeongguks bedtime. He wasn’t a naive kid, he assumed that was his brother girlfriend, but Namjoon never answered that question. Instead, he was eager to get upstairs, hide her away in his room. Their parents seemed unaware of her presence, they didn’t seem to know she existed. Jeongguk never saw her again after that night. He’s surprised he remembers her and that the name was brought up after all these years.

A heavy sigh catches Jeongguk’s attention. 

“I’ll think about it.” Namjoon says whilst viciously rubbing his face. Jeongguk can work with that. Seokjin nods before dropping the subject, grabbing dishes from the cupboard for their, most likely cold food. 

Their stomach thanks them with a hum as soon as they finish their remaining portion of food, full and content. Namjoon and Seokjin leave to wash up the bombshell of a kitchen, complaining at first how they had to go out and buy the food, yet they still dragged their moaning selves to the kitchen. On the counter lies several empty containers, paper bags thrown around the place, the result of getting everything ready so they can just  _ eat _ . Taehyung left to smoke on the balcony after Namjoon scolded him for lighting a cigarette inside, saying Taehyung will be used as a punching bag if he burns a signed hole in the couch. 

Jimin and Jeongguk resume gaming, deciding to sneak in a couple before everyone returns and opts for a movie. 

They’re in the middle of a game when Taehyung comes back in, Jeongguk pays no mind to the elder in order to concentrate on the game at hand. He feels the dip of the couch, the tell- tale sign someone is sitting beside him. A shuffle, then there's a hand, circling his nape. Jeongguk outwardly shivers, body revealing a wave of goosebumps. The touch cold from where Taehyung was outside, amplifying the shivers further. 

The touch makes him jolt forward, comforting the elder with a staggered look. Taehyung pays no mind to Jeongguk, mindlessly tapping a finger with his right hand over his phone, gaze downcasted. 

The touch disappears after a beat, allowing Jeongguk to fully concentrate on the game, his competitive self not wanting Jimin to win. But it returns, this time much lower, loitering small circles on his back, the touch leaving a burning trail until it reaches the hem of his shirt. Just when Jeongguk thinks he’s stopped, the hand tucks under his shirt, skin on skin contact. He tries to will away his thoughts, focusing on the game, but it’s near impossible, not when he can feel the rapid pulse in his chest, threatening to beat a rhythm too many.

Taehyung's hand trails his spine, delicately grazing the skin as he goes lower and lower, reaching the waistband of his jeans with a devilish grin and plays with the skin there. 

“Ha, fucker!” Jimin’s voice makes the youngest jolt out of Taehyung's reach, smirking smugly once he passes the finish line and wins. Jeongguk lets out an annoyed groan and slumps against the back of the couch, giving Taehyung a dirty look.

Namjoon and Seokjin join them not long after, getting comfy as they choose a film. 

It’s halfway through the film when Taehyung leans in, whispering directly in his ear, his deep voice giving Jeongguk shivers once again. 

“Meet me Wednesday.” 

Jeongguk snaps his attention to him, not able to wrap his head around what Taehyung just asked. A cauldron of emotions fade in and out of Jeongguk’s body, feeling thrilled but scared at the idea all at once. Knowing he’s unable to form any words, Jeongguk slowly nods, dazed by the elder, possibilities and scenarios run through his head. 

_ Fuck _

What has he just agreed too? 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


Taehyung texted him that night. 

The Wednesday in question rolls around quickly. Taehyung texts him saying he’ll pick Jeongguk up after his final lecture. 

Jeongguk’s day has been fairly normal, nothing out of the ordinary. He has a small group of friends of mixed ages, some junior’s and some sophomores like himself. Jeongguk doesn’t consider them close friends, not people he could necessarily trust. They’re the type of people who are hooked on status like it’s their life purpose, doesn’t care who they hurt or fuck as long as they have a good time and get their dicks wet. 

The main reason he puts up with them is because of Eunwoo, the only person he’d consider a friend. Eunwoo is close with his sophomore brother, hanging around him and his group of friends, Jeongguk being dragged along like a dog on a leash. Eunwoo’s obsessed with making his brother proud, proving himself by getting shitfaced, partying his night away and rebelling against simple rules, following his brother's footsteps just to be considered ‘cool.’ Jeongguk doesn’t crack under the same pressure as Eunwoo does, finding status so pointless, so he doesn’t go out with them, rarely even hangs with them around campus, opting to leave when Eunwoo decides to sit with his brother and his dickhead friends. Eunwoo is a good person, despite the constant need to impress his brother, he was there for Jeongguk when his grandma died or when his parents started taking longer business trips. 

Jeongguk isn’t one to easily forget acts of kindness. 

Jeongguk tried to focus in class, slumping in his plastic chair which was alright a few grades ago but now all the heights were wrong and it makes his back ache. The teacher droned on, he wasn't quite sure what the topic was, something about financial budgeting. His mind was too occupied by the possible events later, his head playing different scenarios, some completely ridiculous. It’s funny how a change in routine can make you a nervous mess, overloading your brain with useless thoughts and scenes that definitely wouldn’t happen. Yet Jeongguk never felt this way when going to Jimin and Seokjin’s for the first time, maybe it’s because he knew it was strictly platonic, getting to know Namjoons friends and them helping with homework. This is different, the possibilities are endless. There’s no denying Jeongguk’s attraction towards Taehyung, it’s just strange since women were all he knew. Jeongguk doesn’t know what to think of these new found emotions and thoughts.

Taehyung makes Jeongguk feel things he never imagined he would. Never imagine feeling lust like he does. Jeongguk wonders at what point in his life did he deserve to have his sexual awakening come in the form of this older man. At lunch he pushed his food away. With butterflies in his stomach and his head buzzing with possibilities, there was no way on Earth he'd swallow a bite, let alone a whole meal.

The day went along slowly, Jeongguk’s nerves on a high with the thought of being alone with the older. The monotone buzz of several-hundred voices hummed like an orchestra of deadbeat droids, Jeongguk zoning said voices out. His 

focus stuck on his phone.

**[5:37 p.m.] Taehyung** :  _ I’m out back _

The walk to his car is nerve wracking, every step closer making him feel tense, heart rate spiking. He sees the elder leaning against a brick wall, his black hair swaying in the wind, biceps flexing whilst taking a drag. He easily rakes his eyes over Taehyung's body. Relishes the raw masculinity, all tight muscle and full-blown sex appeal, a glaring virility that knocks the breath right out of his lungs.

“Hey cutie.” Taehyung greets. 

They sit in comfortable silence once they reach the car, turning the engine on before departing, all that’s interrupting it is the low sound of the radio, playing some top pop song that Jeongguk isn’t listening to. The wind pushes on the car to no avail, the tires make their monotonous hiss over the rain-washed highway. Jeongguk watches how the bright yellow lights shine in the rain droplets that layer the tinted window. 

They park not long later, stationed in an empty car park in the middle of nowhere. 

“should I be scared that you’ve taken me somewhere so isolated? The perfect place to be murdered.” Jeongguk mumbles, tacking in the isolated scenery with wide eyes, it earns a chuckle out of the elder.

It’s surprisingly quite peaceful. Jeongguk establishes nature without the haze of discontent, takes in the beauty of this reality with his own eyes. Here there are real flowers with petals that look almost plastic, painted. Nothing is too big or bold. A small town rests below them. 

“It’s nice here.” Jeongguk suddenly says, watching as the leaves from the trees sway in the breeze. 

“I come here sometimes when I just want to be alone,” Taehyung comments, his grin obvious in the way his eyes crinkle. “It’s peaceful, an escape from everyone.”

“You sound so soft.” Jeongguk snorts, amused by the elders out of character comment, it earns an eye roll and a chuckle from Taehyung, making warmth blossom in the pit of his stomach, knowing he’s able to make Taehyung laugh. 

“Shut up.” 

“I can see why you like it here, it’s relaxing, looking out on the lights, I like it.” Jeongguk eyes soften, understanding the beauty of this place. Jeongguk would come here if he ever felt the need to escape, a place in which he can feel serene, immerse himself in nature. 

They sit in comfortable silence for a moment, taking in the scenery, the car long turned off. The only noise that remains is the faint hum of wind. His lungs are soon exposed to the intoxicating stench of nicotine. 

“You really should stop smoking, it’s bad for you.” Jeongguk blurts, earning a snort from the elder. He realises just how cliche that sounded, probably having heard that numerous times before. 

“Or at least smoke outside.” He doesn’t back down. 

“You always this uptight?,” Taehyung smirks, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head, left side of his lip tugging upwards. 

“Didn’t realise Namjoon had you on such a leash, bet you’re not allowed to cuss, are you baby?” 

“Fuck off.”

“Such a potty mouth.” Taehyung laughs, making the younger laugh too. He takes another breath in, the fog of smoke flowing from his mouth in a taunting way. Jeongguk scrunches his nose in disgust after inhaling too much, a small cough involuntary escapes his mouth. Taehyung watches him with amusement, eyes mischievous as he leans in a little closer, thumb and index finger coming up to brandish the cigarette to Jeongguk.

“I don’t smoke.” Jeongguk refuses. 

“Surprising.” The sarcasm was easy to detect, impressively clear, making Jeongguk roll his eyes and scoff. 

“What’s the deal with you and your brother anyway?” 

Jeongguk is taken back by the question at first, but he soon relaxes when he realises what the elder means. He’s talking about why Namjoon is so overprotective. 

“I think it’s because of our parents, we uh- we don’t see them that often as I’m sure Namjoon has probably told you,” Taehyung nods slowly. “We ended up living with our grandma for a while, Namjoon was eventually old enough to get a place of his own so he did, which left me with our grandma.” Taehyung watches him intensely, bringing the drag between his lips from time to time and inhaling. 

“I don’t know how but somewhere along the line we drifted apart, I rarely saw him.” Jeongguk waves his hand, cutting a long story short. “Anyway, when our grandmas died I moved in with him, I think he felt some sort of responsibility towards me, even though I’m of age to get a place of my own, I’m more than capable to look after myself. I think he feels guilty for partly causing a rift between the family. When our parents first started taking longer business trips, he became bitter and cut off from us. I know he’s only trying to look out for me, keep me away from trouble.” 

Taehyung hums, continuing to take long drags. 

“He had a close friend when he was about your age,” Taehyung begins, catching the younger off guard since he thought the conversation ended. “I don’t know much, but what I do know is that the kid killed herself, let the pressure get to her.” Jeongguk sits in shock, wondering where Taehyung is going with this. “Namjoon was pretty shaken up, blamed himself.” He flicks the used cigarette out the opened car window, raising it slightly after as to not let the now harsh wind in. 

“Pressure?” Jeongguk wonders if Taehyung is talking about Chaewon, it makes sense, Seokjin randomly mentioned her last week, saying her name in a delicate way as to not scare Namjoon off with it. Jeongguk found it strange.

_ ‘He isn’t Chaewon.’ _

Taehyung hums again before continuing. “Got up to some dodgy shit, socialised with dangerous people. Namjoon tried to talk her out of it but she wouldn’t listen. In the end she owed money she didn’t have, it all became too much for her.” Jeongguk’s brain stutters for a moment, eyes taking in more light as he goes on pause, mind attempting to catch up on the somber information. 

“Why does Namjoon blame himself?” Jeongguk questions, still unable to comprehend all of this. Taehyung shrugs.

“She was a few years younger than Namjoon, he took a strong liking to her and fast, their feeling’s seemed mutual.” A pause. “But the kid got with the wrong type of people, dangerous, drug dealing types. Namjoon felt like he had responsibility over her, much like does with you.” His face is stuck in an incredulous expression, brain desperately scrambling, suddenly making sense of it all. Namjoon doesn’t want Jeongguk to share the same fate as Chaewon, his need to protect the younger ran deeper than just guilt from putting distance between the two. 

“I didn’t realise…” Jeongguk didn’t know what to say at this point, what was you supposed to say to that? He guesses he should bring it up to Namjoon, but he doesn’t want to upset the elder, knowing it’s a trauma induced conversation. 

“Can’t blame your brother. With an innocent face like yours, I almost want to protect you from myself… almost.” Jeongguk scoffs but blushes nonetheless, mind reeling with how the elder said  _ almost _ , saying it as if they should keep their distance but doesn’t want to. Jeongguk won’t protest. 

It’s not until they are driving home that Taehyung brings up the party, asking the Younger if he’s going. Namjoon eventually agreed to let him go as long as he promised to stay safe, only allowed to drink a few drinks tops. He was to stay at Jimin’s that night, the party being closer to his house, his Hyungs couldn’t drop him home since everyone would be drinking and Namjoon was at some gig. 

Jeongguk wondered if he should even go, if the others just invited him out of politeness. 

“I don’t know… I can but-“ 

“Good you can stay with me.” Taehyung cuts him off. Jeongguk, for the 100th time that day, finds himself lost for words. A variety of emotions hitting him at once, leaving him confused but excited. Excited for the potential meaning behind those words. 

“But I’m staying with Jimin.” Jeongguk protests, genuinely confused by his statement. Taehyung doesn’t ask, he’s  _ telling _ Jeongguk.

“Yoongi will be going to Jimin’s after, even though our place is much closer, so that means I’ll be all alone because that fucker wants to get his duck wet.” Jeongguk always expected the two Hyungs were fucking, could tell by their shared glances and extra long touches. He’s uncertain if there’s unspoken feelings there or if it just lust. Jeongguk never asked, no matter how curious he is, he reminds himself it isn’t his place. 

“I want you to stay…”

“…unless you want to be kept up by them fucking each other senseless then suit yourself.”

It’s an excuse, Jeongguk knows it’s an excuse. It’s so blatantly obvious that the youngest could almost laugh, laugh at how Taehyung cowers away at the end, laugh at how shy he suddenly looks, how his cheeks flush the tiniest bit, you’d have to be really looking to notice. Jeongguk’s mouth twitches like he wants to smile, warmth and heat gushing through him like a forest fire, Taehyung  _ wants _ him there. 

“Forget it.” Taehyung says once they park, roughly scratching the back of his head. 

“I’ll stay.” Taehyung static movements stop, nodding his head with an involuntary grin threatening the corner of his lips. Jeongguk gives up trying to hide his smile, grinning anyway. 

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


They arrived not long ago, Yoongi complained the entire time even though he agreed to go a week prior. He plasters on a fake smile, acting the friendly and approachable part. As soon as they turned up, they were greeted by a group of guys crowding around Taehyung and Yoongi, Jeongguk trailing behind Jimin. He recognises one of the guys from the festival, Jackson, he thinks. 

Jeongguk feels so out of place, watching how his Hyungs socialise with almost everyone that passes them. He watches as they laugh at some shit joke that some nameless stranger made in an attempt to impress them. They finally make their way through the crowd of overly sweaty and sticky bodies, only to get stopped again by more nameless strangers. 

Jeongguk is currently pressing himself against one of the walls to avoid being touched by a pair of sweaty bodies viciously sucking face. Jeongguk’s discomfort must show when the pair start getting more shameless, grinding against each other. 

Jimin smirks, amused. “Having fun Jeongguk?”

“Shut the fuck up.” 

Taehyung turns, gaze ripped away from the conversation to take in the younger. He chuckles before breaking the couple up and leading Jeongguk away. 

Jimin giggles. 

“I’m too sober for this shit, I need a fucking drink.” Yoongi says after escaping the monotone conversation, edging towards the kitchen and dragging Jimin in toe. 

They’re all grabbing a drink, seeking various bottles and mixers, all stuff that Jeongguk is oblivious to. He stands there motionless, letting his Hyungs have first pick on drinks. 

A distant, hazy chatter can be heard, Jeongguk vaguely hears someone shout Jimin’s name, causing the latter to reel away from the kitchen, dragging Yoongi along as they move towards a group of guys. Sloshing their clear liquid around whilst doubling over with laughter. 

“You need some help?”

The rough voice sends Jeongguk into fits, visibly jumping from the unexpected proximity. There’s hands wrapped around his slim waist, overheating his body. Taehyung whispered directly in his ear, his hot breath sending waves down his spine, his hair sticking up. Taehyung buries his face in between his neck and shoulder, inhaling. 

“You smell so good.” Jeongguk, honest to god, thinks he could just die.

Taehyung moves away all too soon, already twirling handles around, observing brand names and flavours. He mixes a few different liquids before coming back, handing the younger the drink with a sly smile. Taehyung was out to kill, he just looked too good in his signature black jeans and white tee, natural wavy black curls clinging to his brow. He looks sensual. It’s funny how Jeongguk pined for the cliche tatted up bad boy who smokes and parties the nights away rather than finding an intelligent woman his age. 

Jeongguk lifts the cup to his lips, taking a sip just as Taehyung places a kiss to his neck. It’s soft, a gentle graze of lips touching skin, only lasting a second. Jeongguk tries not to focus on the burning where skin touched his, attempting to reel in his emotions, reel in the blush that threatens to form. The knowing look on Taehyung’s face tells Jeongguk he didn’t succeed. 

They join the others not long later, having been here for a while now, Jeongguk is starting to feel the gentle buzz of alcohol flow through his system, his mouth numb from the taste. Somewhere along the line, Jeongguk was left alone, it’s barely even been five minutes and he’s starting to become restless, desperately seeking the others to come and save him from boredom. Yoongi and Jimin left a while ago, being dragged out front. Taehyung left a few minutes ago, Jackson coming into view, the pair exchanging whispers and chuckles. Taehyung’s face lights up after a specific exchange of words, obvious in the way his eyes widen and lips crinkle. Jeongguk can barely make out their conversation, the overwhelming sound of music preventing him from eavesdropping. He just about made out the words ‘goods’ and ‘outback.’ Taehyung left after that, not before telling Jeongguk he’ll be back and won’t be long, for the younger to stay there. 

“You alone kid?” 

Jeongguk blinks, lips parting from the plastic cup as his eyes scan the room to find the owner of the voice. He recognises the voice as one of Taehyung’s friends, the one he met at the festival. The guy walks over, leaning against the counter as he observes Jeongguk’s surroundings, noticing that he is, in fact, alone. 

“Taehyung leave you, did he?” He leans in closer, crowding Jeongguk’s space. It’s said more like a statement than a question. 

“‘S with Jackson.” Jeongguk slurs, realising he’s much drunker than he anticipated. 

Taehyung’s friend hums. “Probably somewhere snorting shit,” he lightly chuckles.

“What does that druggy see in you anyway?” he scans Jeongguk from head to toe after a moment of silence, making the younger feel small under his judgemental gaze.

“I- uh,” 

“I mean you’re hot I’ll give you that, but nothing some pussy couldn’t satisfy.” He smirks, devilish features making the younger curl in on himself.

“That’s enough BamBam.” 

Yoongi. Jeongguk is immensely grateful for the elders' appearance. 

BamBam rolls his eyes, pushing himself off the counter. “Alright man. Was just keeping him company while Tae gets shitfaced.” He pats Yoongi’s shoulder before leaving.

“Where’s Tae?” Jimin asks, eyeing Jeongguk questionably. The younger shrugs and points in the vague direction he left in with Jackson. 

“That little shit,” there’s tell-tale signs of anger, face contorted, fist clenched. “Stay here” Yoongi says with a curt voice before leaving.

Jeongguk stands unmoving, bewildered by Yoongi’s sudden rage. He looks to Jimin who smiles at him sadly. 

“Come on, let's just get a drink.” Jeongguk is dragged further in the cram of people, pushing and shoving past in order to get to the drinks. 

“Excuse me.” Jimin says to one of the, abnormally tall, strangers, their back is facing them. The stranger turns, regards Jimin with a look, scoffs and turns back around. 

Jimin clicks his tongue, annoyed. 

“Excuse me.” He repeats, this time said with a bite to his voice. The stranger turns then, looking at Jimin with irritation. 

“What!” He’s much taller than Jimin, looking down at him like he’s some kid. He’s possibly a few inches taller than Taehyung.

Jeongguk isn’t sure why he suddenly thought of the latter. 

“Look man just move.” Jimin says, attempting to push past the guy who clearly isn’t going to move. The stranger pushes Jimin back, causing the latter to lose balance and tumble backwards into Jeongguk. Jimin straightens up, dusting himself off. Jeongguk frowns, fist clenched and eyes locked, he stands in front of his smaller Hyung.

“What the fuck!” Jeongguk spits, face contorted with rage. The stranger clicks his tongue, mimicking Jimin’s previous motions. 

“Fuck off fags.” Jeongguk’s rage only enhances.

“Excuse me?” He’s not one to let words affect him but that one cut deep, way too close to home. Jeongguk has been battling with his sexuality ever since Taehyung entered his life. He’s never questioned the majority of who he was, some days he wondered if that hairstyle suited him, or if he thought that film was worth the watch, but never did he believe there’d come a day where the question posed to him was that of his own sexuality. Deciding long ago that women were attractive and he wanted to date that one girl in highschool. Instead he’s left reeling, going back over every detail of his life, finding significant aspects that could lead him to the conclusion of his sexual preference. So that word hurt, used in a context to suggest liking men is wrong, a disease that needs to be cured, unnatural, outcast from the supposedly ‘normal’ people.

“Did that hit a nerve? Ashamed you enjoy sucking cock?” The stranger says, inching closer. “Getting rammed hard up-.”

Jeongguk blinks.

Everything happened so quickly, one minute Jeongguk was sure he was about to engage in his first fight, the next the stranger was plummeting down, nose misshapen and streaming blood. 

Taehyung stands there, seething on the spot as he breathes heavily, mouth agape, pupils blown. He looks crazed like this, Jeongguk isn’t ashamed to admit he finds it attractive. 

The stranger suddenly leaps towards Taehyung, knocking them both on the floor. It’s a game of tug of war, who gets on top of who to punch the other. Jeongguk acts on instinct, attempting to pry Taehyung away from the other, however, he gets caught in the crossfire during a particular punch from the stranger, sending him backwards. 

“Shit Guk, you alright?” Jimin asks, crouching down next to the younger. 

“‘M fine.” Jeongguk doesn’t feel fine, his head was already hurting prior to this, he’s spinning now.

“Shit Tae, lets go!” Yoongi shouts. “Fuck you, Hojin.” Taehyung seethes, continuing to punch the stranger. 

Jeongguk can vaguely see Yoongi tug Taehyung off Hojin who’s now groaning, face full of blood. What Yoongi lacked in size, he made up for in strength since he was able to pry Taehyung off the stranger. Jimin hauls Jeongguk up, leading the younger out of the now messy kitchen. There’s glass cluttering the floor, Jeongguk doesn’t even remember bottles being smashed. 

They eventually make it outside, Yoongi and Tae lead, pushing past swaying bodies and making a path for the pair. Jeongguk clings to Jimin, trying to see past his bleary eyes. That last drink being the cause to his current problem, cheeks flushed in a sign that he’s way past the point of no return. 

The walk back to Taehyung’s and Yoongi’s is long, Taehyung glances back every now and then to check on the younger. Pain throbs violently around Jeongguk’s skull, he wonders how it hasn’t cracked open. He’s blinded with flashing colorful spots, he craved the darkness, quiet and stillness. But the worst thing was by far the need to vomit, that burning feeling in the back of his throat, threatening to spill.

It’s like his stomach knew he was inside, the vomit now reaching its peak. Taehyung’s leading him to what Jeongguk can only assume is his bathroom. He rushes to the toilet and releases, letting the bile burn a path up his throat and spills.

“Shit kid, how much did you drink?” He can tell that’s Yoongi’s voice. Jeongguk doesn’t answer, too afraid that if he attempts to speak, more boiling liquid will spill. But he remembers drinking a lot actually, thinking he didn’t have a buzz so he kept drinking and drinking, it now suddenly hitting him full force. He can feel small hands on his back, rubbing soothing circles on his overheated skin. 

He vomits again.

“What the fuck Tae, why did you leave him?” Jimin shouts. 

“It was only for a second, I didn’t realise he drank so much.” Taehyung protests, slumping on the bathroom sink, leaning back and rubbing his face.

“You fucking idiot, you split your knuckles open.” Yoongi says, Jeongguk notices his red stained knuckles, shining with blood, though Jeongguk guesses it’s not just Taehyung's. 

Jimin’s eyes soften while Yoongi sighs. “It’s fine, they don’t hurt. That prick looks much worse than my knuckles.” Taehyung chuckles darkly. 

Jeongguk groans, lifting his head after a while when no more vomit formed. He leans against the bathtub, ass glued to the floor since he doesn’t think he can stand without falling flat on his face, holding his head in pain.

“Hurts.” He senses a body moving towards him, sitting on top of the tub, guiding Jeongguk’s head to rest on their lap. He can tell it’s Taehyung, the latter threading his fingers through his hair soothingly. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up and in bed.”

“Should I- we, uh-“ 

“You guys go,” Taehyung says, cutting Jimin off. “He’ll be fine with me, Jin will kick your ass if he finds out Jeongguk is like this, it’s better if I talk to Namjoon.” 

The latter looks reluctant to leave, eyeing Taehyung suspiciously.

Said boy rolls his eyes. “Really it’s okay, he’s drunk, I’d never do anything while he’s in this state.”

In the corner of his eyes, Jeongguk can see Yoongi lost in thought, looking between Jimin and Taehyung. “Yoongi, you go too,” It’s as if Taehyung can read his mind, Yoongi’s conflict so obvious in the way he bits his lip. “You left shit at Jimin’s anyway.” 

Yoongi doesn’t protest, just nods in agreement. 

Jimin still looks reluctant but crouches next to the younger anyway. “I’m going now Guk, will you be alright with Taehyung?” 

Jeongguk just groans in response which is good enough for Jimin. He reaches out and ruffles the younger by the hair before standing back up.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay.” 

“Jimin it’s fine, I wouldn’t suggest doing this on my own if I wasn’t.” Taehyung chuckles in amusement, Jimin nods, already making their way out of the bathroom. 

“You sure you’ll be alright kid with someone else- you won’t sleep with him here.” Taehyung scoffs, dismissing Yoongi’s concern. 

“I know.” Yoongi regards Taehyung with soft eyes, Jeongguk isn’t too drunk to miss the sudden tension in the room. 

“Just text me or Yoongi if you need anything.” Jimin still hesitates, lingering at the door. 

“Stop being dramatic and go, it’s fine.” With one final nod they leave the bathroom, the sound of the front door closing suggesting they’ve finally left.

Taehyung carefully hauls Jeongguk up from the bathroom floor, leading him to his bedroom. Jeongguk doesn’t get a chance to obsess over Taehyung silently stripping him, only taking his jeans off, leaving his tee and boxers on, he’s too desperate for sleep to care. He moves when asked and eventually is laid out on the bed, finally feeling somewhat at ease. 

  
  


*

  
  
  


Taehyung stares at the younger sprawled out on his bed, arms stretched and legs laced in his covers. He looks content like this, Taehyung can’t help but take in his soft, innocent features. Without thinking, he reaches out and lightly runs his finger through Jeongguk’s dark hair, pushing it out of his face.

Taehyung is about to snap his hand back once he realises what he's doing, but Jeongguk hums pleasantly, so he continues for a minute, raking his fingers through the younger’s hair in peaceful silence. He eventually pulls his hand away, deciding to leave the younger to sleep when Jeongguk’s hands darts out from under the covers and grasps onto Taehyung's wrist.

“Don’t go.” Taehyung halts, rotates back around to focus on the younger, an eyebrow raised. 

“You okay? Did you need anything?” His voice is hoarse from tiredness. 

Jeongguk shakes his head. “Feels good, don’t go.” He mumbles. 

Taehyung feels his heart lodge in the back of his throat as he swallows. “I won’t.” He whispers, the younger must’ve heard since he shuffles, dragging his limbs back and making room for the elder. Taehyung sighs when he lays down, lifting his hand to cards his fingers back through the younger hair.

Jeongguk eventually falls asleep, obvious in the way his chest rises and falls, his shallow breathing becoming even. Taehyung stays there for a moment, daring to allow his touch to linger a little longer than necessary. He guesses it was the weight of too many emotions taking hold of him and keeping him here. Taehyung simply finds his gaze on the younger man, admiring the dips and curves of all his features. He continues to pet through the strands, eventually stilling when Jeongguk shifts in his sleep. He can't help but lay and admire how adorable the sight is.

The predicament was, Taehyung was lost. He was so entirely confused, kept repeating to himself that he didn’t know what to do anymore. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, a game if you will, teasing the younger to no end. Taehyung felt undeniable pleasure in knowing he’s the cause of Jeongguk’s sexual awakening, knowing he’s the one that gets the boy flustered, it thrills Taehyung to the bones. Call him sick but he can’t get enough, he was to tease until the younger snapped, give into his craving. Because that’s what Taehyung does, he takes joy in building a relationship based on lies, knocking down their walls before leaving, having his way with them until he grows bored. Hurt people hurt people. But he can’t hurt Jeongguk, the idea making his blood run cold. Lust may have played a role, but Taehyung wasn’t naive enough to dismiss the pang in his chest when he looked at the younger, but he  _ will _ ignore it. 

He doesn’t do feelings, never has and never will. He doesn’t believe in love, finds it a meaningless feeling and in the end, you always get hurt. So what’s the point. Being told that life is about finding love and having a family, a word that cuts so very deep, how a single word can affect him so heavily. 

Family is nothing but a false image created to trick people into thinking it’s something you need, preaching this is the ultimate life goal, all the hardship is worth it when you have a family by your side. What happens when Taehyung's so-called family is the cause of his hardship, the cause of his loneliness, the reason he can no longer sleep at night, the reason he doesn’t believe in the fairytale that is love. If Taehyung could kill, it would be the people who preach how  _ ‘family is family, you should always forgive them no matter the issue. _ ’

Taehyung learned the hard way from the tender age of thirteen, that people are a disappointment, family is just a word to reel people into believing there’s hope for this god awful world. 

With these thoughts in mind, he gets up, knowing he won’t be able to sleep comfortably on his bed. He stays up, rummaging around in the fridge, settling on the couch to watch any crap he can find, it’s all just to pass time. 

At one point in the night, Jeongguk wakes, running to the toilet and emptying his stomach once more. Taehyung soothes him back to sleep, the younger not allowing him to leave, so he finds himself carding his long fingers through thick, silky hair. Taehyung knows he should stop whatever is happening between them, knows Jeongguk will end up hurt either way, so why not lessen the blow and do it now. Yet, he can’t, he’s much too selfish for that. 

He eventually migrates to the edge of his bed, sitting upright, a position he’s grown accustomed to. He stays there for a while, hoping sleep will find him, praying he won’t have another restless night, but he knows it’s near impossible to have a peaceful night with the younger laying only a mere few meters away from him, instead he settles for a few hours tops, for Taehyung, that’s a good night sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I’m fully so exited for this series, I’m praying it turns out like I planned. 
> 
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)
> 
> If anyone wanted to chat then my twitter is here ^  
> I’ll try and update on there as much as possible. Thank you again for everyone’s support and comments, it really means a lot :)


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That seems to be all the permission the elder needs since Taehyung’s freehand trails up to Jeongguk’s lips, prying them apart before hovering the almost finished cigarette in front of him. 
> 
> “Suck.” Taehyung's eyes sparkle playfully as he parts his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for the wait guys, I’ve been taking time and thinking this whole narrative through. The original idea remains, yet there’s some additional scenes I wanted to add in. The ideas just kept flowing and they were too good for me to just pass up.  
> I hope this chapter makes up for the wait, it gets kinda juicy ;)  
> Also, please notices I’ve updated the tags and characters, just an extra warning for people :) x  
> Now enjoy!

Jeongguk wakes to the splitting ache in his brow. He raises his heavy eyelids half way only for them to fall shut.   
  


He squints, dry mouth sticky with thick saliva and moans, trying to adjust to the harsh light. Jeongguk’s brain feels like it could swell beyond the capacity of his skull and now his dehydration is too obvious to ignore.

With heavy limbs, Jeongguk sits up, a full glass of water in mind. He assumes Taehyung slept in Yoongi’s room, it’s the only logical explanation for why Taehyung is no longer laying beside him. 

He couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Because there, sitting on the hardened floor, knees bent in a curled position, is Kim Taehyung, sleeping. He doesn’t look comfortable, his brows are furrowed and there’s thick sweat decorating his face, his fringe damp with the moisture. He’s shaking. 

Taehyung chooses that opportunity to open his eyes, movement slow, he’s squinting. Taehyung looks pained trying to raise his heavy eyelids, only managing to half open them long enough to stare at the younger, his eyes are bloodshot, defined with heavy black circles. Jeongguk’s able to get a quick look before he closes them once again. Taehyung looks physically deprived of strength from lack of sleep, Jeongguk’s heart sobs for the elders' tired expression. Surely Taehyung can’t be comfortable in that position? If he really didn’t want to sleep next to Jeongguk then there was a perfectly good bed in Yoongi’s room, so Jeongguk didn’t get it. Despite the constant flow of sweat glimmering on his forehead, he continues to shiver as if cold, but Jeongguk isn’t naive enough to work out it’s from fear, of what? Jeongguk doesn’t know. 

“Tae…”

The nickname slips out without his consent, but Jeongguk doesn’t dwell on it. Instead his focus remains stuck on the tired, shaking boy below him, said tired boy who is staring back at him, straining to keep his eyes open. Taehyung’s pained expression is enough to make Jeongguk’s mouth snap shut, not knowing what he was even going to say. They stare at each other for a while, the elders strong gaze making Jeongguk feel hot and uncomfortable, even though Taehyung’s expression remains immobile, his heavy breathing speaks volume, breathing as if panicked. 

Taehyung screws his eyes shut as if pained by the harsh light from the early morning sun eking through the windows, forehead and eyebrows crinkling with the movement. The elder brings his hands to his face, slowly rubbing the sleep out of his eyes then remains in that position. Jeongguk takes that opportunity to get up, swinging his bare beet to the hard floor, cold and sticky. With heavy steps, he leaves, dehydrated saliva coating his cracked lips reminding him how he screams for a drink. He quickly chucks on his jeans from last night before leaving. 

Jeongguk realises this is the first time he’s taking in Taehyung's apartment, noticing things his drunk mind didn’t comprehend last night. The place isn’t too dissimilar to Jimin’s and Seokjin’s, the layout the same, open kitchen lay next to the living room, separated by a small, rustic breakfast bar made of dark oak and black, metal legs. The apartment is much darker, a lack of decorations, but pleasing, all the more pleasing. He walks to the dimly lit living room, taking in the threadbared couch, fraying at the end. Unlike Seokjin’s, the apartment lacks photos, there’s only one that rests atop the dark oak coffee table, a small picture of Taehyung and a boy that looks very similar, sharing the same features. But there’s age to the photo, the boy, although young, is clearly older than Taehyung, towering over him. The photo is old, decaying at the edges, the quality isn’t the best. 

Jeongguk continues on to the kitchen, rummaging around the cupboards. Taehyung walks out at that moment, he is still wearing his black jeans and a white tee, a reminder of last night's events. Taehyung must’ve been too tired to change. 

He’s smoking again, the tell-tale signs of nicotine invading Jeongguk’s nostrils. Taehyung takes a long inhale of smoke, releasing slowly as if to exhale the stress and pain. Jeongguk still notices the glint of moisture on his forehead. 

“Eat what you want.” Jeongguk is slightly taken back by Taehyung's dead tone, confused as to why the elder is suddenly being blunt. He slowly nods as Taehyung leaves to the balcony, something Jeongguk’s grateful for. He’s grown slightly accustomed to the smell of that particle cigarette and it scares him. 

The thought of actually eating something makes Jeongguk’s stomach churn. So he doesn’t, instead he decides to settle on the breakfast bar, sitting down on one of the stools and scrolls through his phone. He hadn’t bothered checking his phone for calls or messages last night since he was so out of it. Lo and behold, there were two missed calls from his brother and a few text messages that came shortly from Namjoon.

**[3:04am] Namjoon:** _Seokjin’s just told me Jimin came back to the apartment alone._

**[3:13] Namjoon:** _Where the fuck are you?_

**[3:17] Namjoon:** _I swear to god Jeongguk you better answer your phone._

**[3:37] Namjoon:** _Just spoke to Seokjin, we’ll talk in the morning._

_ Shit. _

With a heavy sigh Jeongguk places his phone on the table and groans. He’s going to be in so much shit for getting pissed like that last night.

“What’s that sigh for?” 

Jeongguk looks up then, lifting his head from his hands, he notices Taehyung sliding the balcony door shut, seemingly finished with his cigarette. The cold early morning breeze no longer threatens Jeongguk’s skin. 

“Namjoon,” Jeongguk sighs. 

Taehyung nods his head in understanding, not allowing Jeongguk to continue. “I’ll talk to him.” He says, matter-of-fact. 

“No, it’s okay,” He shakes his head. “I should talk to him.” Jeongguk doesn’t intend for his voice to come out so small. Taehyung repeats his previous motion by nodding his head again. Silence spreads, neither one of them knowing what to say. Jeongguk feels like it’s the morning after a one night stand, the awkwardness blatantly obvious, he can feel it through the hard stare from the elder, prickling his skin.

“Have you eaten?” Taehyung breaks the building tension, leaning against the breakfast bar with his hands folded on top of his chest. Jeongguk doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to get over how hot the elder looks, even with his morning bed head and dark circles around his eyes. Dark circles that have to be the result from sleep deprivation, Jeongguk doesn’t know how he didn’t see it before, maybe it became more prominent last night, but he doubts one night of no sleep causes such dark rings. He’s unable to wrestle with the image of Taehyung early this morning, curled in on himself whilst hugging his knees, sweat apparent in the way that it shined, even in the dim lighting. 

“Are you okay?” Jeongguk asks, eyes soft. 

Taehyung remained silent for a long moment before finally providing an answer, curt as it was.

“Fine.” 

Jeongguk sat there in shock, frowning deeply at the idea of Taehyung actively being bitter, yet he continues to pry, curiosity and concern too strong to ignore. “You don’t seem fine, did you even sleep last night?” Despite his annoyance at the elders bluntness, he still manages to speak softly. 

Jeongguk can see the tension in those shoulders, eyes dark with the facade Taehyung prefers to currently put on. “Have you eaten?” There's a bite to Taehyung's voice, purposely changing the topic back to his previous question, sending the younger a look as if daring him to answer differently. Jeongguk never was one to back down from an argument.

“No, but-“

“If you're not eating then I’ll take you home.” His glare sets Jeongguk off, not even understanding where this bitterness is coming from or how it turned on him so quickly.

“You’re clearly not okay, I don’t understand why you’re avoiding my questions.” 

“Because it’s none of your business.” Taehyung snaps, heart pounding with anxiety as Taehyung eyes him darkly. He shouted that last part, frustration giving way to anger. 

“Fine.” Jeongguk spits, already getting up to leave. He pushes past the older, seething as he walks to the front door. He knows he shouldn’t have pried, had no right to, it wasn’t his business, Taehyung was right. But he can’t help feeling frustrated; frustrated that Taehyung is blatantly hiding something and by the looks of it, something quite serious if it means he isn’t sleeping. Yeah so he shouldn’t have pried, but he’s concerned, it’s not normal to be sleeping like that, Taehyung was clearly uncomfortable if his sweating and shivering wasn’t a clear indication. So his behavior revolving into the cold demeanor makes him frustrated. Jeongguk hates how so concerned he is over someone he barely knows, hates how he caves to Taehyung's entire being and his own feelings he isn’t ready to decipher just yet. He’s accepted there’s attraction and potentially feelings there. At first, he wrestled with the erotic thoughts plaguing his mind, imagining what it’d be like to be with Taehyung in  _ that _ way. He’s done fighting it now, but it doesn’t mean he wants to act on said emotions per se, doesn’t even know what he really wants out of Taehyung. All Jeongguk knows is that he’s accepted his sexual preference for both genders. Hell, he doesn’t know if Taehyung is even into guys like he suddenly is, doesn’t know if Taehyung reciprocates his internal crisis, struggles like he’s struggling. 

Jeongguk doubts it. 

“Let’s leave then,” Jeongguk licks his lips, keeping his eyes locked on the elder who seems to be having a crisis. Even though he’s at fault, Jeongguk doesn’t back down, too frustrated with his own emotions and feelings. 

Taehyung huffs before picking up his keys, getting ready and shoving past the younger to the door. They walk in uncomfortable silence to the car, in fact, the whole car ride is in uncomfortable silence. Neither one say a word, stubbornness taking over. It’s moments like these that Jeongguk wishes he has his own car, is able to drive around as pleases. To be fair, he’s never had much need until now, everything he needs is within walking distances, hell even Taehyung’s apartment isn’t too far, he could’ve possibly walked home. But his head is pounding, the thought of having to walk makes his headache enheighten. So Taehyung’s driving him home, a decision he now regrets.

Despite the argument, Taehyung still walks him up to his apartment, though Jeongguk suspects it’s too talk to his brothers than to actually be polite. 

Jeongguk’s suspicions are correct when Namjoon opens their apartment door, regarding the pair with such a dark look, Jeongguk almost wants to cower away. 

“You,” Namjoon is seething, spitting as he points towards Taehyung. “You seriously allowed him to drink until he could barely fucking walk straight,” he’s panting softly from his outburst. “Then you thought it’d be appropriate to take my little brother home with you and-“

“It wasn’t like that.” Jeongguk can’t help the hurt he feels at how quickly Taehyung denies that, even though he’s right, it wasn’t like that, nothing happened between them. It’s Jeongguk’s insecurities telling him that the elder may just be disgusted by the idea, if his crunched face at that accusation isn’t any indication.

He’s also shocked, shocked that Namjoon assumed something happened between himself and Taehyung. It wasn’t long ago that Jeongguk had his sexual awakening in the form of Kim Taehyung. 

“Look,” Namjoon signs, clearly exhausted but he doesn’t back down, he continues to frown, enraged. “If you don’t get your shit together Taehyung then I don’t-“ 

“It wasn’t his fault.” Jeongguk steps in, not allowing Namjoon to finish his sentence. He’s so sick of people treating him like a kid, him drinking was his choice, no one ‘ _ allowed’ _ Jeongguk, the choice was his. So what if he got drunk? It’s not that big of a deal, he’s not some vase that needs protecting all the time, expecting it to fall and smash. He’s nineteen.

“I was the one who chose to drink, no one  _ allowed _ me to. Taehyung took me back to his and  _ helped _ me, Jimin and Yoongi were there helping me as well, until they went back to Jimin’s apartment. Taehyung’s apartment just so happened to be closer.” 

“As soon as the others left, I slept.” Jeongguks adds on the end for good measure, just to reassure Namjoon that nothing happened between himself and Taehyung. Jeongguk's frustrated outburst appears to shock both hyungs, they stand there, mouth agape and eyes wide. 

They stand in silence for a while, no one daring to speak. He gives in though, not able to bear the others stares much longer. 

“I’m tired,” he announces, breaking the tension. “And, uh thanks Taehyung.” Despite the resentment, Jeongguk is still grateful towards Taehyung. He feels slightly embarrassed about getting so pissed last night that he had to be undressed. Oh god, Taehyung saw him throw up. 

With that thought in mind, Jeongguk pushes his way past before anyone can say anything, giving himself room to walk off into the apartment and ignore the questioning gaze at his back. He needs room to breathe, to think, and he needs to be far away to do that.

It’s later in the day, when Jeongguk wakes up from his nap, feeling slightly refreshed and headache subsides, that he decides to get a drink. Namjoon is sitting relaxed on the couch, eyes trained on him while the TV softly plays in the background. Jeongguk hesites in the kitchen before caving and sitting on the couch besides Namjoon.

They stay silent for a long while, neither of them seemingly paying attention to the channel Namjoon had put on.

“I’m sorry,” It was Namjoon who ended the stillness, voice sincere with emotion. Jeongguk looks over in surprise, just as easily tearing his gaze away from the TV. He didn’t expect Namjoon to apologise, considering how angry he seemed earlier. “I shouldn’t have lashed out on you like that without talking first.”

“You shouldn't have.” Jeongguk agrees. 

“Hyung, I’m not some kid. I’m fine, it was just a bit of fun, I’m sure it’s nothing you haven’t done before.” 

Namjoon heavily sighs, “I know, I don’t know why I act this way but I do.” 

“Taehyung told me about your old friend, Chaewon,” Namjoon whole demeanour tenses at the name. “I’m sorry what happened but, I’m not like her Hyung, I wouldn’t do the same.” 

“I know, I’m starting to accept that you’re no longer my small, innocent brother I need to protect like I used to. The last time we were this close, you were only a small, wide eyed kid, I guess I just struggled letting go.” Jeongguk can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips, remembering how close they used to be. Even though it’s no longer the same, he’s happy Namjoon considers themselves close again. He guiltily admits he liked the attention at first, basked in how Namjoon wanted to protect him, felt loved. He still does, but it’s become too much for Jeongguk to bear. 

“Taehyung’s a good kid that’s had bad stuff happen to him, I’ll try and lay off but just know, I’m here.” Namjoon continues, regarding Jeongguk with a knowing look that slightly scares the younger. Not once has he mentioned his inner turmoil to anyone. Jeongguk’s had girlfriends in the past, as childish as the relationships were, they were girlfriends nonetheless. So for Namjoon to read him like an open book scares him slightly. Does that mean Taehyung can read him too? Is he that blatantly obvious? 

“I know.” Despite his mind ticking with thoughts, he smiles a genuine smile, one that Namjoon reciprocates with the same energy.

They sit in comfortable silence, flicking through channels. They talk here and there, talking about Namjoons gig last night. It was peaceful. Jeongguk finally feels like he’s gotten through to his brother, built an understanding for each other. It’s peaceful. 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  


Jeongguk hasn’t heard from Taehyung since. It’s become somewhat of a pattern, though this time Jeongguk fears it's for good. Taehyung is all Jeongguk can think of, the man already occupied a majority of his thoughts, but this time it was like a tidal wave of endless emotions. He shouldn’t have reacted that way, knows he was in the wrong for provoking Taehyung to open up about something he clearly didn’t want to. Jeongguk cringes when he replays the events in his head, desperately wanting to apologise. He won’t reach out though, too afraid the elder will reject him if he tries. 

Even when their parents texted, as brief as it was, asking how they were, what they’ve been up to, the basics, Taehyung still took up the majority of Jeongguk’s thoughts. 

Jeongguk spent a good bulk of his time in the library, using his paper as an excuse for a distraction, hoping to concentrate on his assignment. He feels so overwhelmed by it all, his mind wanders too easily, replaying events that already happened, creating scenarios of what could have happened, ultimately overthinking it all. Somehow, he managed to complete it, handing it in somewhat satisfied. 

He's currently in a small coffee shop with Jimin, having not seen the latter for a while due to his paper, they’ve decided to meet up. The customers glance up as the doors swing open, heralded by a small gust of wind, even though it’s fairly warm, late afternoon sun shining bright. The interior of the cafe is highly modern, pure white paint glistening in the golden rays of the day. The customers return to their conversations as the door swings closed behind the new entrant and the small wind is forgotten. Jeongguk often comes to this cafe, enjoys how it’s within walking distance, hidden amongst overbearing buildings, towering above the small cafe. On first entry, you are greeted by the fresh aroma of coffee and baked goods, at the glass-fronted counter is an array of cream cakes and pastries. 

They’ve been there for a while now, peacefully sipping on drinks and stuffing their faces with pastries. Chatting about anything and everything, for the first time in a while, Jeongguk feels content, feels relaxed with his small Hyung. 

Like all good things, eventually have to come to an end. 

They’ve been chatting away for god knows how long, talking about Jeongguk's assignment, Jimin asking how he thinks he did before Jeongguk returns the questions and asks about his University work. It had taken hours upon hours, but he remembers looking back at his laptop screen with a triumphant grin. That essay was Jeongguk’s near death experience, but he was proud to officially be done with it.

He avoids telling Jimin about his never ending cycle of thoughts, the distraction that is Taehyung. Even though he hasn’t seen the latter since the party, Taehyung still remains stuck in his head. So he replies with a quick “Alright, think I could’ve done better.” Which is true, he could’ve, if it wasn’t for his mind and emotions betraying him. 

Ever since that conversation with Namjoon, the pair have been closer than ever, talking freely about their likes and dislikes, their concerns, (though Jeongguk would keep his biggest inner turmoil to himself, never bringing it up to his brother.) There have been times where Jeongguk almost slipped up, spilling his darkest secrets to Namjoon. Times when the pair were deep in conversation, reminiscing over their childhood and family. Jeongguk had explained how he deeply missed them, Namjoons tensed demeanour didn’t go unnoticed by the younger, Jeongguk chalks it up to him missing them too. But his features eventually turn soft as they talk about their parents, laughing about old memories. It’s times like these that Jeongguk thinks he could just tell Namjoon, when the latter looks so understanding, open up about his grief, itching to just  _ tell _ someone. 

But every time he opens his mouth, he snaps it closed seconds later in fear his brother will judge him, scared that Namjoons pretty face will morph into disgust. It’s not because Jeongguk, admittedly, now likes guys and he thinks his brother will judge him for that. Rather, it’s because Jeonnguk doesn’t like  _ guys _ , he likes one, said one being Namjoons close friend. Jeongguk wonders how he’ll react once he finds out. That’s what he’s mostly afraid of. 

They not long finished their coffee after Jeongguk was done drilling Jimin with questions, questions about his and Yoongi’s relationship. Jimin didn’t give much up though, he mostly blushed and dismissed it with curt answers. All Jeongguk could gather was that they are fucking, but the prominent blush that spreads to Jimin’s neck tells Jeongguk there’s more depth to it than them just having sex. They eventually moved on to a calmer subject, Jimin shared stories about the others, funny stories that had them both tumbling over and clutching their stomachs with laughter. If Jimin notices Jeongguk physically tense at the mentions of Taehyung's name, then he was polite enough not to mention it, Jeongguk was extremely grateful for that.

He left the elder to get two more drinks, leaving with tears in his eyes from straining with laughter, Jimin not looking too dissimilar himself. When he turned back, gone was the Jimin with soft, sweet features, replaced by a fearful frown. Jeongguk settles back beside him with his drink, confusion clear as he observes Jimin on the phone, grip clenched with, what Jeongguk guesses, anger. 

“He’s about to do what?” Jimin speaks through his teeth, jaw clenched. “Why me-,”

Jeongguk can vaguely hear someone screaming down the phone, he guesses it’s Seokjin from the high level of screeching. “I doubt he’ll listen to me, he shouldn’t be so fucking hot-headed.” 

“Fine.” He hangs up with a sigh, roughly shoving his phone in his pocket before facing Jeongguk guiltily. 

“We gotta go.”

“Is everything okay?” Jeongguk hesitantly asks, hates the sudden change of atmosphere.

“I’ll explain on the way.” Jimin answers whilst hastily getting up, grabbing his takeaway coffee with a thanks and grasping the younger by the wrist, dragging him to the car.

Jimin practically sped the whole way there, driving in determination. Jeongguk takes in Jimin’s foul expression, brows furrowed in aggravation and eyes unblinking as he concentrates on the road. Turns out Jimin never did explain where they were going or what was happening, Jeongguk just sat in tense silence as he allowed Jimin to click his tongue every now and then as if he’s rehearsing a conversation. 

They arrive back at the old street hidden in the forest, the smell of petrol and smoke already invading Jeongguk’s nostrils as soon as he steps out of the car. His face falls when remembering the events of the last time Jeongguk was here. Remembering the feeling of pure panic and fear. It looks a lot different in the daylight, doesn't look so scary with the old, destroyed buildings, fragments of its remains pushed to the side in order to make a path. A path filled with body’s once again. 

They eventually push past everyone and find Yoongi, Seokjin and Hoseok in the crowd, talking to a guy that looks very familiar, Dongwoo _ , Jeongguk thinks that’s his name.  _

The closer they get, the more Jeongguk realises that they’re not talking, they’re arguing. He can make out Yoongi’s signature scowl whilst he turns and walks away, not before flipping him off. Dongwoo merely scoffs before disappearing off to his group of friends. 

“What the fuck Yoongi?” Is the first thing Jimin says when they get close enough. “What happened?” You can detect the annoyance in his tone.

“Dongwoo,” Yoongi points in his general direction “Dongwoo is what happened.”

“I gathered,” Jimin scoffs, annoyed by Yoongi’s vague explanation. “But what did he do this time?” 

“That fucker purposely nudged me-“ 

Jimin’s groan loudly interrupts Yoongi, making him frown further in response. “Is that it? Seriously Hyung stop being-“

“Then he started to insult my height and racing,” he grunts, rotating around in the general direction Dongwoo walked in, eyeing him darkly. “Thinks he’s so fucking superior, so I’m racing.” 

Jimin clicks his tongue rather loudly, making it apparent he’s angry about the whole situation. “Would you just think straight for a second, you don’t have to race, there nothing to prove.” Jimin says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. To Jimin, it probably is. 

“You’re a good racer Hyung.” Jimin says the last part softly, face pleading. 

“You know Dongwoo can play dirty, it’s not worth it, Yoongi.” Seokjin steps in, speaking gently to Yoongi as if he was a scared child. 

Jeongguk zones out after that, he vaguely can see Yoongi storm off in the direction of the cars, shaking his head in earnest, not wanting to further this conversation. His mind is clouded with rage and determination to prove himself right. Jimin and Seokjin chase after him, their voices now incoherent as Jeongguk's focus is pulled elsewhere. There, not far from the cars, are thin, steps that have deteriorated over time. There’s a considerable amount of people lingering around the steps, taking refuge there to watch the race somewhat comfortably. He zones the hazzy chatter and zeros in on all of his problems. 

Amongst the crowd sits Taehyung. The latter isn’t alone, Jeongguk recognises one of his friends as Jackson, he was here last time if Jeongguk remembers correctly. His heart rate spikes when he sees the elder, remembering how gone he is for that olive skin and sculpted features, Taehyung’s wearing that bandana again. His face soon falls

when he notices a petite girl cushioned comfortably on Taehyung’s lap. 

Jeongguk would like to say he was past elementary emotions such as envy and jealousy, but the reality is the opposite. Jeongguk can’t help the small pang in his chest, but he supposes it’s for the best. He has no right to feel jealous, Jeongguk was in over his head if he thought there was any sentiment between them. He wondered if the continuous slivers of curiosity and thirst he saw in the younger’s features were really there or his brain simply showing him what he wished for.

Somehow, Taehyung finds his gaze past the mass of bodies, there’s a glint of guilt in his eyes before it swiftly changes into something more teasing, lips twisting into a knowing smirk. 

“You,” Jimin seethed the words, already marching towards Taehyung, pointing an accusing finger. Jeongguk follows close behind. 

“How are you just sitting here, allowing him to race while you just sit back and watch, did you even try to stop him? I thought you, out of all people, would understand why this is a bad idea.” Jimin yells and stops in front of the other hyung, getting close enough to look down at him with his arms folded, he looks like a disappointed parent. 

“I did.” Taehyung scoffs, amused. “He just doesn’t listen, Yoongi’s stubborn like that, so I decided to watch.” Jeongguk doesn’t miss the quick glances sent his way.

Jimin clicks his tongue, unfolding his arms before huffing. “That hot-head knows what Dongwoo is like, knows he plays dirty, knows where he comes from.” Jimin claps his hands over his face in frustration. “I just don’t understand him.” He speaks through his palms. 

The sound of engines spark everyone’s attention, the familiar footsteps from the women walking out in the middle of the road, dressed near to nothing, not leaving a lot for the imagination. 

They move back then, shouldering passed people in order to get to the front where Seokjin and Hoseok stand. Jimin may be lacking in size but he makes up for it in strength when determined.

Once passed, Jeongguk is able to take in the aligned vehicles, they are cars yet so different to anything you could buy at a local dealer. Engineered to be powerful and designed to look eye catching. The painted metal glistening in the sunlight. 

The hiss of the tyres over the smooth tarmac was lost under the cheering from the crowd. The race starts off fairly smoothly, Jeongguk intensely watches the rapid cars travel around the track, Jimin and Seokjin share his same concentration. He doesn’t even realise the shuffle of bodies, a new figure standing beside him until an arm grazes his. Jeongguk looks up to see Taehyung join them, though his gaze is fixed on the moving vehicles. 

_ He probably just wanted to be closer to the race. _ Jeongguk thinks.

Jeongguk can smell the burning rubber from the racing cars, can taste the exhaust filled air. All three cars are neck and neck. Dongwoo takes the outside, not allowing much room between the cars. Yoongi takes the middle, he’s coming close to the end, a few inches in front of the other when suddenly, Dongwoo heavily steers right, jostling Yoongi’s car, taking out the inside car and himself. The inside car collided with one of the buildings on the right, smashing the hood. Luckily the driver looks like he suffers few injuries when he steps out of his car. By this point, Yoongi’s car careened, the noise of mangled metal filled everyone’s ears followed by a gasp from the audience. Jeongguk can feel his heart drop, an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

Pieces of bodies and windshield breaks off as Yoongi collides with the building to the left. They don’t have time to realise Dongwoo reaches the end, everyone’s already running towards the scrap metal formerly known as Yoongi’s car. Taehyung gets there first, followed by himself, Jimin, Hoseok and then Seokjin. Yoongi practically falls out of his car, clutching his arm whilst his face crunches in pain. Yoongi groans as Taehyung and Hoseok drag him away from his vehicle, there was an explosion, a ball of flame and a fist of grey smoke coming from the hood of the car. 

“Fuck, Yoongi your arm!” Seokjin says, taking in the gashes and deep cuts aboding his left arm, tearing the thin material of his shirt. In the corner of Jeongguk’s eyes, he can see Dongwoo and his friends cheering, excited over his unfair win. Dongwoo glances over then, there's a glint of amusement in his eyes coupled with a smirk as he takes in his mess. 

Jeongguk sees red. 

Without even realising, Jeongguk’s already marching over the small space between himself and Dongwoo, rage clouding his vision from all rational thoughts. “What the fuck was that?” He seethes the words through his teeth, Jeongguk may be way out of his lead here but he doesn’t care. 

Only to make matters worse, Dongwoo’s amusement grows, eyes crinkling at the corners as if he genuinely finds the whole situation funny. Before Jeongguk can open his mouth, he’s pushed aside by a familiar figure, standing directly in front of him. “Dongwoo, you low life piece of shit.” It’s said with so much venom to his voice.

Dongwoo’s smile falls, frowning deeply at Taehyung's words, Jeongguk feels a great pleasure from the change of demeanour. They stand there in challenging silence for a while, staring intensely, fist clenched at their sides. 

“Taehyung!” The sound of Hoseok’s voice breaks the silence, though Taehyung remains unmoving. “It’s not worth it.” Jimin shouts. Taehyung grunts, sending Dongwoo one last venomous look before walking off, dragging Jeongguk in toe. 

Jeongguk pretends he doesn't hear the chuckle behind him. 

They’ve moved Yoongi away from the track, waking to their cars parked not far from here. Yoongi grunts and hisses the whole way, Hoseok and Seokjin clutch either side of his waist, guiding his steps.

“Taehyung, take Jeongguk home, we need to take Yoongi to the hospital.” Said boy grunts as if on cue. 

“Why me?” Jeongguk cringes at the immediate rejection he feels.

“There’s six of us, you do the math.” Hoseok says like it's the most obvious thing.

“Besides,” Hoseok continues. “Your car can barely fit even 4 of us in, Jimin’s can.” Taehyung merley grunts in response, followed by garbles of hushed complaints whilst walking towards his car.

“Get in.” The snarl in his voice knocks Jeongguk off kilter. Taehyung opens the passenger door for him, impatiently waiting for the younger to get in. Jeongguk wants to protest, would rather walk than be the burden Taehyung makes him out to be, but he doesn’t. Instead, Jeongguk sucks it up and gets in the car. Taehyung slams the door shut moments later and walks around to the driver's seat. 

The ride, like many others, was spent in awkward silence. Jeongguk can’t help that pang in his chest when remembering Taehyung blatantly rejecting him in front of the others. He tries to chalk it up to Taehyung wanting to be there for his friend but his emotions remain stubborn, not allowing him to think anything other than Taehyung not wanting to be with him. 

More often than not, Jeongguk is left so utterly confused by the elders intentions. One minutes he’s teasing Jeongguk to no end, turning him into a stuttering, blushing mess. The next minute Taehyung acts like this, blunt and cut off, leaving a bad taste in his mouth. He doesn’t miss the not so subtle glances sent his way, Jeongguk thinks he sees a glint of guilt in his eyes before it’s gone, replaced by a hard look. 

They arrive at his and Namjoons apartment, the latter currently at work. Jeongguk slides out the door, sending Taehyung a curt “Thanks,” before walking to their apartment complex. What he didn't expect however, was for Taehyung to mirror his movements and follow him up. 

“I’m more than capable of walking in by myself, you know.” He makes sure to keep his voice curt, not betraying any of the resentment that burns in his gut. Taehyung quirks an eyebrow at that, staring at him in a mixture of hurt and disbelief. Jeongguk feels guilty as soon as he takes in his expression.

“Sorry.” He mumbles.

“I’ll wait until Namjoon’s home, might as well be the one who tells him.” Jeongguk nods, not wanting to further protest. He swallows the anxiety building in the pit of his stomach at the idea of being alone with the elder. Once they enter the apartment, the two toe off their shoes before awkwardly settling on the couch. 

Jeongguk flicks through channels before putting on some random show that neither of them will watch, it’s merely a way to fill the unsettling silence. Jeongguk finds himself peering at the elder, admiring how his clothes fit him so perfectly as if they were made specifically to fuck with Jeongguks emotions. Quietly scanning the tattoos that decorate his bare, left arm, circling around the skin and up to his shoulders, continuing beneath his shirt, hiding the art that Jeongguk so desperately wants to see. 

Not that his eagerness to see didn’t go unnoticed. He glanced up to see Taehyung smirking over at him. “Have you finished staring?”

Jeongguk doesn’t think he’s ever blushed this hard in front of the elder, the heat spreads from the tip of his ears down to the bottom of his neck. He feels utterly embarrassed that he’s been caught so obviously ogling. 

“What do they mean?” He blurts. Jeongguk realises how vague that question is by Taehyung’s quirked eyebrow. 

“Your tattoos, what do they mean?” He repeats, this time much softer. 

“This,” Taehyung gestures towards the cherry blossoms that abode the majority of his arm, if Jeongguk looks closer, he can make out Roman numerals hidden amongst one of the flowers. “They were an impulsive decision I made when I was 17, I only got the one flower at first, it soon spread after I realised cherry blossoms symbolise the fleeting nature of life, how fast and quick everything is to fall to pieces.” Jeongguk watches as Taehyung traces the subtle pink flowers, the majority of the ink is black with a hint of selective pink colour. 

“Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect?,” Taehyung pauses his movements on one of the small butterflies, one with its wings closed and the other open. He looks up to Jeongguk in question, the latter shakes his head. “It’s the idea that small events can have a large, unpredictable influence on the future. It is sometimes said that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in one part of the world can cause a hurricane on the other side of the globe, hence the different stages of the butterfly flying.” 

“Oh,” Jeongguk’s eyes widened in awe. “That’s some deep shit right there.”

“Yeah, plus I used to love drawing cherry blossoms when I was younger.” 

“Wait, you drew these?” Jeongguk asks, shocked at the elders hidden talent. 

“Kind of, Yoongi’s uncle owns a tattoo parlour, which Yoongi now owns. His uncle was the one who did it but I was the one to sketch up the ideas, I added the butterflies when I learnt how to ink but I couldn’t reach around my arm so Yoongi added the rest.” 

“You’re a tattoo artist?” Jeongguk eyes widen at the realisation. 

“I thought that was pretty obvious?” Taehyung offers a smile, amused by the Younger. 

“Do you have any pictures I can see?” There’s silence between them, Taehyung eyes furrowing for a fraction of a second, deeply staring into Jeongguk’s eyes as if searching for something. He must’ve found it since his features relax. “Sure.” 

Taehyung can’t help but chuckle at Jeongguk’s sudden excitement, so he pulls his phone out, opening up his photos and scrolling to the latest ones of his tattoo. Jeongguk glances down at the screen, mouth agape as he takes in the pretty hues of red and greens that array over someone’s thigh, a variety of roses on one stem. He smiles whilst lingering a hand over the screen and zooming in, taking in more detail. “Wow.”

“It’s such a cliche tattoo I know, but it’s what she wanted so…”

“Taehyung,” he whispers, almost afraid using a louder voice will disturb the moment. “This is amazing,” Jeongguk can’t tear his gaze away from the phone, almost hypnotised but the black, red and green ink. “Seriously, I don’t think you understand how good you are, I could never create something like this.” Jeongguk chuckles, looking up to see if the elder is as amused as him. 

Instead, he is met with a heavy gaze, Taehyung's eyes are burning holes into him, the elder is so deliberate in his stare. Jeongguk instantly shies away, handing Taehyung back his phone. He notices Taehyung’s tattooed arm again, remembering the small black ink the elder didn’t mention.

“What about that one?” Jeongguk asks, reaching out to point at the Roman numerals but draws his hand back when he realises the intimacy. 

Jeongguk could visibly see the elder stiffen up, his demeanor changing into a nervous looking state. For a second, Jeongguk was confused, thinking he overstepped some boundary he hadn’t noticed. “I’m sorry I-“

“No it’s fine.” Taehyung shakes his head, looking everywhere but at Jeongguk before sighing. “It's the date a lot of things changed for me,” he seems hesitant, obviously not wanting to open up. “The date my mum died.” Taehyung finished with a sad smile. It made Jeongguk ache for him, he can see pain in those eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” Taehyung just waves him off, trying to defuse the sudden awkwardness that spread, but it does nothing to lighten Jeongguk’s guilt. Taehyung takes the silence as an opportunity to light a cigarette. He takes in a long drag, only exhaling to breath. Since Jeongguk has known him, Taehyung has always had a cigarette between his lips. He wouldn’t say he’s a heavy smoker, but a smoker all the same. For some reason, it entrances him, surprisingly matching Taehyung’s persona, yet he hates how much it bothers him. It bothers him so much because Taehyung looks too good to be human and when he smokes, there’s something about it that excites him. When really, he should be discussed but the bad habit. 

“You know you can’t smoke in here.” Without realising, Jeongguk reaches out, attempting to pry the cigarette from his lips, but it only serves to make Taehyung chuckle, easily dodging the attack. 

Jeongguk sits up, still reaching out for Taehyung who bats determined hands away. The elder yanks the cigarette away from his lips, holding it in his left hand whilst his right grips Jeongguk’s, and hard. The force launches Jeongguk forwards, sucking in air as he lands in the elders lap. 

Something Jeongguk picks up on from inhabiting this newfound territory, is that Taehyung smells really nice, the smell of nicotine aside. Jeongguk’s not sure if it's a natural scent or cologne, but the essence serves as a mild sedative for his racing heart. Taehyung’s hold never loosens on his wrist as he brings the cigarette back towards his lips, puffing a gush of smoke in Jeongguk’s face. From this proximity, he’s able to admire the dips and curves of all Taehyung features, admiring the tiny mole that adorns the tip of his bottom lip and end of his nose. 

Jeongguk’s so immersed in staring that he doesn’t realise the hand on his wrist disappears, giving him full leeway to move from the elders lap. He doesn’t. Taehyung’s thumb and index finger trails up to display the cigarette to him. He quirks his eyebrow for permission which is rewarded with a slow nod from Jeongguk. 

That seems to be all the permission the elder needs since Taehyung’s freehand trails up to Jeongguk’s lips, prying them apart before hovering the almost finished cigarette in front of him. 

“Suck.” Taehyung's eyes sparkle playfully as he parts his lips.

Jeongguk’s breath hitches in his throat as a jolt of excitement courses through him. He doesn’t get much time to ponder over the implications behind these words since the cigarette bud comes into contact with his lips. Jeongguk does as told and inhales the nicotine, feeling how the smoke burns the back of his throat. Just as Jeongguk goes to exhale, the elder cups the back of his neck and presses their lips together passionately. The intoxicating smoke billows from his mouth and flows generously into Taehyung’s. 

Jeongguk doesn’t get much time to relish the kiss since he pulls back to cough, the smoke becoming too much for his lungs to take. He feels the familiar heat of a blush rising. “What-“

Taehyung leans in swiftly, effortlessly as his lips press into Jeongguk’s with a fierceness that leaves him gasping. The cigarette slips from his hand, extinguishing itself on the ground with a small hiss. Taehyung’s thumb comes up to caress his cheek, greed and hunger taking over Jeongguk’s body as he presses back with as much need. Eyes closed, tilting his head and adding more delicious pressure to their mouths, lips sliding and slipping over each other in a clumsy haste. Taehyung squeezes his shoulders, inflicting a gasp out of the younger. Taehyung’s tongue takes advantage and slips inside, dancing with his own. It’s come to Jeongguk’s attention that a man holds so much more intensity than a woman, or maybe that’s a characteristic for Taehyung. Jeongguk has only ever kissed a female, each touch from them being gentle giving him control each time, but here, Taehyung takes full control. Jeongguk submits and becomes putty in his hold. 

Jeongguk is so grateful he’s taken comfort on Taehyung's lap since the feeling of the elders' soft, plump lips somehow directly connects to the bones in his legs and turns them to jelly. The gears in his brain malfunction and all he can process is the fluttering of his heart. He finally is fulfilling the longing he so desperately desires, didn’t realise how badly he needed this until now. Taehyung's tongue continues to slide against his, making Jeongguk moan at the force, fingers tangling into dark locks and tug. He feels so utterly content in the elders lap yet so dizzy at the same time, the only thing keeping him grounded is Taehyung’s lips. 

Taehyung pulls back, for a fleeting second Jeongguk is afraid he’s about to pull away, he’s about to let out an involuntary whine of protest when he feels the hot pressure of hungry lips on his throat, causing the complaint to die in his mouth. Jeongguk sucks in a breath of air as Taehyung nips and bites his neck, pulling his body closer to get more access. “T-Tae-“ Jeongguk moans as the elder slips his hand up his thin shirt, trailing his fingers up his back and tugging him forward. The hot pressure builds in his lower stomach. His eyes practically roll back as Taehyung makes a noise when he plants open mouth kisses to his collarbone, hands now trailing down to his thighs and squeeze. 

Jeongguk breathes heavily as Taehyung’s grip tightens, forcing Jeongguk to roll his hips slowly in tune with his. 

Then his hands are suddenly pushing rather than pulling, Jeongguk landing on the couch beside the elder. For a split second, his heart drops, thinking the elder regrets everything they just shared when he hears the sound of the door unlocking. It’s then that he registers his brother finished work and has just now come home. 

Namjoons presence is enough to kill his boner. 

Jeongguk tries to compose himself, moving to the far corner of the couch. Namjoon blinks at them before narrowing his eyes on the burnt out cigarette on the wooden floor. 

“I swear Kim Taehyung, you’re gonna be the death of me.” He sighs light heartedly, earning a small chuckle from Taehyung. A few moments past where they all still, no one daring to move. 

“Hyung, uh…” In order to prevent his brother from eyeing them funnily Mx Jeongguk begins to speak, attempting to draw his attention away from himself and Taehyung. “Yoongi-“

“I know, Seokjin called and filled me in.” Namjoon moves on accord, leaning down to pick up the remains of their burnt out cigarette. Jeongguk mentally sighs in relief.

“Oh.” Jeongguk states, looking down at his hands, twirling his fingers in his lap. 

“Are you guys okay?” Namjoon asks after throwing the drag away, eyeing Jeongguk curiously as he takes in the uncomfortable atmosphere. 

“We’re fine,” Taehyung answers before he can open his mouth, offering Jeongguk a reserved look that only they share. Namjoon nods, presenting them with a sweet smile.

“Is Yoongi okay?” Jeongguk asks with a fearful look, even though he hasn’t spent much time with Yoongi, he’s one of Namjoons and Taehyung's close friends. His heart aches for them at the anxiety they probably are going through. 

“Hyung said it’s just a small fracture on his arm, he suffers minor injuries. Just a few cuts here and there but nothing serious. He’ll be fine.” Namjoon says with a smile, relief fills Jeongguk’s body at the news. 

“I thought I was supposed to be the irrational one.” Taehyung offers a chuckle, hiding his relief with a joke. It earns a laugh from Namjoon. 

“I’ll leave you two to it.” Taehyung announces as he prys himself from the couch. “Thanks Tae,” the latter stops mid step to regard Namjoon with an apprehensive look. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Namjoon rolls his eyes. “Just, thanks for taking him home.” Taehyung smirks knowingly at the elder before patting him on the shoulder and walking towards the door. 

He looks back at Jeongguk, his eyes staring into hazel ones. “Anytime.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH!  
> I hope you liked this chapter, I’ve been looking forward to writing it ever since I came up with the idea. I myself have a strange attraction to guys smoking, yet I know it’s a bad habit and wouldn’t want my partner to smoke. ;n;
> 
> But this was such a cool first kiss! I couldn’t help myself. I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did!  
> I read once that kudos and comments keep an author alive, I can’t help but agree with how true that statement is.  
> So thank you guys for the nice comments and for those who’ve taken their time to read this, I really appreciate it. ;n; x
> 
> Also, my Twitter is here if anyone wants to talk and wants updates. :D x  
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The atmosphere suddenly changes, there's a few incoherent shouts in the distance, pounding footsteps nearing them, the music coming to a complete stop. Jeongguk drops his can with a loud rattle, echoing in the hallow room. A few of them cuss before sprinting off, Taehyung grasps hold of Jeongguk arm as he follows their lead. Heart pounding at the thought of being caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guy, long time no see!  
> Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I needed a small break from writing and decided to edit instead. ;n;  
> If you haven’t already noticed, I’ve posted a trailer up on the first chapter for this series. I recommend checking it out if you’re curious, it’d be appreciated. :)  
> But anyway, back to this chapter. Heads up, there’s smut at the end, if you don’t want to read it then i’d skip until you see the three stars, “***“  
> Hope the wait was worth it, enjoy! :D

Jeongguk hates hospitals. 

He had always perceived hospitals as beneficent places of caring and compassion, places to recover and be doted upon by dedicated professionals. But ever since his grandma passed away in said hospital, he’s hated them, hates how it now reminds him of loss, hates how the corridors now feel stuffy and overwhelming. The once commercial prints on the wall that used to be tasteful in the dull kind of way, now seem like insipid cheap prints, so lacking in vibrant that they appear sun-bleached. 

What he used to view as a safe haven, a place to heal and improve, now tainted by bad memories. So when Namjoon offered Jeongguk to come with him to visit Yoongi, he had to refuse. The latter was only in the hospital for a few hours, getting x-rayed then bandaged up, the usual procedure for a broken arm, so Jeongguk didn’t need to be there. He felt guilty at first but Namjoon was quick to reassure him that Yoongi wouldn’t mind. That wasn’t the only reason Jeongguk refused, he didn’t want to go in fear of seeing Taehyung. He wanted to avoid the building tension between the two, too scared the elder would reject him, telling him it was a mistake so Jeongguk steered clear from him. 

It had become an endless game of avoidance ever since that night. Jeongguk was determined not to cross paths with the elder, using his school work as a viable excuse to not socialise where Taehyung potentially could be. He confirms his fears when Taehyung hadn’t reached out, not a single text from the elder. Jeongguk knows Taehyung’s more than the scowling bad boy he makes himself out to be. So for him to go back to ignoring the younger frustrates Jeongguk. He’s almost certain Taehyung regrets it, got what he wanted and left. Or worse, he pitied the younger which is why he did what he did. Jeongguk hasn’t spilled the contents of his turmoil to a living soul and he doesn’t plan to anytime soon.

It’s like a constant game of tug of war between the two, Jeongguk’s mind is so boggled with mixed emotions. One minute he thinks there’s a glint of admiration in his eyes, some hidden emotion unknown to Jeongguk. The next the elder disappears, acts distant and reserved, putting up a dark facade. He knows okay, knows that he means nothing more to Taehyung than something new and shiny, a means of entertainment for a short while until he gets bored and moves on. 

Jeongguk tries to mask his emotions with heartfelt smiles and genuine laughs, attempting to will away his troubles by immersing himself amongst his friends. It works for the most part, but there’s times when Jeongguk feels like the others can see straight through his demeanour, past all his carefree facade, straight to the inner workings of his brain, reading him like an open book. 

There’s times when Jeongguk strongly believes the others give him knowing looks, Yoongi being the worst for that trait out of them all. Jeongguk wouldn’t put it past Taehyung to have told his best friend, wouldn’t blame him either. There's times when Jeongguk just wants to get it off his chest, explode all his emotions he’s been keeping bottled up, but every time he falters, too scared to be judged. He knows his excuses of coursework can only buy so much time before he visits the others. The irony is, Jeongguk actually does have courseworse, that part wasn’t a lie. However, it doesn’t require all the time he’s making it out he needs. But he could do with the help of Seokjin and his brother, the two intellectual geniuses would aid him in getting this finished quicker, that on top of getting a better grade.

Which is why he’s over theirs now, the pair offering to help. At first Jeongguk felt guilty, felt like he was only using them for their brains which isn’t the case at all, he genuinely enjoys their company, craves it even. So in the end he refused their help, opting to do it on his own, only going to the others if their help was desperately needed. Seokjin invited him round regardless, saying himself and Namjoon could come round for drinks. Jeongguk hesitated at first, was sceptical about Taehyung being there, but after pondering over everything, he decides it's time they confronted each other. 

In the end Taehyung never showed up, why? Jeongguk doesn’t know, nor will he ask. Instead the only extra person is Yoongi, said person is currently situated along one of the couches, Jeongguk opted for the floor so he’s out of the way. Seokjin and Namjoon left a few minutes ago to get drinks, leaving himself and Yoongi alone.

It’s awkward for a while, Yoongi half lays on the couch, gaze fixed on his phone while Jeongguk pretends he’s absorbed by the TV. Hoseok is currently working whilst Jimin not long ago came home from work. The latter entered the apartment with slow steps, looking tired and miserable but soon freezed upon noticing his surroundings. His frightened look barely lingered for a second before he straightened up and greeted everyone, sending them forced smiles. Yoongi was cut off mid greeting Jimin before he fled to his room, making some feasible excuse about being exhausted and needing sleep, though he’s not fooling anyone. Jeongguk may not know the extent to Jimin’s and Yoongi’s relationship, but he’s not ignorant to notice the tension between the two. Jimin is so blatantly obvious in how he ignores the older that Jeongguk could laugh.

But he doesn’t, the thing stopping him from doing so is Jimin’s desolated expression, reminding Jeongguk how upset his small hyung must be. By the seams of it, the two haven’t spoken, Jeongguk can tell by Yoongi sporting an equally miserable expression whenever Jimin is mentioned. Over the past month or so, Jeongguk would consider Jimin a close friend, so to see the latter upset makes Jeongguk’s heart ache for him.

Jeongguk knows that he should just leave things be but worry gnaws at him, he sits chewing on his lower lip before finally turning to Yoongi. 

“Hyung.” 

Yoongi hums to show he’s listening, though his gaze doesn’t falter away from his phone. “Are you and Jimin okay?” Yoongi instantly pales when the words leave Jeongguk’s mouth, his thumbs vigorously tapping on his screen coming to a halt. 

“What makes you ask that?” Yoongi asks after skillfully keeping his emotions in check, any sign of fear gone from his features, replaced by false calmness. Though he’s not fooling anyone, Jeongguk can still detect the hurt in his sad eyes. 

“I don’t know…” Jeongguk attempts to make eye contact with the elder, expecting him to regard Jeongguk with a death stare, but after listening to his calm tone, Jeongguk no longer fears the elder is annoyed at him. “You both seem so sad, I just wanted to ask if you’re okay I guess.”

He realises he doesn’t know where he was going with that conversation, doesn’t even know what he was going to get out of it. Jeongguk supposes curiosity got the better of him, he doesn’t like seeing both his hyungs moping around. He originally perceived Yoongi as a bit of an enigma, both him and Taehyung sharing that same characteristic. But he’s come to realise how much Yoongi cares for his friends, he sees the way Yoongi regards Taehyung with so much concern and affection, much like how Namjoon does with him. He especially cares for Jimin, Jeongguk doesn’t miss Yoongi’s enamoured looks towards his other small hyung, how they linger much longer than can be deemed just friendly love. 

“We’re fine, kid.” Yoongi finishes with a sad smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes. Jeongguk knows the conversation is over, as brief as it was. A part of him wants to ask more, knows that they’re clearly not fine. But even if he wanted to continue the conversation, he couldn’t, the moment Is broken with the sound of a door opening. 

“Who died?” Is the first thing Seokjin asks when he steps inside the apartment, toeing off his shoes whilst sensing the somber atmosphere. Yoongi merely snorts in response, waving his good hand in a dismissive manner before finding interest in his phone once again. 

It’s a bit later, when everyone has settled around the TV, program forgotten in favour of sharing 

stories, that Yoongi spikes Jeongguk interests.

For the first few minutes Jeongguk was listening intently to the others' stories, him sharing a few funny ones of his own as well. But at the mention of Taehyung's name, his mind started wandering to said boy, overthinking everything once again that he zoned out. 

Yoongi was telling some story about Namjoon breaking his favourite vinyl, the latter protesting it was broken before he even touched it. This soon became the topic of interest, both Yoongi and Seokjin distributing their experiences with the god of destruction, a name Jeongguk soon realises Namjoon earned after constantly breaking everything in his path.

“I don’t know how I’m gonna cope with you for four days.” Seokjin playfully exclaimes, earning a small chuckled from Yoongi and a pout from Namjoon.

“Eat shit guys.” Namjoon continues to pout, offended. It’s then that Jeongguk registers what Seokjin implied.

“Where are you guys going for four days?” Jeongguk pipes up, confusion clear in his expression, one eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other, lips pushed out in thought. His question earns everyone’s attention, Seokjin sharing the same confused expression. Jeongguk doesn’t remember Namjoon mentioning anything about leaving. 

“Have you not told him?” Yoongi questions, frowning deeply in disbelief. 

“Shit Guk, I kind of just… forgot.” Namjoon says whilst scratching behind his ear guiltily, earning an eye roll from Seokjin. “There was an opening at this club, a gig quite far from here. Yoongi was originally supposed to go with me and Hoseok,” he turns to Yoongi then, said boy scowling deeply. “But the fucker had to go and break his arm so Seokjin’s now joining us. I’ll be performing for two nights, so we’ll be staying up there for the weekend.” Seokjin proceeds to nod along.

“Plus it gives me an excuse to visit my grand parents, I haven’t been to Busan in a while.” 

“Busan! That’s like three hours away.” Jeongguk remarks, not envying the long drive.

“Which is why we’ll be leaving on Friday.” Seokjin says with an amused smile. 

“I was thinking,” Namjoon suddenly says after a few beats of silence. “You could come along, we’d go after your lectures of course.” Jeongguk can’t help but grin at that, gleaming with joy. He’s so utterly happy his hyungs want him to join them, feeling like he’s a part of the group. 

However, his few seconds of happiness is short-lived, remembering all of his responsibilities he has here. “I can’t,” there’s disappointment evident in his voice, gaze downcasted. 

“I have coursework to finish, plus I have lectures on Monday.” Jeongguk says with a pout, swirling his fingers around in his lap. 

“It’s okay, we get it.” Seokjin says, lips twisting in a regretful smile. He saunters over with drinks in hand, tossing everyone a can before slumping on top of Yoongi’s legs, earning a few hushed curses and grumbles from the latter in protest. 

“Will you be alright on your own Guk?” Namjoon queries, looking at the youngest with slight concern. 

“Hyung I’ll be fine.” He rolls his eyes, but can’t help the tug on the side of his lips at his brother's antics. 

“Jeongguk can always come round here if he’s bored, I’ll be home.” They all jump at the sudden voice, not expecting Jimin to emerge out of his room. Everyone stares at the small pink haired boy in shock, said boy lingering in the door whilst regarding them all in confusion. Before Jeongguk can even accept the offer, Seokjin starts to speak.

“I thought you were sleeping.” Seokjin remarks, sending his cousin a knowing look. Jimin gasps in realisation before scrabbling back in his room, earning an amused chuckle from the others. Even Yoongi couldn’t resist smiling at Jimin’s cuteness. 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


The Friday in question rolls around fairly quick, much like each day has for Jeongguk. He drifted through the rest of his week, practically counting each day since he last saw Taehyung, rather than living in the moment.

Coffee shops are usually such happy places, friends meet and laugh together, shovelling food into their mouths with fervor as they share stories and joke around. The coffee and food is often too expensive for what it is but University students flock there nonetheless. That’s where Jeongguk finds himself during free periods, attempting to get as much as his coursework done as possible, striving to get it completed. He sits frozen in a sea of chaos and noise, his coffee long forgotten and cold in favour of typing viciously on his keyboard. Before he knows it an hour has passed, then another, and another. By the time he packs up, it's late, now having to leave for his next lecture. He purposely comes home late in order to avoid his brothers knowing looks. Jeongguk has been sceptical of Namjoon, steering clear from him voicing his concerns, though it’s inevitable, he’ll have to face him eventually. Luckily Namjoon only suspects he’s stressed from overworking himself. Jeongguk still avoids spilling the context of his inner turmoil to his brother, somewhere in his insecure mind, he realises voicing the kiss will make it real. 

He left that Friday morning, not before continuously fretting if Jeongguk would be okay by himself, earning an eye roll, not only from himself, but from Seokjin and Hoseok as well. He eventually gave in after Jeongguk sternly insisted he’ll be fine. As soon as his final lecture finished, Jeongguk rushed to Jimin’s, not wanting to be left to his own devices and alone with his thoughts. 

“Can you hear that?” Jimin suddenly asks, looking around to find the culprit of the noise Jeongguk can’t discern. The only sound he can make out is the soft hum coming from the TV are their gentle breathing. The pair are situated on the couch, backs rested on either side, legs intertwined. They’ve been sitting peacefully for a while now, both basking in the quiet. There’s unspoken despair between the two, both appearing absent as they daze at the TV. 

“Hear what?” He continues to look around, straining his ears to hear any unusual noise, but to no avail. 

“Silence.” Jimin answers, spreading his fingers out in front of himself in an amazed gesture, earning a snort and a soft kick from Jeongguk. Jimin chuckles at his own foolishness. 

“It’s crazy how quiet it is without the others,” Jimin continues after the laughter dies down, a morbid expression twisting on his pretty features. “I’d never tell them this, but I kind of miss them.” Jeongguk huffs and gently kicks the other again, playfully pouting. Jimin quirks an eyebrow before rolling his eyes. “Obviously I love your company Guk, I just…” he trails off, frowning at the end of his sentence in thought.

“You miss Yoongi.” Jeongguk finishes for him. He can tell he hit the nail on the head by the pink blush that adorns Jimin’s features. The latter chews his plump lips whilst ignoring Jeongguk’s suspectful look. An exaggerated sigh leaves Jimin’s mouth, said boy sitting and looking at the younger in seriousness. Jeongguk mimics his movements, providing Jimin with his full attention. 

“I like him.” Jimin licks his lips, keeping his eyes locked on Jeongguk as he spills his sentiment. He looks like a scared child, biting his lips in waiting, presumably for Jeongguk’s reaction. Rather than voicing that he already knew, could tell by the way Jimin practically glows around the other, Jeongguk offers a smile, one that puts Jimin at ease. 

“I’m mad at him too.” He continues, his exasperated glower returning with his eyes trained at nothing in particular. 

“Because of the race?” Jimin hums in agreement, the lines on his forehead deepen at the reminder, confirming Jeongguk’s suspicions. Jimin was so mad at Yoongi that day, he remembers his hyung practically breathing fire as he stormed over to Yoongi, the latter actively ignoring him in favour of his ego to prove himself right. In the end Jimin was the one who was right, Jeongguk could only picture his frustration.

“But it’s more than that,” Jimin leans back on the sofa, looking away for a brief moment before returning with confidence. “I like him, but when we agreed to start sleeping together, we promised each other feelings wouldn’t get involved. We didn’t want it to ruin our friendship.” 

That made no sense, surely sleeping together would ruin their friendship anway, right? The idea brought on a fit of doubt in Jeongguk, who was now sitting up and at full attention. “Hyung, that’s so stupid.” 

“I know.” Jimin chuckles dejectedly, eyeing Jeongguk sadly, making the latter regret calling him that.

“I’m sorry, Hyung you’re not stupid, you-“

“No, no, it’s fine, it was stupid,” Jimin eyes ttempts a reassuring smile, but Jeongguk can see straight through him. Gone were the soft lines and warm eyes, the loving smiles and light laughter. Instead he looks emotionally drained, frustrated and overwhelmed by his feelings. It’s like that dream everyone claims they’ve had at least once in their life, the one where you’re screaming for help, aching to be heard. But no sound comes out, it’s like your vocal cords have been ripped straight out of you, leaving you with no one to turn to, no one to help you escape from drowning in a mass of thoughts. A feeling Jeongguk knows all too well. 

“We both said it was a way to destress, fuck the pent up emotions out of each other.” Jeongguk can’t help but twist his face in mortification at Jimin’s crude phrasing. “I only agreed because I was weak, I’ve liked him since we were little, when Seokjin first introduced him as his new friend.” Jimin eyes twinkled with enamour, reminiscing over old memories.

“Have you told him any of this?” Jimin snaps his head up, looking almost offended that Jeongguk would suggest that. He vigorously shakes his head, frowning deeply at the idea. 

“Of course not, he’d reject me in seconds,” Jimin’s face morphs into despair once again, it makes Jeongguk long for the soft, comical hyung he’s used to. “I don’t want to put myself through that.”

“How do you know he’ll reject you?” 

“Because he was the one to make it clear that he doesn’t want to get feelings involved.” Jimin sighs in exasperation, aggressively rubbing his face before launching forward, his head now resting in Jeongguk’s lap with his feet dangling over the edge of the couch. Jeongguk laces his fingers in pink hair, playing with each strand and tugging on a few knots. Jimin hums in contentment, closing his eyes automatically in relaxation.

“You know you need to talk to him, you’re only hurting yourself by ignoring your feelings. If he rejects you, then so be it, at least you’d know.” Jeongguk says whilst continuing his ministrations, soothing his friend into ease. He highly doubts Yoongi would reject him, his other hyung looks so dejected when Jimin ignores him, looking like a kicked puppy. Jeongguk never thought he’d see that hard exterior break into something so soft. “Yoongi could be feeling the same way, but you got to talk to each other in order to find out.”

“I know.” Jimin’s deep sigh hangs audible in the air, eyes remaining closed. They stay like that for a while, lingering on the feeling of peacefulness within each other’s company. 

“What about you?” Jimin softly speaks, popping his eyes open to look up at the younger from an upside down angle. 

“What about me?” 

“You seem off…” he regards Jeongguk with a curious look, creasing his forehead whilst searching his eyes. Images of Taehyung’s soft lips, panting delicately against his own ragged breath and the feel of muscular thighs beneath him rise unbidden to his mind. Suddenly all his troubles come back to mind, recollecting everything that's happened. Taehyung doesn’t seem bothered by what happened between them and Jeongguk knows that it’s idiotic for him to be hurt by the elders indifference, Jeongguk isn’t exactly innocent himself, he’s been avoiding Taehyung just as much. 

It’s at this moment Jeongguk opens his mouth. It’s looking at Jimin’s concerned look that makes him want to spill the content of his current musings, just ready to tell someone, get all his pent up frustration off his chest. But the words die out on his tongue, he thinks better of himself, too scared it'll become real if he voices it outloud. 

“How did you know you were gay?” He settles for instead. Jeongguk soon realises his mistake after the words leave his mouth, can tell by the way Jimin catapults up and out of his lap.

Jeongguk fucked up. 

“Jeongguk,” Jimin hesitates, lacing his voice in gloss, speaking softly as if Jeongguk is a scared child. “Are you gay?’

Silence.

“No? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being gay,” He quickly corrects himself. “But I don’t think I am?” He asks as if Jimin would know the answer when in reality, Jeongguk is the only one who can answer his own question. “I mean I like men, but I think I still like women?” He rambles, panic evident in the way his breathing increases. 

“Hey, hey,” Jimin hushes him, placing a soothing hand on his knee as he examines his features. Jeongguk is a mess it seems, breathing ragged from hyperventilating. 

“I,” Jeongguk clears his throat after his voice comes out brittler than he intended, his usual soft and bright tone gone. It sounds so weak now, cracking when Jeongguk attempts to get the confession out. Tear the band-aid off, he figures. “I think- No, I know I like guys.” His eyes drop to his knee, the same one with Jimin’s hand rubbing reassuring circles almost hypnotizingly. 

“Guk,” when looking up, Jeongguk expected to be greeted with judgment. But this is Jimin, the same person who’s his friend, who’s all laughs and smiles, the same person who’s playful and always knows what to say. Instead he’s met with a softer presence, his earlier confusion transforming accordingly. “There’s nothing wrong with liking men, you can like both genders at the same time.”

“I know, it’s just, I’ve never– ” Jeongguk cuts himself off sharply, biting his tongue before forcing himself to continue. “I’m just scared.” He heaves out a sigh, sinking back into the cushions, staring at his hands to distract himself. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that either, it’s normal to be scared.”

“But I didn’t even know I was into men, Jimin,” there’s a sting of tears threatening the corner of his eyes, clouding his vision. He swallows the building lump in his throat, refusing to let it slip. He feels slightly pathetic, almost crying over this. He’s not upset about his sexuality, It’s the length of time it took for him to understand it. The fact that Taehyung was the one to make him open up and see it so plainly, drawing Jeongguk in only to kiss him then leave him reeling and questioning everything. He’s upset that he feels so alone in this. 

“I-I just don’t know how- if I should- what would Namjoon think? You can’t tell my brother-“

“Enough.” Jimin squeezes his knee to stop the younger, forcing him to meet his gaze. “Breath.” Jimin pulls him closer by his shoulders, hugging him tightly. Thankfully, Jeongguk swallows hard before nodding, alleviated by the soft touch in his knee. “People change all the time, sometimes it takes people longer than others, it’s normal.” He pulls Jeongguk even closer, the younger resting his head on Jimin’s shoulder, breathing in deeply as he listens to Jimin’s reassuring voice. “There’s nothing wrong with liking men, you’re still the same person, Guk, so don’t think any differently.”

“You can tell people in your own time, there’s no rush.” Jeongguk closes his eyes for the first time, relishing in the sudden relaxation he feels. 

“Thank you, Hyung.” Jeongguk shakely answers. Snuggling in closer to the elder, Jimin now being the one to lace his fingers in Jeongguk hair. They remain like that for a while, basking in each other's warmth. 

For the first time that night, amongst any other worrisome nights, Jeongguk slept peacefully. He still has a lot to figure out, a lot to get off his chest, but it’s a start. It’s like a small weight has been lifted from his shoulders, as cliche as that sounds, it’s true. Jeongguk finally understands the feeling. He sleeps knowing Jimin understands. That no matter what he’ll be there when he needs him. Jeongguk can’t pinpoint when he got so lucky to have friends like him and the others in his life. 

It’s the next day when everything starts to spiral downhill. Neither Jimin or Jeongguk have spoken of their issues since, but there’s ease that settles over them, both having said what was needed at the time to make their chests lighter. 

Jeongguk has spent the majority of his day catching up on coursework. Jimin tried helping at one point, offering his little to none knowledge about his course, even though the elder had his own university work to complete. It took them a whole 7 minutes for the elder to give up and distract Jeongguk instead, annoying him until he surrendered. With a victory bark, the elder drags Jeongguk away from Jimin’s computer, (Jeongguk borrowed it since he left his at home.) They end up ordering take out, the pair being too lazy to cook on a Saturday night, and binge watch death note for the 100th time. It’s at the beginning when Light first discovers Ryuk's death note that there’s a loud crash behind the door, startling the pair apart. 

The crash is then followed by a few heavy knocks, both Jeongguk and Jimin look at each other in question, not expecting anyone over. It couldn’t be Hoseok, he’s on the trip with both Namjoon and Seokjin, which only leaves two other potential culprits. 

“Hey midget, open up.” Jeongguk fears are confirmed, that’s definitely Taehyung’s deep voice. Jimin doesn’t have time to notice Jeongguk stiffen since he’s leaping off the couch with a scoff, dodging his furniture to open the door. Jimin’s excitement soon morphs into fear, not looking too dissimilar to Jeongguk’s expression. Because there, in the doorway, stands Taehyung. His hand clutching a distant looking Yoongi. 

“Jimin.” Yoongi breaths, practically hurdling into Jimin, said boy catches the elder on reflex. Yoongi buries himself in Jimin’s arms, clutching him close and tucking his head in his neck.

“What-“

“He kept moping around.” Taehyung interjects, leaning on the doorway. Being up close and in Yoongi’s space, Jimin’s able to detect the smell of alcohol, the stench punching him in the face.

“Is he drunk?” Jimin says, scrunching his face up in disgust, but it doesn’t stop him from latching onto Yoongi. Stopping him from swaying and tumbling flat on his face. 

Taehyung hums with a nod of his head. “I came back to the apartment to find him drunk and sulking, begging me to take him to you.” Yoongi cuddles him closer, an iron grip on the other as if scared to let him go. Jeongguk’s never seen Yoongi so soft and small. He supposes that’s what happens when you’re drunk, all walls knocking down. “He just wouldn’t leave me alone so I drove him here, he’s your problem now.” 

“‘M sorry.” Yoongi slurs, the words coming out muffled since he doesn’t shift away from Jimin’s neck. 

“Why do I have to look after him?” Jimin says as he leads Yoongi to the single couch facing the TV, settling the elder down whilst he leans on the arm of the chair. 

“Because he’ll just be in a shit mood if I take him home and I’d have to deal with his depressing ass.” Jimin scoffs, but it doesn’t stop him from intertwining his finger in the elders hair, brushing the soft strand and freeing the other's sweat drenched skin from his sticking damp hair. “Besides, you two need to talk, he can stay here for the night.” 

“He can’t, Jeongguk’s stay-“

“It’s fine,” Jeongguk smiles, interjecting before his hyung can protest. “I should go back anyway, got shit to do.” He doesn’t, they both know it’s an excuse but the two boys need this. 

“You don’t have to go.” Jeongguk simply shakes his head, standing up and stretching his sore muscles, the joints popping audibly in the silent room. He advances towards the other.

“This’ll be good, hyung.” Jeongguk whispers, glancing between the two with a reassuring smile. He frigid Jimin’s forehead for good measure. “See you later.” 

Jimin firmly nods once, already standing to face the intoxicated hyung. Jeongguk proceeds to the door, can hear a few grunts of protest over his shoulder from Yoongi being forced to stand. Jeongguk turns back, a chuckle involuntarily leaves his mouth, watching as Jimin attempts to haul Yoongi up, tugging on his arm but eventually giving up when he doesn’t budge. It’s when Jeongguk looks back that he realises he’s face to face with all his problems. 

Taehyung remains leaning against the wall, staring straight at Jeongguk, making the latter stop dead in his tracks. He tries to keep his breathing in check, willing away any signs to suggest his sudden anxiety. They continue to stare at each other, Jeongguk studies his expression, hoping he’ll give away what he’s feeling. But he finds nothing, Taehyung remains emotionless, face blank. It only raises Jeongguk’s worry. 

After a few beats, Jeongguk mentally shakes himself and makes his way to the door. He stops when he’s only a few inches away, the elder not budging from where he stands, not allowing Jeongguk to pass without him having to squeeze by. 

“I- uh,” He scratches the back of his neck nervously, having to avert his attention elsewhere since he can’t handle Taehyung’s intense stare. Jeongguk feels a looming sense of awkwardness descend over the room; he isn’t used to being the object of someone’s attention. 

“Let’s talk.” Taehyung’s face remains impassive, not showing any sign of how this conversation could go. Not trusting his voice to waver, Jeongguk nods his head shakily. 

Before leaving, Jeongguk shouts one last goodbye, earning a cocked eyebrow and knowing look from Jimin. He pretends he doesn’t see it for now. 

Like many others shared between them, the drive is spent in silence. It serves as a good opportunity for Jeongguk to reflect over everything. His nerves have gone haywire ever since he entered the car, the initial shock now gone, replaced by overwhelming fear of how this conversation could play out. He’s spent a week and a half avoiding the elder, purposely not wanting to come to terms with what happened in fear of it becoming real. But after finally opening up to Jimin, speaking the words he strongly reserved for a while now, admitting a part of himself he perceived to have known a long time ago, never thinking he’d question his own sexuality. He can now accept, not only what happened, but how much he enjoyed it, which is more than he thought he would. Taehyung, however, may not share the same sentiment, may not feel the same aching feeling Jeongguk feels whenever he sees the elder. He doesn’t dare entertain the thought of Taehyung feeling the same, because how can he when Jeongguk’s so dull compared to his flashing neon. 

“Can we just forget what happened?” Jeongguk abruptly asks when they park, not wanting to long this out further. He doesn’t know where they are, can vaguely work out an old car park next to some field, hidden amongst a few old buildings and trees. By the looks of it, it’s fairly abandoned based on the aged paint marks of the parking lines, trash scattered everywhere. They've been driving for a while, not that Jeongguk noticed since he’s been so deep in thought. Beyond the horizon of the field is what looks to be an old tunnel, one that used to connect to a road but has been sectioned off from cars entering. 

Jungkook keeps staring ahead, breathing in shallowly in hope his words came out as painless as possible. He can hear Taehyung shift around in his seat, the movement making the younger give into his desire to glance at the other. Taehyungs expression remains impassive, having not shown a single glimpse of what he’s feeling between now and at Jimin’s. Jeongguk grows frustrated at not being able to read the other like he so desperately wishes he could. It’ll make this situation so much easier, knowing what the best thing to say in this circumstance.

“I’ve just never done anything like that with… a guy.” He continues after Taehyung remains silent, but regrets it immediately after. He berates himself silently for continuing to open his mouth. He didn’t need to explain, should’ve just left it there, kept his mouth shut. Jeongguk doesn’t even know where he’s going with that conversation opener, was he really planning on spilling everything? Jeongguk doesn’t think he’s ready for that. He doesn’t get to decide since Taehyung beats him to it. 

“I know.”

“You do?” Taehyung snorts. It’s the first time Taehyung’s showing some kind of expression other than blankness, Jeongguk just didn’t expect it to be amusement. His shock must be evident since Taehyung begins to lightly chuckle. Taehyung knows? What exactly does he know?

“Cute,” It’s safe to say Jeongguk’s a blushing mess. “It’s obvious, you’re not that hard to read, Jeongguk.” 

Jeongguk’s eyes widen almost comically, his breath catching in his throat and a nervous sweat developing on his skin. He can only push further back in his seat, creating some sort of distance. He instantly cringes at his incapability to hide his emotions, he originally thought he was doing decently well considering Jimin’s shock yesterday and Namjoon not mentioning anything unordinary. But apparently not. He wants to protest, tell Taehyung that he’s not that easy to read, but he knows he’ll only be trying to fool himself. Before the kiss, Jeongguk ventured the idea of something being there between them, obviously there's some sort of friendship but it’s more than that, some unspoken bond. Or maybe Jeongguk’s crazy, maybe it’s just his imagination making him see what he wants to see. 

“What-“ Jeongguk cuts himself off abruptly, completely lost for words. 

“Look, let's just forget it like you said.” Taehyung shifts to completely face the younger. For a fleeting second Jeongguk thinks he sees a flash of hurt in the elders eyes, but it’s gone as quickly as it came, not giving Jeongguk a chance to analyse it further. He shakes the image away, deciding to think better of himself than to believe Taehyung would be hurt by his previous comment. 

“Come on.”

“Wait, where are we going?” Jeongguk asks as Taehyung slides out of the car with ease. It’s not until the elder is finished rummaging around in the boot and opening the passenger door that he answers the lingering question that floats around in the air. 

“You’ll see,” it doesn’t exactly answer Jeongguk’s question but he gets out of the car nevertheless. It’s faintly raining outside, only partly dampening their hair and clothes. “C’mon.” 

“What’s with the bag?” There’s a small, black backpack lazily hanging from Taehyung's left shoulder. That must’ve been what he was searching for in the back of the car. Rather than answer Jeongguk’s question, Taehyung fishes in his back pocket, pulling out a box of cigarettes before plucking one out the pack. The elder starts to light the cig, shielding it with one hand from the thin breeze. They continue to walk in the field, getting closer and closer to the tunnel while Taehyung takes in long drags every few seconds before releasing. The smoke gets lots in the wind, every now and then Jeongguk gets a whiff of it but it’s faint.

There’s a sound, a muffed tune. Jeongguk soon recognises it as a ringtone. It must be Taehyung’s since his doesn’t make that noise. Jeongguk lifts an eyebrow at him, silently asking if he’s going to answer. Taehyung takes one glance at his phone before silencing it and discarding it back in his pocket.

“Someone you don’t like?” 

Taehyung scoff, waving him off with a faint “nah.” 

He stares at the elder each time he removes the bud between his lips, breathing the smoke Jeongguk grew pretty accustomed to the other day. His lips pout ever so slightly as he breathes out into the air, the smoke merging with the night's fog. He was so entranced by the elder that he didn’t notice Taehyung watching him. Jeongguk turns scarlet red, not only from being caught blatantly watching the elder, but from his vivid thoughts. Recollecting how the man felt beneath him, their mouths exploring each other’s. Jeongguk represses a shiver.

The smell of artificial fumes hits Jeongguk as soon as they’re close enough to the tunnel. The sound of hushed chatter can be heard before it comes to a halt. Jeongguk’s confused for a whole five seconds before they break the line of vision, noticing two familiar faces and three unrecognisable ones. 

“What the fuck man, you scared us.” Mark calls out, clutching his chest, feigning a heart attack.

“Yeah, we thought you were the fed or somethin’.” One of the nameless strangers' voices. It’s not until they near the others that Jeongguk recognises where the fumes are coming from. There’s spray cans scattered around the place, paint leaking out and glossing the floor. The walls don't look too dissimilar, bright colours decorating the once plain bricks. 

“Here.” Taehyung chucks his bag towards the others, Mark catches it skillfully before pulling out more spray cans. 

“Didn't realise you were planning

on bringing the kid.” Looking past the others, Jeongguk scans the area in search for the voice, eventually zeroing in on the culprit. He stiffens upon noticing BamBam approaching them, feeling highly on edge as the other stares holes into him. 

“I wasn’t.” Taehyung shrugs his shoulders, earning a knowing look from the others. Jeongguk shrinks upon their gaze. He was never one to consider himself small, but by the way they make him feel, Jeongguk may as well be 12 again. 

“Here,” Jeongguk thanks the gods for his quick reflexes, so grateful he didn’t make a fool of himself and drop whatever it was Mark chucked his way. Looking down, his face pales when noticing he was handed a spray can.

“I don’t- uh-“ he curses his stutter 

betraying the fear that begins to eke through his skin. Jeongguk stands back and watches Taehyung carefully examine his own spray paint. His eyes shine brightly, curiosity and danger reflecting in his eyes. 

“Lighten up kid, have some fun.” Mark comments. He bits his lip in thought, pondering over his decision. Jeongguk knows this is wrong, that he could get into serious trouble if he was ever to be caught. Fuck, Namjoon would give him a scolding of his lifetime and probably never let him see daylight again if he found out. But none of that matters when he’s met with Taehyung's wide grin, it leaves Jeongguk wanting to do anything to keep the expression stained on the eldered face, never wanting it to leave. 

“Jeongguk you don’t have to, we can go-“ 

“No,” he swiftly cuts in. “I want to.” Taehyung seems to contemplate for a while before giving in, grinning as he starts to work on the wall. Jeongguk just watches him for a while, stuck in a trance as Taehyung paints, lost in the way shape and colour creates meaning and vivid images. Jeongguk knows this is wrong, but he doesn’t care, Taehyung appears too content for him to care. The elders clearly passionate about art, can see it in the way his whole aura practically lights up. He knew Taehyung was good, could tell from his authentic tattoos, but Jeongguk’s seeing the beauty of his art up close, watching the elder work. 

Jeongguk’s unsure how much time passes, doesn’t really pay attention, he’s too immersed in watching the elder. There’s been a few times when Taehyung would look over, check if Jeongguk is still watching and grin. Jeongguk would just mirror his grin and up the intensity each time. Eventually Taehyung turns and is forcefully handing Jeongguk a spray can, urging him to try it. At first he refuses but ultimately gives in to the elders' antics, he’s much too weak for Taehyung’s excitement to protest. 

The fine hiss of the can is somewhat comforting, paint splatters in multiple directions and is quite difficult to control, but Jeongguk enjoys it either way. The shrill metal clacking as the elder shakes the can only serves to emphasise his grin further. He’s graffitiing nothing of importance, just playing around with shapes and colours, making small sketches here and there, ultimately enjoying himself. Everyone’s doing their own thing, chatting, painting the walls, at some point someone started to play music. 

Jeongguk just loses himself in it all. Loses himself in the rhyme, in their art, in the giggles shared between them. Especially when Taehyung purposely gets paint on his hand, a thick black stripe from his thumb to wrist. It eventually becomes a game of  _ who can get the most paint on the other person,  _ obviously avoiding their faces. 

The atmosphere suddenly changes, there's a few incoherent shouts in the distance, pounding footsteps nearing them, the music coming to a complete stop. Jeongguk drops his can with a loud rattle, echoing in the hallow room. A few of them cuss before sprinting off, Taehyung grasps hold of Jeongguk arm as he follows their lead. Heart pounding at the thought of being caught. 

They run like the winter breeze colliding into inanimate objects, sprinting for their life. Taehyung’s hold never once loosens on his arm, an iron grip directing them towards the car. Their long, black locks whip back and forth behind them as they sprint, getting wet in the now heavy rain. The others went their own way, possibly taking the police with them since Jeongguk no longer hears the shouts. The only sound left is their heavy breathing, hearts pounding rapidly and feet hitting wet ground. They’re both giggling as they dodge buildings and lifeless objects, not slowing down in pace until they reach the car, feet practically burning. They’re both heavily panting, taking in deep breaths to get oxygen back in their lungs. The laughing never falters, only intensifies when they finally come to a stop. Jeongguk leans against the car for some balance, not trusting his legs to hold his weight. 

The laughing eventually starts to die down, only a few giggles here and there since Jeongguk can’t come to fully stop. He looks up to the elder to see if he’s finding this as amusing as he is, but he’s met with a heavy gaze, Taehyung’s eyes are set and burning into him. “What-“

Taehyung leans in rapidly, effortlessly, and his lips press into Jeongguk’s with a fierceness that leaves him gasping. A hand comes up to his cheek as he’s being pushed backwards further into the car. Jeongguk’s legs feel numb and unsteady, painfully sore. The rain is directly hitting them now, soaking through their clothes, but he doesn’t care, none of that matters because he’s kissing Taehyung. Something he’s been craving for a while now. 

There’s another hand on Jeongguk hip, keeping him grounded whilst the other hand begins to caress his cheek, the youngest shivers at the touch. There’s hunger gnawing at Taehyung and the too innocent touches aren’t enough. The elders tongue snakes out to graze Jeongguk’s lips but he refuses Taehyung access. Jeongguk continues to tease him, depriving him from what he wants before Taehyung grows impatient. He latches onto Jeongguk’s bottom lip, eliciting a gasp out of said boy. Taehyung growls before taking the chance to dart his tongue into Jeongguk’s mouth.

He begins to lose himself in the feeling of Taehyung’s lips against his own and the kiss transforms into something more heavy and frantic, becoming all teeth and tongue. Before either of them register what they’re doing, Jeongguk starts rolling his hips while Taehyung grinds down to meet the youngers. Taehyung takes the chance to lift him into his arms, hands hooked under Jeongguks thighs, the latter yelps when he’s lifted. The younger places his hands on Taehyung's shoulders, clearly not used to being the one who is manhandled. Taehyung lips seek his once again, pressing firm against his own as they explore each other's mouths. Jeongguks held so firmly against Taehyung's body, their breaths mingling together as they grind against each other, the new found position working wonders for them both. Jeongguk wants this. A part of him believes that he's never wanted anything more than this. The other part is wondering, what exactly is it that he wants?

“I want you.” Taehyung, he wants Taehyung. 

They pull apart, staring at each other with so much meaning. Jeongguk waits patiently for the elders response, he knows there’s no coming back from this, that if they take it a step further Jeongguk might just fall to the point of no return. 

“Shit,” the elder cusses before diving back down to capture his lips. Moving rhythmically before pulling away once more. 

“Yeah, me too.” Taehyung says in a deep voice, tone low, but Jeongguk hears every syllable. His eyes widen measurably, star struck by the elder wanting him too. Never did he think Taehyung would utter them words, words he’s been dreaming of hearing for a while now. All the younger can do is melt against him, body alight with want that he’s been painfully aware of for months. He hasn’t been blind to Taehyung's obvious teasing, but he thought they’d be nothing but broken promises, never acting on anything. So of course he’s surprised by Taehyung admitting his want for him. 

“You do?” 

“I do.” Taehyung kisses him harder then, knowing how gone they suddenly both are from the affection. Taehyung’s lips slid languidly along his own, eliciting a noise he never realised he could make, a feral whine. That earns a growl from the elder, pulling away only to replace his lips on his neck, biting deliciously at his skin. One of the hands on his thighs disappears and suddenly, he’s flung backwards, landing harshly on the leather of Taehyung's back car seats. The elder climbs in on top of him, shutting the door behind him. He doesn’t give Jeongguk much time to compose himself since Taehyung’s pressing his lips against his once again.

Jeongguk hesitates, hands not straying from the elders neck, tugging lightly on the strands of his hair. He’s nervous, very nervous in fact. Jeongguk’s never done anything like this with a guy, has never been the one to be treated and taken care of. But he doesn’t stop, no amount of fear can stop him now because he wants this. Taehyung’s holding his body weight up with one hand, his other caresses Jeongguk sides, bunching his top into his palms. The skin on skin contact makes the younger shiver, breaking out in goosebumps as the elder takes control of the passion. He eventually trails his hands down to the elders biceps, nails digging into skin when Taehyung nips hard at his bottom lip. 

Taehyung kisses a feverish path over his jaw and ear, giving a sweet peck to the shell of it before continuing his journey south, licking and nipping at the juncture of Jeongguk’s neck and shoulder. The younger can’t help the low moan at a certain nip on his shoulder, showing just how much he enjoys this. 

“Fuck, I want you so bad.” Taehyung mumbles as he buries his head up Jeongguk’s top, kissing and nipping at the skin near his belly button before pushing the material up. Each touch Taehyung rewards him with makes his arousal grow stronger, leaving his brain scrambling into nothing more than want for Taehyung. The elder sits up and begins tugging at the hem of his damp top that’s already bundled up past his belly button, sliding the garment up and over his head. Jeongguk instantly covers his face, he can’t take the intense stare from the elder without furiously blushing. Jeongguk writhes beneath the elder when he dips down to lick over one of his nipples, hands not moving from his face. 

“No hiding, sweetheart.” Taehyung tenderly prys his hands away from his face, forcing him to look into the elders hungry gaze. Jeongguk moans at the endearment. Taehyung holds eye contact as he slowly dips back down, latching onto one of his nipples and sucking furiously. Taehyung inches his hand down and rolls the other one between his fingers. 

“Fuck Tae- ‘s good.”

“You like that, angel? Want me to take you apart ‘til there's nothing left?” Jeongguk merely moans as an answer, tangling his fingers in the other's hair. The younger tugs lightly at it, pulling the other up for another fiery kiss. Jeongguk grips the elders' side with one of his hands, tracing tiny circles before gripping tightly, pulling him closer and rocking up into his groin, making Taehyung momentarily stop his administrations. The latter bucks forward, rocking his clothed dick with Jeongguk’s before angeling a little lower. 

“What do you want?” Taehyung scatters kisses over his face, placing delicate pecks on his nose and forehead before sitting up slightly, continuing his rocking motion. 

“I,” Jeongguk bits his lip to suppress a moan at a sudden harsh thrust. “I just-“ 

“What do you want, baby?” Taehyung repeats, dipping back down to whisper the words in his ear. Jeongguk stifles a shudder. The elders' movement becomes slow, gently rocking into Jeongguk, giving him a chance to answer. 

“I don’t know,” he breaths the words out. Taehyung gently sighs, planting a quick kiss to Jeongguk’s forehead before leaning up. The latter follows his movement, sitting up also to place a tender kiss on the elders lips. “I’ve never done this,” the elder traces his fingers down Jeongguk’s jawline, rests his pointer finger underneath his chin and guides him up for a gentle kiss. This time it’s much slower, the pair of them savouring the moment as if it’s their last. Jeongguk doesn’t know what to think at the moment, his mind is clouded with the elders' touches, chanting  _ Taehyung Taehyung Taehyung. A _ ll he can do is  _ feel _ . Feel the elders humane touches and kisses, the same ones he got a taste of before but then was deprived of, leaving him wanting and begging for more. But this time Jeongguk’s getting more, he’s feeling more with every second longer they spend together. 

“I’m kind of nervous.” He eventually finishes. Taehyung pulls away and for a mere second, Jeongguk’s scared he said something wrong, that the elder was now rejecting him. His fear must be evident since he leans back down, giving him a quick peck on Jeongguk’s nose for reassurance. 

“That’s okay, I’ll take care of you.” He’s being gently pushed back down so he fully rests against the leather seat. Taehyung kisses him hungrily like he’d been craving his lips for days, coming out for oxygen for just a millisecond, just for the elder to pull him closer and kiss him more, as if he’s trying to convey something that he cannot with his words. The elders' hands explore every inch of his exposed chest, the touch is light but it affects Jeongguk all the same, making his skin prickle and break out in goosebumps. Taehyung's hands begin to trail further south, stopping at the hem of his jeans, only to dip his fingers in and caress the skin there. Taehyung peels their lips apart, attacking his neck, his shoulder before leaving a trail of heated kisses from Jeongguk’s chest, down to his abdomen.

“Can I see?” Taehyung looks up at him, pupils blown and eyes sparkling. Jeongguk doesn’t trust his voice to speak without cracking so he nods as a confirmation. Taehyung's look fills with so much intensity, it’s too much to stare at but Jeongguk is absolutely gone for it. Taehyung shifts over him, leaning down again to slot their lips together in another heated kiss. They move so easily, almost a practiced rhythm between their bodies that have no business being there, and yet it’s like fire. Hot and heavy and Jeongguk is certain he would be left craving more by the end. 

The elder starts unbuttoning his jeans, tugging at the material and pulling them off only for them to get stuck on his shoes. “Shit.” Jeongguk can’t help the small giggle, evoking the same reaction out of Taehyung. “That wasn’t hot.”

Jeongguk mumbles but he can’t find himself to care, not when Taehyung giggles so alluringly. 

The elder makes quick work on taking his shoes off before pulling the opposing garment off in one go. Jeongguk’s body flushes in anticipation, eyes linger on Taehyung as he cans his exposed skin. “So pretty.”

His face burns at the comment, having never been called pretty before. Taehyung dives back down to tickle his lips on his side, distracting the younger as he peels the waistband of Jeongguk’s briefs down, slipping the last article of clothing off that was keeping Taehyung from seeing all of Jeongguk in his naked glory. The younger realises he’s currently the one one naked, but he can’t bring himself to mind, in fact he finds it kind of hot, his dick pulses at the humiliation. His cock falls onto his stomach, flushing a soft red and already leaking across his belly button. Taehyung leans down to kiss over his soft belly, catching him smiling when Jeongguk’s lean muscles tenses at the elders touch. Before Jeongguk can register what’s happening, Taehyungs tongue darts out to taste the pre-cum collecting at the top of his cock, the latter groaning at the bitter taste. 

“I am?” Jeongguk chews the inside of his lip, closing his eyes when a warm tongue slithers across the inside of his thigh, teasing around the place he wants to be touched the most. Taehyung merely hums in agreement before biting down on the inside of his thigh then vigorously sucking. Jeongguk arches his back at the sensation, is certain it’ll leave a mark. Taehyung trails his kisses down his thighs before moving back up, kneading the meaty flesh, as he bites down, definitely leaving marks. “‘M gonna suck you off, angel.” 

The endearment leaves Jeongguk’s face feeling hotter than ever as he fumbles for a response that he can’t find, only nodding once again. Taehyung smiles wickedly before grabbing Jeongguk in his hand and moves his slender fingers up to the head, causing the younger boy to whine as he flicks his thumb across the slit to spread the precum- and god, Jeongguk’s a mess. 

“Just so gorgeous, all for me.” Jeongguk’s never felt so embarrassed by praises, he supposes it’s because he’s not used to being the one to receive them, he’s usually the one saying them. Taehyung slowly begins to pump the younger, taking his time in working Jeongguk up. The latter tries his hardest not to thrash around too much, but he’s finding it very difficult. He softly moans, rocking his hips slightly to get more of the delicious friction his cock has been neglected of. “Patience, baby.” The elder places a hand on his hip, stopping him from rutting up into his hand, Jeongguk adverts his gaze, flushing furiously at the intenseness. “Look at me.” 

When Jeongguk doesn’t immediately look up, the motion on his dick stops, making the younger whine at the loss of fricken. “I said,” the elder places his hands on either side of his thigh, squeezing gently. “Look. At. Me” When Jeongguk does, he doesn’t expect Taehyung’s face to be so close to the place he wants to be touched most, holding eye contact as he slowly slides down further. “Good boy.” The elders whisper tickles his skin, feeling like absolute heaven. 

He’s licking a stripe from the base to the tip- and fuck, when Taehyung finally begings to take Jeongguk into his mouth, he looses his mind, eyes rolling back as soon as the wet heat engulfs his head. His mind is clouded with Taehyung and he doesn’t recognise the sounds coming out from his swollen lips. Taehyung’s mouth is hot and so wet in a way that has Jeongguk reaching down to grasp the elder hair, not tugging but for balance. The elder swirls his tongue and hollows his cheeks, slurping with a lewd moan as he attempts to relax his jaw and take more of Jeongguk’s length in. He’s in absolute bliss, having never felt this good from any girl before, it was just quick and messy, no skill involved, but this is something entirely new and better. It all just feels amazing and he doesn’t want it to stop. 

“Fuck, that’s so good- ah, Taehyung.” He’s babbling, mind not thinking beyond the loud pounding of his heart, just trying not to cant his hips up and fuck into Taehyung's throat. His thighs are tensing, almost wanting to clamp together, yet wantonly falling apart at the same time. Taehyung hums around his cock, a vibration through his overloaded body that rips a guttural groan from his throat. He runs a hand up the skin of Jeongguk’s thigh, palm spreading over, hitching up a leg to knead the thick swell of his ass. He’s so torn between watching Taehyung suck him off and letting his head fall back in pleasure.

Taehyung swallows his cock even deeper, letting the tip push at the back of his throat. The elder looks up at Jeongguk through his hair, something black and predatory glinting in his eyes as Jeongguk’s eyelids flutter and he moans. Obscene, wet sounds are made as he sucks, loosening his throat for the younger and then swallowing around it. It's so tight, so filthy. At a certain point his hand dips precariously lower, beyond the skin of his balls, gently rubbing over his hole. Jeongguk jolts backward from the touch, having never had someone touch him there. Taehyung pulls off then and Jeongguk wants to whine at the loss. 

“Is this okay?” 

“No- I mean yeah it is, I’ve just never, uh-” 

“It’s okay, calm.” Taehyung rubs reassuring circles on his thighs, Jeongguk feels his insides burn. “I know, this is new for you,” Jeongguk mindlessly nods, feels slightly embarrassed at his inexperience, he’s had sex before but this is different. “I ain’t gonna fuck you.” Jeongguk tries his hardest not to seem disappointed, concealing a pout that threatens to form but the elder leans down and pecks him before he has a chance to. “Don’t look so sad, baby, I’m not rejecting you.” 

“O-okay.” Taehyung leans down, fitting his lips perfectly against his and tugging lightly, Jeongguk’s stomach flutter, heart thudding in his chest. Taehyung sucks lightly on his lower lip before his tongue slips inside his mouth again. He traces the roof of Jeongguk’s mouth, whimpering into the kiss, hands finding Taehyung’s shirt to tug him closer. “‘M gonna make you feel so good.” 

Taehyung spreads his legs, pushing them up and giving himself room to take in that puckered hole vying for attention. Jeongguk tenses in his hold, confused at first but soon catches on to what the other is doing. “Wa-wait.”

Taehyung stops staring at his hole long enough to look up, soothing the skin on his thigh. He lays there quietly blushing profusely at the thought of what the elder was about to do. “Want me to stop?”

“No,” He blushes harder at his desperation. “I mean no, I trust you.” Taehyung suddenly tenses, his soothing motion stopping, instead he just rests his hands immobile on his skin. Jeongguk’s immediately concerned he said something wrong. “Tae-“

Whatever it was Taehyung was deeply thinking about, he seems to shake off, going back to his previous ministrations and kisses his leg from ankle to hip bone, distracting Jeongguk from asking him what was wrong. “Tell me if this is too much.” 

“Yeah,” a moan. “O-okay.”

“Fuck, Jeongguk.” The elder lifts his thighs higher, baring his tight hole. “So perfect,” he maps his hole out with a finger, trailing it from the top of his thigh up to his rim. It was a miracle Jeongguk hasn’t closed his legs yet from being so revealed. “Such a perfect hole-“

“Oh my god.” He blushes  _ hard _ . “Shut up, maybe?” 

“All for me.” The elder sends him a teasing smile, obviously loving how flusters he is. Jeongguk is covering his eyes with his forearm in embarrassment, not able to bear his teasing looks. He isn’t given much time to take in his words since there’s a hot fan of breath tickling his hole. The younger looks down to find Taehyung looking up at him through his long hair, something black and predatory glinting in his eyes. Jeongguks legs jerk when a wet muscle circles his rim, teasing the flesh and nipping gently before sucking. The younger writhes in his hold as Taehyung lifts his legs up higher, hands cupping the curves of his ass as he spreads Jeongguk’s cheeks further. 

The elder lapps along the rim, circling it with his tongue and thrusting at Jeongguk’s entrance with just enough pressure to stimulate the nerves without entering. He’s hungrily sucking at Jeongguks hole now, creating vulgar noises. This feeling is so foreign to him, it feels slightly weird but in the best way possible. Causing him to curl his toes from the pleasures, wanting him to stop but never stop at the same time. The elder nuzzles his face deeper between his legs, giving one long lick between his cheeks which causes Jeongguk to arch his back, trying to get away from the overwhelming touch. His tongue finally breaches the ring of muscle, liking the inside of his wall as well as sucking. The new stimulation makes Jeongguk’s eyelids flutter shut and moans the loudest yet. 

“Tae-“ He's cut off by a moan after a strong suck, he tries to motion towards his jeans but can only reach the elders shoulder. “You’re-“ instead of finishing his sentence, Jeongguk sits up, pushing the elder off him so he can reach for his jeans. Taehyung hastily helps him unzip them, pulling the material down along with his briefs, exposing 

his cock that’s resting against his belly with the tip red, desperate for release. Jeongguk’s mouth waters at the sight, a rush of heat through his body because he’s  _ hard _ , all because of Jeongguk. He’s not able to get a good look at it since Taehyungs pushing his chest back down, hovering on top of him and starts to thrust their bare dicks together. 

He aligns their bodies perfectly, massaging their cocks together as Jeongguk’s body grows sensitive from the new sensations. “Fuck, you’re so perfect.” Jeongguk is near sobbing as Taehyung scatters kisses over his face, starting with his chin, nose, cheek, and then finally landing on his lips for a sweet kiss. Their cocks slip uncoordinatedly, too worked up to care about finding a good rhythm, they’re on the peak of orgasm. “Taehyung, ‘M gonna come.”

“Come for me, baby.” Jeongguk writhes under his warm body, screaming in ecstasy as he comes, the elder following not long after, the pair decorating Jeongguk’s stomach and Taehyung shirt in white stripes. The latter falls on top of Jeongguk but remains mindful not to squish him. They stay like that for a while, heavy breathing as they come down from their high. 

Jeongguk tilts his head over, giving a lazy smile, body completely spent and lax from the high. Taehyung smiles back, brushing his hair out of Jeongguk’s face. “C’mon,” Taehyung sits up and the younger immediately misses the warmth, even if he is sticky and sweating. “We should head back.”

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


They’re back at Jeongguk’s apartment after the latter invited him in. Taehyung was unsure at first, but as soon as he got a glance at Jeongguk’s beautiful, pleading face he couldn’t resist. 

They’re relaxing on the sofa, Jeongguk in his lap since they couldn’t get enough of each other, vigorously making out. Taehyung's shirt is still a mess from sweat and cum, Jeongguk offered multiple times for him to change it into something else but he had refused, not wanting to show him the ugly parts of himself he promised to lock away from human eyes. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous, sitting in my lap like you belong.” Taehyung buries his face into Jeongguk’s neck, kissing the soft flesh and loving the heavy moan it earns him. He’s always been mouthy during sex, couldn’t conceal how much he wanted him or her. Only this time he felt it ten fold, meaning everything he says when praising Jeongguk. 

Jeongguk is clutching his hair, moaning pleasantly in his ears. He can’t get enough of them delicious moans from the younger, loves how he whines and begs for him, it makes Taehyung feel pride knowing he did that. He’s growing slightly attached, scarily attached to the younger, something he knows he shouldn’t be. He truly is getting himself into an emotional mess, is aware he should stop this now before it goes further, but he can’t. Jeongguk just has to do that thing he always does. Talk. Just talk and say all the right words that make Taehyung’s defenses crumble and allow another human being in. It’s when the younger looks at him with admiration, is genuinely interested in his art or what he has to say, it kills Taehyung. It’s when the younger said he trusted him, that was his first mistake, his second was to continue. He should’ve stopped there, not allowed himself to hurt the sweet boy above him, but he can’t, because hurting people is all Taehyung knows. 

Hurt people hurt people. 

Jeongguk tugs him away from his neck, much to Taehyung's protest, and just looks at him. Taehyung feels hot under his gaze, but he never shows it, never gives way to how much the boy affects him. 

“Tae?” He hums, pecking his lips once more before letting the boy speak.

“Will you hurt me?” Jeongguk whispers, looking at him with so much affection. Taehyung inwardly freezes, feels caught red handed.  _ This is your chance,  _ he thinks. This is the perfect opportunity to tell Jeongguk the truth, tell him he can’t be there for him like the younger wants him to be. Finally let go of the beautiful boy before he does damage. 

“No.” He lies.   
  


He can’t do it, not when Jeongguk looks at him with so much hope, like he’s someone worth loving. He doesn’t want to let go, no matter how selfish that is. They eventually fall asleep on the couch, wrapped up in eachothers arms.

For the first time in a while, Taehyung sleeps. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH!  
> I was screaming when writing this. I hope it wasn’t too cringing, it was kind of hard to write since I wanted to make sure I set the mood.  
> I’m also a sucker for Yoonmin, Yoongi’s just a big softy in love. ;A;  
> I’m really curious what you guys think so comment here or on my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie) if you’d like.  
> If you missed the beginning notes then you might’ve missed me mentioning about the trailer posted on the 1st chapter. I had so many issues with my laptop and I’m pretty sure I’ve broke it... but it was worth it! So please check it out. :D  
> Thanks again for all the comments and kudos, I really appreciate it. ;A;  
> Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed again and I’ll see you on the next post.


	6. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tries to ignore the overwhelming sense of shame he feels for being so pathetic, but panic is rising and it’s consuming his whole being. In hindsight, he should’ve expected things to spiral out of control again, it’s been a while since his last panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooo, I finally posted chapter 6 after a month and so. I’m sorry it took so long and I hope everyone is well. This chapter is a little longer than the others, I think it’s like 12k words so I hope everyone can get through it alright. Things are beginning to change now, Taehyung’s past is finally coming out. (T-T)  
> I hope this chapter wasn’t too angst-y for everyone, (though, who doesn’t love a bit of pain XD)  
> As far as the length of each chapter is concerned, I think I’m going to continue writing longer chapters, it’s easier for me this way and I don’t lose my train of thought.  
> Anyway, hope everyone enjoys as normal and comment for any questions. :D

Taehyung was the first to wake up. 

He’s confused to begin with, had forgotten where he is, felt that bubbling fear boiling in the pit of his stomach, but then he saw Jeongguk sleeping peacefully next to him. He looked so pure, so content as he takes shallow breaths in and out, his cheeks puffing out adorably. The elder makes quick but silent movements out of their entangled limbs, being careful not to wake him. 

Last night they made out some more, sharing kisses and praises before passing out on the couch, much to Taehyung's shock. He’s never slept so peacefully with another figure in the room since his mum, and even then it was never as restful. Either way Taehyung scolds himself for being so reckless, he got lucky that he had an anxiety-free sleep. If he didn’t, Jeongguk would’ve seen his ugly side, not much different to when the younger had stayed over previously. He doesn’t think he can bear the stunned look from the younger again, regarding him with so much concern, a look he doesn’t deserve. That’s the first time Taehyung slept in the comfort of a sofa, having gotten used to sleeping beside his bed, a habit he never grew out of as a child. 

It should be enough, the kiss, the touches. Having finally got what he wanted, he should be able to leave the apartment, walk out and not look back. But then he thinks about that wide eyed, innocent face, the face he just can’t seem to get out of his head. He knew what he was doing at the beginning, knew to not mess with your friends siblings, but Taehyung couldn’t help himself. He thought it’d be easy, at first, it was just a game to rile the younger up, Taehyung knew how he made Jeongguk flustered, confused by the new attraction. But then he started to question his initial intentions since he never expected to take things this far, never expected to enjoy it as much as he did-  _ does _ . 

He’s in shit, big shit, a whole mess, but Jeongguk makes him feel warm, makes him forget that he’s undeserving of his consideration and emotional warmth, with his need to care for Taehyung and listen to his soul deeply. The younger looks at him like he strips away the darkness and finds beauty at its core. He’s so happy to have met Jeongguk, but he’s scared; there’s such joy and such pain. Taehyungs had plenty of hook ups in the past, mostly females but a few males here and there. He took great joy in making his partners fall deeply for him, gave him a sense of pride knowing he was able to reduce them down to feeling something so pathetic as love. Only for him to take it away, end it before they grew too attached, much like how he was stripped of that emotion long ago. Yet he can’t bring himself to hurt Jeongguk, not just because of him being related to one of his close friends, but because Jeongguk is… different. Taehyung doesn’t know what it is exactly that makes Jeongguk so different from the others, but he can’t bring himself to hurt him, the thought leaves a sour taste in his mouth. He’s never had such intimacy and passion with a lover like he had with Jeongguk, and they didn’t even have sex.

It’s when the younger confessed he trusts him, Taehyung remembers feeling paralysed. It’s a phrase he’s received numerous times, told by many lovers, but never cared for, knew they’d soon learn the truth. It was a concept he always ridiculed, to put so much trust into someone you barely know, it’s ridiculous. But when Jeongguk confessed his trust, Taehyung wanted to protect him, rip himself away from the wide eyed boy, tell him not to trust people so easily and confess; confess his true self and the monster within. He didn’t, instead he continued taking the younger apart, exploring and admiring his body. 

He eventually left the apartment with heavy feet, chancing one last look at the sleeping boy and his heart aches. Aches to leave him alone in his apartment after such an intimate night, but Taehyung needed to leave, clear his head. The night left him more confused than ever, leaving him to ponder over everything that’s happened. He was never one for skinship but he finds himself craving Jeongguk, even though he left only minutes ago. Taehyung wanted to go back, snuggle beside the younger and sleep; sleep a peaceful sleep. He wonders if sleeping beside the boy helped, but laying beside someone has never helped before so he doesn’t see how. 

He fears the younger will wake up, feeling disappointed and rejected. Usually Taehyung never minded, would leave without a second thought, but his mind concocts images of Jeongguk’s desolated expression and that thought alone pains him. So he sends the younger a quick text, making some excuse about having work. He technically isn’t lying, he has work but not until much later. 

Taehyung’s back at his apartment, he’s spent the majority of his morning over thinking everything, he’s now finally settled, lounging around, eating cereal before work. It isn’t exactly the afternoon yet, but it’s much too late to be eating cereal. Yet, Taehyung opts to sit and binge Rick and Morty while munching on a bowl of Coco pops.

He’s pretty far in season one, shovelling a mouthful of Coco Pops when the sound of keys clanging grasps his attention. Yoongi halts immediately, key still turned in the lock with one foot barely over the door threshold, he clearly wasn’t expecting Taehyung to be sitting there (even though it’s their shared apartment.) Taehyung smiles around a mouthful of cereal, cheeks puffing as he waves, milk almost spilling between his teeth. Yoongi’s initial shock fades into amusement as he snorts. 

“Didn’t expect to see you here.” Yoongi says whilst toeing off his shoes and placing his keys on the side. He looks tired, there’s dark bags highlighting his eyes and he looks a little pale. It’s likely the result of Yoongi’s late night drinking and almost crying in his drunken daze about missing Jimin. 

“Where else would I be? I do live here you know.” The elder scoffs before slumping down on the couch, groaning as he shuffles comfortably into the cushions. Taehyung continues to stuff his face. 

“Thought you’d be at Jeongguk’s.” The elder slurs. Taehyung inwardly stiffen but puts on a poker face, not conveying any emotion to the elder. Instead of answering, Taehyung leaps from the couch, placing his empty bowl in the sink. If Yoongi notices anything wrong, he decides not to mention it, instead the elder closes his eyes, willing away his obvious hangover.

“So,” Taehyung migrates back to the couch, purposely leaping in Yoongi’s space to knock the elder, causing him to open his eyes whilst frowning. “How’s chim.” His tone is teasing, spurring a reaction out of Yoongi who groans. 

“Don’t remind me.”

“So you two didn’t sort your shit out?” When Yoongi doesn’t respond Taehyung pinches him, causing the elder to snap his eyes open with a cuss, swatting Taehyung's hand away.

“We talked it out early hours this morning.” Yoongi curtly answers, dismissively waving a hand before shutting his eyes closed again, his frown never disappearing. 

“Did you fuck?”

Yoongi groans, rubbing his face before reverting his gaze back to the younger with a glare. Taehyung would be scared by his bad temper if he wasn’t so accustomed to it by now, having spent years with the elder, he knows when Yoongi’s actually angry at him, which is rare. “I’m too hungover for this shit.” Yoongi groans again for emphasis. Taehyung scoffs, he doesn’t need Yoongi to explain, he’s known the guy long enough to read him like an open book. Taehyung laughs, scooting himself closer to poke at the elder teasingly. 

“Fuck. Off.” Taehyung continues to poke him until he sits up. Yoongi looks like he’s about ready to throttle him, but Taehyung's used to it, isn’t threaten by his resentful stare. 

“I’m bored, tell me what happened.” 

“No.” Yoongi grunts, pulling a small blanket from the back of the couch to drape over himself.

“I see. You don’t love me.” Taehyung teases, tilting his head and sighing, feigning dejection. “It’s fine, You don’t love me enough as your best friend to tell me-“

“Fine, you dick.” Taehyung’s whole demeanour instantly changes back into a teasing one. “You’re awfully in a good mood and I don’t like it.” Taehyung rolls his eyes at this but his mischievous look never falters. “Yeah we fucked after we spoke. It was good, he was hot, now we’re fine. Anything else?” Taehyung snorts, faintly nudging Yoongi’s shoulder with his own. 

“No good comes from fucking your friends hyung.” He realises his mistake as soon as the words leave his mouth, can practically feel the shift in the room. Yoongi quirks an eyebrow at that.

“Oh really? What about you and Jeongguk then?” Yoongi grumbles, eyebrows remaining hitched as if to challenge him. 

“What about him?” 

“Don’t play that game, I’m not stupid.” 

“Debatable.”

“Cunt.”

  
  


Taehyung rolls his eyes, sighs. “I’m not playing a game with you, hyung. There’s really nothing-“

“No,” Yoongi says firmly, cutting him off. Taehyung blinks, confused. “Don’t lie to me kid, I see the way you look at him.” Taehyung turns his attention fully to Yoongi now, a frown marring his features.

“The way I- Hyung, stop talking fucking horse shit.” Taehyung says, his jaw clenching tightly. He’s not taking shit, Yoongi’s so close to the truth that it frightens him.

“I’m not and you know I’m not.” Yoongi sighs, lowering his voice to

something much calmer after realising his voice raised an octave. “Look,” he sighs again, angling his body to face the younger, fixing him with a pointed look. “I don’t know what your intention with the kid is, but if you’re going to treat him like another one of your partners, somewhere to shove ur dick for a while before binning then off, then stop now.” Taehyung remains silent, averting his gaze to his clenched fists. “Jeongguk’s a good kid, he’s also your friends brother, friends don’t hurt other friends.” Taehyung’s sitting up now, a clear all too knowing frown on his face. 

“Maybe Namjoon shouldn’t trust me then, if he’s that protective of his baby brother. I wouldn’t trust me either.” Taehyung says firmly. 

“You’re right, he is protective of Jeongguk, and for good reason.” Taehyung grunts, mumbling about that being an understatement. “But he’s protective of you too, as am I.” Rather than answering, Taehyung gets up and heads to their balcony, craving something that’ll ease his thoughts, make him feel light headed and forgot his worries. Yoongi follows close behind, blanket remaining draped over his petite body to protect himself from the harsh cold. Even when smoke filters through the room as Taehyung brings puffs of blunt after blunt to his lips. He’s fucked up, flying high on the numb feeling but feels sick at the same time. They endure the silence for a while, Yoongi senseing his ‘fuck off’ energy, but it doesn’t last long. 

“Tae-”

“Would you get off my back!” Yoongi’s mouth snaps shut after Taehyung's venomous outburst. The pair fight all the time, but Taehyung never lashes out on him like he did just then. Yoongi’s stubborn but Taehyung is more so. Instead Yoongi clenches his jaw, attempting to keep his anger in check. 

“What the fuck, Tae-” 

“No,” Taehyung grits out, harsher than necessary. “Just fuck off.”

“No, I don’t understand why you’re being such an ass.”

“Because I don’t need you to lecture me about how much of a fuck up I am, I already know I’m shit.” Yoongi’s face softens, attempting to reach out but Taehyung steps away, walking back inside after finishing his blunt. 

“That’s not true, don’t say shit like that.” Yoongi voices, following after the younger until they reach the living room. 

“Why does it matter to you what I do, you’ve never cared before?” Yoongi never used to bat an eye at Taehyung when he brought girls over, introducing them as his ‘new girlfriend’ for him to then just cheat anyway. Or when he sleeps around, giving zero fucks if he hurt the other. Yoongi would tell him it’s wrong and that he should stop at best, but never scold him or attempt to stop him. It makes no sense why he’s suddenly getting involved now. 

“Because,” Yoongi starts as he pulls his eyebrows in a tight line. “I’ve told you, he’s Namjoons brother and if you haven’t noticed, everyone is quite fond of Jeongguk. Especially Jimin, he loves that kid, and I see why.” Yoongi answers slowly, as if he’s a spooked bird ready to take flight. Taehyung can read in between the lines, Yoongi’s meaning to tell him he’s quite fond of Jeongguk too. 

“So you care what I do for Jimin’s sake?” He made sure to keep his voice curt, not betraying any of the resentment that burned in his gut.

“No, I care for your sake. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, or the kid. Not for Jimin’s but for both your sakes.” 

“That’s impossible hyung, I’m not going to hurt myself since I don’t feel pain, I lost that sentiment when I was young, you know this.” He gnaws on the inside of his lips, thoughts of his childhood rise unbidden to his mind. He shakes it off. “If Jeongguk gets hurt,” he pauses, the words feeling sour in his mouth. “Then that’s on him, not my fault if he expects anything from me.” Yoongi looks stricken, completely speechless at Taehyung’s reasoning.

“You and I both know you don’t want to hurt the kid, and don’t lie to me. So stop now before you take it too far.” Taehyung bits his bottom lip, hoping to keep his guilt skillfully in check. But Yoongi knows him well.

“Oh fuck,” Yoongi’s eyes widen in realisation. “You slept with him didn’t you? Fuck Taehyung you’ve really gone and done it now.” Yoongi can scold him and sometimes even get frustrated looking, but never angry, not at Taehyung anyway. He usually looks fond when he scolds Taehyung or just genuinely worried because sometimes Taehyung does take it too far. But Yoongi seethes his words at Taehyung, anger clear in his expression. 

“No! I didn’t sleep with him. We just…” Taehyung trails off, looking away from Yoongi’s judgemental gaze. 

Yoongi scoffs, shaking his head in dismay and putting a hand up to stop Taehyung from continuing. “Don’t. I get it.”

“You’re fucking Jimin, what’s the difference? I haven’t even fucked Jeongguk yet.” Taehyung remarks defensively. 

“Yet? Taehyung, you can’t seriously be thinking of fucking the kid.” Taehyung tries not to show how much Yoongi’s look of disgust affects him. 

“It’s just fucking Hyung, you’re making it a big deal.” Yoongi scoff, way past the border line of mad.

“It’s not just fucking, not with the way you look at that kid. I’ve never seen you look at someone with so much endearment before. Jeongguk looks at you the same way, it’s obvious.” 

“He’s just curious about his sexuality and I’m just helping, it’s nothing more.” Taehyung shrugs with a scowl, feigning indifference. 

“Don’t bullshit me, Tae. What are you so afraid of, you clearly care-“

“Don’t.” Taehyung seethes through his teeth, pointing a finger at the elder before walking closer, his posture demanding. But Yoongi can see past his facade and finds the scared boy he met years ago. 

“Or what? You and Jeongguk obviously care for eachother, why can’t you just accept that you might actually like the kid?” Taehyung stares at him in a mixture of disbelief and annoyance for a brief moment before his glare returns. 

“Enough.” Taehyung says in such a low voice that he thinks Yoongi might not have heard. But Yoongi doesn’t finish, eyes set in an angry glower.

“No. Look at me now and honestly tell me you don’t care for that kid, and don’t bullshit me. Don’t lie and say he’s the same as the skanks you bring back, tell me you don’t want him in your life.” Yoongi’s eyes are searching his, looking for the truth. Of course Taehyung wants the younger. It’s easy to flirt and watch the blushing mess Jeongguk becomes, but he can’t deny this unknown want for the younger. That thought scares the shit out of Taehyung, he’s never wanted someone like this, and for the first time ever, he doesn’t want to hurt Jeongguk like he has in previous relationships. He’s a much different person than the types Taehyung is accustomed to being around or associated with. But Taehyung doesn’t want to face these facts, not yet anyway. 

“What does it matter? I don’t fucking need nobody.” Taehyung's hands begin to shake. This conversation is taking a path that Taehyung doesn’t want to follow, he wants to avoid it by any means necessary.

Yoongi really groans then, looking as if he wants to rip his hair out. “For fuck sake, Taehyung. Would you just stop for five minutes and let people fucking give a shit about you. Why are you so scared? Don’t let what happened to you deceive your perspective on people.” Taehyung pulse picks up underneath his skin, pounding in his ears, his head. He doesn’t want to think of his childhood, but images and memories come flashing back to his mind as if it were a movie. “Jeongguk’s not them, I’m not them. Would you want to hurt me?”

“I don’t know hyung, that’s just who I am! I hurt people, I make people feel how life has made me feel. If anything, I’m helping them, helping them see that feeling something so pathetic as love is just your brain tricking you, it only serves to hurt people so what's the difference if I get to them first? I never seek people out, they come to me, it’s their fault that they fall, not mine.” Taehyung would never want to hurt his friends, he cares for them in his own type of way. But he knows it isn’t enough, that he wouldn’t put it past himself to push them away, hurt them somehow so they leave his life for good. “I don’t need anyone to care for me, and I don’t expect anyone to care for me.”

“I care for you, you know damn well I do. I’ll always be there, no matter how fucked up we get.” How can anyone care for a boy with scars on both the inside and the outside? How can anyone care for someone who’s so broken that he’ll go to the extreme to forget his past, take shelter in cocaine and bottles amongst bottles of alcohol, just following the footsteps of his father? 

It isn’t just his hands shaking now, but all of him. So Taehyung excuses himself from the conversation, much to Yoongi’s protests. He mumbles something about needing to get ready for work before retreating to the shower, stripped down to nothing and turning the shower on scolding. He feels the panic he’s grown accustomed to rise, too many images play in his head. 

Taehyung doesn’t deem himself worthy enough to be loved, because who would love a monster? a killer like himself? He’s the reason his family is broken, the reason why he no longer has a family to turn to anymore. The word leaves such a sour taste in his mouth that it burns, because it does nothing but remind Taehyung of his loss. 

He tries to ignore the overwhelming sense of shame he feels for being so pathetic, but panic is rising and it’s consuming his whole being. In hindsight, he should’ve expected things to spiral out of control again, it’s been a while since his last panic attack. It’s pathetic to think it only took a few words he couldn’t handle to tip him over the edge. Taehyung’s no longer flying high on the drugs, instead it only serves to make him feel ten times worse. 

There’s voices ringing in his ears. At first he thought they were his own, then Yoongi’s. His mind reminding him how much of a monster he is, a low life fuck up, but the voice changes into one he can’t quite forget. A deep voice, coming from a demon he tries to push to the back of his mind, but never fully goes. It’s his father's voice, chanting words that have stuck with Taehyung his whole life. His breathing has increased to the point where he’s hyperventilating, trying to get oxygen he desperately desires back in his lungs, but it’s like it's been ripped away from him, that there’s suddenly no air left in the world and he can’t  _ breathe _ . 

Taehyung squeezes his eyes shut hard, so hard that he can see white dots scattered around behind his eyelids. He’s no longer in the safety of his shower, his skin no longer stings from the scalding water. 

_ Taehyung is woken by a scream, a piercing sound that rings out in his ears. At first he believes it’s another one of his dreams, one with dirty hands grabbing him and abusing him, using his body as if he was a punching bag while screaming for the hands to stop, the demon with red eyes to leave him alone. But he realises it isn’t a dream and the demon is real but in the form of his father, the scream doesn’t belong to him. Taehyung looks over from where he’s crouched on the floor, Infant legs bent in a way to protect him from the harsh cold seeping in through the holes. He notices his mother gone from the small  _

_ mattress and a thin sheet she calls a bed. Taehyung slept on the ground that night rather than his own bed, unable to sleep without being close to his mother. He felt the need to protect her, even though she insists she’s fine and that she’s the one who has to protect him, he still felt safe being close. They sleep next to each other almost every night, on the off occasion his brother would join them.  _

_ Someone screams again and this time it’s much louder, sounding like a cry in terror and that’s when Taehyung realises, it’s a female voice, his mothers. He springs up from the floor, head spinning from getting up too quickly but he doesn’t care, his mother is in pain and he needs to see her. Little Taehyung stands on his tippy toes, stretching a hand out to gently turn the door handle, hoping not to make any noise and draw attention to himself.  _

_ When peeking past the small gap between his partly opened door, Taehyung finds his brother in the hallway, lying lifeless on the floor with his mother above him. For a split, terrifying second, Taehyung thinks his older brother is no longer breathing, it’s not until his dad begins hitting his mother that he realises she’s merely protecting him.  _

_ “Get off him you slut, you know what he’s done!” His father shouts, continuously hitting his delicate mother all over, fresh bruises decorating her beautiful skin. Her sobbing brings fresh tears to Taehyung's eyes, he stands in utter shock, motionless as he watches the scene unfold in front of him. You’d think he’d be used to it by now, having experienced this almost every day since birth, but it hurts more each time _ . 

When Taehyung opens his eyes, he’s no longer standing, instead he finds himself sat on the floor, scalding water damping his hair and covering his face. Taehyung’s gripping his loofah tightly, skin burning and decorated in a violent scarlet colour. It’s from the gash on his body that he realises he’s been scrubbing his body viciously. 

Taehyung doesn’t have a weak stomach, but looking at his raw skin, scrubbed to the point where he’s bleeding, makes him feel queasy. It’s the fact that he didn’t even realise what he was doing, was so lost in his own mind that his body moved on its own accord that makes him feel sick. Taehyung doesn’t feel the pain yet and that scares him, the anxiety rises in his throat like bile, but then he realises it is bile. It forces its way out of his throat, burning on the way up and stopping his air supply. He can’t breath. Taehyung is so fucking scared and now he can’t breath, he doesn’t remember the last time he’s drunk anything normal and his head pounds against his skull. 

“Tae, you good?” 

Taehyung doesn’t respond, can’t respond. He’s lucky he’s in the shower, allowing the water to wash away the remains of his last meal. He eventually stops long enough to turn the shower off. The heat was becoming too much, making him feel more dizzy than usual. He wraps a towel around his waist, dirtying the white material with his blood. The pounding in his head never eases, only worsened once he got up, Taehyung sits on the toilet seat, not caring if the towel slowly slips from his waist, revealing his hip. He can’t breathe again, the overwhelming pain in his head makes him panic, Yoongi’s furious knocking does nothing to relieve the thumping in his head. 

“Answer me, Tae. Thought I heard you throw up.”

Taehyung drowns out Yoongi’s voice with his thoughts, hearing nothing but incoherent words from the elder. He grabs his hair to ground himself, hoping to come back to this room, back to joking with his friend, the pair ripping the piss out of each other as they laugh and smile. But he can’t, he's lost his mind now. 

His mind concocts unwanted images of Jeongguk's soft face, smiling as he laughs, so much joy and innocence in his eyes. It soon morphs into fear, fear from seeing Taehyung as his true self; a monster. Someone that does nothing but hurt the people around him, people who genuinely care about him but he’s too selfish to see that. Taehyung purposely pretends not to acknowledge their tender looks, it’s for their own safety. 

Jeongguk’s frightened face soon contorts into his mother’s, the same fear reflecting in her eyes. Taehyung thinks he can hear Yoongi’s voice again, but he can’t make out words and his mind is lost to this world right now. It could just be his imagination. He thinks, otherwise when the door is being opened, Yoongi hesitantly glances inside before looking at the mess he’s become. The elder rushes over in an instant, but Taehyung doesn’t notice, he’s too far gone to notice. 

“Shit kid, what’s wrong?” Taehyung doesn’t exactly know why, but breathing is becoming harder and harder, it feels as if something is crushing his chest. Yoongi’s eyes go wide and he attempts to step closer, fear clear in his features. “Okay you’re starting to scare me now.”

“Du-don’t come closer!” Yoongi flinches at the way his voice rises, retracting his hand from the younger. “Dun’ wanna hurt you.” He slurs. 

“Tae, you need to calm the fuck down. You’re not gonna hurt me. It’s only me.” Yoongi attempts to reach out again, approaching Taehyung slowly as if he was a scared animal about to take off in a sprint. 

Taehyung is so fucking scared and the room is spinning to the point where everything is just a blur, though he can slightly make out Yoongi’s panicked face, his words nothing but a disoriented noise. His mind won’t leave his past, there’s different faces playing in his head like a slideshow, showing him their fear reflecting his eyes. Deep down, Taehyung knows he’s in the solace of his bathroom, that Yoongi is here with him and he won’t hurt him. But his mind has trapped him in a dark place that he fights to bury inside him. 

_ “It’s your fault.” _

_ “You’re the reason why she’s gone.” _

_ “You did this.” _

Yoongi reaches him, causing Taehyung to flinch, leaping up in panic and moving away from his opposing hand. His towel barley clings around his waist but that’s the least of his worries right now. Taehyung can feel nothing but raw fear coursing through his veins. 

“No! I-I did this, ‘dun wanna hurt you too.” Teahyung repeats, the sheer terror he feels is overwhelming, so much so that he feels a bubbling sensation in the pit of his stomach. The sudden need to puke forces Taehyung to push past Yoongi, emptying his stomach in the toilet. He shouldn’t have had that blunt, having not eaten anything in a couple of days other than that one bowl of cereal. It’s finally caught up to him now. 

“Breathe, kid.” Yoongi’s rubbing small circles on his back but it does nothing to soothe him. Taehyung feels tears brimming his eyes yet he refuses to let them fall, he doesn’t want to feel more weak than he already does. He can hear the sound of his heartbeat in his ears, the sound only serving to make him panic more, the thumping in his chest getting louder as a result. 

_ His father picks up one of his many emptied alcohol bottles, smashing it over his mother’s head, causing her to fall limp on top of his brother with a heart-wrenching cry. Taehyung’s sobbing now, tears streaming down his puffed out, baby cheeks. A whine is ripped out of his throat, catching his father's attention.  _

_ Said man snaps his head up, glaring at Taehyung. The latter continues to gaze at his mother, wanting so desperately to help her but he’s too scared to move, his limbs disobey him. It’s not until he starts to move towards Taehyung that he moves, retreating out his room and to the kitchen.  _

_ “Come here you little shit.” _

_ Taehyung continues to run, circling around their counter while whimpering in fear. Taehyung thought they were getting lucky, his father hadn't been home for a while, hoping he left for good. His elder brother, Juwon, got a job at their local garage, getting paid to wash and fix up cars. It was starting to look better for them, that is until late last night that their father showed his face again, coming home completely drunk. He knew it was him just by the heavy sound of a door slamming closed, shaking the walls as his father’s voice booms and reverberates through the rooms.  _

_ “N-no. Please!”  _

_ 13 year old Taehyung is so scared but all he can do is cower away in one of the cabinets, crouching in the small space and covering his ears. He holds his breath, forcing the whispering to stop. Taehyung just has to wait this out, his father will eventually get bored and stop and leave again, he just has to wait this out.  _

_ It’s dark in the cabinet, so dark that Taehyung can barely see a thing, the only source of light comes from a small gap of the cabinet doors. He keeps his eyes trained on that gap, watching carefully for any sign of his dad. He starts viciously trembling when he sees his black, dirtied boots stop in front of the doors.  _

_ “Hello my baby.”  _

_ Taehyung sobs then, leaping out of the cabinet and away from his father. He falls unlucky, his little legs not being fast enough and his father grabs his arm harshly, his freakishly long nails digging into Taehyung's poor excuse of a top, leaving crescent shapes in his skins and it burns. “Please, ‘m sorry!” He slurs, hiccuping on a sob.  _

_ “No, you’ve been bad. Haven’t you?” Taehyung’s forced to look at his father as he chuckles darkly, a vicious sound that sounds very similar to the demon in Taehyung dreams. His face contorts into rage as he raises a hand, readying it to forcefully slap his son.  _

_ Taehyung squeezes his eyes shut, preparing for the impact. He tells himself that it won’t last long and that he can handle it, it’s nothing new.  _

_ “No, d-dont hurt him!” His mother cries from the hallway, slurring on her words as she holds her head from the previous impact. Juwon’s there hovering over her, helping her sit up properly.  _

_ Taehyung glances down to the counter, a small knife resting on top, left there from last night's meal. He makes an impulse decision and attempts to hesitantly reach out towards it, using his father's distraction towards the other as a good opportunity.  _

_ “Taehyung, don’t!” His brother screams at him, provoking his father to snap his head back at him and catches him in action.  _

_ “You fucker!” Taehyung’s suddenly pushed back mercilessly, his side bashing into the counter. The blade of the knife that stuck out is now taking shelter in his hip. A startled cry is ripped out of him, hiccuping as he sobs, his father lets go of him and Taehyung crashes to the floor, the impact knocking the breath out of his lungs. He can’t hear his mother scream and cry over the pounding in his ears, his brother rushes over but it’s too late. “‘M sorry.” _

_ He blacks out.  _

Taehyung doesn’t remember sitting in the corner of the bathroom, but that’s where he finds himself when he comes out of his haze. His body feels like it left for a moment, now suddenly coming back down to earth. His breathing begins to even out, eyes no longer hazy as he zeros in on Yoongi’s relieved face. 

“You’re okay,” Yoongi’s sighs, rubbing comforting circles on his knee, lulling him into calmness. “You’re with me, you’re okay.” 

Taehyung cries then, the noise coming out in a small whimper. Yoongi pulls him in his embrace, hugging him tightly whilst carding his fingers through the younger's damp hair. Taehyung hugs him back with trembling hands, burying his head in Yoongi’s neck for comfort but being mindful of his broken arm. 

“I’m sorry.” Taehyung utters after he composes himself, finally feeling calm enough to let go of the elder. He runs his fingers under his nose with a sniff, snot trailing down his face.

“Nothing to be sorry for, kid.” 

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  


The next couple of weeks go by in a blur, Taehyung never talks about the incident and luckily, Yoongi never askes. 

As much as Taehyung tried, he couldn’t keep himself away from Jeongguk. It’s a lot harder than he anticipated considering Jeongguk is literally the bother of one of his best mates, it doesn’t help that Jimin has taken a brotherly interest in him as well as the others. That, plus Taehyung doesn’t want to stay away, he just can’t bring himself to do it. Taehyung hasn’t gone out of his way to meet the younger, only ever seeing him with the others. 

They’ve been perfectly fine, talking, meeting up with the others like usual. Jeongguk still turns into a blushing mess whenever he’s obviously shy. It's cute, Taehyung can’t help but silently coo at the younger. 

There’s still some unspoken tension between the two, neither one of them addressing the elephant in the room, not discussing what happened between them. At first it was awkward, unintentionally seeing each other at Jimin's one night but Taehyung did what he does best, act as if he’s fine and as if their encounter didn’t bother him. 

Taehyung could only sleep when exhausted which is one of the reasons he likes to race, it’s a good adrenaline rush as well as partying into the night, not stopping until his body is physically drained of energy and craves a good night's sleep. When Taehyung feels the tiredness in his chest, in how he breathes his thoughts dragging by in slow motion. He slunks down in his quiet spot and curls up, hoping the night will take him, let him enter the gates that is sleep. On good days he would get four hours sleep, on bad days two. 

Insomnia haunts his nights; fatigue rules his days. It’s when he has to clear his head, concentrate on his work that his body begs for unconsciousness. But come the hours of darkness and Taehyung’s mind illuminates with thoughts, new and old sources of disaster. When Taehyung does finally sleep, he wakes up only moments later from nightmares he remembers all too well. Featuring hands hurting him, and red eyes boring into his soul. Taehyung’s been getting worse recently, the nightmares became more frequent after that traumatic panic that he wants to just forget, but his mind deprives him from that ability. He often found comfort in sleeping upright on the floor, a position he remembers all too well considering it was the pose he found most content as a child. 

Tonight is one of those nights.

Taehyung was woken by one of his many dominating nightmares, waking up with a thick sheen of sweat coating his body. This has been the fifth time in a row of having close to zero hours of sleep, his body completely drained of life. 

“I'm not going to say you look like shit but… you look like shit.” greeted Hoseok one afternoon, eyebrows raised. Namjoon frowned deeply in agreement whilst Yoongi stayed deadly silent. The warm light from the late Wednesday sun streamed in through the windows of his studio. Taehyung was topping up Hoseok’s tattoo, a pair of black and white checkered flags blowing in the wind, something simple yet effective and meaningful for the latter. 

Taehyung couldn’t blame his friend for calling him out as he lazily moved his hand across Hoseok’s upper arm. The bags under his eyes might as well have been black holes, his hair was still a tangled mess. Taehyung had run a hand down his haggard face, pausing for an explanation that seemed far too exhausting to give at the moment, so he settled on a curt answer. They all regarded him with a sad look but left the conversation there much to Taehyung's gratitude. 

Taehyung rose from his crouching position, stretching out his tired limbs, his joints clicking in the process before dragging himself towards his phone. 12 _ :37 a.m.  _ He groans, head slightly hurting from the day before. Taehyung feels angrier than necessary at himself, but the nightmare seems to have thrown his nerves off kilter in a way he isn’t fond of.

Knowing he’ll no longer be able to sleep, Taehyung thinks back to that night with Jeongguk. That being the first time he was able to sleep peacefully with another precance that wasn't his mother, the thought leaves a pang in his chest, that familiar knot in the back of his throat that he swallows, willing away the thought. Instead he daydreams about sleeping like that, being able to curl up next to the younger and finally rest.

The feeling becomes too much for Taehyung to bear, his body craving the unconsciousness he so desperately desires and has been deprived of. So he thinks irrationally and gets changed into something more suitable than just his briefs, grabs his keys and his essentials and leaves before his mind convinces him otherwise. 

It’s not until Taehyung arrives at Namjoon’s apartment that the fear kicks in and he realises what he's about to do. The need to sleep is more powerful than his concerns so he sucks it up and gets out of the car. A welcome cold draft brushed over Taehyung’s skin as he steps out into the fresh air. The lift is seemingly endless, leaving him time to ponder over everything. Taehyung doesn’t mean to come off as a blushing virgin who's about to lose his virginity for the first time. But that's just what it feels like, he's never been so nervous to sleep next to someone, something that comes so naturally to the average person. It's when the elevator doors open that he regrets not taking something beforehand, a drug that will numb his thoughts, the alcohol from the night before still lingers on his skin but it does nothing to ease his nerves. 

When Jeongguk opens the door in nothing but a pair of boxes and a tee that looks like it's been shoved on in a hurry, based on it hanging off his broad shoulder and it being back to front. Taehyung lets out a sigh in relief, glad it was Jeongguk who opened the door rather than Namjoon, purely because he wouldn't know how to explain being here at an hour like this. 

There's that familiar gut-wrenching fear when Taehyung takes in Jeongguk’s pure shock, mouth agape and eyes wide, he can't really blame the younger for being surprised at Taehyung arriving unannounced.

“W-what-“

“I couldn’t sleep.” He cuts Jeongguk off, saying it quickly like it’s the most normal reason for him to go out of his way to come here. Luckily, Jeongguk doesn’t question him, instead nods his head as if he understands and steps out Taehyung's way, allowing him to walk in and pry his shoes off. 

“Nice boxers.” Taehyung comments after a few awkward beats of silence, a wolfish grin stretching towards his ears. It's then that Jeongguk looks down at his attire, acutely aware of his loose tee and bright red boxers, matching his equally red cheeks. The embarrassed gasp the younger realises sets Taehyung off in a fit of giggles, his nose wrinkling as he laughs, cheeks bulging like dough rising over the corners of his mouth. The initial horror morphs into something else, expressing an amused sentiment as his lips curl at the corners, eyes wrinkling as he laughs along, revealing his teeth that resembles something like rabbit teeth. Taehyung thinks he looks younger like this, more pure, the warmth in his chest is immediate.

“Uh, did you want to watch a movie or something?” Jeongguk asks, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, but his smile never falters. 

“I wanna sleep,” Taehyung holds out his fingers, clicking each one in a nervous gesture he’s picked up from Jeongguk as he speaks. His anxiety returning at the mention of sleep. 

“You want to… sleep?” 

“Yup.” Taehyungs says, popping the ‘p’ as he heads towards Jeongguk’s room. The latter stills, looking stricken and completely speechless, but he follows behind anyway. Taehyung collapses on the younger's bed, sighing at how comfortable the mattress is, along with the duvet covers, melting into the sheets. He groans at the thought of sleeping on the floor, it’s frustrating to think he finds peace crouching down in such an uncomfortable position, his limbs ache in the morning, begging him not to sleep like that. But his mind won’t allow him. 

You become vulnerable when asleep. So in Taehyung’s mind, sleeping on the floor, curled up in a ball as he faces his door, brings him some peace of mind. 

“Hey, you good?” Jeongguk asks, his voice distant. Taehyung sits up, watching as Jeongguk lingers in the doorframe, arms folded over his chest. He doesn’t answer, instead he gently pats the space next to him as an invitation for Jeongguk to join him. The latter eventually does settle beside him, sitting a good distance away. 

The sudden silence puts him on edge, now regretting coming here if it means he could have avoided this anticipated tension. Taehyung doesn’t know what he was thinking coming here, he feels utterly ridiculously sitting on Jeongguk’s bed awkwardly. It’s ironic really, how Taehyung came here to find sleep yet he deprives Jeongguk from doing just that by his mere presence. Taehyung continues to stare at the younger, acknowledging his pure beauty. From this close, Taehyung’s able to locate a small beauty mark that adorns the tip of his nose, not too dissimilar to the one Taehyung owns. 

Every so often, Jeongguk would make eye contact and hold it no more than a couple of seconds before fixing his gaze back to his hands, twiddling his fingers for entertainment. The younger has this look to him, one that tells Taehyung he wants to address something but stops himself by biting his lip. There is tension floating in the air, words that hang on the tips of their tongue threatening to fall from their lips, but nothing is exchanged. 

Jeongguk sighs dramatically, it works to catch Taehyung's attention, lulling him out of his starstruck daze. “Do you-“ the younger bites the inside of his cheek, cutting himself off before facing Taehyung again. “Do you regret it?” 

Taehyung glances upward, his mouth purses but is slightly open and loose while mulling over his question. He blinks before snapping his mouth shut, realising what Jeongguk is asking. Taehyung can clearly see the panic simmering beneath the surface, the cracks of doubt in Jeongguk’s expression.  _ Do you regret what we did?  _

“No.” Because he doesn’t. No matter how wrong he knows this is, how he shouldn’t drag Jeongguk in his mess, he selfishly can’t bring himself to regret that night after enjoying it so much. Never has Taehyung felt so much for someone in a moment as intense as the one they shared. The pink blush on Jeongguk’s cheeks is visible even in the dim lights, giving away his embarrassment to Taehyung’s quick answer. The younger bites his lip whilst nodding his head, he doesn’t answer but Taehyung's certain he can see Jeongguk try to repress a small smile tugging at his lips. 

Taehyung attempts to fish for a topic, one that doesn’t lead him down the path of self reflection and icy realizations that there is no ending this attraction for the younger, this goes far beyond lust, Taehyung’s not naive enough to admit that. 

“Not that I have a problem with it, but why are you here?” Jeongguk beats him to it, facing him with a genuinely confused and curious expression. 

“I told you,” Jeongguk frowns then, tilting his head to the side in pure confusion now. “To sleep.” 

“Wait… you were serious?” 

Taehyung doesn’t look at the younger when he nods, something akin to shame and embarrassment at admitting to wanting to stay here. Taehyung isn’t usually the embarrassed type, and over something so simple as sleeping, a concept people are used to. He lifts his head when he hears shuffling, soft feet padding hardwood as Jeongguk moves around his room, picking up a small blanket. 

“You can help yourself to whatever, if you need anything, I’ll-“

“What are you doing?” Jeongguk pauses, turning back around to face Taehyung with obvious confusion. 

“Uh, I was going to-.” 

“Stay.”

Jeongguk blushes furiously, the scarlet colour spreading to his neck as he stands frozen, realisation hitting him. Taehyung finds the whole scene endearing as he advances towards the bed, sitting down at the headboard and patting the pace between next to him. “Please.”

This time, Jeongguk doesn’t hesitate as he nestles under his duvet, Taehyung following his lead. He makes no moves to strip free from his jeans and top, already assuming this won’t work and at some point he’ll have to leave. Probably when Jeongguk’s in a deep sleep while he stares at the younger enviously. 

Most of us live our lives in a constant struggle to fill the quiet with noise, afraid of what will happen when there’s nothing left to say, usually resulting in uncomfortableness. But right now, the pair lay in peaceful silence, gazing at each other and speaking with their eyes. The quiet moment almost feels precious, providing a small break in the chaos that is life. It’s from this close that Taehyung realises the younger probably had a shower before sleeping, his raven hair curls and clings to his forehead. On instinct, Taehyung lifts his arm to brush a stray strand away from his face. Realising what he’s just done, Taehyung goes to subtract his hand away from the younger's face but is stopped by Jeongguk’s hand. 

The younger curls his fingers around his own, resting their hands on the cushion between them. “So you can’t sleep?” Taehyung is too distracted by the younger playing with his fingers to answer, it’s not until he looks at Jeongguk’s questioning gaze that he nods. 

“Want to talk about it?” His tone is light and his face soft, a little coy perhaps, but his eyes don’t waiver and the intensity of his stare seems to extinguish the fear that was brewing.

“I have issues sleeping, I-“ was he really about to spill the content of his complications? Finally tell someone, other than his friends, his dark secrets, trusting Jeongguk enough to not pity him, looking down at him in disgust when he discovers what a fucked up man he is? But looking at Jeongguk’s soft, doe eyes makes him want to share everything, tell him all the fucked up shit he’s done and that has happened, watch as the younger boy’s face twists into something akin to horror and disgust. He’d tell him just so the younger would run away, keep his distance from Taehyung, for his own safety. 

“I find it difficult to sleep, more often than not I find myself awake at night, no matter how hard I try I never get a full night's rest.” He flutters his eyes close for a second before composing himself and opening them with determination. He’s met with Jeongguk’s unreadable gaze, staring at Taehyung intently.

“But what about the night when we- you slept over. It can’t be every night?” Jeongguk asks, a frown adorning his features in uncertainty.

“Actually,” Taehyung sighs, pausing to find the right words. “That was the first time I was able to sleep with… someone else in the room, let alone next to me.” Jeongguk’s frown only deepens, but he doesn’t stop playing with Taehyung’s fingers, it surprisingly works well as a good sedative for his nerves. “I don’t know how or why, but somehow I was able to sleep.” 

Jeongguk nods along, listening intently so Taehyung continues. “So I thought maybe- I don’t know, that it would happen again?” Come to think of it, Taehyung doesn’t know what Jeongguk did or if it was even Jeongguk to begin with. Maybe exhaustion finally caught up to him after being sleep deprived for so long? But it’s worth a try, for whatever reason he slept that night.

“What about the party, when I got drunk and stayed over. Why invite me round if you knew you couldn’t sleep? Or why you slept on the floor? You looked like you were asleep then, even though that didn’t look comfortable, you still slept. It doesn’t- …sorry.” 

Taehyung chuckles at the youngers rambling, watching Jeongguk flush somehow relaxes him slightly, his chest feels just that little bit lighter. “I didn’t say I never slept, just not for long, maybe 3-4 hours tops,” Jeongguk gasps at that, mouth opening faintly as if he wants to interject but stops himself. “I sleep best in that position, it’s a physiological thing I guess. I never grew out of it.” Taehyung shrugs nonchalantly. It goes much deeper than that, he knows the reason why he never grew out of it but he doesn’t want to bore Jeongguk with details. He’d rather keep the parts that makes him weaker out of it. 

“As for the reason why I invited you round…” Taehyung ponders over how best to explain the reason, he originally just wanted to make the younger flush, but then the idea of having Jeongguk stay round, be in his home, in his bed, became something he really wanted. He didn’t think of the consequences, having always slept like that, it became the norm to him. “If I’m honest, I don’t know what I was thinking, I didn’t think it a hundred perfect through.” The younger shallowly nods. Much to Taehyung’s relief, Jeongguk doesn’t comment on it further.

“Have you always slept like that?” Jeongguk asks gently, even though Taehyung can see how badly Jeongguk wants to ask more but he keeps his curiosity in check.

“Not always, but ever since I was a kid, yeah. In an unusual way, sleeping like that became my safety blanket. When I was little, I believed I could protect myself and anyone like that, I used to watch over my mum. It’s stupid, I know.” Taehyung chuckles but with no real humour.

“It’s not stupid.” that earns a scoff from Taehyung, but Jeongguk is reluctant to continue. “Taehyung, it’s  _ not _ stupid. Whatever happened to you in the past… it’s obviously had a big impact on you, and if that’s just how you cope with it then so be it. There's nothing wrong with sleeping a little differently.” Jeongguk clenches their hands, squeezing tightly in reassurance and it helps. Anyone else, Taehyung would shove them away, tell them to stop being ridiculous and play it off as no big deal, but he doesn’t want to do that with Jeongguk.

“You’re not going to tell me to get help? Say that this isn’t healthy or normal?” Jeongguk looks pained at that, but he continues to speak softly, watching himself brush a thumb over Taehyung’s knuckles. 

“No, because I know it's something you’ve probably heard a million times before. Getting help couldn't hurt, what's the worst that could happen? It doesn’t work and you still have issues with sleeping, but you move on and try new ideas. But i'm not going to tell you something you already know, everyone works at their own pace.” Taehyung's eyes are set and heavy, something akin to a dark look as he listens to the younger. There is just something so thrilling about watching the internal crisis Jeongguk underwent whenever he was around. If he’s honest, riling the younger up seems almost painfully easy to partake in, loves how flustered he becomes whenever Taehyung would flirt. It was all a game. However, those flirtations were never meant to carry him this far. But Taehyung soon came to realise there was so much more to Jeongguk than the shy boy he met. The latter is bright in ways he probably doesn’t even know. Out of all his friends, none of them prys for information like Jeongguk does, unless they feel it necessary. They’d all immediately worry and tell Taehyung how it wasn’t normal and that he must seek help, it’s all in their own loving way. But Jeongguk doesn’t do any of that, he’s much more understanding. 

So he kisses him then, effortlessly leaning in to steal the younger's lips and merge them perfectly with his own as if it is a puzzle. He swallows Jeongguk’s gasps, kissing him with so much passion. Time slows, like this — every drag of their lips feels like wading through molasses, sugar-sweet. Everything else falls away, fades out of existence; all Taehyung knows anymore is that he doesn’t want this to end, never wants to stop feeling like this. That warm feeling engulfing Taehyung’s entire being in its tempting grasp. Feeling as if, for once, Taehyung is worth loving. He focuses on the way Jeongguk’s lips slide against his, detaching and pressing their lips together repeatedly at uneven intervals.

Taehyung is shocked to discover Jeongguk being the first to move, sitting up to shuffle closer, leaning on one elbow without disconnecting their lips. He cards his fingers through the younger's hair, tugging at the ends faintly, eliciting a sharp gasp that gives him full access to Jeongguk’s mouth. His tongue immediately darts out, tracing over the younger’s lips, his teeth, before licking into his mouth. Jeongguk moans brokenly, sending jolts of pleasure south. Taehyung tilts his head, adding more delicious pleasure to their lips. He doesn’t think he'll ever get sick of this feeling, having never experienced anything like this before, the heat, the passion, it was all so new. It feels like the entire world slips away, the pair being what remains, their lips molding together keeping them grounded. 

Jeongguk continues to shuffle their bodies closer, not wanting any space left between them. The angle is slightly awkward, leaning on one elbow doesn't give Taehyung all the access he desires, so he sits up, breaking their kiss and leans against the headboard. Taehyung propels Jeongguk up by the waist, a tiny yelp freeing from his lungs as he lands in the elders lap. He surges forward, capturing the younger's mouth with his own, this time the kiss is much more heated, tongues running over each other. The younger begins to suck and nibble on his lower lip, surprising Taehyung by his bold move, eliciting soft groans and hums. They trail their hands all over each other's bodies, Taehyung grasping his thigh and squeezes whilst the younger links his hands around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer. In the heat of the moment, Taehyung can feel the brief hesitation in Jeongguk’s movements. Polite fingertips curl at the hem of his top, tracing around that area before trailing his hands underneath, skin touching skin. Taehyung snaps out of his haze, hand lashing out to grab his wrist.

“Don’t.” Jeongguk swallows, avoiding eye contact as he apologises and moves to get off Taehyung’s lap. Taehyung instantly feels guilty, hoping to never see Jeongguk look so rejected again.

Taehyung instantly places his hand on the younger's thigh to keep him seated, provoking a soft look lining Jeongguk’s features. Taehyung reaches for the hem of his top, not breaking eye contact as he lifts without a second thought. He throws the garment haphazardly onto the floor, not giving himself a chance to ponder over what he’s doing since it’s now too late. He intensely watches Jeongguk closely examine his now exposed chest, eyes trailing his skin and stopping at the long, jagged scar snaking the left side of his hip. 

Jeongguk reaches a hand out but stops an inch away from his inflamed skin, looking up and Taehyung as if silently asking for permission. He doesn’t know why he’s trusting Jeongguk so much, having never willingly wanted to show someone his scar, a reminder of how he was once weak. Taehyung remembers when Yoongi first discovered it, he was pissed out of his head. Taehyung being the stubborn drunk that he is, Yoongi had to help him into bed, stripping him of his opposing clothes. It was the next day that his friend asked where the scar came from, Taehyung told him honestly during one of their sessions, getting high in Yoongi’s room. The latter was the first person Taehyung ever told of his secret, it felt right considering Yoongi was there during it all. 

Taehyung slowly nods his head, giving Jeongguk the permission he needs to touch him. Jeongguk’s touch is light, gentle fingers trace over his skin, mapping out his scar as the elder shivers before closing his eyes, basking in the foreign feelings. 

“What happened?” Jeongguk whispers, his voice faint. Taehyung would’ve missed it if his gaze wasn’t set on the younger's lips, watching him mouth the words as his warm breath hits his face. 

“When I was thirteen,” Taehyung starts, catching Jeongguk’s gaze while he continues to draw over his skin. “I was a little push over back then. My father used to beat me and my older brother every chance he had. But it was mostly me, I was his easy target.”

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Jeongguk says after Taehyung pauses, bringing his other hand up to rest on Taehyung’s chest. Strangely enough, Taehyung  _ wants _ to talk about it. For the first time, he doesn’t mind opening up to Jeongguk about something as tragic as this. Maybe it’s the alcohol that still lingers in his system, loosening his mouth, or maybe he’ll regret all this in the morning. But for now, he doesn’t see how that’s possibly when Jeongguk looks at him like that, like he’s someone worth caring for.

“My brother used to beat me for thinking I was weak, telling me it’s for my own good and that I should learn to defend myself from our father.” Taehyung chuckles with no real humour. “The night before it happened, was the first night I slept on the floor. Our father had left for a while, our mother was crying that night, blaming herself for the situation we were in. So I comforted her, slept beside her on the floor.” Jeongguk’s looks at him with sad eyes, slowly nodding along as if he’s taking in each detail carefully. 

“He came back that morning. Having spent our money for gambling, he came back for more, but we didn’t have any so he beat my brother, Juwon and our mother. I-” Taehyung hesitates, his neck starting to grow hot and sweaty. He reminds himself why he’s here, why he has to not panic and make an excuse to leave. He squeezes Jeongguk’s thigh once to ground himself, hating how sweaty his palms get. It’s worse than the way they tremble. A stupid human function that Taehyung doesn’t really understand the evolutionary benefit of. But Jeongguk seems to realise his nerves since he laces Taehyung's hands with his own. 

“I was so young at the time that I just didn’t know what to do. In the end I ran. I was so upset about the state my mother and brother was in, that I thought irrationally and grabbed this knife. Anyway, it backfired and I was the one to get stabbed. That's how I got this scar. Luckily our dad left for a few days after that and the cut wasn’t too deep, but I knew It’d leave a mark.” Taehyung finishes. It’s weird to say it all out loud, having only acknowledged it in his head. Even his other hyungs, he never told them the fall story, only briefly explaining what happened. 

“After that night,” he adds before Jeongguk can comment, not quite ready for the younger to judge or pity him. “I never left my mother's side again, always refusing to sleep on my own bed in order to watch over her. That’s how it started, when sleeping upright on the floor became my safe haven.” Taehyung smiles brokenly, finally looking up to face the younger, expecting a “sorry” and a pitied expression. 

But he was wrong. As soon as he does look up, there’s soft lips on his. There’s no hunger or lust, this kiss expresses a different sentiment all together. He’s heard sorry a million times by others, sorry that no one noticed, no one helped, sorry they had to go through all that trauma. If he’s honest, he hates that word, hates how people apologise for something that happened in the past, something they didn’t do. It’d make him feel so weak, something he promised he wouldn’t be again. So he learnt from this, became better, hurt people before they could hurt him. He hates floating on the edge of pain but he hates that he pushes himself to hurt and hurt. But most of all, he hates how those people would never understand how broken his family is, that they'd complain about minor issues which would make Taehyung’s blood boil because people are so selfish. He’s never had a loving family, there’s no such thing. 

But this, with Jeongguk curved lips softly touching his, their mouths working together in a steady, unrushed rhythm. This feels more meaningful, like Jeongguk’s telling him it’s okay and that he cares. 

It’s a bit later on, when Jeongguk rests his head on Taehyung naked chest, tracing imaginary patterns with his fingertips. When they talk about little stories, Taehyung explains how Yoongi was the only one to care for him, taking him in when everything came spiralling downhill, when he met the other hyungs not long after. He avoids explaining how he escaped, where his mother or brother is now, Taehyung’s not ready to talk about that, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be. He speaks about his mother, how loving and beautiful she was, the younger listens intently with a small smile. Jeongguk shares stories after stories about his childhood, explaining how his parents are barely around and his relationship with his brother. Jeongguk’s nose wrinkles when he laughs, teeth on display and making him that much cuter when he tells a particular story about his childhood with Namjoon. Taehyung’s mesmerised by the younger, unable to believe it’s all real. Moments like these are precious to him, providing him with a warm feeling, strangely content and happy. That’s when Taehyung realises how much he needs Jeongguk, and for the first time, wishes he was good enough for the younger, that he wasn’t the monster that he is today. 

He eventually falls asleep to that thought, with Jeongguk trancing circles on his chest. At one point in the night, he’s sure Namjoon peeked his head in, making eye contact with the shocked brother before his face softens, Namjoon smiling briefly and then leaving. But Taehyung guesses it was just a dream. 

  
  


*

  
  


It’s a couple of weeks later, Taehyung’s eating out with the others, a cheap, fast food restaurant since they can’t exactly afford such luxuries as five star meals each time they meet. Both Jeongguk and Jimin are attending their last few lectures before breaking up for summer. Jimin’s in his last year of university, a different one to the one Jeongguk attends, one that specialises in arts, more specifically, Jimin is a dance major. So it's 5 out of seven, the first time in a while that a big group of them is out in one place.

Taehyung’s spent the majority of his days working, catching up on sketches for work, clients asking for specific styles and images. It was nice, peaceful even but he hasn’t spent much time with his friends, let alone Jeongguk. He slept surprisingly good with the younger, well, as good as he could sleep. His mind won’t let him forget that tranquil night, if he’s honest, Taehyung hasn’t tried to forget either. He hasn’t had a chance to see Jeongguk since he woke up late the next morning to find the latter in the kitchen, cooking what Taehyung could only assume was bacon. But he had burnt it, badly. Jeongguk was distraught, apologising as they ate cereal the entire time. Taehyung found the whole scene endearing, it was hard to keep his grin in check for the rest of the day. 

But they’ve texted, a lot actually. Usually they ask each other what they’ve been up to, how their day has been. Taehyung would ask about his uni whilst Jeongguk would ask about his work, forcing Taehyung to send photos of each drawing. The younger would always reply with praises, it would never fail to make Taehyung smile, fondness consuming him. He doesn’t remember how they became so close so suddenly, but he doesn’t care. There’s still that overwhelming feeling in his stomach, a reminder that he’s not good enough for the younger, that what he’s feeling isn’t real. It’s like a voice chanting it in his head every chance it gets. It’s usually when Taehyung’s at his most vulnerable, on the verge of sleep or whenever he gets some free time. He tries so desperately to push the thoughts away, or to the back of his mind at the very least. But they never cease to disappear, always reminding Taehyung of his worth. 

He can’t entirely pinpoint the exact moment this was no longer a game for him. That Jeongguk was more than just the blushing boy he originally planned to rile up, see how far he could take from the younger. The vague affection in their relationship seems to be more prominent, even without explicitly saying so. Something about Jeongguk always coaxes him into sharing the more genuine parts of himself, including his own harsh self-criticism. Like when he just couldn’t get this one piece right, Jeongguk pried his issues out of him until Taehyung laid the content of his problems on the table for the younger to reach and help. Once Taehyung had started to reveal parts of himself beyond the surface, it became clear that Jeongguk means a lot more to him than anyone ever has before, and that scares him. Taehyung’s doing everything in his willpower to not listen to his flight response, to not cower away from his foreign feelings. Because for once, he wants to be good enough for the younger.

It's crazy to think how much Jeongguk has affected him in such a short amount of time. The younger is like a wildfire that spreads its flame to Taehyung's whole being, suffocating him until he gives into the burn. Jeongguk can never be condensed down into cliche words such as “handsome or “pretty”; it's far too vague. No words can describe how Jeongguk makes him feel, he’s not used to this sappy crap.

“So, You and Jimin?” Hoseok inquires suddenly, earning a groan and an overly salted chip to the face by Yoongi. Hoseok and Namjoon break out in fits of giggles while Yoongi scowls at the pair.

“I heard that he was the one to admit his feelings first.” Namjoon adds, clearly not reading Yoongi’s ‘fuck off’ demeanor. “And that bad boy, Min Yoongi, cried.”

“No, it was a conversation where we both confessed equally. And I did  _ not  _ cry. So everyone can eat shit.” Yoongi protests lamely.

Taehyung releases a snort of laughter. “Hyung, you so did cry. You were practically sobbing about how much you miss him.” Seokjin’s signature cackle can be heard over everyone else's giggles.

“You can fuck right off.” Yoongi exclaims, pointing a threatening chip in Taehyung's direction.

“So, you’re both dating now?” Taehyung receives a curt nod from Yoongi. “I can’t believe you never told me, your best friend. I should’ve been the first to know.” He feigns sulking, pretending to pout. Yoongi doesn’t comment on that, only facing Taehyung with a cocked brow. His face sobers when he realises Yoongi never got the chance to explain what happened, they never finished their conversation before Taehyung had an episode. Luckily, no one comments on the weird change in atmosphere.

“I swear Min Yoongi, you better treat my cousin right or i’ll murder you in your sleep.” Seokjin threatens after a while, causing Yoongi to swallow his chip before slowly nodding. Seokjin smiles in victory. 

Taehyung’s also grinning widely, amused at his hyungs antics. “You look a lot happier recently, what’s up with that?” Hoseok’s voice earns everyone’s attention. The latter is teasing him, Taehyung knows, but he feels like a deer caught in headlights. He wouldn't be surprised if he resembled that description.

Before he gets a chance to answer, Seokjin is quick to snap his head in Taehyung’s direction, scanning him over. “You don’t look so drained either,” he continues to receive odd stares from the others. 

“Tae, have you been sleeping?” Hoseok suddenly concludes, excitement obvious in the way his face lights up and eyes blown wide. Taehyung’s about to protect, to explain that no, he hasn’t been sleeping that well if you disclude the night with Jeongguk. But he stops when glancing at Namjoon, the latter being oddly quiet which sets Taehyung on edge because memories of the night with Jeongguk come flooding back. He no longer thinks Namjoon walking in on them was a dream. 

“He has.” Taehyung's mouth gapes at Namjoons matter-of-fact comment, similarly to everyone else's expression. “Thanks to a certain brother of mine.” 

_ Shit _

“I knew I saw you.” Taehyung speaks under his breath, amazed. He doesn’t dare look at the others, knowing they’re all just as stunned as he is, especially when he hears Seokjin chock around his drink, splattering everywhere. Silence envelopes them for a few moments, Taehyung can feel stares burning holes in his face, but he doesn’t look up. 

“Aren’t you going to scold me? Tell me to stay away from him?” Taehyung says, harsher than necessary. 

“Not anymore, it’s different now.” Namjoon says calmly, used to Taehyung being defensive. The latter frowns in utter confusion. 

“How?” 

“Because before… I didn’t know your intentions.” Taehyung wants to gulp but he keeps his expression skillfully in check. “I knew he’d end up liking you one way or another. I didn’t want to see him hurt, either of you. I honestly didn’t believe you’d reciprocate his feelings.” Taehyung wants to protest but he swallows it, he’s done lying to his friends. It physically drains him. 

“But I see how much you need him, he’s good for you and I think you’ll be good for him.” Taehyung nibbles on his lip, deciding not to argue with Namjoon. Because he isn’t good for Jeongguk, he knows he isn’t. But he wants to be. 

“Trust yourself because I do.” Taehyung snaps his head up, breathing in deeply. Namjoon is smiling softly, his stone heart about ready to crumble at the sight. 

“You really trust me?” Namjoon nods as an answer, his soft smile growing in size. Taehyung can’t express how he feels right now, knowing he’s undeserving of his hyungs trust. But he wants to be, he wasn’t to be someone deserving of everyone's trust.

“I’m not saying Jeongguk has cured your insomnia, but he certainly helps. And at the very least, he clearly makes you happy, I can see you need him.” Taehyung doesn’t need anyone, really. Not in that sense. But Jeongguk gives him a lot of things he needs, things he thought he swore to never receive, things he wants to feel but is too afraid to feel them. But he’s working on it. Taehyung sighs, nodding for no reason to his hyung, but Namjoon smiles all the same.

“Okay what the fuck have I just missed.” And Taehyung can’t help the smile that threatens his lips, the laugh forcing its way out at Hoseok’s shock. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMGGGGGG!!!  
> I’ve been so excited to post this chapter, (as well as the last one,) since I came up with this idea! I hope everyone isn’t too upset, it just gets more angst-y from here, but remember the “happy ending” tag.  
> I hope I portrayed the depth of Taehyung’s insomnia well enough and it wasn’t too confusing.  
> The italic sections are flashbacks of his past, memories of his childhood to help you guys understand what happened to him and why he’s the way he is.  
> I really liked this chapter and I hope you guys do too!  
> As always, any questions feel free to ask. I appreciate all the love you guys have given this story, it’s honestly the best feeling when people appreciate your work.  
> Remember, comments and kudos keep an author alive! :D x  
> My twitter is here: [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)


	7. VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeongguk stops frozen, his racing heart coming to an abrupt stop before picking up once again. That bubbling feeling that was inevitably growing in the pit of his stomach explodes, now spreading across his whole body, feeling as if it’s taken shelter there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see...

When Jeongguk was younger, if anyone asked him what he dreamed of becoming when he grew up, the answer would always remain the same; happy. Never such conventional answers like someone famous, just someone who is happy.

He painted this perfect picture of adult Jeongguk, living contently with a wife and two kids. A well paying job but nothing too greedy. 

His mother and father did nothing but work; work at their job; work abroad so their sons would rarely see their parents, work at neglecting their children. Every so often they would return home, a brief visit with few smiles and laughs - and when they did, it felt like a family again, but it’s always short-lived, eventually returning back to their whirl of work. 

He saw the lack of love between his parents and uses that as motivation, something he doesn’t want for himself. Being there for someone is what a real relationship needs. Jeongguk’s parents used to be inseparable in his eyes but looking back, he realises how many problems they had. The constant bickering and fighting, screaming in the middle of the night and keeping young Jeongguk up. When people neglect to put effort in is when things don’t work out, Jeongguk learnt that from his parents and inspires to not make the same mistake.

If you put in that extra effort for someone that can reciprocate it, love can be the greatest feeling one can ever feel. That’s what Jeongguk wants for himself, to love and be loved. That’s his form of happiness. 

The only thing now is, he never expected for love to come in the form of other men. He no longer pictures himself with a wife with long beautiful hair, delicate in the way she acts and is kind towards others. Now, every time he pictures himself falling in love it’s always the same image. Whereas before it was a nameless face, this time the image is vivid and it comes in the form of olive skin and dark, long hair. 

A man.

Jeongguk wouldn't go as far as call what he feels for Taehyung love, that word being reserved for someone who would reciprocate his feelings, someone he would know more about. But he wouldn’t call what he feels for the elder a crush, Jeongguk would like to think he feels a stronger sentiment than that. But Taehyung is someone Jeongguk can see himself loving in time, someone he wants to get to know more, discover what makes Taehyung himself. He’s scared he’s falling for someone who may not fall at all.

But then the other night happened, Jeongguk was able to discover more about Taehyung then he ever thought he would, and he hasn’t even scraped the surface yet. Since knowing his hyungs, everyone has warned him about Taehyung, mentioning how unforgettable shit has happened to him. As brief as their explanations were, Jeongguk was still able to guess it was something to do with his childhood and it somehow linked with his insomnia. But after Taehyung opened up to some of his past, he discovered his initial theories were correct. However, he just never took into consideration how deep Taehyung’s trauma lies. Jeongguk has an inkling he's barely covered the surface yet.

For Taehyung to willingly seek Jeongguk’s company and open up like he did, makes the latter feel pride in knowing he’s wanted. But it’s more than that, it’s that  _ Taehyung _ wanted him. He admires Taehyung more for trusting Jeongguk like he did, it makes his feelings for the elder blossom into something stronger. 

Since that night, Jeongguk has been busy with end of semester work, not having much leisure time to see his hyungs. He loathed his endless nights, hunched over his desk and cursing his professor to hell for this heavy amount of work. It was times like these that Jeongguk wished he applied for something more creative, spending a vast majority of his time painting and drawing rather than painfully studying. But there’s no point in dwelling over his mistake since there's no changing his major, so he spent an efficient amount of his days revising, having almost had his near death experience with the overflow of work, but he was proud to officially be done with his academic year. 

If it wasn’t for Namjoon, Jeongguk probably would’ve missed each meal in order to finish his work. He was good like that. 

At first, Jeongguk was scared that Namjoon noticed Taehyung's presence the other night, maybe heard them whispering amounts themselves. Yet, he never bought it up, so Jeongguk can only assume he was too oblivious to notice.

It’s only when Namjoon begins to send him these looks; ones that tell Jeongguk his brother knows something. It’s at those moments he questions if Namjoon knows more than he leads on. 

Jimin is in a similar boat, having also finished his semester for his last year at university. The pair find themselves mentally drained from the tiresome amount of work, not being able to see each other for over a couple of weeks, let alone anyone else. But he assured to remain in contact with his hyungs, himself and Jimin often texting; moaning about their course. Sometimes Jeongguk would get the odd encouraging texts from Seokjin, reassuring him and offering his help where he can. But he especially texted Taehyung, the latter would often ask how his days were while Jeongguk would almost always respond the same; bored and done with being a business major before going off in some tangent about anything that spiked his interest that day. Jeongguk would return the question and the elder would reply with the same energy. They’d often laugh and joke about random shit, at one point the pair had a debate about whether milk should go in the bowl before or after cereal. _ ‘Obviously milk goes in the bowl after the cereal, everyone knows that’,  _ Taehyung had said, to which Jeongguk almost sent a bigger essay about how milk comes  _ first  _ compared to his actual business essay. 

For a while, it's been nice, but Jeongguk just itched for more. They still haven’t spoken about their eventful night in detail, and after Taehyung admitted to not regretting what they did, they just… moved on with the conversation. Selfishly hoping it wasn't a one time thing. Their busyness didn’t erase Jeongguk’s growing feelings, he was hoping not being able to see each other would help quell the want burning inside him. If anything, the distance only worked to make Jeongguk more touch craved.

However, he can now finally stew in his own contentment. It had taken hours upon hours, but both himself and Jimin are finally finished with their semester. 

“Me and Yoongi are dating.” 

Jeongguk halts mid chew, having only just shoved a spoonful of Bibimbap in his mouth. He’s out celebrating with Jimin, the pair choosing to go out for a meal since they’ve been living off instant ramen for the past few days. After being deprived of proper food and Seokjin’s endless

scolding, they both decided it would be good to venture to one of their local restaurants. 

He attempts to speak around his mouthful but the words come out incoherent, so he quickly chews the remains of his food before swallowing, looking stunned at the elder. 

“Wait… what?” Is all Jeongguk manages to voice, continuing to stare at the elder whilst Jimin elicits a snort at his confusion before settling with an amused look. 

“Me and Yoongi hyung, we’re dating.” 

The elder appears more bashful after having to say his statement a second time, but a faint smile of affection is etched across his lips. After the words finally settle in his head, Jeongguk breaks out into a wide smile, slapping his chopsticks down harsher than necessary to give his full attention to Jimin. 

“When did this happen?” Jeongguk’s smile only broadens when he can discern Jimin’s shyness, obvious in the way he slightly blushes. 

“You remember when Yoongi came over drunk?” Jeongguk thinks back to a few weeks ago, almost having forgotten Yoongi’s drunken dilemma. That was when him and Taehyung… Jeongguk gulps before nodding. 

“That long? Hyung, that was weeks ago, you shit.” Jeongguk feign’s offence while pouting.

“Don’t give me that look,” Jimin rolls his eyes at Jeongguk’s antics. “I would’ve told you sooner, but we had university work and shit. I wanted to tell you in person, so I waited.” 

“For over two weeks! Does Namjoon know? I swear, if that shit knows before me-“ Jeongguk sighs, waving a hand in a dismissive manner. “Fine fine, tell me everything that happened. I thought Hyung was too drunk to walk straight let alone have a serious conversation?” 

“He was, I put him to bed not long after you and Taehyung left.”

“So…” 

“So, it wasn’t until the morning that we managed to have a serious conversation.” Jeongguk nods along, tightly closing his mouth in a means to not interrupt Jimin, allowing the latter to continue. “He was hungover yeah, but he was so worried I was going to end… whatever it was that we had, that he insisted we talked.”

“I was reluctant at first, was still feeling pretty pissed. But after noticing how desperate he seemed, I gave in because I’m weak for him.” Jimin faintly blushes again, glancing at his now cold meal before facing the younger. “He confessed first, kind of just blurted it out.” A chuckle. “I didn’t respond for a while, was too stunned to speak. But I eventually told him how I feel, and, well… you can guess the rest.” He finishes with a fond smile, spurring an equal, if not wider smile from Jeongguk. 

He’s happy for his Hyung, can see how much the two suit each other. They’re the complete polar opposite; where Jimin is a social butterfly, Yoongi appears enigmatic, not one to open up easily. But they complement each other. Yoongi may come across like he doesn’t care, and Jeongguk might not have known the guy for that long, but he can see the fondness the elder has for his friends. It’s subtle gestures; allowing Jimin to drag him around, pretending to be annoyed at Jin’s ridiculous jokes but smiles when he thinks no one is looking. People may not notice, but Jeongguk does. 

“Hyung, I’m happy for you.” Jimin doesn’t answer, but he smiles an endearing smile. 

“Hey, Jeongguk,” Jimin begins to speak after they had settled in comfortable silence, gaining Jeongguk’s attention again. He recognises the tone; it means that the new topic may be one Jeongguk won’t like. “You know you can talk to me, right?” 

Jeongguk swallows but nods for the elder to continue despite the suddenness. His lips pursed together, his tongue coming out to wet them before leaning against his chair. He’s not nervous, not really. Jimin can tell he’s holding himself back, Jeongguk notices the elders soft look, not fading until Jeongguk continues. 

“Jeongg-“ 

“I'm confused.” A pause. “I think, no-“ he cuts himself off sharply. His chopsticks clinking against his now empty bowl, sitting up against the restaurant’s chair complemently. “I know I like someone-“

“Taehyung.”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen in shock horror, not expecting Jimin to out him like he did. He doesn’t mean to, but he gapes like a goldfish, not knowing if he should deny Jimin’s suspect or admit to him being right. Instead he remains silent.

“It’s kind of obvious, y’know?” Jimin’s features soften when he notices Jeongguk tense. He has that look again, the one that Jeongguk knows means Jimin’s going to talk about something he doesn’t want to talk about. 

Jeongguk sighs. 

“Shit.” He scratches the back of his head, slumping back in his chair completely. Jeongguk isn’t annoyed at Jimin calling him out, in fact, he feels kind of relieved, he no longer has to tiptoe around the elder about his emotions regarding Taehyung. He’s annoyed because he never intended to be so obvious, he thought his poker face was better than that. Jeongguk is okay with Jimin knowing, but if he is as obvious and Jimin claims, then who else knows?

_ Namjoon kept giving you knowing looks _ . Jeongguk closes his eyes and sighs once again.

“Jeongguk, it’s okay.” 

He nods, eyes remaining close. “Yeah.”

It’s not okay, Jeongguk doesn’t feel okay with this. Like he said, he’s relieved Jimin knows, it saves Jeongguk from building up the courage to admit to someone, other than himself, that his feelings for Taehyung go further than just lust. 

But he supposes if anyone had to find out, he’s glad it’s Jimin. Jeongguk strangely trusts him considering they’ve only known each other for a few months, it feels far longer. He can't remember a time when Jimin wasn’t in his life, the same with all of his hyungs really. 

“If you don’t want to talk about it-“

“No, it’s fine.” He takes in a deep breath before releasing. “I just- I wasn’t expecting this ‘s all.” Jimin nods understandingly. Again, he hasn’t known the elder long, but he’s learnt a few things from him. For example; Jimin would remain quiet when Jeongguk speak’s, never showing much sign of what he’s thinking. It works to keep words flowing from the younger’s mouth, continuing to spill the contexts of his stories. Jeongguk doesn’t like the silence so he fills it with endless words, not stopping until he’s said everything that needs to be said. Jeongguk noticed his little trick early on, and it never ceases to fail.

“Yeah, I like Taehyung.” He sighs.

Jeongguk watches Jimin inhale a sharp breath, fearing what the elder might think but makes sure not to show that fear, keeping his face neutral. Though, he supposes it's pointless now, Jimin already knows. He might as well just rip the bandaid off like last time.

Before Jeongguk gets a chance to continue, Jimin’s expressionless face falters into something kinder, his lips twitch before breaking out into a small smile. However, Jeongguk doesn’t feel relieved, he recognises the smile as a sad one; genuine but sad nevertheless. It does nothing to ease his nerves.

“I knew it.”

“...”

“So,”

“So…” Jeongguk echos. 

He concentrates on Jimin’s eyes, searching for any clue as to what he's currently thinking. He releases a short breath after finding nothing.

“I-I’m just confused.” He heaves a heavy sigh, eyes never wavering away from Jimin’s incase he gives way to something, anything Jeongguk can discern so he knows what his friend is thinking. But the elder remains silent. “I feel like that’s all I’ve been feeling recently,” Finally, Jimin narrows his eyes slightly, trying to understand what Jeongguk means. “Confused.”

He seems to understand, for his face softens, his sad smile returning.

“Taehyung…” a sigh. “He’s- I’ve known him for a good portion of my life, yet I'm still finding new and different ways to understand him.” Jeongguk keeps his voice at bay, allowing Jimin a chance to shed light on his notion. “For as long as I have known him, he's never once shown much interest in someone, let alone a committed relationship.” Jeongguk hums, half expecting this already.

“He’s had flings yeah, but nothing that lasts. Taehyung never appeared genuine when I asked about his partners. Eventually, I gave up after learning he’d break it off with them in a fews weeks. I don't know why he bothered when he clearly wasn't into it, but I never asked, just let him get on with it.” Jimin shrugs.

He chews on the bottom of his lip moderately, possibly doing it out of habit. “I don’t know how much you know about Taehyung, but he's never had it easy. His childhood…” Jimin trials off, clearing his throat before continuing. “It was just shit, to say the least. Which is why he’s a bit of an enigma at times. That being said, with you…”

Oh fuck.

“I’m not claiming to know how Taehyung feels completely, but…”

Jeongguk clicks his fingers, braising himself for what’s to come. He has a hunch, but he doesn't want to believe it to be true, just so he can save himself a possible heartbreak later on. Jeongguk’s not naive enough to believe someone would open up about there deepest despair just for a quick fuck. Plus, Taehyung wouldn’t hurt him, he puts his trust in the elder. He finds himself feeling more and more at ease with Taehyung as each day passes, growing closers to each other. While it is one thing to have feelings for Taehyung, it seems like an entirely different thing to also feel like he is becoming his closest friend. 

With a crush, people would at least have the benefit to some degree of anonymity. A crush holds the connotation that feelings are no more than skin deep. But somewhere down the line, Jeongguk grew to learn far more about Taehyung than he’d ever anticipated, and that makes him believe his feelings are no longer ‘skin deep.’

“I know he really cares for you.”

Jeongguk really tries not to smile, he does. He doesn’t want to keep his hopes up, he pushes away the shred of hope Jimin provided him with. Instead it makes him sad, knowing that his feelings may not be reciprocated. 

“Do you want to know how I know?”

Jeongguk slowly nods.

“It was at Yun-Sun’s party.” Jeongguk tried really hard to forget that party, he doesn’t want to remember Hojin who insulted both himself and Jimin. Nor does he want to remember the amount of alcohol he consumed in little time, being in such a drunken haze that he could barely walk or talk. Yeah, he tries to forget that night. “Taehyung was so concerned, I was shocked when he insisted you stayed with him because, well… he has difficulty with sleeping.”

“I know.”

“You know?” Jimin questions, lifting an eyebrow.

“I do.”

“Right.” Jimin nods. “Well, I never expected him to do that. He got very protective of you, he was seething. Taehyung wouldn’t act that way if he didn’t care. He kept giving you these looks, like if he looked away for a second then something would happen to you. And you; you look at him with so much endearment. It's obvious, y’know?”

He nods along, finding there being no point in denying any of this. Jimin is right, he now realises how obvious he must've come across. Jeongguk reminds himself to work on his poker face later on. 

“I don’t know what it is, maybe you both care deeply in a platonic way-“ Jimin pauses, observing Jeongguk closely, causing the latter to hold his breath. “Or maybe it’s not. I’m guessing by your ‘caught red handed' expression that it’s not platonic at all.” 

Right, work on your poker face, Jeongguk thinks. Though it’s too late now, so he nodes his head, agreeing with Jimin whilst looking anywhere but at the other. He does so as a means to hide his guilty face he no doubts holds. 

“Oh fuck,”

… 

“Have you two-?” Jimin trails off, raising his eyebrows. Jeongguk doesn’t need to be explained to, he understands the look. 

“Kind of.” Jeongguk swallows thickly, building the courage to face Jimin straight on. “We… uh- We didn’t have sex but, you know. Other shit.”

Jimin seems to be thinking deeply, his eyes searching Jeongguk for sincerity as if he was lying. After a few painful seconds he sighs heavily. “Right.” Jimin says as he nods, most likely confirming it to himself. 

“Okay, I- Jeongguk,” 

Jeongguk hums. 

“Just be careful, okay?” He frowns at this, feels as if Jimin’s trying to suggest Taehyung isn’t someone Jeongguk should associate with, almost as if he’s dangerous, like he’s being warned. Jeongguk’s gradually became to know Taehyung, came to observe he’s not the scowling bad boy he tries to portray. There’s a lot more to him than that. 

“Taehyung won’t hurt me, I don’t get why everyone is painting him like he’s some villain.” 

“He wouldn’t hurt you intentionally.” Jeongguk goes to protest but smacks his lips together. Taehyung isn’t a bad guy, not at all, but Jimin has a point. How can he disagree when he himself doesn’t even know where he stands with Taehyung. 

With each passing day, Jeongguk wonders what it’d be like to love Taehyung, what it’d feel like. 

He supposes it’d feel like a fire. So warm and pretty, used as a blanket of sorts, kind of like a shelter. Warm and content yet so dangerous. So destructive, burning everything in its path. A fires purpose is to burn everything it touches, despite it intending to it not. 

Jeongguk can’t imagine loving Taehyung would be an easy ride, so a fire best suits the feeling. 

“Look,” Jimin begins again, earning Jeongguk’s attention. “No one is painting Taehyung as a villain, we love him. But I don’t know what his intentions are with you, he’s never cared this much about someone.”

“I know he does, but he cares about you too. Yoongi, Hoseok, all of his hyungs. He cares.” Jeongguk remarks.

“But we’re his friends,” Jeongguk goes to protest, opening his mouth ready but Jimin beats him to it. “And friends don’t fuck other friends.” Jeongguk snaps his mouth shut.

“Friends don’t look at each other the way you look at Taehyung. I thought that maybe I was just seeing things, that I was over thinking. But the fact that you guys have been with each other physically and that he’s told you of his insomnia, confirms my theory. He doesn’t do that to just anyone. Hell, he didn’t tell us until a year ago, I had no idea.”

That’s a long time for Taehyung to keep this from them, he wonders if Yoongi has always known. “I knew something wasn’t right. When I stayed round, he just looked so tired, you know?” Jeongguk begins to voice. “And when I found him sleeping like that, sitting up against the bed and sweating, I just-“

Jeongguk cuts himself off sharply upon noticing Jimin regarding him with a confused look. “What do you mean?” Jimin questions.

Jeongguk takes in a sharp breath, fearful that he just shared a secret that wasn’t his to share. But doesn’t Jimin know? Surely he would since he's one of Taehyung’s closest friends. “I- has he not told you?”

“Taehyung told me he struggles sleeping, yeah. That he’ll lose a few hours of sleep if he’s not alone. But- he doesn’t sleep on his bed?” Jeongguk bits his bottom lip again, a nervous gesture he finds comfort in. It’s got to the point where he barely notices he does it anymore, not until he pierces skin.

Jeongguk feels like he’s just been caught stealing money out of his mother’s purse. He avoids eye contact with Jimin, not wanting to face his curious frown, having no clue how to save himself from the conversation. So he doesn’t.

“I think you need to talk to Taehyung.” Jimin eventually says, a small smile tugging at his lips. It eases Jeongguk slightly. But he knows he won’t talk to Taehyung, he doesn’t want whatever it is they have to end. If having to live knowing Taehyung doesn’t want more, that he was just allowing Jeongguk to merely experiment with his sexuality but would never want more. Then it’s enough, for now, it’s enough. 

“I know.” 

“But you won’t.” Jimin smiles knowingly. 

“I won’t.”

Jeongguk wonders at what moment in these past few months that Jimin began to know him so well. 

  
  


***

  
  


Obviously the meal with Jimin was nice, their conversation regarding Jeongguk’s feelings aside. But, Seokjin made such a fuss about not seeing Jeongguk for weeks that he demanded they all went round Namjoon for a few drinks. He expected Namjoon to complain, moan about having to host and pick up after everyone like he usually does. Instead he was quite happy to agree, putting up no fuss whatsoever. 

Jeongguk won’t pretend to be annoyed. Even though he craves to sleep for a week, he's actually really missed his Hyungs. He missed Hoseok's bubbly personality, Seokjin cackling at his own dad jokes. Jeongguk even misses Yoongi's bad temper, complaining about how loud everyone is. 

And Taehyung. He’s really missed him.

Their conversations have been nice over text, but Jeongguk craves more. It’s not to say he’s expecting anything from the elder, again, Jeongguk doesn’t know where he stands in that sense. But to just see him again, fall witness to his wide smile, the one where he shows all his teeth, is enough to feed his cravings.

“Hoseok, if you don’t get the fuck off me I will throtall you.” Yoongi grits out. Attempting to pry Hoseok, who is currently snuggling close to his side, off. His arm is fully healed, not a bandage or cast in sight. He now has his strength back to push the other off of him. 

“I jus’ wanna cuddle.” Hoseok slurs, pouting as Yoongi still struggles against him.

“No, fuck off. Go cuddle someone else.” Yoongi says after finally shoving Hoseok off the couch, ending in the latter plummeting on the floor, closer to where Jimin sits on a cushion below them. Jeongguk finds the whole scene amusing.

“Fine.” Hoseok makes a sound close to a whine as he shuffles towards the pink haired man. Dramatically slumping down so his head rests in Jimin’s lap and feet position on top of Jeongguk’s legs. Hoseok hums contently whilst Yoongi scoffs at the scene, pulling the cigarette bud between his lips, a cloud of grey traveling above them.

Namjoon surprisingly allowed him to smoke inside, but not without putting up a fight first.  _ “Get the fuck out if you want to smoke, I dont want ash on my couch.” _ Namjoon had said. Yoongi merely rolled his eyes before grabbing the ash tray that was resting on the coffee table, pulling the tray closer to himself and placing it on the arm of the couch. They argued for a little while longer before Namjoon gave in after a few more drinks, becoming loose lipped and carefree. In the end he threatened Yoongi to pay for the damage if he burnt any holes in the couch.

“Careful, Yoongi looks about ready to jump at Hoseok for cuddling his Jimin.” Seokjin remarks.

“Is hyung jealous?” Namjoon teases from the opposite side of the couch, smiling with amusement.

“Shut the fuck up.” Yoongi’s comment only serves to elicit more laughter out of everyone. Jeongguk doesn’t remember the last time he felt so light, like his body is floating above them all without a care in the world. All his worries are shoved to the back of his head for the moment, not having to think about them as he sits and basks in the presence of his hyungs. 

“I’m sure Jimin will suck your dick later.” Taehyung remarks from the sofa, sitting behind Jeongguk who is positioned on the floor, Hoseok’s legs still resting in his lap. 

Everyone groans.

“I was enjoying my pizza.” Seokjin exclaims, dramatically dropping his slice of pizza back in the box. 

“I hate you all.” Yoongi groans.

“The feeling is mutual.” Namjoon responds. Taehyung laughs then, causing Jeongguk to turn and witness the elder smiling widely whilst bearing his teeth for everyone to see. Jeongguk thinks it's contagious since he finds himself smiling just as wide. They make eye contact for a while, equally smiling at each other.

a fire.

Loving Taehyung would feel like a fire.

It’s a bit later, when Namjoon escapes to his room and crashes out on his bed, Seokjin following suit and finding sleep on the corner chair. Hoseok fell asleep not long after finding comfort in Jimin’s lap. The latter eventually escaped from beneath Hoseok, who in turn rotated to rest his head in Jeongguk’s lap, settling beside Yoongi and sleeping contently. Yoongi has been in and out of sleep for a while, remaining curled up around Jimin. 

Jeongguk, despite wanting to sleep for a week straight, can't bring himself to rest where he sits, fingers threading through Hoseok's hair. It’s just himself and Taehyung who remain awake, though Jeongguk clearly can see the tiredness seeping through Taehyung’s eyes. They sit in comfortable silence, the only noise that can be heard comes from the soft breathing from his hyungs, and the sound of Taehyung inhaling drags of his cigarette.

“You should probably sleep.” Taehyung suddenly says and Jeongguk hums.

“‘M not tired.” Jeongguk responds, focusing on stroking Hoseok hair, watching closely as the latter breathes out. He notices how Hoseok’s lips part when he sleeps, soft noises falling from his mouth. It’s cute.

“You’ll regret it in the morning.”

“I didn’t drink that much, not as much as this one.” Jeongguk gestures to the boy in his lap, smiling at Hoseok’s peaceful state. Taehyung hums after a chuckle, flicking the ash of his cigarette end in the ashtray. 

The elder takes one last long drag before stumping the end of the finished cigarette away, standing up abruptly from his seat. “It’s late. I’ll go.” Taehyung goes to

carefully step over Hoseok's limbs, but he stops when noticing Jeongguk’s confused frown. 

“You don’t have to-“ Jeongguk snaps his mouth shut, cutting himself off when realising what he was about to suggest. 

“Angel, you know why I can’t.”

“Shit, sorry.” Taehyung waves a dismissive hand in his direction, reaching over the back of the couch for his jacket. Jeongguk knows what he wants to ask, the words are on the tip of his tongue. But he’s scared; scared the elder might reject him if he asked. 

“You could-“ shit, he’s really going to ask. There’s no going back now, Taehyung’s already regarding him with a curious look, eyebrow raised. 

“You know- like last time.” That was very vague and Jeongguk mentally slaps himself for it. Taehyung doesn’t say anything as he sits back down behind Jeongguk, training a blank expression. It puts him on edge, uneased. He shuffles his body at a slight angle to face Taehyung better, being mindful of Hoseok’s head still in his lap. 

Jeongguk thinks Taehyung looks attractive like this; browns set in a vague frown in thought, clearly contemplating something, and lips set in a thin line as he looks at the space beside him. Black hair falls over Taehyung’s eyes, his fringe on the verge of becoming too long, but Jeongguk thinks it suits him. It’s styled in the way to make him look older, pretty curled hair coupled nicely with his dark grey sweatshirt, the neck cut to show off his collar bone nicely. Jeongguk wonders if he’s hot underneath that.

Fuck, he looks good. 

“Like last time.” Taehyung repeats, giving no sign of what he’s thinking. 

“Yeah, I- forget it. Shouldn’t have suggested- ‘m sorry.”

Taehyung hums, leaning forward an inch where he sits. “Okay, I’ll stay- I want to stay.” He stares at his now still hand in shock, fingers frozen in Hoseok's hair. Taehyung doesn't say anything after that, but Jeongguk notices something glinting in his eyes, it makes Jeongguk think the man is feeling somewhat scared, an emotion he rarely sees in the elder.

“You do?” He whispers.

Taehyung hums again, gently trailing a single finger down Jeongguk’s neck to his collarbone. His touch is light and barley there before it's gone, leaving behind faint goosebumps on his skin. The touch burnt, but not painfully, instead it brings him warmth, the type that flows through your body and settles deep in your stomach. 

“I do.” Taehyung leans back, the warmth disappearing with him. 

“Okay.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a little while longer. Jeongguk trains his eyes on Hoseok again, trying to ignore the slight ache from Hoseok’s weight on his thighs. “I can’t move.” Jeongguk suddenly speaks, earning a small chuckle from Taehyung. 

Said man stands up then, Jeongguk’s eyes follow him as Taehyung moves to the boy in his lap.

“Oi,” Taehyung smacks Hoseok’s thigh, the latter groaning at the disturbance. “Move.” Hoseok groans again whilst rolling off Jeongguk, his whole body now lying on the floor. His thighs suddenly feel much lighter. Having sat in that position for so long, Jeongguk gets up on shaky legs, stretching and clicking his joints. 

They make their way to Jeongguk’s room, not before Taehyung draps his jacket lazily over Hoseok’s sleeping form. Jeongguk knows Hoseok will regret sleeping like that in the morning, so he places a pillow under his head in hope he finds some comfort. Jeongguk strips himself of his jeans and top, only his brief’s remain before he settles into bed, suddenly feeling very nervous.

Taehyung follows his lead, stripping himself of his own clothes but seems to hesitate when he reaches his jumper. 

“You don’t have to-” Taehyung lifts his jumper off all the way, discarding the item of clothing before settling on to the bed beside Jeongguk, making his words die on his tongue. 

An uncomfortable feeling begins to blossom in Jeongguk’s stomach, resulting in him to swallow silently.

“What now?” He whispers unintentionally low, not meaning for his voice to cower.

Taehyung sighs then. 

“I don’t know, whatever we did last time. It seemed to help.”

Jeongguk hums. It takes Jeongguk a while to build up the courage, but soon he's grabbing Taehyung's hand, much like he did last time they did this. He doesn’t know how he managed to build the courage last time, what provoked him to grab Taehyung's hand. He supposes Taehyung needed it at the time, so he didn't hesitate. Taehyung glances at Jeongguk’s hand on top of his, but he doesn’t pull away, instead he laces their fingers together.

“I just- we did this last time.” Taehyung nods his head from where he lays, his thumb tracing little circles over Jeongguk’s wrist. It works to soothe him, any nerves he felt fade away with each swipe of this thumb. 

“Taehyung.” Jeongguk begins to speak, looking at the elder and noticing how at ease he seems. He doesn’t want to disappoint him. “Don’t expect anything, please.”

Taehyung’s looks at him in confusion, his head tilting vaguely. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that if it doesn’t work again- that if you don’t manage to sleep like last time, then please don’t be disappointed.”

Taehyung's confusion fades as his eyes soften, attempting a small smile. “I won’t.” Jeongguk sighs in relief, smiling as well. 

“What happens if it works?” Jeongguk decides to ask after realising what it might mean if Taehyung does manage to sleep. Taehyung stills his thumb movement, looking back up at Jeongguk. 

The elder hums in contemplation, shuffling to bring his other hand, that isn’t holding Jeongguk’s, up to the younger’s face, delicately brushing strands of hair away from his face. “‘M not sure,” Taehyung says and Jeongguk closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Taehyung's careful hand in his hair, basking in the warmth. “I won’t expect anything, I wouldn’t ask that of you.”

“What if I wanted to?” Jeongguk voices after he opens his eyes. “What if I wanted to help… if this works for you?”

“Then I wouldn’t stop you.” 

Jeongguk doesn’t respond, but Taehyung looks as if he isn’t expecting him to. His hand moments never falter in Jeongguk’s hair, continuing to thread his finger through each strange, tugging gently at any knots. Jeongguk struggles to keep his eyes open, suddenly becoming heavy with sleep. The events of this night are starting to take a toll on him, alcohol in his system, it all catches up to him. Taehyung doesn’t look too dissimilar, his eyes also drooping with tiredness. A thought passes through Jeongguk’s head then, but rather than panic, he finds himself amused at the thought.

“Namjoon’s gonna be mad.” Jeongguk slurs, voice thick with tiredness. He can't help the small chuckle that involuntarily leaves his mouth. Jeongguk’s eyes are closed but he can almost feel Taehyung smiling at him, equally amused as he is. 

“Are you going to protect me?” Jeongguk groans, lightly smacking his chest. Taehyung merily laughs.

“Be my knight in shining armour?”

“Get off me.” Jeongguk goes to pull away, giving into Taehyung's teasing. He doesn’t get very far since Taehyung drags him back with an arm over his waist, leg resting on top of his hip as he pulls him closer. Chuckling softly as he does so. 

Jeongguk’s a lot closer to the elder in this position, can practically feel his warm breath grazing his skin. He doesn’t bother struggling against Taehyung out of stubborness, finds that he doesn't want to. Instead he shuffles closer, resting his head on Taehyung’s chest.

“‘S okay?” Taehyung whispers after a while. Jeongguk hums, not trusting his voice as he closes his eyes. Instead he rests his palm on the elders chest which seems to be good enough for Taehyung. He lets sleep take him like this, feeling content and warm.

  
  


***

  
  
  


When Jeongguk wakes up, the first thing he feels is warmth. 

A lot of warmth actually. 

The first thing he hears is muffled buzzing. The noise repeating every so often.

He realises where the warmth is coming from as soon as he opens his eyes. Taehyung is laying beside him, asleep.

Just like the night before.

Jeongguk has to bite back a smile at the sight. He slept, Taehyung actually slept. And by the looks of it, he managed to sleep for the majority of the night since their position remains the same. 

But then he hears that muffle buzz again, which he now registers as his phone. Unable to ignore it anymore, Jeongguk sucks in a breath as he carefully moves away from Taehyung, cautious not to disturb him. 

**[9:02] Eunwoo:** _birthday soon_

**[9:02] Eunwoo:** _we’ll probs go club_

**[9:03] Eunwoo:** _you in?_

Right, Eunwoo’s birthday. 

Jeongguk didn’t go out with them last year, he most probably won’t go out with them this year. Even though he likes Eunwoo, thinks he’s the closest to a friend he has at Uni, he just isn’t a fan of clubs. Well, that’s a lie. He isn’t a fan of Eunwoo’s obnoxious brother who thinks he’s too mighty for anyone. 

Knowing this, he still replies saying he’ll think about it. 

“Morning.”

Taehyung's voice startles him slightly, almost dropping his phone if it wasn’t for his tight grip. 

“Morning.” He echoes, smiling at the elder before turning back to his phone. 

Jeongguk hears the sheets rustling beside him and looks up. His eyes land on Taehyung sitting up, his bear chest on display as he sits at the edge of the mattress. He brings his hands up to his messy hair, roughly threading his hands through the strands in a means to neaten his bed head. 

“‘S too early.” Taehyung groans out. 

Jeongguk just smiles at him, finding the scene cute. Even though his hair is a mess, Jeongguk can’t help but think he looks good in the morning. His curls looser yet still visible, the ends clinging to his brow before Taehyung pushes it back with his hand and stands. Jeongguk’s eyes follow his movements, the elder stretches his arms above his head before reaching down for his clothes. 

“Should probably see if the others are awake.” Taehyung says, throwing his grey sweatshirt over his head. Jeongguk hums from where he sits but makes no movements to actually get up. If anything, Jeongguk snuggles further under his covers once he’s finished with his phone. 

“Later.” He murmurs, closing his eyes once again in hope sleep will find him. His covers are far too comfortable. 

Taehyung sighs but settles besides him, resulting in Jeongguk opening his eyes once again in favour of staring at the elder. 

“You slept.” Jeongguk says after they stare at each other in silence, his words a whisper in case voicing this will scare Taehyung off. 

“I did.” Taehyung hums, continuing to stare at Jeongguk for a little while longer before speaking once again. “I don’t know why, or what it is that you do. But for some reason, I’m able to sleep when I’m with you.” Jeongguk’s mouth gapes, he’s rendered speechless at the idea of him actually being of use for Taehyung's insomnia. 

“‘M not sure if I just had a good night, because sometimes that happens where I have a peaceful night's sleep and the nightmares don’t find me. But that’s only when I sleep there.” Taehyung gestured towards the ground right besides Jeongguk’s bed. He instantly knows what the elder is referring to. “I never sleep on the mattress, ‘Don’t think I have in years, if ever.” 

Jeongguk allows for Taehyung to continue. There’s a pause before the elder sighs. 

“Like I said last night. I don’t expect anything from you, so don’t feel like you have to-“ 

“Like  _ I _ said last night. What if I want to? Because I do. If this helps you then I want to help.” Jeongguk thinks Taehyung might speak, protest, say something. But when he doesn’t, Jeongguk decides to continue. “I’m not saying we do this every night because, well- that wouldn’t work, we both have our own lives and will be busy, but… we can maybe do this a few times a week? Just so we can see what it is that helps, and maybe start finding different ways to aid in you sleeping better, more regularly.” Jeongguk pauses to take in an inhale of breath. 

“Maybe it’s that you need someone beside you, that you don’t like sleeping alone-“

“No.” Taehyung cuts him off but not unkindly, it was said with softness. “No, that’s not it. I thought that- because of my mother, I needed to sleep with company- but that only assisted my nightmares, they became more vivid. I don’t think that’s it, I’ve tried it, it didn’t work.” 

Jeongguk nods understandably before sighing faintly. “Okay, we can figure it out.” He looks up again, watching Taehyung watch him. “That’s if- that’s if you want to, of course.” 

“I do.” 

  
  
  


Yoongi remains in the same position they left him in last night, though Jimin’s no longer glued to his side. Everyone else is up and lounging round the living area as if they never moved; though, that’s the case for some. 

Walking out of his room with Taehyung following his lead, Jeongguk thought it would be much more awkward than this, expecting to get some odd looks coupled with a raging Namjoon. Jeongguk was right about the looks, but they’re not as bad as he assumed. At best, he got a few odd glances before people went back to their conversations or phones. What surprised Jeongguk the most was Namjoon’s reaction, like he said, he expected Namjoon to be seething, scolding both himself and Taehyung. Instead, he glances at them, only looks for a few seconds before smiling and looking away, conversing with Jimin once again.

Taehyung practically throws himself in the space between Yoongi's sleeping form and the edge of the couch, resulting in the latter groaning at the disturbance. “Tae, if that’s you, ‘m gonna cut your dick off.” Yoongi says, voice heavy with sleep and eyes remaining closed.

“Ouch, harsh.” Taehyung leans back then, his body resting on the smaller hyungs side. “Don’t be a dick and come have a smoke with me.” Taehyung says with a light smack on Yoongi’s thigh, said man grunting but gets up with Taehyung regardless.

Once the pair leave to the balcony, Jeongguk makes his way over to the single seat, slumping down on top of Jimin, interrupting any conversation that was shared between him and Namjoon. Jimin groans at his heavyweight, adjusting him until he’s comfortable. Jeongguk straightens up once he takes in his brother's serious look.

“Everything okay?” Jeongguk finds himself hesitantly asking. Namjoon shares a look with Jimin then before humming.

“Everything's fine,” Another glance at Jimin and then the balcony door, Jeongguk follows his gaze and can make out the silhouette of Taehyung and Yoongi peacefully smoking. He thinks if he trains his ears, he could make out light chatter shared between the two. Jeongguk looks back at his brother when he clears his throat, he’s smiling at him but Jeongguk can tell it's strained, the smile doesn't reach his eyes. “I’ll go check if those two losers actually want food or would rather stick with smoking their appetite away.”

Jeongguk watches Namjoon saunters towards the balcony, sliding the door shut as he does so. He’s now met with silence, the soft murmuring coming from outside now disappearing with Namjoon in tow. Jeongguk turns behind him to look at Jimin, facing the other with a bewildered look, said man just smiles at him. 

“Where’s Seokjin hyung?” Jeongguk decides to ask instead, noticing the elders absence and lack of noise.

“He went to get food since you own, like, nothing.” Jimin answers. Hoseok emerges from the bathroom then, hair looking like a complete crows nest. Jeongguk bites his lip in hope to muffle his building laugh, but he can’t hide his clear amusement. 

“‘Think I drank too much last night.” Jimin laughs then, resulting in Jeongguk following his lead, unable to hold it a second longer.

“You think?” Jeongguk teases.

“I  _ think _ I preferred you when you were quiet.” Hoseok resorts, making his way to the kitchen for, what Jeongguk guesses, a drink. 

“Hey, you leave Guk alone. It was only the other day you were praising him and saying how glad you are he's now in our group.” Jimin says with a tilt of his head and a raise of his brow, knowing he just won this. Jeongguk practically gleams at this, unable to wipe his obvious smile off his face. 

_ They consider me a part of their group. _ Jeongguk thinks, warmth spreading across his whole being. He feels a sweet satisfaction at being wanted, to be acknowledged as more than just Namjoons brother.

“Awh, hyung.” 

“Don't look at me like that, I take it back, you’re both brats.” Hoseok says as he makes his way back over to the living room with a drink of water in hand. Despite complaining, there's an obvious grin Jeongguk can distinguish on his face, Hoseok doesn't even attempt to hide it. They all find themselves laughing. 

“I bought pancakes!” Seokjin yells as he enters the apartment, carrying a bag of said pancakes in hand. His yell must've earned the others attention since Namjoon, Yoongi and Taehyung emerge from the balcony, discarding the rest of their cigarette.

“What the fuck happened to you three?” Seokjin suddenly asks when noticing the three of them sharing the same annoyed look. Namjoon merely waves his hand in Seokjin’s direction but stops as soon as Yoongi begins to speak.

“It’s Dongwoo.” Namjoon sends Yoongi a reserved look while Taehyung makes his way over to the kitchen.

“What about him?” Hoseok asks from the couch, looking equally as confused a Jeongguk feels. Namjoon sighs.

“He’s feeding lies to people, mostly talking shit about Yoongi.” His brother says, busying himself with helping Seokjin unpack the food. Taehyung sits at the breakfast bar, looking somewhat bored at the conversation.

“So…?” Seokjin asks, eyebrow raised in question.

“So,” Namjoon huffs out. “People speak, words getting round that Yoongi’s lost his talent, that he’s injured himself over a minor race. Its fucking up our reputation.” 

“Why should that matter? Who cares what people think, we all know it’s not true.” Jimin asks then, looking equally annoyed as the others about the situation. 

“It matters because we’re losing respect from people.” Yoongi interjects from where he stands, earning everyone’s attention. Namjoon nods once in agreement. 

“Hoseok,” said boy looks up at Namjoon, confused as to why he’s being addressed. “You might begin to lose customers at the garage. Dongwoo’s claiming your stock is trash, overpriced for cheap material.”

“That’s bullshit, it’s not true and he knows it!” Hoseok asserts, eyes wide is disbelief. Jeongguk remembers their brief conversation a few weeks back, Hoseok was explaining his job, how he works with cars. He fixes them up for a living, practically turning a pile of metal and scraps into something that almost guarantees customers a win. 

Though, Hoseok once said ‘ _ it’s not about the car, rather, it’s who drives it that matters.’  _ Jeongguk’s unsure why, but those words have stuck with him since hearing them. Hoseok takes pride in manufacturing cars, has earned himself the title of ‘the soul of cars,’ since he both creates the cars and races them. He treats them as if they have a soul, alive in the way he drives them with such skill. Jeongguk knows racing is pretty much Hoseok's life, it’s been introduced to him at a young age, whereas Yoongi does it more out of a hobby. And with Taehyung… Jeongguk’s unsure if the elder does it as a hobby or not, but Jeongguk knows he’s good, had learnt that the hard way. Taehyung races with such ease, as if it was the simplest thing to learn when Jeongguk knows that’s untrue.

With his brother, well- he hasn’t actually asked- rather, he’s been told by Hoseok how Namjoon used to race a lot, much to Jeongguk’s shock. He used to enjoy it and be really good, earned a good name and reputation. Then one day, he stopped, put it all behind him and moved on to underground rapping. 

“I know, but you know what Dongwoo’s like, he has a way with words, can persuade people to believe pretty much anything.” Namjoon responds, regarding him with a sad look. Hoseok just sighs, completely in disbelief over this whole situation. 

Jeongguk clears his throat, gaining eyes staring at him. “Can’t you just- you know, prove him wrong?” He asks, switching his gaze between his brother, Yoongi and then Hoseok. “Beat him in a race and show everyone the truth?” 

“We could, and that would work.” Namjoon remarks, he can sense a ‘but’ coming, yet he doesn’t elaborate further. 

“There’s more to it than that.” Yoongi adds, moving to lean on the arm of the single seat where both Jimin and Jeongguk are seated, all squeezing together. 

“He’s targeting all of us.” Taehyung suddenly says after a pause of silence, not expecting for him to add to this conversation considering he looked so disinterested earlier. 

“I know how he works. Dongwoo will hold onto any moment of weakness someone shows him, no matter how big or small. He’ll hold onto it and use it against you, all for the sake of reputation. He wants people to respect him, hold a title to his name.” 

“Respect? Dongwoo?” Yoongi scoffs in disbelief. 

“It’s all about business. Earning enough respect for people to either trust him enough or fear him.” 

“What business?” Jeongguk finds himself asking. 

“It’s not so much his business as it is his Uncles.” Seokjin answers. “His Uncle, he’s a very powerful man, known for his clubs and bars, but mostly, he’s known for his coke.” Jeongguk feels a lump forming in his throat that he so desperately wants to swallow. He looks to Namjoon then, eyes wide as if waiting for him to confirm this new found information. 

“I don’t work in any of his clubs, before you ask.” Jeongguk feels slightly relieved at hearing Namjoon’s quick protest. “No one really knows Dongwoo except for Taehyung and… myself, kind of. Everyone else has crossed paths with him one way or another, he’s known for stirring shit and starting feuds with people. But no one will do anything because of his relatives.” 

“Which is why what Yoongi did was very stupid, and why I was so mad.” Jimin adds, raising an eyebrow at the guilty looking man beside him. Despite his obvious frustration, Jimin still rests his head on his lover's knee, showing that, no matter what, he still likes him. It’s disgusting really.

“Dongwoo himself isn’t harmless, he’s mostly all talk.” Taehyung says, picking at the food on the table and achieving a scolding smack on the hand from Seokjin. 

“He’s not harmless.” Namjoon voices, sighing audibly in the too silent room. Jeongguk misses the laughs, the jokes, he doesn’t like this sudden turn in mood. “Sometimes you’re too arrogant for your own good.” Namjoon comments. Taehyung scoffs but doesn’t appear mad, instead he smiles. 

“You said something about Dongwoo holding onto peoples weakness…” the room falls silent upon Jeongguk bringing light to Taehyung's earlier statement. Everyone appears reluctant to speak other than Hoseok’s utter confusion.  _ At least I’m not the only one _ , Jeongguk thinks. 

This silence is far harsher than any other. It serves to make Jeongguk believe that what comes next, won’t be a topic of interest, rather, it'll be one he’ll find concerning. Again, Jeongguk finds himself longing for the night before, wanting to feel so light weighted again. He’d rather face a stomach churning hangover if it meant avoiding this sour atmosphere. 

“Like Namjoon said, people speak,” Taehyung starts, sending a quick glance at the other. “There’s been whispers, after the incident with Yoongi, people started to talk shit about us once again.”

“Again?”

Taehyungs sends Namjoon an apologetic look before continuing. “This isn’t the first time, last time Dongwoo stirred shit about Namjoon and… Chaewon, he's beginning to bring old stories to light once again. Reminding people the last time someone messed with him.” Namjoon visibly pales, but he looks af if this isn’t new information to him. 

It’s that name again,  _ Chaewon _ . Jeongguk’s been hearing it a lot recently, the name popping up at random times. He wonders if Chaewon plays a bigger part in Namjoons life than was led on. Namjoon sighs audibly in the room, Jeongguk blinks himself out of his stupor from the noise. 

“He isn’t wrong, Chaewon was my weakness. I really cared for her, I can’t believe that fucker would bring her up after all these years.” Namjoon spits the words out, looking both raged and pained to say her name. Jeongguk feels his face drop in sympathy, wanting nothing more than to wipe his brother's heart-wrenching expression off his face. 

“How  _ dare  _ he, he’s the reason she’s no longer here, with me.” Seokjin places a calming hand on his brother's back, a small touch that holds all the words no one seems to be able to voice.  _ We’re here. _

No one talks for a minute, all looking at Namjoon worrinly as he attempts to compose himself. Once he does, Namjoon takes a sharp breath in and straightens himself up.

“He’s been saying stuff about you too Guk.” Namjoon comments.

Jeongguk’s face must look priceless, utter shock visible in the way his eyes widen. “What?” Is all Jeongguk is able to whisper, though he wants to ask more, he just can't find his voice.

“Hojin is a part of Dongwoo’s...gang? If that's what you call it,” Jimin begins to speak then, Yoongis threading his hand through his boyfriend’s hair, pulling at the pink strands that lay in his lap. “After the party, Hojin was quick to practically cry to Dongwoo about an old friend enagading in a fight over some…  _ ‘fag’s,’  _ was the word he used.”

“How do you know all this?” Jeongguk asks, trying to make sense of it all. He’s still unsure how he plays a part in this story but he waits patiently. 

“Because myself and Seokjin are quite the social butterflies, we hear things and fast.” Jeongguk nods his head vaguely in understanding. “Though the story was twisted, we’re set to believe Hojin explained the night as him innocently minding his own business when we tried to… seduce him.” Jeogguk’s face instantly molds into that of disgust, cringing at the mere thought. He sends a glance at Namjoon and wonders if he knows of his sexuality, he supposes there's no point in hiding it now. Surprisingly, Jeongguk is okay with that, he's no longer as scared as he was a month or so ago. He reminds himself to bring this up to his brother later. 

“He then went on about Tae and Yoongi getting involved, teaming up on him.” Jeongguk looks up when he hears Taehyung and Yoongi scoff in union.

“That explains why Dongwoo was quick to target me that time.” Yoongi adds, rubbing his healing arm at the memory. 

“He probably would’ve targetted you either way.” Yoongi snorts at Hoseok’s comment, amused. 

“So, Dongwoo started all of this just because Taehyung beat the shit out of his friends? Which he deserved by the way.” Jeongguk asks, the last bit he said as a side comment.

“Like Taehyung said, Dongwoo finds what he thinks are people’s weaknesses and holds onto them. In this case, he thinks Jeongguk, you are Taehyungs as Chaewon was mine.” Jeongguk glances at Taehyung, hoping to read his expression but finds nothing. Taehyung hardly looks fazed by any of this, then again, Jeongguk thinks he doesn't look like anything, showing no emotion towards this situation.

“He saw you with me, that time on the tracks.” Taehyung says, finally showing some sort of expression, but he looks apologetic, something Jeongguk doesn't want Taehyung to feel. Namjoon doesn't say anything, the pure rage his brother felt that day seems to be gone, but it's not to say he necessarily looks impressed right now.

“Dongwoo  _ is _ harmless. He would never get his own hands dirty. Besides, his Uncle dislikes him, it’s known by everyone. It doesn't matter what Dongwoo does, his Uncle will never deem him worthy to take over his position.” Namjoon doesn’t look too happy at Taehyung’s comment, in fact, he looks enraged.

“No, he may not get his hands dirty, but what he does isn't harmless. Chaeowon can vouch for that.”

“That’s… different,” Taehyung protests. “Chaewoo knew what she was getting herself into, she didn't have a choice. She gave up her life because she felt there wasn't a point living any longer, not after her brother died.”

“She had so much more to live for!” Namjoon practically screams, his voice cracking with the volume. Though, Taehyung hardly looks phased by his outburst. 

“I can’t really blame her, not with a father like hers. How can you use your own daughter like that? How can you abuse her the way he did? That her own  _ father _ . I hope he's rotting in his grave.” Jeongguk suddenly doesn’t think this is about Chaewon anymore, and by the looks of it, Yoongi shares the same thought if his concerned expression isn't any indication.

“I think that's enough for today.” Seokjin suddenly says from the kitchen, finally saying something after quietly listening to the conversation, still continuing to set up the food. He glances at said food with a sigh. “Pancakes are probably cold now, but you can bet you’re all still eating them. I did not just drive two miles for cold pancakes that no ones gonna eat.” Jeongguk’s grateful for Seokjin’s attempt at lightening the mood.

Taehyung stands from where he sits, mumbling a quick goodbye before heading out in a rush. No one protests as he leaves, leaving Jeongguk completely bewildered. He frowns, goes to stand when no one is willing to follow him. 

“Leave him.” Yoongi voices, his face a void yet Jeongguk can see a twitch on his upper lip. 

Namjoon nods curtly. “We’ll continue this later, come up with something. It’s pretty much an easy fix, we just can’t retaliate to Dongwoo’s rumors and prove to people how he's wrong.” Everyone nods along.

“Hoseok,” Said boy looks up at Namjoon addressing him. “We’ll discuss plans for your cars later, for now let's all just try and stay out of his way.”

  
  
  


***

  
  


**[3:37 p.m.] Taehyung** :  _ working late tonight, finishing at 7. _

Jeongguk doesn't read his text until 40 minutes later, and when he does, he instantly knows what Taehyung is asking.  _ Do you want to come over so we can try sleeping again?  _

A few days have passed from when they agreed to their sleeping arrangements and since then, they've already tried it twice, both times were successful and at Jeongguk’s. This would be the first time he’ll be sleeping round the elders after their arrangement. No one mentioned Taehyung's abrupt leave the other morning, though Jeongguk supposes no one needed to. The others sudden urge to leave is justified, there was no need for Jeongguk to bring it up.

They’ve kept things strictly platonic each time Taehyung has slept round. The arrangement was that Taehyung would come over, they would settle in Jeongguk’s bed, talk about crap before falling asleep whilst holding hands. There’s bodies wrapped together as soft hands trail through silky hair. It’s pretty simple.

Jeongguk’s okay with this, if it means he’ll selfishly get to be close to the elder then he's okay with it.

Even if it means Jeongguk won't ever get to experience what they’ve shared before again, won’t get to be with him the way he wants. 

For now, it’s okay.

For now, it’s enough.

Telling Namjoon was the hard part, it took a while for Jeongguk to build up the courage to tell his brother in fear he would be mad.

Surprisingly, Namjoon took it well.

_ “Are you sure you’re okay with that, helping Taehyung?”  _ Namjoon had asked him as soon as Jeongguk explained. He never went into detail, only mentioning why Taehyung was here some nights and why he wouldn't be here others. 

“ _ It's to sleep. _ ” Jeongguk had explained. Be it any other person or situation, Jeongguk thinks Namjoon wouldn’t just turn a blind eye to his explanation and would assume they were up to something much different, something not as innocent as to sleep. 

In answer to Namjoon’s question, he merely smiled in endearment, something he didn't even try to hide. “ _ I’m sure, if it helps Taehyung then I've never been so sure _ .”

“ _ I care for him _ .”  _ I like him. _

_ “I know.”  _ Namjoon had responded with a knowing smile.

Jeongguk wanted to tell Namjoon everything, explain how he’s been feeling recently. How his mind has been filled with nothing but Taehyung nowadays, explain his old battle with his sexuality. But, he decided he didn’t need to, because Namjoon already knows.

He doesn't know how, or if he's that easy to read, but Namjoon  _ knows _ , and that’s okay.

Jeongguk like Taehyung. 

**[4:17 p.m.] Jeongguk** :  _ I’ll be there when you finish _ .

  
  
  


The walls of the shop are painted a dark shade of red that should be ugly, but instead it complements the black to cool colour artworks walls. Said walls are scattered in paintings and sketches, Jeongguk thinks he can make out some of Taehyungs, some of them are accompanied by photographs of the art tattooed on someone’s body. 

There’s a woman at the reception desk, long hair almost touching her hip, very pretty. Beside the desk stands a wooden cabinet with a glass front that holds dozens of stands of metallic or gold jewellery for sale. Jeongguk almost shivers at the thought of all that jewellery going through his skin, he has his first and seconds ears pierced and that’s enough. 

Jeongguk notices a few wooden benches that he assumes is where people would wait until they can go into the doors at the back, where people are getting stabbed by a needle one way or the other. He’s early, he knows he is. But, he’d rather be early than late and if Jeongguk is honest, he was curious to check out the parlor. Having only ever heard stories from Taehyung, it’s nice to finally see the place for himself.

And, he was right, the place is rather pretty. He’s always loved artwork, and can appreciate all types of mediums. He himself is more of a drawer, loves the harsh contrast between the black of the pen and white of the paper. Whereas Taehyung, he focuses on paintings. Their work would be a nice contrast that would compliment each other, Jeongguk thinks. 

“Guk.” 

Jeongguk’s attention is ripped away from the walls, his eyes no longer scanning the variety of art and styles. Instead he turns to the direction the voice came from and finds Yoongi standing in one of the doorways of the few tattoo rooms. 

A small boy, not that much older than him, with bright coloured blond hair - almost blinding - walks out of the room Yoongi was just in, trailing behind the latter. 

“Hey, hyung.” Jeongguk greets as Yoongi saunters his way over to where he sits, a cloth in hand as he wipes between his fingers. 

“Thanks, hyung!” The blonde boy calls out after talking with the girl behind the reception desk, his eyes crinkle with a pleasant smile, making him look that much younger. Yoongi shouts back “any time kid,” before he leaves. There’s a soft breeze of the night sleeping through the door accompanied by the chine of the door. 

“You here for Taehyung?” Yoongi grins wickedly. Evidently, Yoongi’s amused smile is enough to make Jeongguk blush and look away. 

“Yeah.” Yoongi smirks before taking pity on him, chuckling lightly.

“He’s just finishing up a tattoo on someone,” Yoongi waves a hand to gesture for Jeongguk to follow him. “You can go in if you want, he's in there.” Yoongi points in the direction of a room beside the one he previously came from, the door is slightly ajar but it's angled in a way to reveal very little. Jeongguk can barely make out a hand holding metal that resembles a pen, black and white striped shirt rolled up at the sleeve, muscles flexing in time with the buzz of the machine. The client seems to be getting a tattoo on the upper half of their arm, short sleeve bunched up at the shoulder providing enough room for the ink. From this distance, Jeongguk can’t make out the art, only the black ink is currently visible.

“You sure I won’t be interrupting?” Jeongguk asks hesitantly, biting his lip. He doesn't want to disturb Taehyung from his work, knows that if it was him, he wouldn't like people observing him as he worked. Jeongguk finds people luring over him highly distracting and annoying.

Yoongi rolls his eyes but smiles regardless. “Trust me,” He mutters. “You won't be disturbing, kid.” 

He doesn’t get a chance to protest since Yoongi places a small hand on his back, leading him towards the door, the closer he gets the louder the hum from the tattoo gun gets. 

What greets Jeongguk is a sight he didn’t expect to see, one that elicits him to swallow as he attempts to maintain a cool expression. 

“Guk’s here.” Yoongi voices from the doorway, his hand remaining on the small of Jeongguk’s back. Taehyung instantly looks up then, his skillful movements coming to a halt. Jeongguk visibly calms when he sees Taehyung's genuinely warm smile, waving for Jeongguk to come in closer. 

“Do you like it, Min?” A female voice asks, the same female Jeongguk recognises from the race, the one who sat on Taehyung's lap that time. Jeongguk tries to shake off the image. Instead, he focuses back on Taehyung who’s beaconing him over to a seat beside him, the warm smile not leaving his face. Taehyung doesn’t continue until Jeongguk sits, now being provided a clear view as Taehyung works.

Yoongi scoff’s, “It’s very basic, but sure, Jisoo.” Up close, Jeongguk can now distinguish the tattoo as a flock of black birds on the upper part of her arm, close to her shoulder. The birds scatter the skin, their wings opening that bit more the further up her arm they get. Jeongguk thinks he agrees with Yoongi, it is basic. 

“I think it’s hot.” Jisoo remarks.

Yup, Jeongguk doesn’t like her.

_ No, you don’t know her _ . Jeongguk tells himself, still trying to erase the memory of the last time he saw her. It’s just jealousy.

“All done.” Taehyung says then, the softing humming now stopping as he turns the machine off. Jisoo makes an excited noise as she leaps from the bed, Taehyung following her lead and standing up as well. He starts rummaging around in draws until he returns with a bottle of liquid and a bandage in hand. Applying a thin layer of the petroleum jelly on the newly done tattoo, he then proceeds to wrap her arm in a bantange.

“Be sure to take this off after 24 hours then apply a layer of this ointment,” Taehyung hands her the ointment, “twice a day, you don't need another bandage.” Jisoo waves him off, a clear smile of joy etched on her face. She mutters a quick,  _ I know _ , before leaning up to kiss Taehyung's cheek. 

“Thank’s baby, I'll see you around.” Jisoo announces to Taehyung then glances at Jeongguk and smiles, he tries to return it but the smile never reaches his eyes. Jisoo says a final farewell to Yoongi before advancing towards the door. The whole time Jeongguk held his breath behind pursed lips.

_ Baby _

The demon inside Jeongguk stiffens up; it’s tense, alert. The gut-wrenching feeling bubbles in the pit of his stomach from a single word.  _ Baby _ .

Now, jealousy is a scary thing, it oftens comes in the form of a monster, green-eyed and hungry. Jeongguk would’ve liked to have thought he wouldn’t feel something as childish as jealousy, especially over a single word. However, Jeongguk learned the hard way the last time he encountered Jisoo, that that wasn't the case. 

“You good, cutie?” Taehyung suddenly asks, drawing Jeongguk out of his musings. Jeongguk hums with a smile, putting on his best poker face in an attempt to not show how he’s affected by Jisoo. Taehyung doesn’t press further and moves to clear his equipment away. Yoongi, however, gives him a skeptical look but he’s kind enough to drop it in favour of moving back towards the opened door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Yoongi address Taehyung, the latter nodding with a soft hum. “And Guk,” Jeongguk looks back to his smaller hyung, a kind smile evident on his face. “I’ll see you around.” He leaves then, not allowing Jeongguk a chance to respond.

“I won’t be long, give me a minute to tidy and then we can leave.” Taehyung says from his small desk, picking up pieces of paper that’s been scattered around the wooden surface. With a closer look, Jeongguk can make out the pieces of paper as art, more specifically, Taehyung’s art. There’s a lot of sketches, all featuring different genres and mediums. Taehyung once explained how he enjoys paintings more so than drawings, how with painting you can’t erase your mistakes with a rubber like you could with pencil drawings.  _ You can only paint over them _ , he had said. Jeongguk had felt a sudden fondness at Taehyung's words, felt endeared by how passionate the elder is about art.

“What’s that?” Jeongguk asks upon noticing a piece of work that stands out amongst the rest. It’s a picture of a detailed home from a distance, the house appearing small and decade from age, something Jeongguk can recognize from detailed shading of black ink. What really stands out, however, is the cross media between black ink and paint. The painted sections seem random but Jeongguk think’s they’ve been thoroughly planned out. Where the black ink of the pen seems broken and somber, some sections blurred and can’t be made out properly, the paint reveals a happier saide to the image, one that shows colour and light, no longer looking so depressing. 

He finds himself in awe when scanning the art in all its detailed gloury. Taehyung follows his gaze to the work on the side, abandoning all his other work neatly in his desk draw in favour of grabbing the one that caught Jeongguk’s eye. 

“Is this for a client?” Jeongguk asks but he's met with silence, Taehyung staring deeply at his work, not saying a word. For a moment, Jeongguk’s scared he asked something he shouldn't have, Taehyung’s neutral expression aiding in that fear. 

“No, it's not,” Taehyung begins speaking, the building fear now edging its way into something calmer, close to relief. Yet, it still lingers since Taehyung appears almost emotionless when looking at his work. For a second, Jeongguk thinks he can see a flash of disgust in the elders eyes but it’s gone before he can examine it further. Taehyung sighs lightly before speaking. “I decided to create it after a dream I had one night. It was weird, it was like I was looking over at this home gradually breaking in front of me, but I couldn't do anything. I just watched from a distance.”

Jeongguk listens intently, allowing Taehyung a chance to continue. “I’ve had this dream a few times before, not that often, but enough for me to remember.” Taehyung looks up at Jeongguk then, a faint smile can be seen if Jeongguk really squints. “Recently, the blurred section started to fade, and colour began to seep through. That's when I got the idea to create this. I don't know why it's here, I think it got lost amongst my work for customers.”

“What does it mean?” Jeongguk whispers in fear of breaking the daze they seem to be in, now only realising how close they’ve gotten to each other. 

“I-” Taehyung looks at him then, his eyes drifting towards his lips, resulting in Jeongguk swallowing. Taehyung follows the movement, watches as his Adam's apple bobs with the movement. “I’m not sure, I think it might have something to do with youth, maybe my childhood home. But I don't know why, more specifically, I don’t understand why there’s a sudden spark of colour.” Taehyung whispers, his eyes never wavering from Jeongguk.

“Alright, I know. God, so demanding- Oh, you’re still here.” A sudden female voice is the cause of their daze breaking, like the air around doesn’t seem so tense and fades into reality. It’s then that Jeongguk realises she was calling out to Yoongi, most probably being told to get something. Which explains her abrupt appearance.

“Ah, Rose. ‘was just clearing up.” Taehyung says as he puts the last of his things away, contemplating what to do with his personal artwork before putting it in the draw with the rest of his things. “Was there something you needed?” Taehyung turns back to face her.

She waves a dismissive hand in his direction, “Yoongi wanted more petroleum jelly.” Taehyung nods once before rummaging around in his cabinet, pulling out a tub of whatever it was Rose wanted before chucking it towards her. Rose catches it skillfully. “Who’s this?” She asks then, but not unkindly, there a grin decorating her pretty face.

“I’m Jeongguk, nice to meet you.” Jeongguk says formally with a warm smile.

“Oh my, you’re so cute!” She practically squeals, her grin widening. “I’m Rose, nice to meet you too.” Jeongguk smiles in return but before he gets a chance to reply, Taehyung’s voice pipes up.

“We’re leaving, I’ll see you tomorrow, Rose.” Taehyung says as he heads towards the door, Jeongguk follows in tow. 

“I’ll see you,” Rose says, also walking to the door, moving towards Yoongi’s room. She turns around then, smiling sweetly. “Goodbye, Jeongguk.” Rose says with a wave, Jeongguk returning the same gesture.

The car journey to Taehyung’s is quite pleasant, it's spent in them sharing stories about their day. Jeongguk explains how his morning consisted of Namjoon attempting to cook a fried breakfast, which resulted in Namjoon burning almost everything, the only thing remaining was the toast. The toast wasn’t necessarily burnt, but it was much darker than Jeongguk likes. He’s still grateful for his brother's effort nonetheless, the story earns Jeongguk a few laughs from Taehyung, the kind where all of his teeth are on show.

“Why is Yoongi not coming home with us, where is he tonight?” Jeongguk questions as a conversation opener after their previous conversion died down. They’re not far from Taehyung home, Jeongguk recognises the street so he knows there's only a few more turns and then they’ve arrived.

“He usually stays late to catch up on some work, I don't know how he does it.” Taehyung says with a light chuckle.

“He must be really passionate about his job.” Taehyung hums.

“He is. Anyway, he's at Jimins tonight, much to Seokjin’s joy.” Taehyung begins to pull up at his apartment, pulling his handbrake up once parked. 

“Makes sense.” Jeongguk mumbles as they make their way into the apartment, untying their shoes and slipping them off.

“Have you eaten?” Taehyung asks once he makes his way over to the kitchen, glancing through his fridge. Jeongguk shakes his head no. “Yeah, me either. Let get take out, we have fuck all in the house.” Jeongguk laughs then, front teeth of show but he nods with a hum in agreement.

It’s a few hours later before they both settle in bed. Jeongguk’s fresh out of a warm shower, no longer feeling cold. His skin stings with warmth pleasantly, towel-dried hair pushed back from his face. They ended up ordering take out, sitting in the living room whilst they talked amongst themselves. 

Jeongguk instantly turns to face Taehyung who is currently staring blankly at the ceiling, hands resting beneath his head. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, rather, it serves as a good opportunity for Jeongguk’s mind to wonder. He finds it drifting back to a few days ago, remembering the conversation exchanged between everyone. If he’s honest, Jeongguk doesn't know how to feel about the whole situation, he never knew about Namjoon’s trauma. Granted, there was a time Jeongguk wasn’t a part of his brother's life. He feels like he should've been there when Chaewon died, even just to comfort his brother. Jeongguk also never thought the ‘bad people’ Chaewon got herself involved with would’ve been Dongwoo, he wonders how small this world actually is.

At best, he assumed Dongwoo was some cocky asshole, the type to flaunt about as if he’s so superior. Jeongguk was quick to learn that’s only partly the case, that there’s more to it than just that. 

“How’s Hoseok’s business?” Jeongguk asks suddenly, remembering Namjoon mentioning something about Dongoo spreading false rumours about his stock. Taehyung hums then.

“He didn't lose as many customers as they originally thought. A lot of them are returning customers or people who know Hoseok personally, so they’re pretty loyal and didn’t listen to whatever shit Dongwoo lied about.”

“That’s good.” Jeongguk sighs in relief, snuggling further in the covers. 

“Dongwoo isn’t as much of a threat as everyone is making out, y’know.” Taehyung says after a moment, tilting his head to look at Jeongguk completely. “He’s just a kid trying to impress his family. He talks about gaining respect a lot, but that's something he just won’t achieve, like I said, people see him as a kid. I don’t think he will be seen as anything other than a kid.” 

“So long as we stay out of his way, he’s harmless.” Taehyung voices after a pause.

“You speak as if you know him personally.” Jeongguk notes, now realising everytime Taehyung talks about Dongwoo it's as if he knows him.

“Kind of,” There's a shuffle, Taehyung’s now laying on his side to face Jeongguk completely. “I used to get along with him, he strangely took a liking to me, kind of trusted me to some extent. I soon learnt that he was just some spoiled brat trying to show off, so I eventually ditched him, just stopped being known with him. Yoongi and Namjoon were never one to like him, tried to tell me at the beginning, but I wanted to learn for myself.” Jeongguk laces their hands then, they've done this so many times that he no longer fears being rejected from the action. 

“He didn't really like that, assumed that I thought I was better than him. Dongwoo tries to ‘prove me wrong’ but it only makes me view him as even more of a child. I’m not the only one, everyone agrees, even his relatives. They don't want a child running their business, can’t blame them really. I feel sorry for him sometimes, but then he opens his mouth and I remember why I dislike him.” He finishes with a chuckle, tracing his thumb over Jeongguk's prominent bone of his wrist.

“I guess it’s hard, having to live up to such a reputation can eat people alive.” Taheyung hums, not saying anything further so Jeongguk continues. “Namjoon mentioned him being the cause of Chaewoo’s death…?” 

“Ah,” Taehyung brings the covers up further over Jeongguk’s body after a particular shiver, Jeongguk offering a grateful smile. “She, like me, didn’t have a good childhood. Whereas my father would never use me the way Chaewon’s father used her, we was both abused either way.” Taehyung doesn’t need to elaborate further, Jeongguk understands what he's implying.  _ Chaewon’s father used her for his own pleasure _ .

“She had a little brother, he was a lot younger than you at the time. He fell ill, had a problem with the blood vessels that supply the brain. In the end, he had a stroke and died. Chaewon’s family wasn't exactly well off, rather, they were very poor, so they couldn't pay for treatments.”

“Which is why Chaewon worked for Dongwoo.” Jeongguk adds, making sense of it all.

“Right.” Taehyung agress, his thumb never stopping from soothing over his skin. Jeongguk came to realise the elder does this whenever he talks, he’s unsure if it's to sooth Jeongguk or himself. “She borrowed money from him in favour of her to work with their family. After her brother's death, she had so much debt to pay and didn't see the point in staying around to pay it off, so she killed herself.” Even though Jeongguk already knew that part, his face still falls, each time it leaves a pang of empathy for her.

“Namjoon really liked her, he blamed himself for not knowing, but it was never his fault. I never told you the whole story because I thought maybe Namjoon should be the one to do so. But after the other morning, I’ve realised he may never be ready to tell you, and you deserve to know.”

“Thank you for- thanks for telling me all of this. I know Namjoon doesn't want me to be a part of this side of his life, so I appreciate you telling me this.” Taehyung looks pained for a moment.

“You’re already involved, we might as well tell you what you need to know.” Jeongguk hums, feeling like there's not much more that needs to be said. He closes his eyes when he feels a hand threading through his hair, a feeling that he's used to but still sends goosebumps across his skin either way. Before they know it, sleep takes them in that position. Their hands still intertwined together and Taehyung’s other hand rested in his hair. 

  
  


*

  
  


There’s a noise.

Someone’s talking.

No, someone’s… shouting?

Jeongguk has a hard time opening his eyes, adjusting to the soft light seeping through Taehyung’s opened blind, his eyes so desperately wanting to close and let sleep take him once again. But there’s that shout again, it sounds panicked, almost desperate. 

“No!” 

Jeongguk wakes up fully then, sitting up in alarm. He realises where he is, now completely awake, he can make out Taehyung beside him. He’s frowning, his face scrunched together, harsh lines visible even in the dim light. There’s a light glistening Taehyung’s skin, making it shine, it’s then that Jeongguk realises it’s sweat.

Taehyung is sweating and shaking, like before.

Oh no.

Jeongguk moves, shifts so his body is looming over the shaking one. With a hesitant hand, Jeongguk reaches out to touch Taehyung softly with the intention to wake him, save him from his unconscious thoughts. Upon first touch, Jeongguk realises just how much he’s sweating, the white sheets practically soaked through. 

“I’m sorry- Don’t!” Taehyung screams again, his voice sounding strangled. Not being able to bear his state much longer, Jeongguk shakes him again, more vigorously this time.

“Tae,” he shakes his arm. “Tae, please wake up.” After one more shake, Taehyung eventually wakes up.

His eyes snap open instantly, his arm reaching out to grab Jeongguk in an iron grip, his breathing heavy, coming out in almost pants. Taehyung releases after realising he’s squeezing too tightly, Jeongguk face must’ve crunched up in pain. 

“Shit, ‘m sorry.” Taehyung slurs, his voice thick with sleep. The elder gently yanks Jeongguk down by the wrist, easing him to rest his head on his chest. 

“You okay?” Jeongguk questions after a few moments of silence pass, Taehyung breathing eventually begins to even out. He doesn’t answer, instead he brings his arm - the one resting beside Jeongguk - up to trance imaginary patterns on the younger's nape. Again, Jeongguk finds himself wondering if it’s to ease the elder or himself. 

“Nightmare?” He questions again, lacing his voice in velvet so as to not frighten Taehyung further. Even though Jeongguk can tell the other male has visibly calmed, his breathing still comes out slightly ragged, almost as if to do so it pains him. 

They’ve had a good run so far, Taehyung has managed to sleep considerably well. The latter admitted to Jeongguk of his urge to sleep on the floor, no matter how painful it may be, it brings some sort of peace to Taehyung’s mind. But he never did, had told Jeongguk how he fought that urge and had managed to sleep peacefully. The younger had expected this, no one is completely healed, so it comes to no surprise that Taehyung’s nightmares returned. But it still worries him, even though it was expected, it still shocked Jeongguk, having never experienced one of Taehyung nightmares. Jeongguk can only do so much to help, he’s no professional. He wonders if he should suggest Taehyubg seek help, but the elder may perceive that as Jeongguk pushing him away. He locks that thought up for now.

“Yeah.” Taehyung reaches from his bedside table with his spare hand, ultimately landing on a packet of cigarettes. The elder plucks one from the pack, withdrawing his hand from Jeongguks nape in favour of lighting the cig. Once he does so, Taehyung returns his hand to Jeongguk’s neck, nestling his fingers in the strands of hair. 

“Want to talk about it?” 

For a moment, Jeongguk thinks Taehyung’s not going to answer, which is understandable, but whatever he’s dreamt about has clearly shaken him. So it’s natural for Jeongguk to feel concerned. 

“It was of my mother,” Taehyung takes a drag, the grey smoke barely visible if it wasn’t for the moonlight seeping through. “She was trying to protect me like she normally did, I was getting hit by my… father, a belt.” Jeongguk tenses, Taehyung can probably feel it.

“She woke to him hitting me, for something I can’t remember. I was a little shit back then, still am.” Taehyung chuckles but with no real humour. “She tried to get him off me, used all her strength until he finally let go of my neck. He ended up turning on my mother, beating her instead.” Taehyung's heart is racing, Jeongguk can feel it from this position, so he begins to trace calming patterns on his chest, attempting to will it to slow. “I was a kid, a useless kid who just watched the whole thing play out in front of me whilst I stood there and cried, I just cried and screamed for him to stop. He never did.”

“That’s not your fault, your mother wanted to protect you, she knew what she was doing.” Taehyung finishes his cigarette after a long drag, not exhaling until his lungs screamed at him too. He stumps the end of the smoke out in the ashtray, sighing deeply as he does so.

“I know, it’s just- the memories won’t fade. To this day, I still feel useless.” The elder turns to face him again, an arm slung over his waist in order to pull him closer. Jeongguk isn’t complaining. 

“You’re not useless, Taehyung, you’re  _ not _ .” He empathises the word ‘not,’ wanting so desperately for Taehyung to see how amazing he actually is. If Taehyung could see himself how Jeongguk sees him, then he wouldn’t have to reassure him because he would  _ know _ . 

Taehyung kisses him then, sweetly, slowly. It catches Jeongguk off guard, not expecting to be kissed, let alone to be kissed with such gentleness. Jeongguk closes his eyes, allows himself to enjoy this, enjoy the way his lips cover his own, moving in a practiced dance. It doesn’t hold any desperation, not like before, there’s so much feelings that Jeongguk thinks he could burst. He doesn’t, instead he keeps it to himself, not wanting to put a damper on this moment. 

After a while Taehyung breaks from the kiss, slowly, he pecks him once, twice, before pulling away. 

“Thank you.” 

“Taehyung,” Jeongguk whispers after the elder has calmed, his breathing now even and his eyes closed. He receives a hum from Taehyung for him to continue. “You don’t have to sleep on the bed,” Taehyung opens his eyes at that, staring down at Jeongguk. “I mean, if you think you’d feel more comfortable on the floor then- that’s okay, you know, you can do that.” 

Taehyung smiles, it’s a closed lipped smile but it’s a smile all the same. Jeongguk will take it, will do anything to see the elder smile. “I know, I’m happy here though.” He whispers so quietly as if it was a secret shared only between the two of them. In a way, it kind of is. 

A fire. 

Jeongguk begins to think once again, he can’t help but think…

It’d feel like a fire. Loving Taehyung would feel like a fire. 

“Hey, Jeongguk?” Taehyung questions out of the blue, once they’ve both settled back down. Jeongguk hums.

“Do you think there’s a heaven?” Jeongguk looks up from where here’s laying, furrowing his brows in question. 

“I’m not sure, I’d like to think so, that there’s something good after this life.” Jeongguk answers. 

“I hope not.” Jeongguk’s frown only deepens, confusion evident in his gaze. 

“Why?” Jeongguk whispers.

“Because if there’s no heaven, then there’s no hell.”

Taehyung eventually closes his eyes, Jeongguk doesn’t sleep until the elder becomes pliant next to him, not until his breathing becomes shallow. 

  
  


*

  
  


There’s been moments in Jeongguk’s life when he’s just had a gut feeling something isn’t right, be it his initial thought is to not trust this one person, or if he knew he was going to mess something up. More often than not, his gut is right, has always been right. So when it’s not even a full two day later, and Jeongguk wakes to a curt text from Taehyung - his gut screaming at him that something is wrong - for the life of him, he doesn’t know why he didn’t listen to it when it’s never failed him before. 

That was mistake number one. 

Taehyung’s blanked him, and not just the once either.

But, Jeongguk decides to shake that thought off, chalks it up to Taehyung being stressed and overwhelmed from the other night. It wasn’t easy sharing what he shared, so Jeongguk can appreciate Taehyung's most likely feeling at least a little tense. 

Which is why, very stupidly, Jeongguk thinks it’d be a good idea to surprise visit him. With his sophomore year being over, he finds he has a lot of free time, today for instants, he spends it playing games, talking with Namjoon briefly before he heads off to work, talking to Jimin on the phone. Ultimately, waiting around until he can see Taehyung. 

His plan is to go round his unannounced. It’s not a very good plan, but his thought process is to surprise him there rather than at work, where he’s more than likely to be a bother and distraction. Even though both Yoongi and Taehyung said it’s fine, Jeongguk still doesn’t want to interrupt their work life. So, that’s why he brings it upon himself to leave his apartment an hour after Taehyung finished work, giving the latter enough time to settle at home. That is if Taehyung is home, if not, then Jeongguk would just go back to his, no big deal. 

Jeongguk probably hasn’t considered the finer details of his plan, but he can worry about that later. For now, he continues to stroll his way to Taehyung’s apartment. With summer only being around the corner, it’s still light out, meaning the majority of the side shops are still open and the streets are filled with busyiling bodies. It’s a fairly warm evening, Jeongguk is beginning to feel the sun burning his skin, luckily it’s not too far of a walk left. With every corner he turns, he gets closer to Taehyung’s apartment.

Jeongguk visibly startled when he hears the honking of a car, it frightened him because the sound was far closer than he anticipated a car to be. When he turns, Jeongguk relaxes once recognising the car as Yoongi’s. Said boy pulls up to the curb then, rolling down his shaded window with a small smile.

“Hey kid, what’re you doing here?” Yoongi asks once Jeongguk is close enough, though, despite the question, he looks at Jeongguk knowingly. 

“Was actually on my way to yours.” 

“To see Taehyung?” Yoongi asks teasingly. 

“Yeah, that’s if he’s home.” Yoongi hums, gesturing with his hand to the passenger seat beside him. 

“Tae should be home, he finished before me. Get in.” It’s really not that far of a walk, but there’s no point in refusing the offer, so Jeongguk gets in with a  _ thank you _ . 

“You just come from work?” Jeongguk asks then, noticing Yoongi’s tired expressions. Said man hums in affirmation.

“Yeah, long day.” It’s said with a sigh. Jeongguk wonders if Yoongi struggles with owning a tattoo parlor, wonders what type of work that entails. 

“I got the next weekend off though, think I’ll go out for once.” 

“That should be nice, a break is always good. Maybe have a night out? De-stress?” 

The elder chuckles lightly, humming afterwards as he pulls up to their apartment. “Sounds good.”

They don’t get much of a chance to say anything, exchanging any more stories about their day since they’re already there. The drive wasn’t far at all, Jeongguk was practically there when he was walking. 

The steps up seem endless, for every step Jeongguk passes, his heart picks up in speed. There’s still this unsettling feeling bubbling in the pit of Jeongguk’s stomach, he finds it gets worse the closer he gets. There’s a very small voice in the back of his mind that’s screaming for him to stop, to turn back, but he ignores it. Instead, he chalks it up to nerves, scared that Taehyung will be busy and he’s just made a fool of himself for showing up unannounced. He tries not to dwell on that thought too much, pushing past the fear to keep his legs moving. 

Jeongguk wonders why he, very stupidly, didn’t listen to his gut. Like he thought this morning, his gut is never wrong, it’s never failed him before. Gut feelings work in strange ways, they rarely correlate with one's thoughts, warning you of potential danger when you, yourself, don’t yet see it. They don’t provide you with any sufficient information because, again, it’s a feeling. But this feeling has never acted up before.

So once again, Jeongguk’s left wondering why he ignored such a feeling and vows to never pretend it doesn’t exist again. Because once Yoongi opens the door to his apartment, he’s met with a sight he so desperately wished he missed. 

The thing about their apartment, is that it’s very open, meaning once you walk through the front door, you are met with the entirety of the place. In this sense, it’s the living room Jeongguk’s eyes are drawn to first. Because there, sitting on the couch, sits Taehyung, but he’s not alone, no. Jisoo has purchased a seat on stop of the man's lap, her lips are clearly attached to his neck. 

Jeongguk stops frozen, his racing heart coming to an abrupt stop before picking up once again. That bubbling feeling that was inevitably growing in the pit of his stomach explodes, now spreading across his whole body, feeling as if it’s taken shelter there. 

“Taehyung, what the fuck?” For a moment, Jeongguk forgot Yoongi was beside him if it wasn’t for his sudden voice. The latter also not moving from the doorway. He wants so desperately to rip his gaze away from the couch, to look at Yoongi, anything other than that couch. He can’t, just because Jeongguk likes to torture himself that much more, he doesn’t look away from Jisoo who’s so close to Taehyung. So obviously caught in the moment, her long nails gripping Taehyung’s shoulders, her legs either side of Taehyung’s lap, his hands around her waist. The same position Jeongguk was in not that long ago. 

He thinks back to a few days ago, when Jimin had mentioned how obviously Taehyung cared for him, how he’s never seen him act that way around someone. Jimin might’ve been right, Taehyung may have cared for him, but not in the way Jimin was suggesting. Looking back, he wants to scoff, tell Jimin how that’s not the case at all. That if Taehyung so blatantly cares for Jeongguk, then he wouldn’t have done something like this. 

But then, why couldn’t he? 

They’re not dating, not official, they’re not anything really. So Taehyung had every right to see other people, it’s Jeongguk that’s caught feelings, not Taehyung. Somehow, knowing this, hurts more. Stupidly, Jeongguk never thought of the possibility of Taehyung with someone else. Or maybe he did, maybe he just pushed that thought at the far back of his mind in favour of saving whatever it is that they have-  _ had _ . Maybe it was fine just not knowing, but now he does, now he can see Taehyung with someone else and it  _ hurts _ . It hurts so much that it’s no longer enough. It used to be enough, it used to be okay because Jeongguk was selfishly able to see Taehyung, be with him when the other needed. 

But that’s no longer the case, he can’t- won’t do that to himself. 

It’s with these thoughts in mind that forces Jeongguk to rip his gaze away, swallowing that knot in the back of his throat, an attempt to compose himself before looking back up. Calmer. 

Taehyung instantly looked up at Yoongi’s voice, his eyes flickering to the elder before landing on Jeongguk’s lingering figure. If Jeongguk’s eyes weren't fixed on the girl in Taehyung lap, he would’ve noticed the latter’s shock. 

“Jeongg-“

“I’m sorry.” Jeongguk interipts, for once, not wanting to hear Taehyung speak. He reminds himself that Taehyung has a right, that he didn't do anything wrong, so he swallows. Even though his next words are much calmer, it still hurts, he still doesn’t want to hear Taehyung try to explain or talk for that matter. 

“I’ll leave.” He announces, already turning on his hills to leave, not allowing anyone the chance to say anything. He doesn’t want to hear it, he just wants to go home and over think it all later, but not now. If he had stayed, if Jeongguk had waited a minute longer, then he would’ve seen Taehyung get up from his position. Frantic as he makes his way to the door before Yoongi stops him, giving him a stern look. But he doesn’t. 

It’s much later, when Jeongguk’s in the comfort of his own room - well, it was until he remembered the last time Taehyung slept over, the night they shared and just talked - when Namjoon came home and asked what he wanted for dinner. Jeongguk explained how he wasn’t hungry and had a big lunch, a lie of course. When his brother later asked what was wrong, that Jeongguk was obviously upset about something but he pushed his brother away, forced a smile and said he’s fine. 

It’s after receiving a single text from Taehyung. 

**[7:27] Taehyung:** I’m sorry _.  _

Of course Jeongguk didn’t reply, he opened it, but didn’t reply. He just can’t bring himself to talk to Taehyung right now, has no idea what he would even say. Jeongguk should be telling Taehyung he shouldn’t be sorry, that’s there’s nothing to apologise for because they were nothing really. Yet, he can’t even bring himself to do that. 

It’s after all of this that Jeongguk gets a text from Eunwoo. 

**[7:56] Eunwoo** :  _ you decided if you’re coming this weekend? _

**[7:56] Eunwoo** :  _ you never come to these things. _

**[7:57] Eunwoo:** _it’ll be fun, I promise._

Jeongguk sits there in the dark of his room, staring down at his phone screen in contemplation. It’s true, he never does go out, he doesn’t see the appeal in getting shit faced amongst strangers. But right now, as he drowns in his sorrows, the thought of Taehyung and Jisoo, so intimately close together, stains his mind. So, right now, the idea of parting for the night, getting so drunk he won’t remember the events of today, sound amazing to Jeongguk. 

  
**[8:03] Jeongguk:** _I’ll be there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn this chapter was a lot!  
> I’m so off and on with this story, I can’t decide if I like it or not. It’s taking a lot out of me man, I enjoy writing so much but take so long lmao.  
> I’d promise to post quicker but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Instead, I’ll promise I’ll finish this eventually, I won’t just leave it unfinished. 
> 
> For everyone that’s stuck with this series, thank you (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞  
> You guys are so sweet! 
> 
> What did you guys think of this chapter honestly? I appreciate all feedback and want to see if it’s just me in thinking it’s become slightly confusing? I’ll do my best to explain more so in later chapters. Everything will be revealed by the end, I have everything planned out. Im just hoping it’ll turn out like I hoped. 
> 
> Anyway, as always I hope you all enjoyed!  
> Kudos and comments keep an author alive. I’ll hope to see you all soon!  
> ♡´･ᴗ･`♡
> 
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)


	8. VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung had enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is well and staying safe <3  
> This one is a bit of a long one but it’s definitely worth it, believe me. :)  
> Enjoy!

Opening his eyes is a struggle. 

It’s always been a struggle for Taehyung to keep his eyes open when they threaten to close with heavy sleep weighing them down. He hasn’t managed to get a wink of sleep that night, even more so than usual.

_This is good._

Taehyung tells himself _._

_You deserve this._

_This is a good thing._

Normally, his nights without Jeongguk consist of him sleeping on the floor, getting a few hours of sleep max. Recently, Taehyung has attempted to sleep on his bed - which he originally bought as a prop, pretending he sleeps on his bed when only a few know otherwise - wanting so desperately to get over the fear of sleeping on his mattress. With those few times he tried, came the nightmares, usually the same ones, more like old memories of his past. Featuring himself or his mum, even his brother, getting beaten by his old man. The memory is different each time but the concept remains the same. 

At least with sleeping on the floor his mind is at some peace, it was only last night that even the floor didn’t aid in a better night's sleep. 

Taehyung was up all night, not because of the nightmares - he slept on the floor that night, knowing he won’t be able to have a peaceful sleep without his haven beside him - but because of his mind recollecting everything that had happened. The guilt and anxiety keeping him up, unallowing him even an hour's sleep before he’s up again. 

It all happened so fast, he never expected for Jeongguk to show up like he did. Hell, Taehyung never expected Jisoo to arrive unannounced either, but it just… happened. 

She’s… a hookup, Taehyubg supposes, someone he would turn to when his old girlfriends - if he can even call them that, more like girls he thought could entertain him at the time before he ditched them like the rest - became boring, and Jisoo was always a good fuck. 

Since meeting Jeongguk, Taehyung hasn’t been with anyone new, hasn’t reached out to Jisoo for another night of make out sessions, exploring bodies, inevitably ending in sex. It’s not like Taehyung thought he wasn’t allowed to anymore, he just didn’t want to, the urge never came. Thinking about it, he hasn’t sought out potential partners - again, he doesn’t know what to call them, victims? - since he initially wanted to mess with Jeongguk, knowing Jeongguk was battling with his sexuality because of him was fun to mess with. 

Until it wasn’t. That stopped becoming his motive a long time ago, Taehyung questions if it ever was, wonders if deep down he knew he couldn’t hurt Jeongguk like the rest of his old bed-mates. 

But none of that matters now because he’s royally fucked up, and bad. 

He never invited Jisoo round, was even surprised to see her visit. She kind of just, latched onto him, in a way. Taehyung invited her in after her complaint about not being laid in months, though Taehyung doubts that’s actually true. If he knows Jisoo, she would’ve undoubtedly found another side hookup, but Taehyung didn’t ask, he doesn’t care much for her life outside of the bedroom. 

She made a move.

Taehyung tried to enjoy it, he really did, but her kisses just felt wet and annoying if anything. He eventually gave in, realised that it was useless and he wouldn’t get off to any of it. Taehyung debated whether to just go with the unwanted touches or find a way to stop them. But it was far too late by that point. 

Jeongguk saw it all. 

And fuck, did that hurt. 

Jeongguk’s mortified expression burned into his head, an image he can’t shake from his mind, the first thing he sees as soon as his eyes flutter shut. It hurts, more than Taehyung allowed himself to imagine. Yet, he accepts it all; the pain, guilt, sadness. He just allows himself to feel like this because it’s what he _deserves_ , it’s a long time coming really. 

He tried, for a brief moment, he selfishly tried to chase after Jeongguk, knowing he was hurting. It was instinct really, to fix whatever it was that caused such a saddened expression. Taehyung was stopped of course, Yoongi never allowed him to chase after the younger, pushing him away until he stumbled back into his apartment. 

_“What have you done?”_ Yoongi had said, hissing as he pointed an accusing finger at him. Yoongi glanced back at the door, debating his next action before snapping his head back to Taehyung. _“I’ll deal with you later.”_ Yoongi had finished with, rushing out the door to, what Taehyung had assumed, chase after Jeongguk. It was not that long later that Yoongi had returned, but with no Jeongguk beside him. By that point, Taehyung has already kicked Jisoo out, curtly explaining how he didn’t want for their fuck sessions to continue. Yoongi never did speak to him, Taehyung was quick to barricade himself in his room. It never stopped Yoongi from entering before, pushing his way through until he sorted Taehyung’s shit out. Only this time, it was around 20 minutes later that he heard their front door opening and closing once again. Taehyung was met with silence, left alone with his thoughts eating away at him and his shame. 

_Good_ , he had thought. _It’s what you deserve_ . Taehyung told himself. He later texted Jeongguk with the only thing he could say. _‘I’m sorry._ ’ It’s because he is, there’s nothing more for him to say other than that. An explanation would be pointless, it would only serve to hurt Jeongguk more. Why pour salt on a fresh and open wound. 

Taehyung eventually forces himself up from the floor, his limbs aching and screaming in protest. He makes a face when his joints pop and click, the result of sitting in such an uncomfortable position for hours on end. Reaching for his phone, he at least expects a notification from someone, anyone he actually cares about. 

He gets none.

 _Right, this is what you deserve, you did this._

A sickening panic starts to surface, an unsettling feeling beginning to form and rise. It’s very similar to bile in the way that it burns, can feel it in his throat and stomach. The voice is no longer his own, rather, it’s his father's voice. His father who he hasn’t seen in over a decade, yet the voice sounds the same, as if he never left Taehyung life. 

_You did this_. 

It’s his brother's voice. Taehyung can picture his brother's face, outright disgusted as he looks at Taehyung, the image burnt in his head like many others. 

Fuck, Taehyung craves for something that can drown out the voices, erase the images and replace them for something blurred. He itches for it. It’s moments like these that he wished he never cut Dongwoo from his life, should’ve disregarded his ways, turn a blind eye to his child-like behaviour. All in favour of the coke he provided, and a lot of it. He’s still able to get it, only, it's not the good shit. It’s cut cocaine, cheaper, but not as good.

So when night time falls and Jackson asks if he's busy tonight, _‘are you coming to the race?’_ Taehyung is quick to reply with a _yeah_. This is the distraction Taehyung needs, be it only for a few minutes of burning rubber, hearing the screeching from the cars, the taste of exhaust filled air. He’ll take it.

 **[6:48] Yoongi:** _at Jimin’s, will be home soon._

 **[6:49] Yoongi:** _I didn’t tell him anything, you’re lucky I care for your ass cuz he’s gonna kill me when he finds out._

 **[6:49:] Yoongi** : _we’ll talk when I’m home._

Yoongi texted him just before Taehyung left, not wanting to talk about it at the moment. Yoongi’s definitely going to be mad later, but that’s later. For now, Taehyung just wants to get lost for a while. 

The race played out like many others before, sitting in a car so closed to the ground, designed to not only look appealing but engineered to be powerful. He watched all the contestants admire their car with something akin to awe, praising their machine as if it was alive. It was an easy win, the tracks being ones Taehyung has grown so accustomed to, races against people he's raced with many times before. 

But it's not about winning or losing, it never has been for Taehyung. Yeah, the extra money he makes is great, but it's about the rush of it all. The thrill of being in control of the very thing that could kill you, the speed being so dangerous yet feels so light.

“Heard you kicked Jisoo out last night, what gives dude?” Jackson asks him, passing a joint to Taehyung as he addresses him. After the race, they relocated to somewhere more private, walking the trek to the abandoned tracks, a train hasn't been seen in sight for years. There're rustic crates scattered around the place, all in different positions. That's where they are now, in a crate Taehyung’s learned to familiarise himself with, having been here many times before.

“Shit, Jisoo needs to learn to shut her mouth sometimes.” Taehyung comments after a long drag of his blunt, the drug rushing through his body, its effects are immediate.

“Wait, really? ‘Thought she was a good fuck?” Taehyung scoffs, waving Bambam’s comment off with his free hand before passing the joint to said man. Taehyung shrugs his shoulders, the material of his top bunching up as he leans against the metal of the crate.

“She was, but I got bored.” That earns a scoff from Yugyeom.

“A fucks a fuck, man, and Jisoo’s good, much nicer than some of the others.” Yugyeom says, looking at Taehyung in amusement.

“I think she was kinda upset, hurt her pride.” Jackson adds, passing the joint around once again as he moves to lay down, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. He looks out of it, pupils blown. Fuck, Taehyung isn’t too far off from that stage himself, riding his high from earlier and now this, he feels good. Light. 

Taehyung recognises what he did as shitty, he just doesn’t care much. It probably about time they ended their little sessions. If anything Jisoo should be happy, she’s free from Taehyung's shit. There’s no denying she has other side men, she’s not losing much.

Taehyung’s no good, she’s better off without him. 

As is Jeongguk. 

Taehyung swallows then, taking an extra long drag in hopes to will away the thoughts. The voices have stopped since being here, faded until they’re a hushed mumble, nothing but incoherent words. The pictures suffer the same fate, the faces fade into something blurred. What he could once see as distinct features, morph into unrecognisable faces. 

“She’ll be fine,” Taehyung waves the comment off. “I’m not her only fuck.”

BamBam snorts. “You got that right.” He says with a knowing grin, Jackson kicks him from where he lays. Taehyung rolls his eyes but smiles regardless, laughing along with everyone.

“What about that kid- what was his name?” Yugyeom asks after the laughter dies now, the attention back on Taehyung once again. 

“Jeongguk?” Jackson questions. 

Taehyung just hums, following Jackson’s lead and flopping on the floor, the lovely effects of the drug finally taking a toll on him. 

“You still fuckin’ him? Didn’t take you for someone that’d be into dick.” Yugyeom continues, slurring as he speaks. 

Taehyung shrugs. “I can swing both ways, yeah.” He begins to draw imaging patterns in the air, only stopping when his arms start feeling too heavy. “But I ain’t fucking him.” 

“Whatever man, he’s clearly interested.” Taehyung doesn’t respond to Yugyeom, deciding there’s nothing worth commenting on.

“You should’ve seen him at Mark's party.” BamBam says then, coughing after inhaling too much. Taehyung stifles a laugh. 

“What happened?” Jackson questions after sitting up, obviously intrigued. 

“Oh, I heard ‘bout that, you beat the shit out of Hojin over some boy. Man was Hojin pissed, sayin’ you got involved when he was harassed by some fag.” Yugyeom remarks, clearly satisfied at remembering the story, a false one Taehyung would like to point out. 

“Shit, really?” Jackson asks, his eyes now widening in, what Taehyung guesses, realisation. “Wait, was the kid Namjoon’s brother?”

Taehyung groans. “You guys should know better than to listen to the shit that comes out of Dongwoo and his lil’ friends mouths.”

“Enlighten us then.” 

“It’s basically what you just said, though Yoongi never got involved and Jeongguk never made a move on Hojin.” Taehyung makes a face at the unwanted image. He sits up then. Taehyung is so done with this story, he’s done with Dongwoo and his friends shit, spreading false rumours in order to save face. “Hojin was being a dick, like usual, and just started to cause trouble, so- so I got involved.” Taehyung shrugs nonchalantly, speaking as if it’s no big deal because… well, it isn’t. He watched the whole thing after Yoongi dragged him away from Jackson, seething as he yanked him up and back to the others. Hojin was the one beginning to get violent. It was far too late for any reason, Taehyung saw red, reacting on instinct, not giving it a single thought as he began lashing out at the man. 

He doesn’t regret it, Hojin got what he deserved in the end.

“Shit dude.” BamBam exclaims, shock evident in his expression. The blunt between his fingers pausing halfway to his mouth, said mouth that’s slightly hung open. Taehyung narrows his eyes at his friend's obvious bewilderment. “This kid’s fuckin’ smitten, aren’t you?”

Taehyung swallows. 

“Oh fuck, you’re actually gone for Namjoon’s brother.” BamBam adds, the bewildered look not fading. 

“Fuck off.” Taehyung says, neither denying nor confirming BamBam’s comment. But he’s right, Taehyung is deeply, utterly gone for Jeongguk. It’s something he never thought he would feel let alone admit, but here he is, getting shit faced in a means to forget how undeserving he is of the younger. So he’ll stay here for a little while longer, drown in his self pity before returning home to a very angry Yoongi. 

Once again, Taehyung is royally fucked. 

He was right, returning home was a mistake. Yoongi was waiting for him, had stayed up waiting on their couch, looking completely outraged. At first he had sighed in relief, his face morphing from worry to relief, until it settled on something dark. He rose from his potions, standing up on stable legs as he marched towards Taehyung, pointing an accusing finger at him. 

“How _dare_ you ignore me.” Yoongi practically pits. Now, this is the thing about Yoongi and himself, they are so similar in ways that it’s actually kind of scary. They both share the misfortune of being unable to control their anger, they both allow it to consume them, not even trying to hide it. That, plus the pair are equally as stubborn as the other. 

“When I text you, I expect for you to reply. Not for you to leave me on read, you actual pile of shit.” 

“‘M sowwy.” Taehyung slurs, already moving away from the doorway and towards his bedroom, wanting nothing more than to lay down. Though, he won’t be able to sleep, not at the risk of him having another nightmare. Yoongi’s reluctant to let him leave, following close behind, forcing his way into Taehyung's room.

“Look at me.” Taehyung does, glancing up at him in a complete daze. “For fuck sake- are you high?” 

Taehyung does nothing but stare for a while, blinks, before scoffing and turning away. “This kid- look, I know you’re probably feeling sorry for yourself right now, but-“

“‘M not.” That’s a lie and Yoongi knows it, the other man breathes through his nose for a moment, an attempt to compose the anger they both know is teetering on the edge of overflowing. 

“-but, acting like this is just not doing anyone any favours.” Yoongi sighs then, sitting on the edge of Taehyung mattress. 

“I told you,” Yoongi begins to speak again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I warned you not to mess with Jeongguk, that this would come back and bite you in the ass.” 

“Hyung, don’t.” Taehyung replies, stern. 

“Excuse me? I’m not the one who fucked up here. I mean, honestly, what were you even thinking?” 

“I-“ 

“No, that’s right, you weren't thinking. Because if you were, you wouldn’t have done that to the kid, you _knew_ something like this would happen.” 

“Leave it! I duh-did what you wanted, he’s gone, probably won’t forgive me.” Taehyung only realises he raised his voice after frustratingly ridding himself of his top, said top that’s started to dampen from his sweat. He glances at Yoongi’s stunned expression, that is until the other man shakes his head, gaze much darker, angrier. _Bingo_ , Taehyung thinks, he was waiting for Yoongi to lose his calm. 

“What I wanted?- I’m trying to fucking help you, brat! You know that’s not what I meant, it was either you sort your shit out or you stop seeing the kid, not to hurt him.” 

“No you’re not, you’re lecturing me over some’in I already know! Okay? I _know_.” 

“Because I’m mad! And not just because of what you did hurt Jeongguk, which was very shitty can I add.” Taehyung huffs at that. “But because you’re hurting too, because I know you care for that kid.”

“Duh-Don’t, jus’ stop.”

“No! Look at you,” Yoongi gives him a sympathetic look, standing from his sitting position. Taehyung may be taller in comparison to Yoongi, but right now, he feels so small, so weak. “Don’t lie and tell me you don’t, you’re a mess, Tae.” 

“‘M not lying, I do care. Which is why ‘s for the best. It’s good, ‘s what I deserve. Jeongguk deserves better.” Yoongi’s initial anger fades instantly, replaced by a soft, calmer look. Taehyung doesn’t know if that’s worse. 

“You want each other.” Taehyung doesn’t say anything back to that, only looks down at his feet like a scolded child. But in reality he’s thinking; thinking about how much of a fuck up he is, it’s feels as if the stars were signed for him at a younge age. That his only purpose is to hurt everyone that surrounds him. 

Yoongi sighs. “I’ll drop it, for now. Let’s just- let’s get you a drink of water or somethin’.” Taehyung nods along, allowing for Yoongi to guide him towards the kitchen. It’s there that Taehyung begins to speak again.

“Hyung,” Yoongi hums, moving around the kitchen for a glass. “I like him.” The elder stills, turning back around to face him. Taehyung’s leaning against the kitchen counter, staring down at his finger. It wasn’t that long ago that these fingers were intertwined with Jeongguk’s, it makes him swallow around a forming lump. 

“I know.” 

“I think I lost him.” 

***

What pisses Taehyung off is fucking moody, demanding, ungrateful customers. 

Don’t get him wrong, he has many satisfied customers, people that are overjoyed with the outcome. Knowing that his art can make a person so thrilled, all smiley faced and happy. Taehyung receives a bliss pleasure each time that happens, especially when his art holds so much meaning to that person. Be it a date of someone's birthday, a symbol of their love for another human, it doesn’t matter the reason. Each time it makes him smile, it’s one of the main reasons he chose this line of work, that and because it was convenient since his best friend owns the store. But, it’s still a main factor as to why he loves this job. 

There’s some days where he can’t stand the look of people’s overjoyed expression after receiving a personal tattoo. It’s not fair that these people get to bask in happiness while Taehyung drowns in his sorrow, his guilt. 

Taehyung still gets them customers that are just out to get him. Complaining about every little detail, it’s rare for that to happen - usually his customers are content with Taehyung’s work - but this week it feels like he received a handful of the ungrateful bunch. 

They're the type of people to not show much gratitude, getting a tattoo for the sake of it and then leaving. Taehyung, strangely enough, likes the stories that come with each tattoo, could listen to people talk for hours about it. So when a customer comes in, asking for the most basics of tattoos with no real story other than “it looks nice.” You could say Taehyung wasn’t all too happy about that. But then, that could be better than listening to someone sap story, he wouldn’t of listened to it without feeling jealous, jealous that these people are happy. 

Or maybe, this week has been one of the shittiest weeks for Taehyung in general, that he’s picking up on every minor detail, finding everything is annoying him. You could say Taehyung isn’t the happiest at the moment, he’s snapped at almost everyone already.

All because he hasn’t been able to get a wink of sleep.

Taehyung’s also angry at himself, mostly about how he hurt Jeongguk, yet he continues to remind himself how it’s for the better. Taehyung shouldn’t feel disappointed that the younger hadn’t replied to him, just left him on read. He wonders if this is how Yoongi felt when he did the same, only Taehyung has a suspicion that this feels _worse_. Once again, Taehyung reminds himself why it’s for the better, almost like someone’s chanting a mantra at him. 

_Jeongguk will be safer without you._

In the end Yoongi becomes bored of his shit, decides to invite him on a night out with himself and Jimin. 

Obviously he tried to protest, he’s not in much of a party mood, obviously. But Yoongi was reluctant to let him stay at home, basking in his self-pity.

Truth be told, he’s tired. 

So devastatingly tired that he could pass out at any given moment. As if his insomnia wasn’t enough, Taehyung no longer finds much comfort in sleeping on the floor, every time he does so, Jeongguk’s face appears. Which is why recently, Taehyung moved to sleep on the bed once again. Even if Jeongguk isn’t beside him, to hold his hand and sooth him into sleep, he’d choose the nightmares of his father over seeing Jeongguk’s hurt expression any day. So he sleeps on his bed and as expected, the nightmares find him. 

It’s draining; the faces, the voices, the memories. Taehyung used to think, in his teenage years, that his hatred for his father was going to fade away with time. And yet, now that his father is out of his life, Taehyung found he despises him even more. The man still haunts his dreams, follows him around like a shadow.

Taehyung itches to make them fade, so desperately wants them to leave him alone even for a night. His only haven’t is getting high, taking many different substances until he feels like he’s floating. Drinking helps yes, but it’s not as powerful as a drug would, the effects lasting longer. He supposes he should thank Yoongi for this opportunity to get shit faced. Normally Taehyung would be content for a night out at the club, loose himself amongst so many bodies, drinking, dancing. Overall a stress free night. But now, Taehyung can’t bring himself to feel the slightest bit of joy, would rather just forget in the comfort of his own home.

Despite knowing this, he’s still out with Yoongi and Jimin, leaving his apartment to one of the more popular clubs. 

Said club, on the outside, looks hectic. Pulse is spelled out in simple lettering on the glass doors, two stern, yet incredibly bored-looking bouncers are bound at either ends of the door. The inside looks like your regular night club. 

They slip in amongst the crowd, pushing past hot bodies grinding on each other, making a beeline for the bar. 

“Fuck, I needed this.” Jimin exclaims, his voice raising an octave in order to be heard over the blaring sound of the music. Yoongi stuck to his word and hasn’t voiced anything to his boyfriend, Jimin remaining oblivious to Taehyung's mistakes. If he’s honest, Taehyung supposed Jeongguk would’ve said something to Jimin, considering how close they’ve become. He half expected to show up and Jimin rip into him, what he lacks in size he makes up for in rage, especially when someone hurts the one he loves. Ultimately, Yoongi and Jimin are perfect for each other. But, Taehyung’s surprised to discover how unknowing his friend is. 

The club is electric tonight, everyone feeding off of the smiles and fast dancing. Taehyung hates it, hates how happy people look. He’s already two drinks in, the only thing he was partly looking forward to. Yet, it does nothing to ease his sour mood. He mourns the nights where his feet moved to the beat like he belonged, getting lost amongst the crowd, carefree if even for a moment. 

Yoongi says nothing but smiles endearingly at Jimin, taking small sips from his drink, he’s been cradling it close to his chest for the majority of the night. They’ve barely been here for longer than an hour, yet Taehyung is more than ready to leave. 

“What is up with you recently?” Jimin asks then, though not unkindly. He’s smiling as he addresses Taehyung, sipping bigger gulps of his drink than Yoongi. Jimin’s teetering on the verge of being drunk. Taehyung guesses with a few more drinks in the other's system he’d be completely gone.

“Nothing.” Taehyung says with a shrug, crossing his legs on one of the stools close to the bar. He managed to nab one as soon as they arrived, refusing to move since. Yoongi gives him a look then, an eyebrow raised but he doesn’t comment. Thankfully.

“You’ve been miserable all night, aren’t you happy to see me?” Jimin teases, tilting his head to the side. Taehyung scoffs, but hides it behind his glass. 

“You wished.” Jimin giggles, completely unaware of Taehyung musings. He wonders if Jimin would react like this if he knew of Taehyung’s doings, if he’d still be as smiley faced and joking if he knew how he hurt Jeongguk. Maybe he should tell Jimin, allow him to lash out on him and tell him how much of a bad person he is. He deserves that and more.

“Come, ‘let’s dance.” Jimin begins tugging his shirt, pulling the sleeve in an attempt to get him off the stool Taehyung had taken shelter on. He groans then, protesting as he stays grounded, unwilling to move an inch. 

“Please.” Jimin whines, feigning a strop as he pouts. Any other day Taehyung might’ve been amused, but right now he just feels so unenthusiastic, wanting nothing but to stay rooted on this seat as the time passes. 

“Kim Taehyung! ‘Wanna Dan- oh!” Jimin abruptly lets go of his sleeve, his eyes trained on something behind him. The latter breaks out into a smile then, wide with clear joy. 

“Guk!” 

The unsettling feeling is instant, the nickname is enough to set Taehyung on edge, stilling all movement as he sits. He doesn’t want to look behind him, is far too scared to. Yoongi looks past Taehyung’s shoulder as well, eyes landing on whatever- well, whoever is behind him. He glances at Taehyung then behind him once more, a sympathetic look clear in the way his face softens. 

Jimin waves his hand in a gesture to invite someone over, only to frown and lower his hand instantly with a small “oh” falling past his lips. The pink haired male turns to his boyfriend, slurring as he says, “I’ll be back.” 

It’s then that Taehyung looks behind him, only to find himself face to face with all his problems. For a moment, Taehyung forgets how to breathe, holding his breath as he stares at the person before him, though it’s a good distance apart, it affects Taehyung all the same. He’s never like this, has never acted this way over anyone ever, he wonders when Jeongguk began to hold so much power over him. Panic floods his veins and dulls his senses when Jeongguk catches his sight, looking shocked for a fraction of a second before schooling his expression. All he can do is feel, feel the sorrow in his chest.

Jimin and Jeongguk meet halfway, chatting amongst the crowd. Obviously, Taehyung can’t make out a thing they’re saying, their words lost in the music, in the hundreds of other voices. Jeongguk doesn’t appear alone, a few other male bodies lingering behind him, watching the exchange between him and Jimin. That unsettling feeling returns, this time it’s different, green and hungry. Taehyung stands up then, finally discarding his position on the seat, his legs begin to unwillingly move on their own. However, he doesn't get very far as a firm hand on his chest stops him, keeping him grounded.

He snaps his head forward again, looking back at Yoongi whose hand remains stationed on the upper half of his chest.

“Taehyung, wait. Just think-“ 

“I’m fine.” Taehyung’s quick to interject, though he didn’t say it unkindly. Rather, it came out tired, a hint of a sigh hidden in his words. Yoongi nods once, lowering his hand. It’s then that Taehyung recognises a familiar face in the distance, the club is packed with people so it's hard for Taehyung to recognise. Eventually, a few people move, revealing Kai talking amongst some friends. Taehyung doesn't know the latter personally per se, more, they’ve shared a few conversations here and there during Taehyung's earlier racing days. They’re more like friends of friends.

Despite this, Taehyung moves then, already walking in the direction of where Kai and his friends stand. He leaves, not giving Yoongi any warning as he moves past him, his mind already made up. Taehyung just needs to get away, he could go home, call it a night and get shit faced and high in the comfort of his bedroom. Yet, he thinks otherwise since Yoongi would murder him if he left without a single warning, only to later discover the state Taehyung is in, and _then_ murder him. 

“Yo, Taehyung!” Someone shouts then, one of Kai’s many friends that Taehyung can’t discern. That earns Kai's friend's attention, Kai waving for him to come over with a smile. Taehyung musters up his best smile, an attempt to appear friendlier than his scowling persona. 

He remains with them for the rest of the night, migrating to the furthest end of the club, the busiest part since that's where the mosh pit is. He lost sight of the bar a while ago, hidden amongst so many people. The night consists of Kai and his friends sharing stories, talking about any crap they can think of. A good portion of the time, Taehyung zones out, their voices merging with the many others around him. Yet, he laughs when he needs to, smiles when everyone else does, overall feigning interest. Because that's what Taehyung does best, lie. How else do you think he managed to get lovers to fall for him? They for sure never fell for this Taehyung. No, they fell for his fake smiles, his caring words, pretending he understands them. They soon discover his lie though. As soon as Taehyung gets bored he stops putting the effort in, becoming distant until they realise.

His mind drifts back to Jeongguk then, much like it has been doing for days. Taehyung recollects their moments together, looking back at their shared words, the smiles, the laughs. Taehyung realises never once did he fake any of them.

At some point, they venture outside, talking where it’s much quieter in favour of lighting a cigarette. He’s relieved to be away from it all, even for a moment. 

“-You should’ve seen him, he looked ridiculous- Taehyung?” He looks back then, cigarette still in hand. He's been so out of it that the majority of his smoke has burnt out, the ash falling from the end. 

“You with us?” Chanyeol asks, that’s when Taehyung notices everyone’s eyes on him. It's more than likely that they were talking to him and he was… well, distracted. 

“What?” Chanyeol rolls his eyes while Kai snorts.

“What’s with you? Is this because of the shit Dongwoo’s been sayin’?” Baekhyun asks, an eyebrow raised as he inhales a breath of smoke. Taehyung is so sick of hearing that name, he’s so done with Dongwoo’s shit. It’s weird, Taehyung thinks, how much people claim to dislike Dongwoo, find him extremely annoying and cocky, yet they're quick to believe the pure shit that falls from his mouth.

Rather than explain how it’s not Dongwoo’s antics that take up a good position of his attention, that Dongwoo hasn’t earned an ounce of his worries. Taehyung’s heard passing comments here and there, some new, some old. 

It's in fact someone entirely different that keeps him distracted, Taehyung just hums instead, agreeing is much easier.

“Man, I really hate that guy, thinking he owns everyone just cus’ of his bloodline.” Kyungsoo mumbles from beside Kai, his brows narrowing as he speaks.

“‘Bout time someone puts him in his place.” Chanyeol says.

“No one will, ‘cus his Uncle-” 

“Who gives a fuck about his Uncle. He wouldn't do jack shit.” Chanyeol interrupts Baekhyun, agreeing with Kyungsoo.

Kai hums them, finishing the cigarette between his fingers before he stomps it out. “Why would he involve himself with his nephew's petty feuds? He wouldn’t, everyone knows if his Uncle was to find out the shit Dongwoo got up to then he’d more than likely disown the kid.”

Taehyung scoff’s, earning everyone's attention after standing in silence, quietly watching the exchange in conversation. “I wouldn't go as far as say his Uncle would disown him, ‘cus let's be real, he ain't no saint himself. But he’d sure be in a heap of shit especially considering their family is big on respect and class, not wanting a bad name.”

“Exactly! Which is why Dongwoo’s always seeking respect from people when that ain't jus’ given freely, that shit’s earnt.”

“I remember when Dongwoo started talking shit about the way I race, I swear he acts like a kid at school, spreading his rumours with his minions following him around.” Kyungsoo’s comment earns a chuckle from everyone, Taehyung doesn't laugh but he is slightly amused. He soon finishes his cigarette, stumping it out with the tip of his shoes. They begin the trek back to the club as they talk, they ventured further from the doors than Taehyung realised. 

“Oh fuck, I remeber that. Man, what did he say again? That you was too sho-” 

“I swear to fuck, Chanyeol. If you finish that sentance, I’ll shove this fag so far up your ass-“

“He was too short to reach the accelerator so he had to get one of them special booster seats!” Kai finished for Chanyeol, laughing wildly as he receives a deadly look from kyungsoo.

“Oh, fuck you!” Kyungsoo shouts once they’re back in the club, shoving past bodies once again. “I hate you all.”

“Awe,‘think Kyungsoo’s mad, don’t you think… Taehyung?” Baekhyun trails off, looking at him in bewilderment.

However, Taehyung doesn't notice, their voices instantly drown out.

He was rounding another corner, eyes adjusting to the harsh lighting coming from the stage, flashing and blinding as he attempted to get back to where they were before they left. But he stops, blinking and then blinking again because Yoongi and Jimin remain next to the bar, only this time Jeongguk is with them.

But, that isn’t what results in Taehyung stopping dead in his tracks. No, Because Jeongguk is no longer _alone_.

There’s a nameless guy with his back to Taehyung almost shielding Jeongguk from his view. For a moment, Taehyung thinks that hes wrong, that his mind is playing tricks on him just to torture him futher. He hopes he is just seeing things, but there's no mistaking that bright, genuine smile, the one where his teeth are on show.

For a moment, Taehyung just stands there, watching the scene play out in front of him as everything slowly starts to fade away, leaving no one other than Jeongguk and that guy who’s far too close to be considered friendly.

_oh._

Said guy leans in then, trailing his hand from Jeongguk’s then up to his shoulder. Taehyung remains motionless, his body stiff from any movement. 

_He’s touching him._

_Jeongguk._

_He’s touching my Jeongguk._

_Mine._

That unsettling feeling returns, only stronger. Much stronger. Taehyung has never had the privilege to experience jealousy but he supposes that’s what you can call what he’s feeling now, jealousy. He’s quick to discover how much he hates it already, how it’s consuming him, dulling all senses, leaving him left to watch and just _feel_ , feel how his heart aches. He wants to blink and hope when he opens his eyes that the guy has gone, that his mind has concocted up a fake scenario just to spite him. That when he opens his eyes, there’s no one leaning in, teetering on the edge of a mere breath away from each other's lips. 

Taehyung wonders if this is how Jeongguk felt when he found him with Jisoo, wonders if the ache he feels was as strong.

_It’s what you deserve._

The voices have returned again, chanting how Taehyung is unworthy of someone like Jeongguk, how much of a fuck up he is. All taking the form of his father's voice, his brothers.

Then they’re kissing. The stranger's hands tug at Jeongguk’s hair. However, Jeongguk no longer looks comfortable. Jimin and Yoongi aren’t in sight, probably off dancing after Jimin finally convinced someone to join him, and who better to ask than your boyfriend who's weak for you. 

The rage is immediate, consuming his body far too quickly for him to consider what he's doing. His body is completely on autopilot, moving unwillingly towards Jeongguk and ripping the stranger off him roughly, tugging him back by his collar. Their lips barely touched for a second but it was enough, too much. Taehyung's lips curl into a snarl as the guy forcefully turns, he’s confused for barely a second before Taehyung’s punching him square in the nose, causing a commotion, the people around them watch as the stranger tumbles down.

“What the actual fuck!” The guy groans, holding his- probably broken- nose. The stranger stands, looking raged as he swings at Taehyung. He misses, because all Taehyung can see is red as he punches the guy again, this time in the jaw. 

“Taehyung!” There's a voice, he’s pretty sure it’s Jimins but he won't listen. His hearing has dulled, the only sound he can hear is the thumping of his rapid heartbeat.

But then there’s hands on him, roughly pulling him off the stranger. It takes Taehyung a good while until he registers whose hands are stopping him from his ministrations.

Jeongguk.

“Tae, stop!” Taehyung eventually does, spinning around to come face to face with a very shocked Jeongguk. When he eventually looks around, he notices an equally, if not more shocked Jimin and Yoongi staring at them along with a few other strangers.

The guy leans against the bar counter, his blooded nose looking bruised and out of shape. “Don’t touch him!” The words leave Taehyung's mouth involuntarily, he’s uncaring of anything right now because he _touched_ Jeongguk. 

“Let’s go!” Jeongguk pleads, tugging frantically at his arm. Taehyung only now realises how his breaths escape unsteadily, with each inhale he feels like he’s suffocating. His hands shaking with adrenaline.

“You need to calm down!” That’s definitely Yoongi’s voice, he feels more hands on him but they aren't his friends' hands anymore. There's no one here except himself, Jeongguk and the stranger- no, _his father_. 

The guy begins to morph into a face he’s learnt all too well, has spent countless hours staring at as he's beat to nothingness. 

_He touched him._

Subconsciously, Taehyung knows that isn’t his father, he knows it’s just some random guy probably looking for a quick hookup. But he doesn't care, because right now he looks a lot like his father and he _touched_ Jeongguk. 

“H-he tried to hurt you.” Taehyung says, frantically searching for any bruises on Jeongguk’s body.

“No one tried to hurt me- what are you doing?” Taehyung doesn’t stop searching until he knows the younger is fine, that there’s not a single mark on that beautiful body of his. 

“Please Tae, let's go.” Jeongguk pleads again, wanting to escape before they get in trouble. It’s his panicked voice that makes Taehyung comply, allowing Jeongguk to drag him out of the club and into the cold of night. 

It’s when he’s outside, when his eyes are no longer having to squint at the harsh, colourful lighting. When he can actually _breathe_ , that he realises what has just happened. 

_Oh_.

_Jeongguk was with a stranger. That wasn’t his father. Jeongguk was with a stranger who was touching him. But that wasn’t his father._

He’s walking with Jeongguk, the latter latched at his side, dragging him away from the club by his arm with a determined expression. Taehyung hasn’t completely returned yet, he can still see his father's face, the image crystal clear as if it was yesterday his father was beating him for nothing but pure hatred. 

When he does come too, when the face has dulled - still there but not as clear as it was, not to the point where Taehyung believes he’s beside him. That’s when he really takes in Jeongguk.

His determined yes, but there’s something else, something angrier. His face is contorted into a scowl, eyebrows knitted together as he drags Taehyung along. 

“Jeongguk, I’m okay now.”

Nothing.

“Jeongguk, you can let go, I’m okay.” 

Again, nothing. There’s a pause, a moment where Taehyung considers to drop it and just let Jeongguk lead him to wherever he’s leading him. But then he looks at Jeongguk’s expression again, how he’s gripping tightly on Taehyung's wrist, and thinks better of himself. 

“Jeongguk-“

“No!” Jeongguk let’s go then, straightens himself up and swivels around. He’s breathing frantically, his chest visibly rising and falling with the action. “No Taehyung, you- god, what were you thinking!” Jeongguk practically screams, snapping at him with turbulent rage. 

“He touched you!” Taehyung says back, the sickening feeling returning, he wants to throw up at the thought. Taehyung knows okay? He _knows_ ; knows that Jeongguk isn’t his, that he had no right to do what he did. But he can’t shake the image out of his head, the sickening feeling still so fresh he could almost taste it. Rage clouds all logic, all thoughts on how unnatural his reaction is. Taehyung’s never cared for someone enough to act this way, he’s not willing to linger on that thought for now. 

“So? Taehyung, you had no right!” Jeongguk looks around, most likely checking to see if there’s any potential eyes on them. When he notices there’s no one around them, Jeongguk's eyes meet him once again.

“Why are you so mad?” Taehyung asks, taking a step towards the younger only for him to take a step backwards. He raises an eyebrow at that, astonished by his bold move.

“Why am I?- are you serious right now?” When Taehyung looks at him in confusion, not saying anything, only frowning at the younger. Jeongguk continues. “That guy probably has a broken nose, no thanks to you.” 

Taehyung swallows, feeling only slightly guilty. Yet, the anger is so consuming, the image of Jeongguk and the stranger so vivid in his mind, all he saw was red, can still see red. Only now, it’s not as bright. He doesn’t answer Jeongguk then, instead he bites his bottom lip with a frown forming on his features, a means to stop the anger spilling from his mouth. 

“He touched you.” Taehyung mumbles, his voice a lot softer. Jeongguk’s sigh is audible over the silence that has spread, the only noise remaining comes from the cars driving by. 

“You’re infuriating sometimes.” Jeongguk states after a pause. The words only serve to deepen Taehyung’s frown, a scoff involuntarily leaving his mouth.

“And you’ve only just noticed?” Jeongguk huffs, rolling his eyes before looking elsewhere, anywhere that isn’t Taehyung. The latter knows where they are, can register the street as one that is close to his apartment. He doesn’t have any recollection on how they got here, but he isn’t complaining. 

The silence serves as an opportunity for Taehyung to think back over the events of a few minutes ago. He thinks back to talking with Kai and his friends, Dongwoo and his antics, Jimin and how drunk he was. Inevitably, he thinks back to Jeongguk and that guy. He remembers his hands in Jeongguk’s hair, tugging. He remembers Jeongguk’s unpleasant expression as he kissed him, his eyes squeezing shut in, what looked like, pain. It’s with this image, the vivid picture so fresh in his head, that leads Taehyung to say his next words. 

“You didn’t want it, I was trying to help.” 

That was a mistake.

Jeongguk frowns, deep. “Who are you to decide what I want?” The other man's words are surprisingly calm, though Taehyung can see the rage in Jeongguk’s eyes. He thinks this scares him more.

There’s a pause, when no one says anything, when Jeongguk begins searching his eyes in hope to find something, something Taehyung can’t distern. After a minute of hushed silence, Jeongguk scoffs, the noise so loud that Taehyung wouldn’t be surprised if they got some odd looks from strangers passing by. 

“So that’s it, huh?” Jeongguk begins. “You can kiss whoever, fuck whoever you want.” The younger sighs shakily. Taehyung almost winces at the other man's sharp, crude words, said with confidence. “But the moment I’m with someone else, you act like… like this,” Jeongguks waves his hand, trailing Taehyung from head to toe. “An asshole.” 

Taehyung has been called an asshole many times before, sometimes as a joke, others genuine. But when it falls from Jeongguk’s mouth, in that tone and expression, Taehyung has never believed something so strongly. Jeongguk’s right, Taehyunf is an asshole. 

There’s much stronger, deserving words Taehyung could have received. Words that are far more fitting, but inevitably, Jeongguk’s right. 

“Was it worth it? Did you get some gag out of it? Watching me get so flustered because, for once, it was a guy that spiked my interest, was a guy that made me fall to my knees for them, that it was _you_ who made me feel like this?” Jeongguk’s words cut deeper than Taehyung would like to admit, but not because they’re untrue. No, it’s quite the opposite actually. It’s because they _are_ true, because Jeongguk hit the nail on the head. He did enjoy watching Jeongguk get so flustered, was overjoyed to know it was _him_ that made Jeongguk like that. It gave him some sick pleasure. But it stopped becoming the reason why he saw the younger, it stopped being a game as soon as the first night Jeongguk stayed over when he was drunk. Hell, maybe even before that. Yet, he says none of this. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” The younger clicks his tongue. Annoyed. 

“Oh?” Jeongguk feigns curiously, very obviously so. “But I think I do.” Jeongguk argues, a knowing eyebrow raised. 

“Then why the fuck did you stay around for!?” Taehyung holds Jeongguk’s gaze, frantically looking at the younger to see if he’ll give way to any reason as to _why_ he stayed for as long as he did, especially knowing Taehyung's motives.

 _Please, if you know then save yourself from this, from me._

_Please_. 

“Why put yourself through all my shit if-“

“Because a part of me had hoped I was wrong!” Jeongguk interrupts, that definitely did the trick to shut Taehyung up. “I hoped that maybe this wasn’t one sided, even if I knew this meant more to me than it did to you. Even if I knew I meant nothing.” Jeongguk pauses in favour of taking a breath in, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. “I thought that maybe after…” he trails off, frowning deeply as he does so. 

“No, it doesn’t matter because this was some sort of game to you. Did you enjoy seeing whose mind you could mess with, huh? Did you-“ 

“Shut up, Jeongguk.” It was a soft warning, Taehyung grinding down on his teeth when Jeongguk tried to provoke him. 

He doesn’t stop. “Have people hurt you that much in your life that you decide to hurt others in correlation, huh? I’m right aren’t I?” Taehyung doesn’t stop grinding down on his teeth, his jaw aching and teeth gruesomely scrapping. It prevents himself from reacting to Jeongguk’s harsh, yet very accurate, words. He doesn’t answer, knows it’s a rhetorical question. “Or maybe I was wrong about you, maybe you don’t give a shit about who you hurt so long as you get a good fuck out of it.”

“It’s not like that! Not with you.” Taehyung says the words so sternly that he almost scares himself, though Jeongguk doesn’t appear to be backing down, his frantic expression remaining the same. 

“I can’t see any other reason as to why you’d mess with me like that. Taehyung, you don’t care for people like that, I should’ve listened. I don’t see how I’m any different to the other minds you’ve fucked with, used. I don’t see how I’m any different to Jisoo, how-“

Taehyung had enough.

This game of push and pull is too much to endure anyone, it weighs on his shoulders so heavily that he feels he could combust at any given moment. He’d rather jump head first into this temptation that is Jeongguk, the temptation he’s deprived himself from for months, all because he was scared. Taehyung perceives love and feelings as nothing but a chemical reaction, something that makes you weak. Yet, he’s come to realise this whole world is nothing but a chemical reaction, and if liking Jeongguk makes him weak then he’d rather be the weakest man alive if that means he can have him. Like Jeongguk like he wants to, want Jeongguk like he deserves. 

Taehyung rushes from where he stands, breaking the short distance between the two and surges forward, attaching his lips on Jeongguk’s. The latter gasps but accepts the kiss, much to Taehyung's relief.

The kiss holds all the hunger and frustration Taehyung feels, pouring all his emotions into it as his lips mould against his. Taehyung deprived himself from this for too long. He’s not talking about the kiss per se, but the feelings it holds. Because this kiss means Taehyung is no longer walking on eggshells around the younger, avoiding his obvious feelings for Jeongguk. 

It’s like a craving, that’s the best way to describe this feeling, a craving. Taehyung keeps taking and taking yet he keeps wanting more, he wants to feel loved, he wants to know Jeongguk feels the same as he does. It’s scary how much Taehyung wants these feelings to be returned to him, as if it was an easy thing to return. As if feelings like these came easily, as if it was something easy to admit. Jeongguk, he wants these feelings to be returned by Jeongguk. 

So he kisses him while knowing this isn’t a game, that this is real and raw feelings. Laying all his cards out on the table for Jeongguk to see, to take. 

But there’s more to it, he kisses Jeongguk with so much frustration. 

It’s knowing all of this that frustrates him. That after everything, Jeongguk is still here, kissing him back with the same passion when he shouldn’t, Jeongguk should’ve left when he had the chance. Yet, he stayed.

It’s like a battle between lips, so furious and messy yet it’s everything they need at the same time. Taehyung’s lips slid languidly along plush ones, eliciting a dangerously feral whine from the younger. Jeongguk parts his mouth in anticipation, Taehyung doesn’t wait a second to slip his tongue in Jeongguk's mouth, exploring every crevice as he does. The feeling is addicting, it only serves to make Taehyung hungrier, selfish, greedier for more. 

“I want you,” Taehyung says once disconnecting their lips then immediately reattaching them to his neck. His voice raspy with arousal. “Only you.” 

“Then have me.”   
  


***

Somehow, they made it back to Taehyung's apartment, though it sought out to be quite a challenge. The walk seemed endless, admittedly it would’ve only taken them five minutes tops to reach Taehyung’s place, but they were unwilling to detach from each other. Sharing vigorous kisses every so often, latching onto each other as they do so until someone breaks it and continues their trek. 

Their second challenge was actually getting inside. The elevator up was painstakingly slow, their breathing erratic as Taehyung just stares; stares at Jeongguk’s fucked out expression, his hair in a state from greedy, adventurous hands. God, Taehyung’s been dying for this ever since he had the privilege of Jeongguk beneath him that fateful day, a complete wreck. Hell, Taehyung feels the same, he feels too much at once and they’ve only been kissing, the ends of his hair have dampened with sweat, despite the cool evening weather, and they've hardly even begun.

After frantically searching for his keys, checking each pocket with a frustrated growl before remembering there in his inside pocket, Taehyung eventually opens the door. 

For a moment they just stand there, Taehyung's back against the door, the material of his shirt bunching up with his quickened breathing. Jeongguk stands in the open of his apartment, his erratic breathing never ceasing either. No one moves for a minute, the pair staring at each other with an equally hungry gaze. Jeongguk’s bottom lip is trapped between his teeth, fists clenching and unclenching as he looks away, seemingly debating something. 

Taehyung doesn’t allow Jeongguk a second longer to ponder, roughly grabbing him by the arm and positioning him against the door, their roles reversed. Jeongguk releases a breath when his back collides with the door, however, it’s not a pained sound. Rather, the noise comes out high pitched, resulting in Jeongguk lightly blushing and Taehyung raising a curious eyebrow. Though he doesn’t give it a second thought since he’s surging down once again. 

Taehyung’s lips catch his for the millionth time tonight, but it still holds all the passion, the feelings, the arousal. All he can think about is pinning Jeongguk down, teasing him before he combusts from pleasure, claiming him for his own pleasure as a predator would its prey. This thought, the kisses, after finally being relieved of his feelings. All of this combined is what riles Taehyung up the most, his cock painfully twitching under layers of clothing, on the borderline of being too much because it screams for release. 

He forces Jeongguk’s legs apart then, slipping a thigh in between said parted legs and purposely putting pressure on the younger’s crotch. Taehyung doesn’t think he’s ever been so hard from kissing alone, Jeongguk seems to be in the same state as he rocks his hips down, grinding on Taehyung’s thigh and fuck, is that hot. 

“Look at you, fucking my thigh.” Taehyung purs after detaching their lips in favour of watching the younger rut against him. Jeongguk looks completely blissed out, hair damp with sweat and sticking up at the sides. Eyes closed and mouth open and shit, does he look gorgeous like this. “I bet you’re so wet, dripping all for me.” His heart would have surely kicked from the confines of his chest at the moan Jeongguk elicits, his feverish movement becoming quicker in pace.

“Plu-please.” Jeongguk moans in a whisper. Taehyung leans forward, raising his hand to the younger’s face, brushing his thumb against the bottom of his swollen lip in so much affection. His other hand takes purchases on Jeongguk’s jaw, his thumb tracing back and forward motions on his cheek. 

He takes this opportunity to just look at the younger, look at him with endearment and admiration. Taehyung's touch is tender, a complete contrast to their previous motions. But he feels too much at once, wants too much at once that he gives himself a moment to compose himself, not wanting to rush this and just looks. “Only you.” Taehyung whispers, leaning that bit closer, only a mere breath away. Jeongguk opens his eyes, soft noises falling from his lips as he looks back at Taehyung, a glint in his eyes. “I-“

 _I like you so fucking much, want you so fucking much that it scares me_. 

“Only you.” 

They both lean forward into awaiting lips, fingertips grazing over his cheekbones, brushing back strands of his fringe in a gentle manner that leaves Jeongguk’s breath a stuttering mess. Taehyung kisses him softly, a barely there peck, it’s much different to any kiss they’ve shared before. Where this one holds all the words Taehyung can’t convey, proves the mutuality of feelings shared between the two. He leaves one last kiss on his lips, this one being the longest they’ve shared, just pressing lips together with such force until he moves to the younger’s jaw, placing soft kisses there. 

Jeongguk manages to pull away, manoeuvres himself so he’s walking backwards, all while keeping his eyes trained on Taehyung. He instantly knows what the younger is suggesting, asking him to follow every subtle movement, and Taehyung does. He won’t take his eyes off the younger even for a second, just in case he misses something important. 

The gesture is an invitation as such, one that Taehyung already knows he’ll accept. Which leads him to suck in a deep breath and follow the younger’s movements, striding forward with quick feet, his hands ultimately landing on Jeongguk’s face as he surges forward for a fervorous kiss. They both know where this’ll lead them, what comes next, and the thought has Taehyung shaking with both excitement and nerves as his hands begin to explore soft skin. Because Taehyung doesn’t get nervous, not over something he’s done many times before. Sex is a concept that comes so naturaly to him, almost like a routine, the pair selfishly seeking their own pleasure.

But this isn’t something Taehyung has experienced before, having never wanted to please someone so much in his life. Wanting to be _good_ for the younger. So he shakes, but he doesn’t allow it to stop, his hands inevitably landing on the small of Jeongguk’s back. Pushing him impossibly close until he angles his body to bend, his hands now low enough to settle on the back of the younger’s thighs and lifts. 

Jeongguk complies easily with a small yelp at the sudden shift, but he’s quick to latch his limbs around Taehyung. His arms wrap around his neck, hands threading through his hair as his legs meet around Taehyung's backs. 

He walks the small distances to his bedroom, Jeongguk presses close to him in this position, nosing at his neck and nuzzling into the juncture there, sighing happily when Taehyung lifts his chin to allow him the room. Jeongguk’s soon nibbling delightfully at his neck, biting, sucking before lapping the forming marks with his tongue. Now, that has Taehyung growling, his hands moving up to hold the younger’s ass and squeezing.

The noise Jeongguk makes sends a spike of arousal like no other through Taehyung's whole body, the heat burning until it settles deep in the pit of his stomach. Once they make it to the bedroom, Taehyung’s quick to sit on the side of his bed, Jeongguk resting in his lap as their lips seek each other’s. 

Taehyung watches him shamelessly as Jeongguk moans and rhythmically rocks his hips forward then relaxes back down again into Taehyung's lap, eyelids fluttering and those dark eyelashes brushing over his pink cheeks.

“Please.” The younger’s repeats, the sound almost sounds pained. Taehyung can feel the drag of Jeongguk’s cock on his thigh, the shudders that run through Taehyung’s body, he can feel his arousal.

Taehyung curses and moves to tug roughly at the hem of Jeongguk’s shirt, untucking if from his jeans and that seems to be all the permission he needs. Jeongguk raises his arms, letting Taehyung lift the garnet with ease before discarding it somewhere in the room. 

He’s grabbing Jeongguk's hips, hard, a quiet moan breaks against his neck as he begins to guild the younger’s rocking motion. He’s so painfully hard, his head dizzy in his lustful daze. But Taehyung doesn’t want to rush this, wants to spend his time mapping out the younger’s body, taking in every shift and movement. At the same time, Taehyung also wants to make the younger squirm, rile him up until he can’t take it anymore. 

“‘S good.” Jeongguk moans out, burying himself further in the crock of his neck. He opens his eyes then, spots the now exposed chest in front of him, before he can acknowledge what he’s doing, Taehyung leans down, pressing his lips on the younger’s nipple and sucks. Jeongguk’s hips falter, winning so fucking needily and beautifully, there’s something so addictive about his sounds, about how good he makes the younger feel. 

“You’re so good for me, angel,” Taehyung rasps out, pressing Jeongguk down on his cock by gripping his ass. Taehyung's own strains in the confines of his jeans, teetering on the edge of painful. It’s with that thought Taehyung moves, pushing Jeongguk unceremoniously to lay taut in his sheets, the elder hovering over him. 

Jeongguk's lips seek his and gives a soft lick over his pout, it’s such a simple gesture yet it has Taehyung groaning lowly before responding in kind. There’s soft hands trailing the skin under Taehyung's shirt, hesitant hands, it’s a barely there touch. Taehyung takes it upon himself to disregard his top in kind with Jeongguk’s earlier, then leaning back down. 

“You can touch me, you know.” Taehyung grins into the kiss, guiding Jeongguk’s floating hands to lay flat on his chest, his own holding himself up. Taehyung sucks eagerly at Jeongguk’s bottom lip, earning a delightfully loud sound. 

Taehyung can feel how nervous the other is, which is understandable considering he knows Jeongguk has never experienced this before, only once in the back of Taehyung's car. He can tell by the way Jeongguk still hesitates to fully touch him. His touch lingering on his pecks, not straying far from that area and definitely avoiding his sides, the area in which his scar sits. 

“Promise I won’t break.” Jeongguk swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing with the motions before he nods, finally allowing himself to explore Taehyung's body freely. “We don’t have to continue if you don’t want to, we can stop-“

“No,” Jeongguk is quick to protest but his voice remains calm, perhaps a little coy. “No, I-I want you. Tae- please, I want you.” 

“Fuck,” That has Taehyung growling deeply in the back on his throat, the noise so low he can feel it shake throughout his body. He can feel Jeongguk tracing over the shapes of his tattoo, a foreign sensation prickling his skin and causing pleasure to envelop him. The younger trails a feverous journey down, lingering on his abdomen before following the path back up and lacing his fingers through Taehyung's dark locks. Jeongguk tugs, pulling him down for another mind blowing kiss and Taehyung thinks he’s finally giving in, he hums in satisfaction. 

“I want to fuck you so bad.” Taehyung says between kisses, loving the breathily moans it earns him. “Fuck angel, you have no idea how much I want you.” Each touch Jeongguk rewards him with makes his dick grow harder and his brain scrambles into nothing more but a mantra of want from Jeongguk. 

Said boy watches him with excitement, noting each muscle that flexes as Taehyung shifts his jeans off until he’s left in nothing but his briefs. Taehyung smirks into their kiss knowing how he affects Jeongguk so. Eventually, Taehyung goes for the zipper of Jeongguk’s jeans, tugging them down along with his boxers before disregarding them along with the other pile of clothing scattered across the room. 

Another moan works its way up Jeongguk’s throat when Taehyung cups his hand over his dick and gives it a light squeeze. His cock lays heavy and hot in his hand, pulsing with each slow drag. “Ah-Taehyung, that feels-oh!” There's that insistent knot in his stomach, pushing further down, feeling hotter from Jeongguk’s moans.

Slender fingers clad in thin rings run up the skin of Jeongguk’s thighs, taking in the younger laying bare all for him to see. Until Taehyung’s going back down to frame his cock, sneaking beneath the curve of the shaft and touching everywhere except where the younger wants them the most. His body is warm in contrast to Taehyung's rings, and he shivers each time the gold bands graze against him. “P-please, Taehyung, I wuh-want-“ 

“What do you want, baby?” His hands continue to circle his thigh, trailing a path up until they’re curling his lower stomach, tickling the flesh as he does so. Taehyung grins devilishly at the state Jeongguk’s in, his body squirming with sensitivity. 

“Touch me.” Jeongguk breaths out. Taehyung hums with a small smirk, coming to trace tiny circles on the head of Jeongguk’s dick with his index finger. He moans then, long and loud, doing absolute wonders for Taehyung. 

“I can’t get enough of you.” Jeongguk chocks on a moan, his thighs twitching with Taehyung's slow pace on his dick. “You look so fucking hot like this, all pliant and bare for me, so willing for me to fuck.” 

“Oh, fuck.” Taehyung smirks at the visible blush adoring his cheeks, loving the moan it receives him. He raises his hand to swipe at his left eye, following the shape underneath and riding a forming tear. “There’s so many things I could do to you, _want_ to do to you… only you.” He feels a partially harsh breath on the palm of his hand, a shaky exhale. 

Taehyung retracks both his hands then, a whine leaving Jeongguk’s lips in protest as he does so. He doesn’t allow the younger to wait long, his body already shifting to his drawer with the things they’ll need, pulling out lube and a condom before resorting back to his previous position. Only this time, one hand lands on Jeongguk’s hip while the other goes for his thigh. This newfound position is all Taehyung needs to flip the younger over, his stomach flat against the mattress. Jeongguk gasps at the sudden position, but he doesn’t protest. 

“Ass up, baby.” Jeongguk’s quick to do so, his elbows holding his weight while his pushing his ass out and up. 

“Have you ever done this?” Taehyung asks while uncapping the lube lip, squeezing a generous amount out onto his fingers. Jeongguk shakes his head into his sheets, his sweat covered hair moving with the motion. “Words, baby.” 

“N-no, you’re the first guy I- you know, remember?” Taehyung hums, a smirk playing on his lips as his other hand runs over the flesh of Jeongguk’s back. 

“I do, but you could’ve still fingered yourself, darling.” Jeongguk looks back at him, obviously taken back by Taehyung's comment. He must be slightly embarrassed once realising what he meant, his cheeks dusted pink and mouth open. Fuck, Taehyung finds it all too endearing, how someone can look so hot but pure at the same time. A sick part of Taehyung, the part that just wants to corrupt the younger, screams. 

“O-oh, no I haven’t.” Taehyung smirks at the obvious embarrassment, but doesn’t say anything further. Instead he begins to circle his rim, a small touch but it still works to make Jeongguk shudder. 

“Okay?” Taehyung checks, not wanting to push the younger into anything he’s uncomfortable with. Because this isn’t about him, not this time, right now it’s about Jeongguk and his pleasure, making the younger feel good. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” That’s all the permission Taehyung needed before he’s slipping his digit past the ring of muscle, easing his finger through until it reaches his knuckle. He allows Jeongguk a second to adjust, his breathily moans coming out shaking. After a minute, he moves. They’re short movements, slowly pulling his finger in and out to test the waters. Once he receives an all too knowing moan, one that they can both discern as a pleasurable sound, Taehyung begins to pump his finger faster, further. 

“Hm- feels weird.” Jeongguk moans, Taehyung's about to stop, not wanting to hurt the younger. “But ‘s good, Taehyung, y-you make me feel so good.” Heat pools at the pit of his stomach, breaking his rhythm and turning it into something more frantic, desperate. Jeongguk moans in sync with his movements. 

After adding a second finger, his digits scissoring and exploring his insides, Taehyung receives a particulate moan, one that comes out so suddenly. 

“T-there!” Jeongguk squirms, pushing away from the sudden pleasure from Taehyung trickling over his bundle of nerves. He complies easily, thrusting his fingers in and out with little restraint. 

“Look at you, taking my fingers so well. Imagine what you’d look like taking my cock.” Taehyung whispers, leaning down so his voice travels directly against the younger’s ear before leaving a delicate kiss there. 

He so desperately wants to see Jeongguk’s expression that he retracts his fingers, Jeongguk moaning at the loss before he grabs the younger’s ankle in each hand. He flips him then, his back falling on the mattress unceremoniously before tugging him closer, the younger eliciting a quick “ah!” at the movement. Three fingers find Jeongguk’s hole, guiding them carefully in the tight space before circling them. 

Soon he’s fucking Jeongguk until the younger is crying out and grabbing onto his forearms to stabilize himself. He pushes his fingers in as far as they can reach and grazes over Jeongguk’s prostate again, milking it and grinning while Jeongguk’s body starts to shake in oversensitivity. “Fuck, Guk,” the younger’s squirming frantically, chanting how good he feels in a mantra. “No one will make you feel as good as I do, no one can take you apart the same way as I can. They won’t know how to touch you, kiss you, won’t ever want you the way I want you.” It’s filthy, messy and all the things Taehyung finds himself loving when it comes to them two. 

“They won’t l-“ 

_Love_? 

“They won’t know how to please you, only me.” That pries a high pitched sound from Jeongguk, so lost in the pleasure Taehyung gives him. 

“Stop! ‘M gonna cum.” Taehyung doesn’t stop, he can’t stop with the way Jeongguk moans so beautifully for him. He doesn’t want to stop until the very last minute, only pulling his fingers away when Jeongguk’s on the borderline of coming. “P-please.”

 _Now_. He thinks, pulling his fingers out to stop his assault. The younger whines so needily, being on the edge of cumming before Taehyung took it away. He looks at Jeongguk’s gaping hole, clenching and unclenching from the loss. “Fuck, you have the prettiest hole I’ve ever-“ 

“Omg, stop!” Jeongguk covers his pink face with both palms, hiding his obvious embarrassment, it has Taehyung grinning in delight. “Just- just, fuck me.” 

Seeing Jeongguk on the bed, hair disheveled and legs parted slightly… it’s all too much but not enough at the same time. Taehyung doesn’t give it a second thought as he hooks his fingers in his brief, pulling them down and sighing when his erection is freed from the confines of his underwear. It stands hot and heavy, pre-cum leaking from the tip just from how worked up Jeongguk is. “Do you see how hard you make me, baby? How much you affect me?”

Taehyung was never one for dirty talk, he was more the type to do the deed and it be over with. With his past lovers, it just didn’t sit right with him to praise them. Even though he feigned affection when he needed to, evidently meaning he’d have to talk during sex on the odd occasion. But more often than not, Taehyung would hold all dirty talk and praises, not using them unless he had to in a means to keep them around for longer. With Jeongguk, they flow naturally, everything falling from his mouth comes so easily, he means every word he voices. 

Jeongguk leans forward then, nimble fingers wrapping delicately over his shaft with a few strokes. Taehyung allows his head to lull backwards, basking in the feeling of fingers on his heat, groaning at a particular tug. Then there’s a wet heat, curious in the way he licks over the tip, gathering the pre-cum in his mouth. Taehyung has to bite back a moan, not wanting to reveal how affected he is already. 

Taehyung watches with attentive anticipation, Jeongguk gazing up at him with something akin to hunger before wrapping his lips over the tip and sucking. His head feels lighter now, his body slightly more sluggish. It tempts him into a delirious state, pliant and quiet breaths spilling out. Taehyung cards his fingers through Jeongguk’s hair, not tugging but guiding his bobbing motions. It’s a slow pace but delightful all the same. “You’re so good, Guk. Suck me so well.” Jeongguk moans around him, the sound vibrating on his dick and _fuck_ , Taehyung could cum from the feeling. 

Which is why he pries Jeongguk off, tugging his hair until there’s a pop from the younger’s mouth. Soon he’s pushing Jeongguk down by the shoulders, guiding him to lay on his back once again. 

He tears the packet of the condom, spitting the plastic away before rolling the condom on his leaking dick. Jeongguk watches with intensive eyes, training on each move of his muscles. “You like what you see, hm angel?” Taehyung gazes at him darkly in a haze of lust, stroking his cock slowly for the pure fact he knows Jeongguk is watching his every move with anticipation.

“Tae, you’re so hot.” The younger says whilst slowly laying back in the sheets, his eyes never wavering from Taehyung. “I want you.” It’s said in a whisper, an invitation for Taehyung as he’s guided by a soft hand on his. He gladly complies, allowing the younger to guide him further up the mattress until he’s sitting in between Jeongguk’s spread legs. 

Taehyung licks over his lips when he sees the pink hole in front of him, tiny and tight and just begging to be stretched wide for him. “Are you going to fuck me or keep staring.” Taehyung honestly considers it for a moment.

“Tae!”

“So, egar.” Taehyung chuckles and begins kissing down Jeongguk’s chest, lapping his tongue at one of his niples and tugs it between his teeth. “I promise I’ll make you feel good.” He promises when the tip reaches the younger’s hole, slowly pushing past the ring of muscle. 

“I know you will.” The words are weighted with a sense of trust Taehyung wasn’t expecting, and he stares down with wide eyes before he fully comprehends them. It brings him back to the time Jeongguk confessed to trusting him then, back when Taehyung didn’t understand the burning feeling that was affection. He smiles, knowing that Jeongguk practically holds so much of Taehyung in his hands. 

He bottoms out, his hip bone flush against Jeongguk’s thigh. The urge to fuck hard and fast is coursing his veins, but Taehyung stills his body, engulfed by heat but doesn’t allow himself to move. Jeongguk’s breathing out little gaps, his body adjusting to the new and foreign feeling. With a gentle hand, Taehyung caresses the younger’s hip bone, tracing his thumb back and forth in a reassuring action. 

“‘S okay, you can move.” Jeongguk whispers between his lips, looking up at him in so much endearment, Taehyung’s sure his expression doesn’t look too dissimilar. He can vaguely hear Jeongguk suck in a breath as he thrusts shallowly into him. Beads of sweat glistening his forehead, his neck, rolling down as he holds himself up, Jeongguk leaning in to place a delicate kiss to the corner of his lips. 

And then he feels the younger clench around him, his hips moving automatically from the pleasure, rocking into Jeongguk harsher than planned. 

“Shit, baby I’m-“ 

‘N-oh” Jeongguk moans, shifting his hips so he’s thrusting on Taehyung's dick. “‘S good. Feels good.” 

Taehyung continues to thrust his hips, with each drag comes another but slightly harder, faster thrust. Jeongguk adjusts to it well, breathily sounds falling from his lips in obvious pleasure. The hand holding Jeongguk’s side comes up, mapping out his face, his thumb strolling over his bottom lip in a delicate manner. Then comes a kiss to the younger’s forehead, his nose, his cheek, eventually landing on his mouth in a lengthy kiss. 

Taehyung’s now bucking his hips and slapping into the younger with a low growl of pleasure, not satisfied until he can hear Jeongguk sighing pleasantly and moaning beneath him. Jeongguk arches his back from the bed, causing their chests to meet, skin rubbing against skin and sweat. The younger writhes over the sheets, at a certain harsh thrust. 

“Fuck! Right there.” Jeongguk moans and whimpers, the sound falling from between his lips. Taehyung makes sure to angle his hips so he’s thrusting directly at his prostate. Jeongguk hands take purchase on his arm, clenching tightly as his blunt nails dig into his flesh deliciously. There’s an urge to get closer, one that Taehyung will no longer ignore, so he links their hands, pressing them on either side of Jeongguk’s head. This new found position provides him to thrust deeper, Jeongguk moans working as fuel as he not once pauses or seizures his assault on the younger’s prostate. 

The room is filled with grunts, moans, whines, skin slapping sounds bouncing off the walls, all from the erotic ambiance they performe with their bodies. Taehyung leans down, attaching his lips to the younger’s exposed skin in the dip between his shoulder and neck, and sucking, licking, biting. He peels his lips from Jeongguk’s skin, watching those delicate features flush and contort into something aggravatingly beautiful.

The moan Jeongguk chokes out sounds more like a sob when Taehyung presses against his prostate again, pleasure flowing through him like a tsunami. He bites hard into his bottom lip to muffle it, he wouldn’t be surprised if he pierced the skin. Taehyung can tell the younger’s close by the way Jeongguk’s breathing has become more frantic, moaning in time with Taehyung's violent thrusts. 

“Tae, fuh-fuck,” Jeongguk curses breathlessly. “I’m gonna- ah-“

“Are you gonna cum, baby? Is my cock making you feel that good?” He kisses his forehead once, twice. Taehyung leans his body up, putting all his weight on his knees whilst disconnecting their hands and placing them on the younger’s hips. He begins to slow his hips when he doesn’t get a reply, though it serves to be rather painful, his body screaming for release. But he continues circling his hips, all thrusting motions come to a halt. 

“Y-yes, ‘s good Tae. You make me feel so good. P-please duh-don’t stop.” Taehyung listens to his request with a satisfied grin and begins to thrust brutally into Jeongguk, said boy choking on a moan as he does so. 

“Then cum for me,” Taehyung whispers as he grabs hold of Jeongguk’s cock, his long fingers covering the shaft as he begins to stroke him with jerky movements. “Show me how good I make you feel,” Taehyung can feel his own release teetering on the edge, the pressure building up and squeezing in his balls tightly. Fuck, Taehyung knows he isn’t going to last much longer either, not when Jeongguk is so perfect beneath him, looking like he belongs there. Jeongguk knocks his forehead forward, biting hard into his own bottom lip but he fails in keeping back his hitched breathing, the sharp moans leaving his lips as Taehyung’s pulling him over the edge. “Cum for me, baby.” 

It’s a few more strokes later before Jeongguk is clenching hard around him, crying out Taehyung’s name as he shoots his load, it splattering on his own chest and Taehyung's hand. Fucking hell, Jeongguk looks so heavenly coming undone by him. Taehyung follows suit not long after, riding out Jeongguk’s orgasm before he cums, and hard. His hips stutter as a strangled moan ripples through his throat, there’s a flash of white that obstructs his vision as he spills into the condom, Jeongguk arching his back with quiet whimpers. He rides himself through his high before collapsing on top of Jeongguk, not caring if he’s smearing cum. 

They don’t move for a good while, staying in that position and panting heavily as they come down from their high. 

“You’re laying in my cum, you know.” Taehyung chuckles lightly, pulling out before rolling off the younger and collapsing onto the mattress. Jeongguk stays on his back, legs stretching out after being stuck in a bent position for so long. He lays in a state of bliss, head tilted back, hair mussed and skin glowing and fuck, does he look gorgeous.

When their heavy breathing subsides, Taehyung stands up, carefully peeling the condom off before discarding it in the bin. He exits the room and heads towards his bathroom, coming back with a wet flannel. 

He’s silent when he cleans Jeongguk up, gently wiping the stickiness from his chest and thighs before sliding down in between his cheeks, yet he can’t wipe this stupid grin off his face. 

“Why are you smiling like that?” Jeongguk asks but not unkindly, he’s sporting the same smile when he speaks. 

“‘M just happy.” Jeongguk merely hums in response, though his smile never falters and instead it broaders despite him biting his lip to hide it. Taehyung eventually throws the now fifty flannel away before flopping down in his previous position beside the younger, who snuggles up to him and lays his head on Taehyung’s naked chest. 

There’s something about smoking after a good fuck that’s so appeasing to Taehyung. The arm that wasn’t securely wrapped around Jeongguk’s shoulders is reaching out to the side table, taking the lighter and cigarettes from a pack. He places it between his lips and lights the end with ease, taking a long drag and exhaling in silence. 

Taehyung is now stuck with the crushing reality of how deep in shit he is because what they shared was not a meaningless fuck and they both know it. Taehyung actually really fucking likes Jeongguk and he’s scared, but it’s now mostly for the younger’s sake because he doesn’t know what to do. The sick reality is, Taehyung has never felt loved before, he’s unsure how to give something he’s never received. He’s mostly scared of hurting the younger, because he knows if Jeongguk sticks around with him then it’s inevitable that he’ll end up hurt one way or the other. He doesn’t know how to handle emotions that don’t center around the suffering of others and he doesn’t know how to love anyone.

Yet, he wants to tell Jeongguk of his feelings and how they started, of how stupidly easy it has been for him to fall so hard for him. That despite everything Taehyung would easily do anything for the younger, he’d drown if he was asked, would open his mouth and breath in deeply so he could drown in the feeling. 

“I don’t deserve you.” Taehyung says after his last few drags, his voice so quiet and small, practically breathing the words. Jeongguk must’ve heard either way since he snaps his head up at him, a frown narrowing his features. 

“Tae, what-“

“You’re too good for me, I have monsters, scary ones, Guk. Ones that’ll end up hurting you and that’s something I just don’t want to do because I-“ 

Not love, Taehyung can’t love the younger when he doesn’t even like himself for that matter. “I like you a lot, a scary amount. Jeongguk you should be scared.” Taehyungs practically rambling at this point, his breathing heavy once again. It worsens when he observes Jeongguk’s features and finds him looking speechless, but then it morphs into such softness that tugs at Taehyung's heart. 

“I think… I think we all have monsters, some just know how to hide them whereas others don’t.” Jeongguk curls around him almost protectively, his hand now curved around Taehyung's nape, the tips of his fingers drawing mindless patterns on his skin.

“I think you bring the best out of my monster.” Taehyung says after a beat, earning a soft smile and hum from Jeongguk. 

“But, Tae,” Taehyung hums in acknowledgement, wrapping both arms around the younger in a tight grip. “Please don’t decide what you think is best for me, only I can decide that.” Jeongguk whispers and Taehyung can see his eyes heavy with sleep, so he brings one of his hands up to settle on the younger’s face, stroking delicate curls with his thumb over his eyelid. “If I decide that I want to be with you, then that is my decision. But if you don’t feel the same… please tell me now, before I fall any deeper.” Jeongguk mumbles. 

Fuck, those words cut so deepily that it takes a while for him to comprehend, his thumb stilling at the corner of the younger’s eyes as he just stares at his closed ones. They affect him so because this is his chance, Jeongguk is giving Taehyung the out that he needs, a reason to pull back from the younger before he hurts him. Despite what Jeongguk says, he knows he isn’t good enough for the younger, but he wants to be, Taehyung so desperately wants to be good for Jeongguk. 

When Jeongguk’s eyes flutter open and he blinks, his gaze slowly focuses on Taehyung after closing them for so long. And when he does- God, when Jeongguk looks at him… when he really looks, there’s this warmth and intensity trapped in doe eyes, wide and full of light. Taehyung wonders how it’s possible for one person to hold so much power in just something as simple as a gaze. It’s with this thought, with his selfish desires that compels him to speak his next words. 

“Jeongguk, I want to be good for you. I-I’m scared, my feelings for you are something I never deemed myself capable of and I just don’t want to hurt you.” Taehyung's feelings are there, raw and out in the open for Jeongguk to see, to use. Because that’s what this is about isn’t it? He’s scared to love someone like he did his father before he betrayed that love, used it to hurt him in ways that no one should ever experience as a child. Like he loved his mother, such a kind, loving human before she left them to suffer on their own. Like he loved his brother, how he used to protect him from his father's beatings or would always give him the extra potato or vegetable at dinner, before he turned, put the blame on him for their mother’s death until he believed him. He believed that their mother's death was his fault because it was, their broken family are on his dirty hands. 

“But if you stay with me, you'll end up hurt again… maybe not intentionally but it’ll happen regardless. I want to change, want to be someone you deserve but I don’t know how.” 

“You’re not going to hurt me, not in the way you think you are. I care for you too much to let you go,” Jeongguk chuckles lightly. “I guess I’m selfish like that.” 

Taehyung wants to refuse, wants to explain that Jeongguk isn’t the selfish one, _he’s_ the one who earned that title a long time ago, not Jeongguk. But the words die out on his tongue, deciding to leave it for now and smile as genuine as he can muster. “I need you in my life, Guk. I’m asking you to stay, despite everything, even though I’m unworthy of your trust, I’m still asking you to stay. I’m asking for you to allow me to want you, to have you.” There’s a pause, one where they’ve both staring at each other in a silent whisper before Jeongguk leans in, placing a delicate kiss on his lips. It’s a small kiss, a barely there touch between lips before he’s moving back again. 

“You have me.” 

***  
  


“Teahyung.” Jeongguk whispers in the dead of night, the pair easing into a blissful sleep after so long. Taehyung can’t bring himself to voice a response so he settles for a hum, his eyes still closed yet he can’t sleep, not with everything that’s happened and has been shared tonight. “I really like you, know that… I think I’m falling.” 

Taehyung never responds, staying deadly silent as he watches Jeongguk’s chest rise and fall rhythmically, his breathing coming out in small puffs from his mouth in a sign of sleep. It’s after Taehyung knows the younger is knocked out for the night that he allows himself to voice what he truly feels for the younger, something he’s somehow known for a while but has been too afraid to admit. Jeongguk is definitely fast asleep beside him, his face buried against Taehyung’s chest while his right arm holds him close. He seems utterly at peace, his face wonderfully serene, Taehyung might simply combust from the amount of affection blossoming in his chest. 

“I think I’ve already fallen.”

***

_She was pretty._

_Taehyung remembers how pretty she was._

_Her hair was tied up in a bun, loose and dry strands sticking out at the sides. There’s a fresh bruise clear on her check, purple and green clear even under her heavy makeup, obviously painted on with unsteady hands. Her clothes were, very obviously, second-hand or extremely old, yet it flattered her either way. Despite everything, she was very pretty, in that natural looking way._

_That’s how Taehyung remembers her. Because that’s what his mother was, beautiful._

_“What’s that?” 9 year old Taehyung asks, curious about the rose gold pendant that abodes her neck, glinting when it catches the light. It looks as if the necklace was made to fit her neck perfectly, dainty in the way it looks as if it could break purely by touching it. Taehyung’s too young to recognise the pattern. This is the first time Taehyung’s seeing the pendent._

_He’s not surprised by the silence, with it being so late in the night, definitely past Taehyung’s bedtime, but he’s always been a light sleeper and is easily woken by noises. His brother was fast asleep when Taehyung woke, quiet noises escaping his lips that sound fairly similar to snoring. Their father, as usual, is out for the night, probably won’t be home until a few hours. His presence would be known determined on whether he has a successful night or not, often coming back empty handed. On the odd occasion their father would return with a small sum of cash, a grim smile playing on his lips._

_But it wouldn’t make a difference, he’d only lose it all the following day. They learnt at a tender age of his father's money and how it belonged to no one but himself, yet the money their mother earns belonged to him as well? Taehyung was too young and naive to fully understand. A small percentage of the money his mother did earn would be put aside for both himself and Juwon’s tuition, he had to pinky promise to never tell his father._

_His mother looks down at her neck from in the kitchen, cleaning up the mess on the floor. She’s been crying again, the fresh tears evident in the way her face shines, and it’s definitely not from makeup. Her eyes are obviously bloodshot, Taehyung doesn’t know if it’s from her heavy crying or lack of sleep. He guesses it’s both._

_“What’s wrong?” His little heart breaks at the broken smile she provides him with, genuine yet sad._

_“I’m okay, darling.” She stands from her squatting position, emptying the contents of food in her hands. Taehyung can recognise where the mess orientated from, spilled rubbish and left over food from the bin. That was last night's meal, a small portion of food shared between his brother and himself, their mother claimed to not be hungry that night._

_“But, you’re crying?” The confusion is clear in his voice, not understanding why his mother smiles even though she’s obviously sad._

_She moves towards him, pulling a chair for him to sit, Taehyung’s legs swing back and forth while she takes purchase on the seat beside him. Her blossoming bruise is much more evident from this new proximity, darkening closer towards her jaw. Taehyung wonders if she had another fight with their father, it’s been constant recently; the yelling, the bickering, being woken up to his father coming home late and shouting names at his mother. Their old man never used to be like this, so his mother says, Taehyung would’ve been too young to remember a time when his father was peaceful and kind. The idea seems ridiculous to him, something from an entirely different universe to the one they live._

_His mother had explained how it’s normal for parents to bicker, that it’s a part of life and he loves her really as she loves him. But Taehyung was too young to understand that the man she fell in love with no longer existed, that she was only holding onto her broken marriage in hope he’d return to them._

_Their father was a powerful man, someone who had everything until he lost it, lost it out of greed._

_She waves her hand in Taehyung's direction, an action he learnt meant she wasn’t going to answer. “You asked about my pendant,”_

_“Pendant?” She smiles sweetly, a small smile that's barely there but genuine all the same._

_“It’s a necklace, a priceless thing that my mother- your grandmother owned. She gave it to me as a gift before she left.”_

_“Left? Where did she go?” Taehyung asks with a tilt of his head, confused as to what she means._

_“Yes darling, she left. She went to heaven.” She begins to card her fingers through Taehyung’s curls, something that Taehyung has always enjoyed, has always found soothing._

_“What’s heaven?” He then questions when comprehending her words, the sensation distracting him for a moment. His mother's hand stills for barley a second before picking up the action again._

_“Heaven is somewhere peaceful, happy. It’s where people go after they grow old… it’s nothing to fear.” She adds at the end upon noticing Taehyung’s frightened face, but it morphs into a little smile at her reassurance. Small hands reach out for the pendant, tracing the shape of the flower in admiration._

_“Pretty.” He says in a trance, thinking the necklace suits her perfectly. “What flower is this?” He looks at his mother in question but her gaze is already on him, Taehyung didn’t know this then, but she was looking at him in endearment, her eyes glazing over once again. He frowns as to why his mother is crying once again, but she smiles so brightly that Taehyung doesn’t question her, not wanting that smile to fade from her beautiful face._

_“Don’t you recognise it?” Taehyung shakes his head. “It’s a cherry blossom,” looking at it again Taehyung wonders how he missed it, it’s so obvious. He can now recognise the pattern as cherry blooms, tiny flowers placed perfectly to distinguish the shape of the cherry blossom._

_When himself and Juwon were younger, their mother would often take them to a field in spring, just to witness the cherry blossoms blooming. More often than not, they’d visit the field with their neighbours, a friend of their mothers and her son, Yoongi._

_Said boy wasn’t too far from his age, only being a few years older. Taehyung saw him as a second brother, someone he’d go to if he ever wanted to play cars. Yoongi had many cars in a variety of colours and shapes, the elder had described them as racing cars, Taehyung instantly fell in love with them._

_They stopped seeing the Min family after a while. Their father, not too dissimilar to Taehyung's own, wasn’t a nice man, eventually he walked out on them. So, the constant visits to the field stopped._

_“It’s pretty, mama.” She smiles down at him, her hand over the one resting on the necklace. They sit in comfortable silence for a little while before Taehyung's eyes begin to feel heavy, his lids falling shut every so often. It was then his mother deemed it time for him to sleep, cradling him close in her arms as she walked the small distance towards the bedroom._

_When his mother had died only a few years later, Taehyung had wondered if she went to the place she had described to him then, heaven. He hopes she is as peaceful and happy as she explained, wanting that smile to permanently take purchase on her face forever._

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omggggggg!  
> What did you guys think? I swear I’m getting feels at my own story.  
> This one was probably the longest chapter yet but I hope it was worth reading. Personally, I like to read where characters get caught up in the heat of the moment rather than planning anything, I find it ruins the passion for me otherwise. 
> 
> I’m praying I conveyed how Taehyung is feeling enough through this chapter. His character is rather confused, conflicted between wanting Jeongguk and protecting him from himself. Throughout the next few chapters you’ll see Taehyung will remain confused about what he wants. He knows how he feels yet won’t completely admit it to Jeongguk, only silently to himself in the dead of night.
> 
> We all know some angst is coming, mainly that’ll involve Taehyung’s confusion but I won’t spoil too much.  
> Anyway, what did you guys think? As always, I love hearing everyone’s feedback good or bad. I genuinely smile when I read everyone’s comments so thank you for that.  
> Follow me on Twitter for updates or general questions.  
> Lotta love x  
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)


	9. IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who the fuck is Daeun?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh, so this mayyyy have taken me like two months to post, possibly a little over.  
> I’m back now though, and I promise I’ll be posting much more regularly. 
> 
> Seriously, for the people that have stuck with this series, congratulations. Like, thank you! That’s straight up loyalty. 
> 
> Anyway, here’s another chapter and I hope you all enjoy, I’ll discuss more in the end notes. Thanks again for the comments and kudos in the last chapter, I appreciate all the support so much.

_ “Taehyung!”  _

_ Taehyung couldn’t move, he was curled up on his side, arms wrapped tightly around his stomach while he remained motionless on the cold kitchen floor. It hurt, it hurt so fucking much but all he could do was sob, crying until the floor was flooded with his tears. He couldn’t breathe, his lungs screaming at him and choking on the small puddle of blood that’s stuck in his throat.  _

_ His father was home late again, though this time it was much later than usual, an almost empty bottle of whisky still in hand. He’s drunk, so obviously so.  _

_ Taehyung was used to this routine, having been used as his father's punching bag for almost 4 years now, Taehyung currently at the age of 15, he’s learnt how to deal with it. It hurts like a bitch, but it’ll stop, his father will grow tired and stop, he always does.  _

_ He can hear his mother crying, attempting to pry his father off him. Taehyung tries a reassuring smile, one he hopes she will understand, explaining how he’s okay and it’ll be over soon.  _

_ “Fuck!” _

_ His mother whimpers at a partial hit to the stomach and his father's cuss. “Thu-those fuckin’ cunts, takin’ ‘m money.” His father's slurs, stumbling around Taehyung before he lands another hard punch to his back, Taehyung chokes on a sob whilst arching his back at the instant pain he feels.  _

_ “Please, stop!” His mother is definitely sobbing now, her cries coming out more sudden and violent. Her attempts at pulling Taehyung’s father off him never falter, digging her blunt nails harshly into his skin. He tries so desperately to tell his mother he’s okay, but the words get stuck in his throat, a sob falling in replace.  _

_ “Get the fuck off me, bitch.‘S Fuckin’ pathetic.” His father says after a hiss, his mother must’ve dug her nails too deeply to pierce the skin.  _

_ “Mum!” Juwon shouts, having only just woken from his sleep, their cries too loud to ignore. _

_ Their father looks outraged, furious at the crescent indents on his arm, a small trickle of blood flowing from the gash. Taehyung would laugh if he could, he finds it amusing how their father makes such a fuss over a small cut, if you can even call it that, while Taehyung feels like he’s laying on his deathbed. His amusement soon fades as soon as there’s hands in his hair. They’re not his mother's soothing hands, these are his father's hands, gripping his hair so tightly that Taehyung feels his father could rip his hair out at any given moment.  _

_ Taehyung can see his brother running to his mother's side, nothing but fear evident on his face as their father tugs Taehyung up. He grits his teeth, stopping a whine from escaping in a means to not worry the others.  _

_ “Look at him,” his father hisses, yanking him up further by his hair. Taehyung’s face to face with his father now, a face he doesn’t realise that’ll haunt his dream, his mind, every thought for the rest of his life. “‘S puh-pathetic, ‘s weak.” He lands a rather hard punch to his stomach, knocking the wind right out of him. It hurt. It hurts so fucking much that Taehyung’s almost wishing for death, wanting the pain to stop. “Wuh-wont even defend himself, a waste of my cum.”  _

_ His father balls the hand that isn’t holding his son into a fist, raising it above his head. Taehyung prepares himself for the impact, closing his eyes tightly, ready to be punched square in the face. But the assault never comes, he feels a weight pushing his father, said man dropping his death grip on his hair.  _

_ He opens his eyes, wincing at the harsh light that obstructs his vision, his eyes straining from squeezing them too firmly. Taehyung watches the scene unfold in front of him, the pain preventing him from moving far, instead he manages to tilt his head slightly to the side only to find his brother standing where his father once stood.  _

_ Juwon is panting heavily, shock evident in the way his eyes are blown and pure horror seeps through. His father was knocked off kilter, his body resting on the kitchen side, the cause most likely being from his brother knocking him away which explains why the assault never came.  _

_ “The fuck- you lil cunt-“ Their father leaps from the counter, their mother screaming for him to stop as he grabs Juwon roughly by the throat. It all happens so fast, Taehyung can barely keep his eyes open with the pain consuming him, threatening his consciousness. There’s a choke from his brother, a scream, and then their mother is punching him vigorously, hit after hit as she sobs and pleads for him to let go.  _

_ In the end their father does, Juwon wheezing as he allows oxygen back into his lungs. Their father moves then, turning his gaze to the woman who continues to sob and punch him, almost as if she’s in a daze, continuing to plead for him to let Juwon and Taehyung go.  _

_ “‘S bitch- get the fuck off me.” Their father lands a harsh smack to the side of her face, the sound echoing in their small home. Taehyung feels so helpless, lying motionless on the cold kitchen floor, a strange contrast to his warm body. The tears flow on their own, the puddle growing larger in size as Taehyung chants the only words in his head he can conjure.  _

_ Please. _

_ It will stop soon. _

_ He always stops.  _

_ Please. _

_ “No!” _

_ Their father pushes her away, grunting as he forcefully shoves her petite body to the side. Juwon moves on instinct, his hands reaching out to catch her body as she stumbles backward, losing her balance from the vigourful action. But he misses, Taehyung's heart drops as he watches Juwon miss and latch onto the closest thing he can reach, his mother's necklace.  _

_ Taehyung grew fascinated with it as a child, he had encouraged her to wear it more often since it flattered her perfectly. He was never able to meet his grandma, she died before he was even born. So he fell in love with the piece of jewellery, knowing it came from a relative he's never met but loves all the same. Taehyung knows how much she loves it, cherished it because it was passed down a couple of generations. _

_ Looking at the separated pieces of metal now breaks Taehyung's heart, half of it lies discarded on the floor, flowers breaking off as if it was made of glass. The other half remains in Juwon’s grip, said boy looks at it in horror before his expression morphs into despair, regarding their mother with so much sorrow, her expression not too dissimilar.  _

_ “Mum-“  _

_ “‘S what yu-you deserve.” His father makes himself known again, pointing an accusing finger at Taehyung's motionless form on the floor. “For being weak.” He spits the last word out, elongating it for emphasis before storming out. Taehyung continues to lay there, clutching his stomach as he bleeds, not against bleeding out right now.  _

_ It’s later in the night when everyone eventually moved, It was with great pain that Taehyung moved for his bed, his bruises attended to. It’s when they are all laying in bed, awake and attentive to their father returning, yet feeling safe in each other’s company. It's when their mother soothes them to calm and smiles sadly to the brothers.  _

_ It’s then that their mother reassures them that the pendant was old and was bound to break eventually.  _

_ It’s then that Taehyung knew what we wanted to do, it was stupid and more than dangerous, but he’d endure any beating if it meant he could see his mothers smile once again. Glowing as she wore the pendent proudly. It would be all worth it for that one look.  _

  
  


_ *** _

  
  


**[1:07 p.m.] Dad:** _We’re coming home._

“- this is where it gets weird, man. She started making these noises right, but I just kept- Dude,” Jeongguk is immediately brought out of his daze, a ball barley grazing past his head. “Are you even listening to me?” His attention snaps to the culprit, glaring playfully at Eunwoo who offers a teasing smile. 

“Shit, what were you saying?” Jeongguk apologises but instantly looks down at his phone after receiving another text. 

**[1:09 p.m.] Mum:** _Will give you a call later, we’ll be home tomorrow._

Jeongguk swallows audibly in the field, missing another ball Eunwoo sends his way in favour of staring blankly down at his phone. If he’s honest, Jeongguk doesn’t know what he feels about his parents announcement that they’re coming home. It’s been so long, too long since he last saw them, the last time being after his grandmother had died, his mother had stayed with him for almost a month before departing ways again. The last time they’ve been together in the same room is even longer, so long that Jeongguk can hardly remember it. His grandmother's funeral is an exception, it was an occasion none of the Jeon family wanted, standing beside one another as they watched their loved one immerse in the ground, buried in the soil. So he doesn’t count that day. 

The last time the whole family was together was when Jeongguk was 17. As someone who has had the luck to travel with his parents a lot during his early teenage years, thanks to his parents being well-off, Jeongguk has had experience many of those; summer vacations, basking in the hot sun, going away with his mother before returning home to his parents busy schedules. More often than not, their vacations turned into a business trip, which was usually the main reason why they had the luxury to go abroad in the first place. But this particular holiday was unique to Jeongguk, one he remembers the most. 

It was the whole family this time - usually their father never joined them and if he did, it was for business. But they were older now, so they had the choice to go or not, which is why Jeongguk was surprised when his parents announced they were going on a business free trip together. What surprised Jeongguk the most was when he heard his brother was joining them, having not seen him for so long. It was awkward at first, Jeongguk didn’t know what to say or how to act around his parents, it was weird considering they used to always mess around and enjoy each other's company. Once they settled in though, it was normal, they laughed, stayed up late just to watch the stars in the humidity of the night, it was like any normal family holiday. Of course, it was cut short, only lasting two nights before their father had left. Yet, it was one Jeongguk will never forget because, for once, they were all together. 

Namjoon never had to join them but he did, he moved out not long ago and seemed to resent their parents yet, he still joined them. Jeongguk is so grateful that he did. 

The texts are curt, vague yet so like his parents. His father was never one for much emotion, never one to show much warmth, instead talking about nothing but business. His mother isn’t too dissimilar herself, but she’s admittedly better at dealing with feelings and emotions than his father. In his youth, Jeongguk would turn to his brother for things like that, he was always good with words and knowing how to comfort Jeongguk. When he had moved out, that left Jeongguk no one to turn to other than his grandmother. Although he can’t complain, she was good at dealing with Jeongguk’s troubles, she had a firm but kind way. 

“Guk, you good?” Eunwoo jogs towards Jeongguk once realising he’s lost focus, looking rather panicked as he glances down at the device. Jeongguk’s quick to shove his phone back in his gym bag, opting to reply to his parents later. 

Eunwoo has been there through his family drama, had visited his grandma before she died in that very same hospital he visited a few days prior. Eunwoo knows about this stuff, so Jeongguk doesn’t know why he acted the way he did. With this in mind, he waves a dismissive hand as if he’s not bothered, as if his family suddenly declaring their return doesn't mean they come with news, admittedly Jeongguk assumes it’s bad news. 

“It’s fine, just my parents texting me they’ll be coming home.” Jeongguk says with his best poker face he can muster, attempting to look nonchalant as he shrugs. Eunwoo raises a curious eyebrow all the same, giving Jeongguk a once over before furrowing said eyebrows. 

“You sure you’re good? You haven’t seen them in like…” Eunwoo makes a gesture with his hand, waving it around in thought before counting with his fingers. His eyes light up, in what Jeongguk assumes, realisation. “Holy shit, It’s been  _ months _ .” Eunwoo says as he drags the last word out in empathise. 

“I know,” Jeongguk’s sigh is audible in the considerably empty field, the pair was surprised to find few people here, especially taking into account how it’s an admittedly nice day, the once cold weather gone and the sun taking its place. His sweat works as a good sedative to his burning skin, his gym clothes doing little to cool his body. It’s exceptionally hot, though Jeongguk doesn’t know what he was expecting for the end of spring weather. “It's good, I’m happy that we’ll finally get to see them after so long.”

That receives Jeongguk a pointed look, one that he knows means Euwnoo isn’t falling for his bullshit despite Jeongguk’s attempt at hiding any emotion towards their return. A part of him is excited, that part wasn’t a lie, just slightly twisted. Truth be told, Jeongguk is nervous to see them again after so long, he’s almost forgotten how to talk to them. Sure, he texts them often but it's not the same as being in the same room, being around his father's judgmental gaze, the obvious tension whenever Namjoon is present, the not knowing what to say when they talk business.

“Okay then… has it got anything to do with you leaving us saturday night?” 

“Oh fuck off, I said I was sorry.” Jeongguk rolls his eyes, already moving to pick up the discarded ball, but Eunwoo just chuckles teasingly.

“Come on, man. No need to be embarrassed,” Eunwoo continues to chuckle darkly, following Jeongguk away from the bench where they resume their friendly game of ball. “If you abandoned us to get your dick wet by some bitch then that’s calm, no judgment from me.” 

Jeongguk kicks the ball rather harshly in Eunwoo’s direction, earning an amused cackle from said man as he chases after it. “Eat a dick.”

Eunwoo balls his face up in disgust, making a noise at the comment. Jeongguk can’t help the uncomfortable feeling brewing in the pit of his stomach, trailing a path up to the back of his throat until he has to swallow it down, his adam's apple bobbing with the motion. He hasn’t told his friend his sudden change in preference in fear of Eunwoo’s rejection. They’ve never spoken about their views on stuff like sexuality, something Jeongguk realises he regrets if it means he’d know how Eunwoo would react about Jeongguk liking men. Though, Jeongguk has a rough idea if his bunched up face of displeasure means anything.

“What was with that dude at the party?” Eunwoo eventually asks, drawing Jeongguk out of his daze. They begin lightly kicking the ball back and forth between each other, giving them something to do as they talk.

“What dude?” Jeongguk says nonchalantly as his eyes strain to follow the ball, purposely avoiding the others gaze. 

“You know.” He does know.

“Nope, I don’t.” Eunwoo huffs, rolling his eyes. 

“The guy that decided it’d be good to have a punch up, caused a bit of a commotion, fun to watch though.” 

Jeongguk hums, his stare not wavering from the sport in front of him. “What about him?” 

The other boy shrugs, becoming more playful as he trails the ball closer towards Jeongguk, feigning a pass as he drags it back towards himself skillfully with his right foot. Eunwoo chuckles, amused as Jeongguk surges towards the ball and misses. “I dunno, man. You seemed like you knew him pretty well, he got worked up about some guy- hey!” Jeongguk manages to steal the ball from him, kicking it between his legs expertly before trailing off behind him. 

“Fucking, brat.” Eunwoo mumbles, stalking Jeongguk like prey as he continues. “Do you know him or somethin’?” Instead of answering, Jeongguk hums, pretending to be immersed in the game when really his focus is elsewhere, reminiscing over the club events. “Why was he so pissed?” 

Jeongguk shrugs, not justifying his questions with an answer. He’s recently learnt that he unwillingly gives himself away too easily, be it his voice or expression, but people seem to read him like an open book. That’s something Jeongguk is learning to cease. 

“Right, what’s wrong?” Eunwoo straightens up with a frown.

“Nothing.” 

“Bullshit.”

Jeongguk opens his mouth, ready to argue that he’s fine once again, but closes it when he finally looks at Eunwoo frowning. 

“Dude, Minjun tells me he saw you two arguing in the street, seemed pretty heated.”

_ Fuck _ .

If Minjun saw the argument, then surely he saw them kiss-

_ Fuck. _

“Did- did your brother see anything else?” His eyes search Eunwoo’s for any sign of disgust, perhaps a hint of knowing behind them. Eunwoo knows of his views towards his brother, knows how he thinks Minjun is untrustworthy. So if said boy saw him and Taehyung kiss… it would just be bad, Jeongguk isn’t ready to be outed yet-  _ fuck,  _ he hasn’t even told his own brother, let alone Eunwoo’s.

Eunwoo’s biting his lip, frown deepening and  _ shit _ , Jeongguk doesn’t know if he should consider that a good or bad sign. 

“No, why?” Jeongguk mentally sighs, relief flooding his system.

“What is he to you?” Eunwoo continues to ask and fuck, what does Jeongguk even say back to that? He could lie, down play Taehyung's importance to Eunwoo, explain how he’s just Namjoons friend. Yet, saying that just wouldn’t sit right with Jeongguk. At the same time, he couldn’t tell his friend everything, how can he explain his relationship with Taehyung when he himself doesn’t even know one hundred percent?

That night, admittedly, was one of Jeongguk’s favourite nights, as strange as that may seem. Despite the argument, though it served as a very heated make-up session that still sends shivers down his spine whenever he thinks about it, the night somehow turned for the greater good. 

Somehow, Jeongguk managed to voice his feelings, leave it open and bare for Taehyung to see, to  _ use _ . Jeongguk learnt, hell, he's always known that Taehyung may never like him the way Jeongguk wanted, has been warned on multiple occasions by his brother or Jimin, hell, even Yoongi had warned him. It was odd, Yoongi never spoke much of Taehyung’s feelings considering they refer to one another as brothers. Yoongi’s answers would always be curt, shutting down Jeongguk’s questions. 

But this one time, Yoongi was the one to speak first, completely catching Jeongguk off guard. 

_ “Be careful, Jeongguk.”  _ Yoongi had said one evening, when the pair was left on their own whilst the others were busy.  _ “Taehyung’s an unpredictable person.” _

That was a while ago now, right after the first time himself and Taehyung fooled around in the back of the elders car, a fleeting memory compared to more recent events. Of course, he didn’t listen, wanted so badly to know more about Taehyung, to experience being intimate with the elder again, even though Jeongguk knew he’d eventually hurt himself. Jeongguk knew Taehyung’s intentions with him weren't exactly pure, that the older was probably using him as a bit of fun. But take shakes that part of himself off, pretending he doesn’t notice Taehyung's play-boy persona. 

But, that’s before he learnt Taehyung may reciprocate his feelings. Now, Jeongguk isn’t naive enough to believe Taehyung beat up a guy for the fun of it, the elder was jealous, that he’s sure of. Taehyung is hot when he’s angry, some moronic part of Jungkook’s brain supplies. Which then leads to the sex, something that no matter the outcome, Jeongguk will always hold the memory dearly. It was an experience like no other, not just because it was his first time with a man, but because it was so intimate. Jeongguk has been treated with such care, with such fondness, but at the same time he was fucked thoroughly, so desperate for each other. Then there was Taehyung’s babbles, Jeongguk doesn’t want to believe Taehyung said what he said just because they were in the heat of the moment. 

_ ‘Only you’ _

Jeongguk believes him, he saw how genuine the elder looked, the glint in Taehyung's eye, so Jeongguk believes him. 

_ ‘I want to be good for you…’ _

“Someone important.” Jeongguk settles for instead because, that’s the truth, vague but the truth all the same. Eunwoo gives him an odd look, his head tilting towards the side in curiosity. 

“Right,” Eunwoo gives him a once over, looking as if he wants to say more, add to the bizarre responses Jeongguk supplies. Before he can, Jeongguk’s quick to steal the ball, running off laughing as Eunwoo shouts curses, the words becoming more incoherent the further he gets. 

Eventually he’ll tell Eunwoo, one day when Jeongguk is ready. The moment didn’t feel right, he has yet to tell his parents, his brother, until then he’ll keep his thoughts to himself. 

_ His parents.  _

Right, his parents are coming home. 

  
  


***

  
  


For the remaining day, Jeongguk spends it waiting around, doing anything to pass time as his mind wonders, building scenarios in his head, replaying events that haven’t even happened yet. 

He’s nervous, that much is clear. 

You’d think he’d be excited, a part of Jeongguk is, but he can’t help the anxiety he feels when thinking of everything that’s happened, so much has changed in a small period of time. 

Jeongguk’s nervous because he doesn’t feel ready to explain the last few months to his parents. Explain how one moment he knew of his sexuality, a concept he thought he had figured out a long time ago, and the next moment, he’s falling deeply for Taehyung, a man. It’s a lot for him to say at once, there’s so much pent up emotions, too much for him to tell them,  _ explain  _ to them.

Then there’s the underlying fear of what his parents may think, if they’ll accept Jeongguk’s new found discovery, understanding a crucial part of himself that may have not been there before. Or maybe it has, maybe Jeongguk was the only one blind to his sexuality while others could see his persona bleed out, giving away every detail he didn’t realise existed. Or, they’ll shun him out, be disappointed in the man he has become purely because of a sexual preference. He can’t see his parents acting that way, his father may not be impressed but he’s not the type to disown his own child. 

So he’s happy he’ll see them, he has missed them endlessly. However, Jeongguk wouldn’t call what he feels as excitement, after being so used to staying with Namjoon, he’s afraid it’ll somehow come to an end, that’s something Jeongguk doesn’t want. So for these facts, he’s nervous. 

His mood doesn’t falter even when he’s in the car with Namjoon, the pair driving up to the airport to pick up their parents. The car is filled with nothing but soft tunes from the radio, white noise to fill the evident tension building, growing as they get closer. The two brothers haven’t voiced their opinion on the situation, haven’t said anything regarding their parents coming home for that matter. They’ve shared looks, ones that suggest what they already know without having to physically say it. 

Something bad is bound to happen. 

It isn’t usual for his parents to visit purely because they have missed their children, or feel it's about time they come home again, as rare as the visit may be. It still happens. What is unusual, is the fact they are both returning, and together at that. Normally, it’ll be separate visits from each parent on different occasions, so for them to come together means they’re here for a reason. News, most probably.

There’s always been something terribly melancholic and poetic about reunions. The building anxiety, the waiting around for that someone to appear, the racing of ones heart, exhaling heavily in order to control your breathing. As more time passes, the more Jeongguk feels the butterflies in his stomach, growing larger with each person that passes them, expecting to see two familiar faces. By the looks of if, Namjoon shares the same emotion, though he wouldn’t call what Namjoon feels as exhilarated to see his parents. 

This is nothing like the movies, no one runs when the pair shuffle through the doors with minimum luggage. No one cries when they walk the small distance between each other. Time doesn’t slow, now one pauses with huge smiles and teary eyes. Instead, they take their time when approaching their parents, almost hesitant to do so, but once they do, once their mother offers her hand out for Jeongguk to hold, he feels warmth. It’s instant, it spreads across his whole body as she envelops him in a hug.

“My babies, it’s been so long.” She squeezes him one last time before letting go, moving past her youngest son so Namjoon receives the same treatment. 

“Hi, mum.” They’re definitely not here just for a catch up session, Jeongguk’s gut told him as soon as the texts rolled in only a day ago. He had learnt from the last time that he should listen to his gut, that it’s always right, so that's what he’s going to do.

And his gut is telling him there’s some ulterior motives for his parents' return. 

Jeongguk switches his gaze from his mother and brother hugging, Namjoon appearing a tad uncomfortable before he eases in the hug, holding her with the same energy. His father stands tall, luggage beside his polished shoes. There’s a desolate expression painted over his face, not revealing any inner emotions. He’s a void, a shell of who he is. His lips are stretched into a taut, thin line and his features are smooth, clean. He’s dressed to impress, evidently, with his fluffy, blow dried hair that’s carefully curling in the front and his expensive, pristine suit. 

“Dad,” Jeongguk offers a smile, one he attempts to return, though his smile is a small pout of his lips, closed mouth and only lasting a few seconds. Jeongguk embraces him in a small hug all the same, one he returns with a pat on the back. 

“It's good to see you again,” Jeongguk only smiles wider, relief flooding his system. His nerves still linger in the background but they’re no longer as loud, instead, turning into a soft hum. 

That is until his father's gaze drifts to the figures behind him, making eye contact with Namjoon for the first time. Jeongguk has been aware of the visible turmoil between his father and brother for a while now. Anyone who bothers to observe their interactions for more than a few minutes will. 

“Son.” Their father greets Namjoon with a nod of his head in acknowledgment. 

“Sir.” Namjoon offers backs, lacking any sense of emotion, his face an abyss. He’s frigidity around his father, his reluctance to associate with him and opting to look elsewhere, the tension is so thick, Jeongguk feels himself wanting to suck in a breath. 

“Good to see you, Namjoon.” Said boy attempts a smile, a small thing that never reaches his eyes. It’s affectionate, even if their relationship hasn’t been the same since they were children. 

“You too.” 

“Have my boys been looking after themselves?” Their mother asks, breaking any tension in the room. She takes this opportunity to pinch Jeongguk’s cheeks, a very old habit he had grown out of long ago, but she never fails to at least do it once when she sees him. 

“Yes, mum. Three meals a day and everything.” Jeongguk puts up a fuss each time, swatting unyielding

hands away but smiling regardless, secretly loving the attention. 

“My good boys,” She finally releases his cheek, patting it affectionately before turning to her eldest son. “I expect you’ve been looking after each other, not getting into any fights?” 

Himself and Namjoon roll their eyes in sync, smiling despite her questions. They’re a lot older now, nothing like they were as children, bickering over petty and trivial matters. Normally over childish things like toys or favoritism from a parent. Yeah, they can argue, but nothing like they did when they were younger and when they do argue, it’s usually over something as significant as Namjoon just being the protective big brother he's grown accustomed to. For the next few minutes the family exchange stories; Jeongguk asking how their flight was, to which their mother goes into detail about this one spoiled child who kept kicking and screaming the whole time, inevitably keeping the pair up during the whole flight. They ask about work, a subject both Namjoon and Jeongguk know their father would gracefully indulge in.

It’s nice, Jeongguk hadn't realised how much he’s missed his parents. For now, he allows himself to feel serene, savouring the moment as one he won’t forget. He knows, somewhere in the back of his head, chanting the words, that they’re here for a reason. Jeongguk isn’t blind to notice how both his parents never contribute to the same conversation. He isn’t blind to notice the distance between them, even when they venture back to Namjoons, talking until late, they sit at the opposite ends of the room never making eye contact. Even when they call it a night, their parents taking Jeongguk’s room while the latter crashes out in Namjoon’s, they don’t talk, barely utter a word to each other unless addressed together. 

But this isn’t unusual behavior for their parents, rather, it’s something Jeongguk’s pretty familiar with, having watched his parents curt interactions at a young age. They’re not the type to smother one another in loving touches, whispering sweet nothings before bed. They’re affectionate in their own strange way. Jeongguk’s watched the spark leave their eyes long ago, something he knows he would never want for himself, wouldn’t want to feel as if he’s trying to maintain a broken relationship. 

He should be happy both parents are here, together, finally in the same room. To some extent he is, but he mostly feels tense, walking on eggshells to avoid whatever turmoil they need to spill. It’s so obvious by the way their father remains quiet, more so than usual, half indulging in the conversation but mostly zoning out. Their mother isn’t too dissimilar herself, constantly avoiding questions in favour of asking her own. 

They’re avoiding something. 

“Hyung,” 

He shuffles, hauling the cover further away from Jeongguk’s body, the loss of warmth is instant. 

“Hyung,”

He tries again and for a minute, Jeongguk thinks Namjoon is actually asleep, but the his brother releases a long sigh, his body now a dead weight in the sheet. 

“It’s late.” 

Jeongguk hums. 

He already knows how late it actually is, considering he’s been up this whole time, lying awake with nothing but his thoughts - and the occasional snore from Namjoon of course. 

He’s grown victim to his own mind too many times. It’s a weakness of his, to overthink, something he does at any given opportunity. It happens when he’s stressed or worried, which is all the time. There’s nothing's more dangerous than a running mind.

“Are you okay?”

“I would be if I was asleep.” Jeongguk mentally rolls his eyes but can’t resist a small kick to the back of Namjoon's leg. 

“I  _ mean _ , are you okay, you know, with our parents, here?” Jeongguk asks.

His brother gives in, stirring awake and turning to his side, facing Jeongguk with one eye open. “Why wouldn't I be okay? They’re our parents.” 

Jeongguk shrugs, ruffling the remaining sheets covering his frame as he does so. Namjoon sighs when Jeongguk doesn’t answer.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

A pause.

“Do you not want to see them?-“

“Do you?” Namjoon scrunches his face at Jeongguk's question. 

“I…” Namjoon pauses once again and that’s all Jeongguk needs to hear because his brother wouldn’t hesitate if he knew. “I don’t know.” Namjoon answers honestly, his face a void of any emotions, a trait he most likely inherited from their father. Clearly Jeongguk didn’t. 

“You know,” Jeongguk begins. “I used to despise you,” he remembers it well, going through a stage of disliking his brother. Never hating him, Jeongguk doesn’t think he could ever hate Namjoon, he admires him too much for that. But, his loathe for his brother accumulated, not because he was jealous of him, it was because he hated the dynamic of their family, how much it had changed since he was little. He was angry that his brother no longer looked up to his parents like Jeongguk still did, was angry that Namjoon often picked fights, biting back or shutting himself off from them. 

Jeongguk later discovered he never stopped liking his brother, never stopped looking up to him, that it was hurt he felt. He channeled all that hurt into hatred and anger, all because he didn’t understand why Namjoon would act that way. 

That was when Jeongguk was just a kid that didn’t understand, who didn’t see the big picture, didn’t see what was behind the holidays, the laugh, the smiles. Because deep down, Jeongguk knows his parents don’t love each other, that they feel obliged to stay together purely because of him and Namjoon. He would never admit it, has always avoided the possibility because how could Jeongguk not? He loves his parents, it pains him to think of them apart. It scares him. 

Namjoon saw all of this, saw how his parents didn’t love each other, could barely stay in the same room together. He had always been the one to receive the short end of the stick. His father had been eager to ensure Namjoon gets into a good university, had been groomed to follow in their father's footsteps and study law and graduate with flying colours. But of course Namjoon never wanted that, had voiced his love for music instead. 

Their relationship has never been the same since then. Despite his reassurance, their father was keen on his plan for Namjoon, so you could only imagine his disappointment when Namjoon rufused. Their dynamic shifted, though Jeongguk wonders if it never shifted at all and it had always been that way. Luckily for Jeongguk, he applied to become a business major, not wanting to disappoint his parents even though that dispute happened years ago. His father was quite accepting of Jeongguk’s choice, deeming it a worthy major, next to law of course.

He never once asked his brother what was wrong, why he reacted the way he did. Jeongguk understands how their relationship could be knocked after their disagreement. What he doesn’t understand is how, to this day, they still remain on bad terms, teetering on the edge around each other. He can’t help but feels there’s something more, something Jeongguk is missing, Namjoons loathe towards their father goes deeper than one significant incident. 

Jeongguk’s always been too afraid to asks. 

Fears that he may already know and by him asking, it becomes real. 

Namjoons empty persona falters, revealing a hint of hurt sparkling in his eyes. 

“It didn’t last long, I was mostly annoyed than I was angry at you. Our parents, well…” 

“I know.” Namjoon reassures him with a smile, one that Jeongguk knows means he understands. 

“Right, well, I’m sorry. I don’t think I even apologised for acting like a brat-“

“You’re always a brat.” Jeongguk clicks his tongue.

“ _ And,  _ I know it wasn’t your fault, you had it much worse than me. I ended up blaming you for the way our parents acted, how they were rarely there. You were always trying to look out for me and I- I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t have to apologise, kid. I already know, you were young then and didn’t understand.”  _ But you’re not anymore. _

Jeongguk wants to say more, explain to him just how much he looks up to Namjoon. How he puts him on a pedestal, hoping that one day he’ll be half as good of a person as he is. It’s at this moment, once again, that Jeongguk finds himself wanting to tell Namjoon, voice his secrets and new found discovery.

_ I like men. _

_ No,  _

_ I like Taehyung.  _

I’d be so simple, only costing him a few words. A part of him feels that Namjoon already knows. No, he  _ knows _ that his brother knows. Yet, Jeongguk’s still scared to voice out loud to him. Jimin was one person, a friend, someone he trusts wholeheartedly despite only knowing each other for a mere few months. But, it’s  _ because  _ he’s only known Jimin for a short period of time that it was easier for Jeongguk to tell him. Namjoon’s his brother, someone he looks up to, so his opinion matters so much more. 

“Are you really okay with our parents being here? You know you didn’t have to offer for them to stay here.” 

“Stop worrying. I’m fine with it, and if I wasn’t, it’d only be for a short while anyway.” 

Jeongguk hums, watching carefully for anything that’d show him otherwise, tell him that Namjoon is only just saying that. Instead all he receives is a smile so he drops it, returning the smile. 

“Now go to bed, you sap.”

Jeongguk kicks his leg with the heel of his foot. 

“G’night, brat.” 

  
  


*

  
  


It’s the next day when it happens.

It’s evening time, steadily growing darker and darker and there isn’t a single soul to be heard, only the soft murmurs amongst the family. They’ve spent the majority of the day catching up, talking amongst themselves about everything and anything. Namjoon had work in the morning, helping Hoseok at the garage since he doesn’t work at the club until the weekends. 

“When’s your flight back?” Namjoon asks whilst unpacking their dinner, a takeaway once again since everyone is too tired to cook. Jeongguk receives a smack on his hands when he reaches for one of the chicken slices, so hungry and unable to help himself.

“Watch it, you shit.” 

“Don’t call your brother that.” She scolds and clips Namjoons ear, said boy rubbing the small pain with a playful pout. Jeongguk just snickers, feeling smug for a mere second before he receives the same treatment. “And don’t be greedy.” 

It’s playful, they way they all snicker after Jungkook’s pout. He’s missed this, that’s for sure. When the laughter begins to die down, their mother speaks again, finally answering Namjoon’s previous question. 

“Why? You trying to get rid of us already, hm Joonie?” She tells him, smiling behind her mug, a childish Rilakkuma drawing covering the surface. It’s Namjoons, though if you asked him he would deny all knowledge of owning it. 

Namjoons shoves her shoulder, rolling his eyes. “You know that’s not the case.” 

She giggles lightly for a second. “I know, I’m only teasing. Your father and I will be leaving in two days, it’s a short visit since we are both so busy at work, you understand right?” Their mum explains, setting the mug on the surface of their kitchen table. 

Namjoons nods with a hum, finishing with a small smile, one that she returns. 

“Speaking of dad, where is he?” Jeongguk asks, noticing the lack of their father's presence around the room. 

“Think he had a conference call, go check if he’s finished so we can eat.” Their mother explains, moving away from the counter in favour of helping her eldest son with setting the food out. Jeongguk does as told, moving away from the open kitchen and into Namjoons room, assuming their father is there. 

His assumptions are correct when he hears a soft murmur behind the door, incoherent words voiced down the phone to, what Jeongguk assumes, work. That is, until, Jeongguk gets closer to the door, close enough that he’s about to knock but stops short when hearing the one sided conversation.

“I know, Daeun.”

There’s a muffled sound behind the phone, Jeongguk doesn’t know what is said, but he has a bad feeling all the same. 

“Yes, darling.” A pause. “I love you too.” The feelings instant, spreading across his whole body and settling deep in the bit of his stomach; fear, panic, anger. You name it, Jeongguk feels it all. For a minute, he just stands there with his hand still stretched out, fist clenched where he was about to knock on the door. 

That is until his father turns, phone discarded in his sleek trousers. 

“Fu- Jeongguk.” He startles, staggering backwards with a hand hovering over his chest. Jeongguk just stares, his body and brain not cooperating with one another because he can’t move, his stupid hand is still out stretched. Frozen.

He finally put it down, taking a step back when his father goes to walk words at him. 

“You-“ and then it settles, Jeongguk knows who that was, he’s not a stupid child anymore. Who else would his father be calling darling, saying ‘I love you’ too? Because it sure as hell isn't his wife, their mum who's in the other room right this moment. He’s not that naive to believe otherwise, is done pretending their family is fine, living in harmony.

Yeah, he knows who that is.

Their father loves another woman.

“Who’s Daeun?” Despite knowing who she is, he still asks, demanding an answer. 

“Son, listen-“

“Who the  _ fuck _ is Daeun?” 

Jeongguk doesn’t even recognise his own voice as he yells, fists clenched, feeling his body shake. His words are sharp, cutting deeply in the tense air, his father must feel it too since he sucks in a breath before resuming his composed persona, feigning calmness. 

“Jeongguk?” his voice must’ve alerted his mother since she’s now beside him, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder. It does nothing to mollify his fear, his  _ hurt.  _ His eyes never waver from his father, straining to uncover any ounce of truth, reason behind his betrayal.

“Oh, for fuck sake.” Jeongguk allows himself a second to glance beside him, now noticing Namjoon has also joined them, displeasure evident by his furrowed brows and hard jaw. It was only for a second before he’s turning back to the man in the middle of Namjoon's room, his shoulders tense despite his cool expression. 

“Who is Daeun?” He repeats for a third time, his voice scarily calm, a major contrast compared to what he feels inside. 

Silence.

“You gotta be shitting me. Fuck- if you don’t tell him, I will.” Namjoon states, gesturing his hands at their father as he talks. Although Jeongguk doesn’t notice that, he can’t tear his gaze away from his dad. 

Said man's shoulders visible slacken, sagging down with a small sigh, barely audible if it wasn’t for the tense silence. Jeongguk takes that opportunity to glimpse at his mum, wondering if she’s as curious and lost as he, but when he turns, he notices she looks almost… guilty? 

Now that's thrown Jeongguk off. He’s sure his father has cheated, unless she already knew? And what about Namjoon’s comment?

“Tell me what?” Jeongguk’s voice wavers, fear escaping through his words, making it very evident for people to see. He looks around the room, waiting for someone to say something, specifically for someone to explain. When no one speaks, all looking guilty with their heads downcast, Jeongguk decides to settle his gaze on his brother, lifting a curious brow as if to silently demand an answer. 

Namjoon opens his mouth, ready to speak and-

“Daeun’s my… girlfriend, so to speak”

And there it is, the unsettling feeling expanding. As if it was a creature, it tugs and pulls at Jeongguk’s insides, twisting painfully until he feels as if he could throw up. 

For a moment, Jeongguk just stares.

He’s not taking in much notice of anything, doesn’t observe his father's almost panicked expression or his mother’s sorrowful face, his brothers hard glare at their father. 

No, instead Jeongguk just stares at nothing. 

“How old?” He whispers, the words faint when they fall from his lips and they almost go unheard if it wasn’t for the apparent silence that’s descended over the small bedroom. 

“Excuse me?” His father frowns, transparently confused by his vague questions. 

“How old was I w-when you started seeing her?” 

“Jeongguk that’s not-“

“ _ When _ ?”

“I don’t know, maybe-“

“10, Jeongguk, you were 10.” Namjoon cuts in for him, stern but regarding Jeongguk with the softest of looks, one that radiates guilt and sympathy. 

Right, 10. That was two years before Namjoon moved out, about the age Namjoon went against their fathers wishes and took music as a degree instead of law. That was the year everything went south, their family dynamic turning sour, more so than usual. That’s when Namjoon began resenting their father, always so stern and cut off from the family and…  _ oh. _

_ Shit. _

“You knew?” Jeongguk directs his question to their mum, her eyes glistening in warm lighting coming from a singular lamp, one of them aesthetic ones Namjoon considered cool at the time. 

“And you knew?” He’s looking at Namjoon now. He’s not really asking his brother, more, he’s stating something he now knows. Still, Namjoon nods his head once, confirming. 

“I never meant to find out, it just happened. I caught him with her one night.” Namjoon says the last part with a glare directed at their father. 

“That’s what we wanted to talk about,” their mother begins, speaking so faintly, she sounds so scared. “your father and I-“ 

He zones out, already stepping away from the bedroom, his feet automatically taking him away from the scene, moving to the front door on their own. The words hit his chest like hot acid. If he was listening, he would’ve heard the voice of his father, calling out his name and his mother’s sob as he leaves the house. But he can’t listen, not with the same words replaying over and over in his head like a mantra, chanting tauntingly. 

_ A divorce _ .

Their father has a new woman, someone he loves that isn’t their mum. 

They’re getting a  _ divorce _ . 

He doesn’t know where his feet are taking him, too lost in his own mind to really pay attention. He was painfully aware of his parents' indifferences at a young age, but never did he think it’d come to this. He eventually does stop, taking note of the almost familiar scenery despite venturing down an uncommon route. It's night now, the moon reaching its highest peak, full darkness enveloping, the only light source comes from the streets lamps or buildings. It’s quiet, not a soul in sight, though that’s what is to be expected when venturing to a part of town not many others visit. 

It’s looking around that he thinks of it. 

It’s looking at the stars, the empty town, the lights casting down from other buildings despite the owners retiring for the night. 

It’s looking at all of this that he calls Taehyung. 

“Hyung.” Is the first thing Jeongguk say’s after Taehyung picks up the call on the third ring. 

“Hey, Guk.” Taehyung doesn’t sound groggy, it’s to be expected considering this is classed as early for him, the latter not going to bed until much later. Usually when Jeongguk sleeps round, they’d sleep earlier, attempting to get that much more shut eye, something Taehyungs missed during their dispute. Jeongguk feels bad about that whole situation, though his anger was justified, he still feels bad for not being there for Taehyung when he was needed, couldn't put his silly feelings behind him when the elder sort out Jeongguk’s help. He had explained about his parents return, and despite Jeongguk’s protest, Taehyung reassured him he’ll be fine for a few days and that Jeongguk should spend quality time with his family. 

He almost laughs at that thought. 

“Hyung, I-“ An unwanted lump forms in the back of his throat, one he quickly swallows to not alert Taehyung of his obvious pain. 

“Guk? What’s wrong?” He appears too late. 

“I- c-can you come pick me up?” 

Taehyung’s quick to agree, he could already hear rustling and movement from the other end before Jeongguk could finish. He had explained where he was, described the place that formulated the thought to call the other in the first place. He knew where he wanted to go, where he needed to go, hoping to find some tranquility there. The elder recognised where he was from Jeongguk’s vague description, already in the car and promised to arrive in less than 10 minutes. 

True to his word, Taehyung arrives in less than 10 minutes, parking on the curb, outside a small bar, one that Jeongguk has been waiting near for the past few minutes, dwelling on his thoughts. It’s lively, even for a weekday, the bar is filled with laughter and cheers. Any other day, Jeongguk would watch through the window in wonder and delight, enjoy the music and singing. But now, it simply annoys him.

Much to Jeongguk's gratitude, Taehyung doesn’t say anything when he gets in the passenger's side of the car, he smiles before silently watching the younger secure his seatbelt and drive away from the curb. He remembers from the last time they drove down this street, it wouldn’t take them long to reach their destination. During the short drive, Jeongguk allows his mind to wander once more, can’t help it from drifting back to everything that’s happened only minutes ago. But he also thinks back to him as a child, reminiscing over old times, memories of their parents, realising how they’ve had issues even back then.

It’s little things, Jeongguk questions whether his father did actually stay late for business or if he was, in fact, with Daeun. He feels an immense amount of pain, betrayal from his parents, from Namjoon. 

That’s what hurts the most, is knowing this has been going on for years and everyone knew, accept him. He feels embarrassed, to think that he was the only one living in a false reality, thinking his parents still had an ounce of love for each other despite their indifferences. Maybe if Jeongguk was told years ago, wasn’t left in the dark, then he’d react differently. He’d be angry, yes, but at least he would’ve had the time to accept that his parents no longer seek each other's comfort, no longer reciprocate each other’s love. 

Jeongguk would learn to be happy for them if it meant for his parents to take solicitude in other people. 

But they lied, and had kept this from him for so long. 

Taehyung eventually comes to a stop, parking the car in the familiar area, somewhere Jeongguk has only ever been once with the elder but has been craving to revisit. A getaway from life, Taehyung had said, a way to escape. 

The elder takes the silence as a good opportunity to reach for his packet of cigarettes, prying one from the box before lighting it up, one of his hands shielding the breeze coming from the opened window. 

“Want one?” The elder asks after a drag, a puff of smoking filling the car, illuminated by the soft light. Jeongguk considers it, crunching his face up in thought. Taehyung must sense his contemplation as two of his fingers reach out to display the butt for Jeongguk to take. 

He accepts but coughs after a long inhale, passing the cig back for Taehyung to take, the latter chuckling as he accepts what’s presented to him. 

“Know how they say smoking works?”

“How?” Jeongguk tries to answer, his voice coming out more croaky than he intends, a cough threatening to escape once more. 

“Adrenaline rush, ‘s why it's nice after a fuck.”

Jeongguk huffs a slow laugh, one that Taehyung reciprocates, thin smoke cascading from his mouth. 

“Hm. Probably, can’t say I’ve tried it.”

“You should.” Taehyung sends him a devilish smile, mischief behind his words before he turns his head forward again, glancing out the front window. Silence descends once more, and for a fleeting second, Jeongguk was able to escape his own mind. 

_ Your father and I- _

Jeongguk winces at the memory, he hadn’t allowed his mother a chance to finish her sentence but she didn’t need to, he already knew how it would end. Jeongguk couldn’t revisit what had happened earlier, not without being met with humiliation and regret that was near unbearable to swallow. Maybe he should’ve stayed, allowed them to explain, but he knows it would’ve been pointless, that anything they would’ve tried to explain wouldn’t settle in Jeongguk’s head, the word ‘divorce’ ringing in his mind. 

“Wanna talk about it?” The sound of Taehyung’s voice penetrates all thoughts, dragging him out of his sorrowful stupor. He could feel the elders eyes heavily on him, but it isn’t uncomfortable, rather, it settles him somewhat. To know Taehyung is with him, just his mere presence is enough to slightly settle the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach and his racing thoughts. 

It’s times like these that Jeongguk finds himself grateful Taehyung is in his life. The scenery also helps, parked in the exact spot they did before, glancing above the town. 

It’s peaceful here. 

Jeongguk exhales before glancing back at Taehyung, meeting the elders' heavy eyes. A few moments pass, it feels like minutes but Jeongguk knows they’re only seconds, his mind delaying spilling his turmoil as he stares at Taehyung. 

“What was your dream when you were younger?” Jeongguk asks instead, receiving an odd look from Taehyung, but he doesn’t question him. 

Jeongguk breaks eye contact in favour of glancing out the front window while he waits. He cranes his neck back, looking up and out the sunroof. A formation of birds fly overhead, their distant calls echoing down where he sits in the car. It’s a peaceful night, so unlike the roiling, inner turmoil currently going on inside him. But the sweet smells and soft breeze coming from the window soon loosens him up, making him feel more relaxed.

“Didn’t have many dreams as a child, not your conventional dreams anyway. Why’d you ask?” Taehyung eventually answers with a shrug, throwing the bud of his finished cig out the window. 

“Mine was to fall in love, find that one person I could grow old with, y’know? Be happy. It’s fucking sappy, I know.” Jeongguk chuckles humorlessly, knowing it’s not as simplistic as that, to just be happy. Taehyung doesn’t offer any sign of responding, listening intently as Jeongguk explains his spinning thoughts.

“My parents are getting a divorce, or so I think. I kinda walked out before anything more could be said.” He finishes with a shrug, earning a small frown from Taehyung, one that suggests he’s processing Jeongguk’s words.

“You walked out?” The elder eventually asks.

Jeongguk hums in agreement. “Dad’s with some other women, ‘s been seeing her for years. Everyone knew except for me.” Jeongguk begins playing with his fingers, a rush of emotions fleeting back at the memory. “I knew they’ve had issues, that maybe they didn’t love each other like they once did, but I never expected them to lie for this long. I used to think they were inseparable as a child, but I realised how wrong I was.”

“It scares me, the idea of being with someone you don’t truly love. I feel almost ashamed that they’ve kept this from me, preventing themselves from truly being happy for my sake.”

Silence descends the car, but it isn’t uncomfortable. He avoids making eye contact with the other, continuing to stare down at his fingers as he plays with the dead skin at the corners. It remains quiet until he can hear rustling from his side, Taehyug reaches over, fingers gently tugging at the fabric of Jeongguk’s top. 

“C’mere.”

“What?”

“Just, c’mere.” Taehyung insists. But Jeongguk’s already throwing a leg over the console, straddling the elder with his back facing the scenery. He isn’t complaining, he thinks Taehyung is better to gaze at anyway. He quirks an eyebrow at him but Taehyung shakes his head and kisses him. The relief he feels is immediate, the stress he feels oozing out of him. 

“What was that for?” Jeongguk asks once they break the kiss, lips red and swollen from where Taehyung began biting the flesh. A light smile from Taehyung is all it takes for nothing to feel like an imposing weight anymore. The elder shrugs, his small smile not wavering as he does so. 

“Thought you needed it.” 

“Gross.”

“Shut up, you liked it.” He feigns disgust by scrunching his face but places a quick kiss to his lips anyway. When Jeongguk pulls back once again, he just stares. Admiring Taehyung and all his glory, scanning his features and taking notice of his many moles. Something Jeongguk has come to adore. He should feel strange, sitting in Taehyung's lap, having been so used to being the one who had someone in  _ his _ lap. Instead, he feels comfortable, Taehyung holds his hips like he belongs, likes he’s made to sit in his lap. 

Jeongguk knows Taehyung is doing his best to come across as reassuring, he may not say much but Jeongguk just knows. Their views on love and family are entirely different, or so, they were. Taehyung viewed it all in such a weakening way, something of unimportance. But he’s trying, doing his best to look past his initial fear, his original belief on love. Taehyung’s been stripped of a normal childhood, someone who hadn’t revived the love he needed, the love he deserved. 

It doesn't matter how much of Taehyung’s pain Jeongguk sees, he’s still only scraping the surface.

But Taehyung had promised to try, what that means exactly Jeongguk is unsure of, but he at least knows the elder cares as Jeongguk does for him.

“I think you need to talk to them.” 

  
  


***

  
  


They’ve been sitting outside for a while now, deciding to get some fresh air rather than being cramped in a compact car. Looking at his phone, Jeongguk winces when he realises he’s been here for almost three hours, finding multiple missed calls from his mother and Namjoon, a few from his father. Jeongguk sighs. 

Despite knowing how late it is, he still looks across the small town, the lights still bright as if it never sleeps. It’s peaceful, feeling serene, immersing himself in nature.

Averting his gaze, Jeongguk looks back at Taehyung, taking in how his eyes sag, his dark marks appearing more prominent in the small lighting. “You look tired.”

“I’m always tired.” It’s said as a joke, but Jeongguk gives him a sad look all the same, one that Taehyung waves off and tries to hide behind a smile. 

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Taehyung asks with his brows knitted. 

“Keeping you up.” 

“You know I wouldn't have been able to sleep properly without you anyway.” Taehyung voices so naturally, as if he’s discussing something as simple as the weather, when in reality it’s much deeper than that. He realises they haven’t had much chance to discover ways in helping Taehyung sleep better, other than their small sleeping arrangements, they haven’t actually done much different. 

“What about the nights I’m not with you? You can’t just not sleep.” Jeongguk voices his worry, something he’s been pondering about for a while. 

“What?”

“I was just thinking, maybe you should try other methods-“ Taehyung frowns, most likely misinterpreting his suggestion as him not wanting to help the elder anymore, which obviously isn’t the case. “Not that I don’t want to help, of course I’ll help you and still spend nights with you. I just mean for the nights that I’m not there, you could spend them trying other stuff?” Jeongguk pauses to think.

“Like, I heard practicing Yoga and meditation can help, and-“ a sudden laugh stops Jeongguk from rambling further, something he’s aware he was doing but didn’t know how to stop. Though, Taehyung just looks amused more than anything else, his lips tugging at the side in an obvious smile. 

“Okay, stop.” Taehyung says between small chuckles, his boxy grin on display. “You won’t catch me dead doing yoga.” Taehyung scrunches his face at suggestion, Jeongguk can’t help envisioning the other man wearing them tight pink legging everyone seems to wear when they do yoga. He chuckles to himself. 

“Fine, but maybe something else?” 

“Okay.” Taehyung smiles sheepishly, biting his bottom lip before looks back over the town. 

“Good.” Jeongguk offers his own smile, his worries aren’t fully sedated but he still feels a slight weight being lifted. Neither of them feel too compelled to go back inside, instead basking in the serenity of the moment, accepting the peace they’re finding between each other.

“c’mon, it’s late.” He huffs, scowling at Taehyung for dampening his mood. He obliges either way.

Standing outside his front door, Jeongguk can feel his pulse race, his blood pumping rapidly throughout his body. He’s lingering behind, loathing to return inside, clenching and unclenching his tingling fists. His stomach crawls with what awaits him, a conversation he can no longer avoid. Jeongguk doesn’t think he wants to avoid it anymore, wants for this to be over with as a means to ease the sickening feeling. 

With heavy steps, he eventually knocks on their apartment door, regretting storming out the way he did and forgetting his keys. Jeongguk curses his misfortune but knows there’s no going back now, so he waits with his breath stuck in the back of his throat, hands almost trembling with anticipation. You can only imagine his relief when Namjoon is the one who opens the door, feeling comfortable for a mere two seconds by his brother's presence before remembering he’s also a part of Jeongguk’s current rage. 

He swallows it, attempting to push it down in favour of keeping his cool, not wanting to react as strongly as he did a few hours ago. Despite this, he still glowers at his brother, not giving him a chance to say anything as he pushes past. Stepping into the open living room, he finds both parents sitting worriedly on the sofa. His mother pushes herself from the sofa, standing abruptly upon his entry. For a second, Jeongguk fears she’s about to envelop him in a hug, but she cuts herself short, knowing the affection would be inappropriate at the moment and Jeongguk may not reciprocate it. 

But then she’s frowning, Jeongguk has to swallow once more, this time in anticipation for her potential anger. 

“Jeongguk…” 

_ Oh shit _ . 

He quickly glances at his father, detecting a hint of uncomfortableness behind his tired eyes along with relief. Jeongguk’s quite surprised his father is letting up on any emotion, so used to his bleak expressions. Said man soon follows their mother and stands from the sofa also, walking towards them until he stops besides his wife. They’re close yet they still keep their distance, not entering the proximity considered as endearing, not how married couples in love would act. Jeongguk wonders how he didn’t notice before, especially if it’s been this obvious this whole time, blatantly right in front of him. 

Or maybe Jeongguk has always subconsciously known but decided to disregard all knowledge, pretending their distance didn’t exist to save him from the heartache of seperate. So desperately wanting to believe this isn’t how married life would be like, hoping he wouldn’t share the same fate. Looking back, Jeongguk feels guilty. Maybe he shouldn’t have acted so oblivious, maybe their parents would have confessed sooner and been happy. 

“You can’t-“ she sighs, attempting to school her wavering voice. “You can’t just run off like that- _ god,  _ I was so-“ his mother’s sighs once more, stopping short of her sentence to take in deeper breaths before releasing. 

“I know and I’m sorry.” Jeongguk offers an apology because he is, he never meant for them to worry, but he won’t apologise for needing time to himself- well, time with Taehyung. Basically just a moment where he could clear his mind, walk back into his home accepting the inevitable despite not liking it.

“Son.” 

His father's voice unceremoniously breaks him from his thoughts, noticing how he stands tall, back to being a void. Jeongguk supposes that’s what to be expected when working within law, having to hide all emotions, not allowing it to become a weakness. “Let’s talk.”

Jeongguk’s subconsciously nodding, agreeing there’s no use in avoiding the much needed conversation any longer. He considers sitting down, realising this could be a long conversation. So he moves to the open kitchen, dragging a stool from the breakfast bar out and taking purchase there. Namjoon mirrors his actions, dragging his own stool out beside him. 

The room stills, everyone remaining silent as they glance around the room, avoiding eye contact. Jeongguk seems about the only one searching for their gaze, waiting for someone to speak first.

“Do you love her?” Jeongguk eventually addresses the elephant in the room, asking a question that’s been playing on his mind since he discovered their secret relationship.

Mr Jeon looks up, meeting his gaze guilty with a firm nod, without any hesitation. “I do.” There's sincerity within his voice, confirming this isn’t just an affair for his father. It isn’t enough to settle the hurt he feels, knowing this has been kept from him for so long, but it does give him some peace of mind. 

“We’re sorry we never told you sooner. It’s actually one of the reasons why we came back, we’re… getting a divorce.” His mother begins, still looking as elegant as ever, sitting up straight with her legs folded. Though, Jeongguk can clearly detect the tiredness behind her eyes. It is late, he feels guilty for keeping both parents up for so long. Jeongguk considers suggesting to wait, put a pin in the conversation tonight and leave it for a job tomorrow. But he knows he can’t wait, that- despite how tired he feels- he couldn’t sleep without addressing the situation now. 

The words sink in, reminding him how real this is. Surprisingly, it doesn’t scare him as much as the first time, he had already predicted they were getting a divorce. 

Jeongguk sighs, a small weight being lifted with the words up in the air. “Okay,” he breaths out, nodding his head in short motions. “But why now?”

“Me and Daeun are serious about each other,” Namjoon furrows his brows, listening intently as their father begins to speak. “We were speaking about marriage…” 

Jeongguk compels himself to keep his cool, not letting up on the anger that brews within. He doesn’t want to react in an abrupt way, not without causing more hurt to himself and his family, so he tries to remain calm, giving his father an opportunity to elaborate further. 

He can’t say the same for his brother.

“What?” Namjoon voices lowly. As far as Jeongguk is aware, Namjoon has known about their hidden relationship for a long time, yet the confusion is evident at his father's confession. “You’re okay with this?” His brother addresses their mother, whipping his head in her direction.

“Of course, I want your father to be happy.” She says honestly, receiving a small smile for her husband. 

“Have you already proposed?” Namjoon asks, eerily calm, a contrast to his hard expression. 

“No, I wanted to wait until I told the both of you, it didn’t feel right without telling my sons first.” Jeongguk refrains from scoffing, thinking it’s a little late for that but allows for him to continue. He understands and is- at the very least- glad their father told them first, you couldn’t imagine his rage if their father was to up and marry someone first, telling them the news after. In a way he’s happy for him, a part of him knows he’s being selfish for being this hurt when his father just wants to be happy. Jeongguk  _ is  _ happy for him, it just would’ve been easier to have been told when this first started, rather than being lied to.

“Look, I still care for your mother. We married at a young age and moved too quickly, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.” Their mother smiles sadly, nodding her head in agreement. “I’m not using that as an excuse, I should’ve told you, I know. You were too young back then, we didn’t think you'd understand. But months turned into years, I suppose I- we never had the gut to tell you. I’m sorry, kid.” 

“Jeongguk,” their mother begins, looking back at her youngest son. “We’re sorry we kept this from you. You father and I never intended to hurt you, but we now realise that hiding this from you did the very thing we wanted to protect you from, and for that we are sorry.” Jeongguk looks at them sadly, offering his sincerest smile. They can’t take back the years they’ve kept this vital knowledge from him, but it’s a start at the very least. His parents are trying, so he’ll return their efforts and try to understand. Jeongguk isn’t the cowering little child anymore, he’s grown, can sit here maturely and do his best to understand. 

“Son,” Their father addresses Namjoon, eyes swimming with guilt. “We’re sorry too.”  _ I’m sorry _ .

It’s curt and vague, it’s so like their father to apologise in this manner, but you can see the sincerity behind his eyes, hear it in his firm voice. He could be sorry for many things, apologising for not accepting his life choices, how he had been so stern for Namjoon to follow innhis footsteps and take up law. He could be sorry for the years of indifference, tip-toeing around each other until Namjoon had to resort to a place of his own. He could be sorry for not providing them with the much needed affection, disregarding their feelings as something of unimportance. 

It could be a variety of things he's apologising for, but Namjoon nods all the same, not entirely forgiving him but accepting the apology offered. 

Jeongguk exhales a deep, overdue sigh, old memories piecing themselves together, making sense of everything. He hasn’t entirely forgiven them, there’s still the deep feeling of embarrassment and betrayal settling in his mind, something that won’t leave for a long time. But it’s slightly eased, having finally addressed the turmoil within their family. 

The rest of the evening is spent covering all secrets kept from Jeongguk, no longer hiding their obvious feelings, well… lack of feelings. His parents still care for each other, having known each other at such a tender age, they are bound to still relate to one another. But they don’t love each other, not romantically, not  _ in _ love with each other. Their father was open with them, being honest and answering as many questions thrown towards him from his sons, even going as far as to show a photo of Daeun. She’s pretty, though Jeongguk would argue his mother is prettier. Jeongguk won't deny that it’s hard to picture his parents with other couples, that the thought leaves a slight uncomfortable feeling. However, he’s trying his best to be happy for them, accepting that they are happier apart. 

After their parents leave a couple of days later, Jeongguk and Namjoon finally manage to have a much needed conversation, asking questions that need answered. Namjoon played a part in the betrayal as well. 

The pair find themselves in the comfort of Namjoons room, their parents having not long left. The remaining days were spent catching up, even going as far as to visit their childhood home. It was surprisingly peaceful, having not ventured somewhere with the whole family in a long time, Jeongguk was happy. Though the elephant in the room still stood, a sense of tense awkwardness consistently lingered around them, sometimes becoming too thick to bear. 

“Uh, hyung,” Jeongguk’s soft voice can be heard over Namjoons music, the sound audible from this distance despite him wearing earphones. Luckily, Namjoon wasn’t too immersed in his laptop to miss Jeongguk’s faint knocks. “Can we talk?”

Namjoon offers a nod, prying his earpieces out as the youngest moves to sit at the edge of his brother's bed. Having had that talk with his parents, touching on a subject that’s been a problem within their family for too long, Jeongguk has come to realise a few things. One being how after everything was said, Jeongguk felt this relief wash over him. He wants to feel that relief again, knowing everything is out in the open which isn’t as scary as he initially thought. 

Despite Namjoon keeping something as big as his father's affair from him, Namjoon has proven to care for Jeongguk, remaining his protective elder brother. Said brother never had any ill intentions when keeping that secret, a secret which wasn’t his own and had become such a burden to him. It wasn’t something Namjoon wanted to find out, it just sort of happened. So Jeongguk knows that no matter what, Namjoon will remain his elder brother who cares and will continue to care, continue to protect and love him. 

It’s only fair he opens up as well.

“I like men.” 

Fear is knowing accepting yourself is accepting a fate of dismay and anxiety, of having to look over your shoulder and protecting yourself with each step in life. Fear is knowing there’s a possibility Jeongguk may not be accepted by his family, that they'll look at him differently. The fear remains, even now, even after saying the words that’s been eating away at him, obtaining every thought. Jeongguk is embracing the fear. His friends, his brother, Taehyung, they all make him feel strong enough to do so.

The other man is staring back at him, eyes unreadable but calculating, trying to comprehend the new revelation. 

“What?” 

“Taehyung, I like Taehyung. A man.” He adds. “I’ve been…” Jeongguk looks away from his brother, training his eyes on a loose thread instead. “I’ve liked him for a while now. I’ve always found him attractive, I just wasn’t sure, at first.”

“No, I know,” Namjoon sits up, discarding his laptop to the side in favour of providing his full attention to Jeongguk, said man swallowing. “I’m just confused, why are you telling me this?” 

His gut twists painfully at the rejection. He won’t deny that it hurts, his brother doesn’t understand the importance of this confession, that Jeongguk has been pondering over this for a while now, imagining this exact scenario amongst many others. He’d like to say he was prepared for his brother's dismissal, but he’s not. 

He blinks. 

Perhaps the most surprising part is taking in the shift in Namjoons features, his confused gaze transforming into a softer look, like he is adjusting accordingly to exactly what Jeongguk needs. “I’m not rejecting you,” his brother rushes out. “I’m confused because I don’t understand why you’re telling me now? I thought you knew I knew, I’m not blind to the looks you and Taehyung share, it’s so obvious. It’s why I was extra protective of you with Taehyung.” He grins, remembering how protective Namjoon was. “At first I wasn’t sure, but I can see he cares for you. It’s different to how he is with others.”

“I wasn’t that obvious.” Jeongguk half-heartedly defends, pouting, even though he’s fooling no one. Namjoon just grins at the younger’s pout, thinking it's cute. 

“You constantly seemed taken with him. Infatuated, I guess. You would always tense up when he came into a room. Taehyung wasn’t too dissimilar himself, though he was far more open about teasing you.” His brother scrunches his face then. 

“So, you’re okay with it?” He bites his lip, the nerve rushing back whilst waiting. 

But he’s instantly met with that soft face, his persona radiating warmth and calmth. 

“Of course I am, I think you’re forgetting two of my closest friends are currently neck deep in infatuation with one another, ‘s gross really.” He makes a face again, scrunching his nose. “But I’m happy for them.” 

The sigh that's released is long and deep, one he didn’t realise he needed. 

“Can I ask, why did you choose now to tell me?” Namjoon asks curiously. It’s a good question, one that Jeongguk doesn’t 100% know the answer to. He’s not entirely sure what compelled him to confess everything at this moment, he supposes the weight of keeping everything in became too unbearable.

“‘M not sure, think I wanted you to know I trust ya.” He finishes with a shrug.

For a long time, Jeongguk has had a hard time accepting this side of himself, hard because he'd struggled accepting a fatal aspect of his life, the concept of liking either a male or female he thought to have known a long time ago. Jeongguk initially thought it’d change him, but he now realises that he’s still himself, nothing has changed. 

“It’s also important to me that I told you, even if you already knew, your opinion matters to me-“

“It shouldn’t.” Namjoons states, firm.

“It does. It’s because I think highly of you.” His brother provides him with a soft look, his mouth open ready to protest but thinks better or himself, instead Namjoon offers a small smile. “Our parents weren’t honest about their feelings, I don’t want to do the same thing.”

Eventually he’ll tell his parents, but for now he’s content with just Namjoon knowing, that’s enough for now.

“Guk, I’m sorry.” Namjoon’s eyes droop downwards at the mention of their parents, regret clear from his soft expression. “I never intended to keep that from you, I just didn’t want you to find out the same way I did- to feel the way I did. I’m just- I’m really sorry.”

Jeongguk may not know the full story, all he knows is that it wasn’t deliberate how Namjoon discovered their affair and that he’s sincere with his apology. For whatever reason, Namjoon had good intentions, despite doing the wrong thing and going along with the lie. 

Maybe one day Jeongguk will ask for the story, but for right now he’s exhausted. 

”I know, hyung.” 

  
  
  


***

  
  


“C’mon Guk!”

Jimin shouts from below him, his voice almost falling on death ears if it wasn’t for the echo. It’s impossible to gauge the depth. The rocks below could be fifty feet down or a hundred, Jeongguk can’t tell. It doesn’t help that it’s currently midnight, the water appearing almost black as it collides gently against the bottom of the cliff. 

Before Jeongguk can retaliate, refusing to jump the long distance down to the sea… his death more like, Hoseok moves beside him, taking Jeongguk’s hesitance as a good opportunity to jump himself. Wearing nothing but his underwear. Hoseok makes a noise on the way down, his screams deafeningly loud until it’s followed by a splash. 

“Fuck no.” Jeongguk mumbles to himself, stepping away from the edge of the cliff. He’s turning his gaze away from the boys below, Hoseok screaming about how cold the water is, splashing his way to the edge with Jimin. 

“Don’t be a bitch, jump.” 

“Why don’t you?” Jeongguk defends, glaring playfully at Taehyung. Said man currently sits on one of the many boulders, a hoodie draped over his figure despite the muggy weather of the night. They’ve had a heatwave this week, meaning Jimin and Hoseok decided it’d be a good opportunity to go cliff diving, granted the cliffs aren’t as big as you’d assume. 

“I like my balls thanks.” Jeongguk huffs out a slow laugh, thinking Taehyung would have a different type of blue balls. 

Things are back to normal for Jeongguk, well, as normal as they can be. He still doesn’t know what himself and Taehyung are exactly, only that they have feelings, that much is clear. He trusts the elder, maybe he shouldn’t put so much trust in someone he hasn’t known for long, but he does. 

Jeongguk’s doing his best to understand Taehyung, to know everything there is to know. There’s still so much that’s been unsaid, he’s barely touched on Taehyung's childhood, on the trauma he’s experienced. Jeongguk wants to know every aspect of Taehyung, no matter what he’s experienced, Jeongguk’s ready to listen, to take on his fears with him. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“You just did.” Jeongguk clicks his tongue, nudging his shoulder when he’s close enough to sit beside him. There’s a beat of silence, one where Taehyung looks at him expectantly, waiting for Jeongguk to continue. 

“What was your mother like?” 

In this moment everything stills, the soft breeze, the sound of the tide colliding against the rocks. Taehyungs seems to stiffen too, though it’s only for a second before he’s looking at Jeongguk, his expression turned soft. “Beautiful, in both complexion and in her nature.” It’s a thought that’s been playing on his mind, wondering what Taehyung's mother used to be like, wondering if she ever draped him in affection like Jeongguk’s own. For the few conversations they’ve had previously, Jeongguk can tell Taehyung adores his mum, that he misses her dearly. 

“She was young when she had me, even younger when she had Juwon, just so naturally pretty. Our father…” Taehyung trails off, eyes diverting to the beer he cradles close to his chest. “He was young too.” Taehyung mumbles and takes a long swig of his drink, tilting his head back as he does. 

“He,” Taehyung seems to hesitate, words dying on his tongue. Jeongguk’s about to stop him, reassuring him that he doesn’t need to continue if he doesn't want to. Before he can, the other man swallows, opening his mouth. “He’s currently in prison, rotting I hope.” It's said as a joke, a side comment. Jeongguk provides him with a sad look all the same. “And Juwon… well, I haven’t heard from him for awhile now. He keeps calling but I’m- I’m always making excuses, ‘think he’s given up now though.” It’s said with a shrug, unaffected. Jeongguk’s known Taehyung long enough to recognise the facade.

“You should speak to him, it seems like he just wants to talk.” Taehyung offers him a sad smile, patting his thigh before digging in his hoodie for a cig. It’s crazy how, even in something as common as a hoodie, Taehyung looks this good.

Knowing it’s the end of the conversation, Jeongguk fishes for another topic, one that doesn’t lead him down the path of self reflection and icy realisations that there is so much for Jeongguk to unravel, learn from the other. Instead, he focuses on the stick between his lips, puffs of smoke trailing in the air as he exhales. It’s in moments like these Jeongguk realises just how enchanting the other is, bewitched by his good looks. He’s captivated by him smoking, finding himself in a trance once more. It’s scary how far Jeongguk’s attraction runs, how something as simple as smoking can affect him even now. 

Memories of their first kiss flash unbidden. Jeongguk swallows. 

“You really should give that up, ‘s nasty.” Jeongguk settles for, completely failing at pretending his obvious attraction doesn't exist. Even now, even after saying how gross smoking is, his hungry expression reveals it all. Taehyung lifts an eyebrow after his judgment, clearly seeing through Jeongguk’s half lie. 

“‘S that so?” He chuckles darkly, the mood taking a turn to how they were a few moments ago. 

“Would you like another one, baby?” He asks, eyes dark and filled with lust. Jeongguk instantly knows what he’s referring too, opening up a desireful memory, their first kiss. It sends chills through his body at the thought, the adrenaline fueled feeling when passing smoke between hungry lips comes rushing back. Taehyung puts the cig away regardless. 

“Oi, pussies!” 

The sound of Jimin's distant voice breaks their small trance. Jeongguk snaps his head at the two boys rushing towards them in nothing but their underwear and socks, soaked head to toe in water. A small chuckle slips involuntarily past his lips at the sight.

Jeongguk averts his gaze from Hoseok and Jimin when they begin to strip the remaining items of clothing, deciding to jump completely nude. 

“Don’t be babies, come join.” Hoseok calls after throwing his briefs amongst their pile of clothing. Taehyung gives him a look, grinning as he stands, placing his empty beer bottle to the side and discarding the bud of his cigarette. 

“What-“ Taehyung begins to move, reaching behind himself to tug at his hoodie, pulling it over his head. He goes for his jeans next, unbuckling his belt before tugging the garment down, a wolfish grin resting on his face as he looks at Jeongguk knowingly. The other two already left to jump once again, the sound of their screeching can be heard even from this height, a splash follows.

“Coming, baby?”

Jeongguk doesn’t say anything back, instead gaping at the other as he stands completely nude, wearing nothing but his cute white socks. Taehyung stalks towards him, Jeongguk watching his every move as he reaches out, grabbing the hem of his shirt. Jeongguk turns to putty in his hands, complying easily as he lifts his arms, letting Taehyung tug his thin top over his head. 

Jeongguk gazes at Taehyung’s bare chest, lifting a hand to graze his skin. His eyes drift to the inflamed flesh at his side, red and risen. Deciding to look up at Taehyung, meeting his gaze to silently ask for permission, Jeongguk brushes the skin with his knuckle gently. Taehyung shivers at the touch, his slow work at unzipping Jeongguk’s jeans coming to a stop. 

Taehyung leans forward, his mouth hovering over his, noses brushing. Jeongguk can feel his breath on him; warm as it hits his face. Just when he thinks Taehyung's about to kiss him, said man pulls away, his lips barley grazing his as he does, a devilish grin dancing in his lips. 

“C’mon.” The other says, walking towards the edge and leaving Jeongguk to pull the rest of his clothes off. Taehyung glances behind himself at the younger, smiling again before diving off the edge. Jeongguk watches him jump, looking over the edge in contemplation. When Taehyung resurfaces, he smiles and waves him down, calling his name along with Jimin and Hoseok. 

It’s ironic, Jeongguk thinks, almost amusing how he stands here at the edge, watching as Taehyung floats below him.  _ If someone asked you to jump, would you?  _

Jeongguks knows he would pretty much do whatever Taehyung asks of him, the thought should scare him.

Maybe he shouldn’t, maybe it’s a toxic thought to have, but it’s the truth. 

“ _ Guk, jump to me! _ ”

He does, smiling brightly as he dives off the edge, knowing the answer would always be yes. His arms break the water first, followed by his head and lastly his feet. When he resurfaces, he’s faced with Taehyung staring back at him, said man bobbing in the water, fighting the small current to break the short distance between themselves. Even if Hoseok and Jimin were with them, Jeongguk wouldn’t notice, his focus stuck on Taehyung. 

The other stalks towards him, his hand reaching out to caress his cheek. Jeongguk basks in the movement, feeling warmth despite how cold the water is. 

He leans in then, attaching his lips to hungry ones, the pair fighting for dominance with their mouths. Jeongguk snakes his arms around his neck, his hands lacing in Taehyung soaked hair. He thinks he could get used to this feeling, this soothing warmth that settles within him to stay. 

Warmth like a fire would bring you, would make you feel content as you bask beneath it. 

Yeah, Jeongguk could get used to this warmth.

This fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For starters, for the people that celebrate it, I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New Years. Let’s hope this one is much better.
> 
> Soooo, I’m gonna be real here. I didn’t like this chapter that much but I felt like it was kinda needed? I don’t know, what do you guys think?  
> I felt like I had to address a bit of Jeongguk’s background rather than just writing about Taehyung’s. You can see why Namjoon was cut off from his parents, the weight of withholding the truth was too much to for him. That, plus he was struggling with Chaewon at the time.
> 
> Taehyung seemed was rather blunt in this scene so I felt like I should address why. You see, he’s done his best to support and reassure Jeongguk, doing so in his own way. It’s difficult for him considering he’s been brought up without the love and support he needed, therefore he struggled to translate his emotions to Jeongguk, comforting him with small words and actions were his ways to show he cares. 
> 
> Chapter 10, I’m hoping, will be much better, the plot begins to reveal some shit so please look forward to it. :)
> 
> Tell me what you guys honestly think of this chapter, I promise I appreciate all types of feedback. I hope to see everyone again soon!
> 
> Kudos and comments keep an author alive~  
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)


	10. X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung can feel his heart wrenching in his chest, burdened by the beauty of the man in his hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!  
> Happy Valentine’s Day guys, here’s an early chapter. This one is a long one, oml, 16k words. We are progressing from the first chapters that’s for sure.  
> So like... I apologise for this one. I don’t because I love it, but it might be a little heavy for some people. Just remember the happy ending tag, that’s all I can suggest.  
> Anyway, thanks again for all the love and I hope you continue to enjoy this chapter!  
> See ya at end notes. x

_ It’s a week after the incident, a week after almost being beaten to death that Taehyung decides to go forth with his plan.  _

_ He remembered sneaking into his parents room, his father out cold on the bed after a long night of gambling and drinking, wasting any money he made on alcohol and betting further, hoping the odds are with him and inevitably getting himself into further debt. Taehyung had waited for this, waited for his father to return from gambling, waited for him to beat Taehyung out of frustration at losing, waited for him to eventually get bored and sleep.  _

_ But tonight wasn’t one of those nights, his father had left rather quickly after stepping into their home, swaying and humming in delighting with a rather obvious bulge in his pockets. He’d come into Taehyung's room rather than call Taehyung out. _

_ “Can du- daddy get a kiss g’night?” _

_ Taehyung doesn’t immediately respond, pretending he’s fast asleep and praying that tonight he’ll leave his body untouched, unbruised and beaten. _

_ Then there’s a forceful grip on Taehyung’s shoulder, bruising with his blunt nails digging into the skin. His father shakes him rather sloppily then prys him to turn over and face the man he despises. He can’t help the small whine that leaves his lips at the sight of his father. _

_ “Shh, dun’ wanna wake her up.” Taehyung nods slowly, tears already beginning to swell up in his eyes. He’s mothers asleep on the bed whilst Taehyung lays beside her, the position proving to be rather comfortable recently, though in this moment it doesn’t hold much light against this dark. He holds back his cries for now, not wanting his mother to wake and worry.  _

_ No, tonight he needs to play out differently.  _

_ “‘Should pun- punish you, ‘cos you didn’t congratulate your father. ‘S that wuh- what yo’ want? T’be punished?” _

_ Taehyung shakes his head very slowly, praying this is what his father wants to hear. A few tears fall from the force of his head shake but he ignores them for now. _

_ “Well I won’t t’night, not even my worthless son can ruin my mood. I’ll guh- give you one last try.”  _

_ Taehyung hesitates as he puts his weight on his arms, leaning forward to place his small lips on his fathers cheek. He does everything in his power to not shudder and draw back at the touch, something similar to sick rising in his throat from sheer disgust.  _

_ When he pulls back, there’s a gripping force on his cheeks, squeezing them together painfully, likely leaving finger marks. Taehyung recoils at the sudden aggressive look his father has, not understanding what he did wrong. The hand practically engulfs Taehyung’s face. _

_ “‘S fuckin’ pathetic, daddy missed you ‘n you can’t even speak?” His grip tightens, unable to fight the whine leaving his lips at the force. _

_ Then he’s suddenly realised, not before his head is slammed into the floorboard, his vision blurring and head thrumming from the brutal impact. “Such a waste.”  _

_ His father eventually leaves, Taehyung doesn't know what happened but he’s grateful he didn’t do anything further and left, his mother still asleep beside him. He exhales a shaky breath in relief.  _

_ Now he waits for his father to sleep, and when he hears the familiar sound of drunk snoring, Taehyung leaves his spot to enter his fathers room.  _

_ He tip-toes around the bed, crouched down to pull back a plank of wood. It’s just one of the many examples of how this home is a broken one. Taehyung once watched his father stash a load of his winnings here, it was after one of his brutal beatings, his father satisfied, leaving with a smirk as he pried the wood from the floor, throwing his money inside whilst assuming Taehyung had passed out.  _

_ So he snuck there now, prying the bit of wood from where it lays slowly, praying he doesn’t make a noise so the man doesn’t stir and discover what Taehyung is doing. _

_ Lo and behold, there’s an old metal box, rustic and chipped at the corners but containing crinkled rolls of cash. _

_ With steady fingers, Taehyung takes it without entirely knowing how much he needs, so he takes, what he considers, a decent amount. Taehyung makes quick work to stuff the notes in his pocket, shuffling the money and closing the lid. He’s hoping with every fibre of his being that nothing looks out of place as he gently puts the box and plank of wood back. _

_ With adrenaline pumping through his system, Taehyung’s scuttering back to his room, heart racing and blood pumping.  _

_ Taehyung sleeps well that night, dreaming of his mother’s smile, handing the new necklace over.  _

_ The plan is to buy a necklace similar to the one that was devistantenly broken, caught in the crossfire of their father’s rage. Taehyung can’t replace the necklace, his young mind supplies that much, but he’s going to do everything in his power to see his mother smile again. Smile like she does when Taehyung would point out the jewellery around her neck, so bright and pure.  _

_ It’ll be the next day that Taehyung sets out to buy the necklace for his broken hearted mum. _

_ It’ll be the next day that fifteen years old Taehyung will lose the only thing he holds dear.  _

  
  


_ * _

  
  


The man's bellowing laughter can be heard above everybody else’s, the grating sound irks Taehyung in ways he never imagined possible. Despite the man being a good few feet away, Taehyung can still distinctly make out the voice coming from Dongwoo, a sound he recognises in his earlier years of racing. He doesn’t know the context of their conversation, can only make out the laughter amongst friends, Dongwoo’s standing out the most. 

Taehyung lingers around Yoongi’s car, his daily cigarette between his fingers. He’s not the only one scowling at Dongwoo from afar, Yoongi and Namjoon share the same sentiment. 

“How old do ya think they are?” Namjoon asks, nodding his head in Dongwoo’s direction. The man everyone glares at is currently intruding on a group of girls, his friends close behind. Taehyung balls his face in disgust when Dongwoo snakes his arms around a couple of girls' shoulders, whispering filth in their ear. Taehyung can recognise how uncomfortable they are, can tell by the way they shift, feigning interest despite how stiff they are in his hold. 

“Gotta be young, no older than seventeen.” Yoongi guesses, face contorting into a grimace. Taehyung would’ve guessed younger, though he doubts any 16 year old would have the balls to show up at a place like this. 

“Wait, is that Hoseok?” Namjoon asks, the question resulting in both Taehyung and Yoongi snapping their heads in the direction of where Namjoon points. There, in the distance, Hoseok walks in fury, taking large strides as he moves in Dongwoo’s direction. Behind him follows Seokjin, looking frantic as he catches up to the red haired man, seemingly stressed as he talks to him in a hurry. Taehyung doesn’t even remember moving, his feet carrying him subconsciously once noticing both Jimin and Jeongguk in the far distance. 

“Guk? What the fuck-”

The three of them break off into a light sprint, everything happening so fast. 

The thing is, Hoseok’s often very underestimated by others. Some wouldn’t think that someone as bright as he can harbor such violence and strength, but Taehyung knows better. The nicer the person, the bigger the rage. So when he’s mad, you can bet the whole world would know about it. Taehyung would go as far as to say Hoseok is probably the scariest hyung out of them all, Jimin following a close second. 

So for Hoseok to purposely go up to Dongwoo, rage evident from his expression - can tell merely by how he stalks towards the other - seeking a reaction out of Dongwoo when he’s close enough, must mean he’s  _ mad _ . 

It’s when Hoseok goes to shove him that everyone sprints. That includes both Jimin and Jeongguk who were walking in careful steps behind Seokjin, obviously not blind to Hoseok's fury. 

Causing a scene wouldn’t be good for them, especially Hoseok considering his line of work, a good majority of his customers are likely a mere few feet away, watching the scene unfold wouldn't be good for his business. 

“You’ve crossed a fuckin’ line, Dongwoo.” Hoseok spits, luckily held back by Seokjin before he can make any further advance towards Dongwoo. 

“What’s going on?” Namjoon asks once they’re close enough, looking at the scene in front of him before turning to Jeongguk, lifting an eyebrow questionably.

Jeongugk appears coy when he goes to speak, opening his mouth ready to answer before Jimin interrupts him. “His car is missing, y’know, the new one.”

That’s the thing this, as you can imagine, people don't just bring in regular stock cars to these things. People work hard to build cars that not only look presentable but have amazing parts inside as well. People often come to Hoseok for that, requesting a certain type of car to fit their racing needs and Hoseok would fix one up for them, the latter is good at his job. He puts a lot of his time into his cars, treating them as if each one is alive and with such carefulness. You can only imagine his rage if one was stolen from him.

This type of thing happens a lot, due to the cars being so unique, racers vehicles are high-value targets for thieves. Often using the cars for parts, using them for their own cars or selling them off to make a sum of cash. It’s only happened to Hoseok once where someone stole from him, it was after a race, one that Hoseok had won. Once the culprit was found, well, it didn't end well for them.

“And you’re accusing me? That's a bold accusation.” Dongwoo says after facing away from the group, the girls stuck to his vice grip now scurrying off after his release, moving back to their group but keeping close to watch the exchange in conversation.

“I’m not accusing anyone, I’m stating a fact.” Dongwoo’s frowning now, his earlier asumment gone.

“Oh yeah? Where’s your proof?” Dongwoo defends, his arms folding over one another, straightening his posture to make himself appear taller than usual. Though, he sounds like a child to Taehyung.

“Proof? How ‘bout the fact that one of your… ‘friends’ came to me after you ordered them to steal it. People talk, Dongwoo, you should know this by now.” Dongwoo glances behind him, providing his friends with a stern look, a warning of sorts.

“I’m perfectly capable of building my own vehicles, why would I need any of your junk?” Dongwoo voices after turning his head back in their direction. Taehyung migrates towards Jimin and Jeongguk, the two watching the scene intensely. Jimin’s scowling deeply, likely having already heard the news.

“I don’t know, Dongwoo. I’ve been asking the same question. Unless, you know my cars would easily out race yours. Threatened, perhaps?” 

“Wanna put your money where your mouth is, seok?” Dongwoo asks with a smirk, inching closer towards Hoseok. The latter doesn't back down from a fight, so Taehyung's not surprised that their heads almost collide as they stare at one another, scowling. 

“It’s so like you to get others to do your dirty work. Don’t wanna get your hands dirty, ain’t that right, Dongwoo?” Taehyung comments, smirking knowingly at the other. Dongwoo snaps his head in Taehyung’s direction, looking almost pissed for less than a second before he's taking in Jeongguk’s figure standing beside him, looking him up and down and sneering.

Hojin stands close behind him, sharing the same expression as he glances at Jimin and Jeongguk knowingly. Hojin, the same guy from the club, though he looks different, his face no longer blooded from where Taehyung punched him. It’s an intriguing thought, Taehyung mentally gleams at the memory. 

“I see you keep that kid around, Kim. Didn’t take you as a fag,” Dongwoo turns to Jeongguk, his devlish smirk growing in size. “Tell me, is his cock that good?”

Taehyung doesn’t acknowledge Hojin snickering, his vision clouded red. Taehyung’s eyes flash with hot rage, completely consuming him as he storms forward towards

Dongwoo. Before he can move, however, Jeongguk’s already holding him back, a vice grip on his forearm. The youngest looks around them, Taehyung follows his gaze and takes in the crowd that swarms them. Despite Jeongguk being new to this, he isn’t naive enough to know this isn’t a place for a fight, that things could end badly if he allowed Taehyung to continue. A war would break loose. 

“Watch your fucking mouth.” Taehyung growls instead, wanting so desperately to punch the kid. His desire grows when Dongwoo smiles in triumph, scoffing once before turning back to Hoseok, raising an eyebrow in question. 

“So-“

“Fine.” Hoseok interrupts. “Yours against mine.” 

“Winner takes all.” Dongwoo gestures towards his car, suggesting the winner will own both cars as the outcome. Taehyung thinks it’s a crappy gain, not worth the race. Not many people race for other’s cars, nowadays, people race for the sole purpose of adrenaline, becoming one with the car. It’s either that or for money. It’s this that compels him to say his next words. 

“Shit deal.”

“Why would we want your scrap of a car?” Hoseok adds with his arms crossed, his thoughts parallel to Taehyung’s. They both see how this wouldn’t profit them, Dongwoo creates some decent cars, manufacturing them so they are suitable for the streets. But it’s nothing Hoseok hasn’t done, the race isn’t worth a few parts from a car. 

Dongwoo scoffs, offended. He opens his mouth ready to speak, but it’s then that Taehyung thinks of it.

“Loser leaves, not to return here.” 

Taehyung suggests, raising an eyebrow in challenge. He knows it’s inevitable that himself and Dongwoo will cross paths again, that the other would continue to race even if that means he has to do so elsewhere. But this is Taehyung's home, where himself and his friends met. A good majority of the time, Taehyung only comes here to watch, to socialise with the other racers since they can all relate, all in it for the same gain; to feel  _ something _ . 

To feel the rush, the adrenaline. 

This place would feel more like home if people like Dongwoo weren't in it. Thinking they can strut around like they own the place, it irks Taehyungs in ways you couldn’t imagine. 

It’s a bold bet, one that’s balanced equally, an unpredicted outcome. Taehyung isn’t blinded by hate enough to not admit Dongwoo has talent, Dongwoo knows how a car works, having also grown up around these streets, never failing to out race people who challenge him. 

Dongwoo seems to contemplate Taehyung’s words, considering his options as he glances back towards his friends, silently asking for their opinion. There’s fear there, Taehyung can recognise it in their eyes, their expression concerned, not wanting to go through the hassle of finding a new location to race and hang out.

If there’s something Taehyung’s learnt from his time with Dongwoo, it’s that the latter never backs down from a fight, wanting to prove his worth and the words he preaches. Someone who is undefeated. 

“Fine, you have my word.” Dongwoo says, his friends look as if they want to protest, opening their mouths but shutting them instantly when Dongwoo gives them a pointed look, raising an eyebrow. 

“Are you fucking stupid?!” Yoongi yells, raising his now healed arm, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. Taehyung doesn’t acknowledge his hyung, mind running a mile a minute by his bold statement, scenarios playing in his head, taking in everything that could happen.

“Taehyung, you should be the one to race.” Hoseok says after Dongwoo turns, leaving to get his shit ready.

“Why me?” He asks, despite already knowing it's only fair, he’s the one who made the proposition. 

“You’d the best out of us all,” Hoseok asserts. 

Seokjin nods once, agreeing. “Plus you know how he works.” It’s true, Taehyung does know what Dongwoo is like, how he races.

It’s dirty, Dongwoo races with one thing in mind; winning. He doesn’t race for the sheer thrill of it, his goal is to always win, he’d go to any extreme to ensure that happens. 

“I don’t even have a car that’ll-“

“Take mine,” Yoongi’s already chucking over his keys, Taehyung skillfully catching them. “I shouldn’t be racin’ anyway.” Yoongi sends Jimin a guilty look, the latter scoffing and mumbling something under his breath about being right. 

It’s a Nissan S14, modified by Hoseok himself to fit their requirements, functioning for the sole purpose of racing. It’s a car made for drifting, it’s perfect for what they’re about to do.

Unlike a race track, the street you are not cornering at ten-tenths or struggling to retain traction at high-speed turns. You are not going down an empty piece of tarmac at wide open throttle. Instead, the main winning or losing aspect to street racing is lane-changes, passing and making lights, getting stuck at fewer red lights. Most importantly, not getting caught or injured. 

It’s why Yoongi’s car fits their needs perfectly, a luxury car wouldn’t be suitable for this type of race, needing a different type of car, Yoongi’s. 

It may just work.

“Shit, yeah okay.” Taehyung agrees. It’s then that he glances at Jeongguk, looking at him for the first time properly since arriving. He offers a small smile, thinking the younger looks good today. He’s dressed in nothing special, just some grey sweats and an oversized, boxy tee, yet Taehyung wonders how someone can so effortlessly pull it off, looking too good to be human. 

Jeongguk stares back at him, providing him with a small reassuring smile and  _ fuck. _

_ Okay. _

_ Yeah. _

_ I needed that.  _

Jeongguk makes him feel like he could do anything, be anything with that smile. It’s dramatic and a little cliche, Taehyung knows. 

He still questions how it got to this point, how his views on love was nothing but negative, a weakness. It baffles Taehyung to think how quickly his morals changed, how all Jeongguk had to do was look like that act the way he does. Something awoke inside of him, something he thought he’d never feel again, something he reserved for someone a long time ago but was locked away as soon as it was taken away from him. A mere, weak kid who loved his mother. 

“You sure you can do this, kid?” Namjoon asks him, both him and Hoseok sharing a serious look when regarding Taehyung. He realises it isn’t with doubt that Namjoon asks him the question, it’s with trust, believing he’s the best person for the job. When Taehyung first lived with Yoongi, he grew up with racing, he’d seen groups of college kids obsessed with wrenching on their project cars. It surrounded him.

They weren’t interested in bar hopping or clubbing or what everyone else their age was doing - though Taehyung used to enjoy bar hopping when he was feeling extra low, something he hasn’t felt for a while. They were interested in cars, deserted streets and going fast, the adrenaline. There were people who just surrounded themselves with cars for the weekend instead of going out to drink, who just wanted to hang out with people who share their same interest, passion. 

So he knows this street, knows how this works. Overtime, Taehyung developed the skill to not care, to not worry, to go into his races with a light head. Worrying only serves to make you panic, lose concentration and inevitably the race. Instead, he allows himself to get lost in the adrenaline, the feeling of losing your body to the speed and car. It’s what fuels his motivation, to channel all his pent up hurt and pain behind the wheel, using racing as an opportunity to lose himself. 

He looks at everyone looking at him, all awaiting an answer. Truth be told, Taehyung feels confident, he knows Dongwoo. He knows that, despite this also being where he grew up, knowing these streets, Taehyung could outsmart him, that he's the best option. 

“‘M sure.”

“Don’t fuck this up for me.”

_ Well shit. _

  
  


***

  
  


“Dick’s got no respect for quality. Jus’ goes for the premium looking shit that gets wrecked after a single crash.” Hoseok mutters once glancing at Dongwoo’s car. Despite the latter fixing up cars himself, owning a garage of his own, Dongwoo still opts for the luxury looking cars. 

Taehyung grunts in agreement, wiping the building sweat off his forehead. They’ve all gathered around Yoongi’s car, a last minute fix up before it’s used. The race is to happen on the edge of the streets, as per Dongwoo’s request, a cliff Taehyung familiarised himself with years ago. It’s the place Dongwoo challenges most of his contestants, knowing these hills as if it was the back of his hand. He probably likes the location for it’s known danger, to fall would be a travesty to say the least. 

Across the area Taehyung can still hear the monotonous drone of the audience making their way towards the top of the hill, where the race starts. A good portion of the audience remains at the bottom, waiting at the end of the street where the finish line lies. Bets need to be made, alcohol needs to be served, mostly, everyone is here purely out of curiosity.

In the corner of his eye, Taehyung can see Seokjin moving towards the audience. He spears a glance over to see the elder juggling a series of bets as he tries to place any last minute bets before the race begins. 

Seokjin isn’t in it for the race per se, he’s more one to watch, having never experienced entering a race of his own. He’s rather the mastermind behind setting up races and ensuring that the bets look good enough to make people not believe that they are in any way fixed from the start.

It’s how they make their money, though they mostly race for the thrill of it, money is always a good bonus. They work well as a team, Taehyung isn’t afraid to admit.

There’s a look of determination and concentration on Seokjin’s face as he accepts cash and scrawled odds and numbers out on scrips that are then shoved into hands, not at all fazed by the pressure that’s potentially on him to not fuck this all up and give out the wrong information. Seokjin does his job well, enjoys it even. He’s got the perfect face for it, an inviting prenses that lures everyone in. He does it with such elegance, knowing exactly what to say and at what time to say it. 

“Tae,” said man snaps his head to his right, noticing Jeongguk staring at him, his lip trapped between his teeth. “You sure you’re okay with this?” Taehyung stands from his crouched position, having just finished securing a new tire. He confirms he’s fine with a reassuring smile. “Y’know you don’t have to race, right?” 

“I know,” Taehyung stalks towards him, pulling his bandanna free and wiping the grease off his hands. Jeongguk sighs nodding his head.

“Just don't be stupid and get injured, cool?” 

“Awe, does Guk care about me that much?” Taehyung teases, earning a scoff from the younger. 

“You wish, just scared you’d look like shit, won’t be attracted to you anymore.” Taehyung gleams, smiling brightly.

Still, he feigns offence, dramatically scoffing as he shoves the dirtied bandanna in his back pocket. “I will never not be attractive.”

Jeongguk scoffs, muttering a complaint under his breath but with no real heat. For a short moment they stay there, looking at each other intently. It’s only been a few hours since Taehyung last saw him, having had Jeongguk spend the night. Admittedly, Taehyung sleeping has improved, something he’s only just now thought of. Being with Jeongguk makes him forget, his worries dulled in his mind for a while. They’ve tried a few different options, Taehyung remembers the younger coming round one night, a list of options that will potentially help him sleep better. Truth be told, Taehyung never bothered to try any of the recommended suggestions at a better nights sleep, to look for solutions would be admitting he has serious issues, it’s something he didn’t want to do. But the look of hope and excitement on Jeongguk’s face is all the motivation he needed to try anything the younger suggested, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. If Taehyung's honest, some of these options have proved to aid him in his insomnia, music being a good example. It’s simple yet it works, proving to be useful as background noise, something Taehyung realised he needs. 

After discovering this revaluation, Jeongguk was quick to make up a playlist, one that has a whole range of music genres. Taehyung found the whole thing endearing. 

“You seem stressed.” Jeongguk’s the one to break the moment, the tense air fading, replaced by the situation at hand. 

“Pass me a smoke, then.” 

He rolls his eyes. “‘S not what I meant.” 

“What? Wanna suck my dick then? Fuck it, I’ll take it.” 

“Taehyung!”

“What? I thought you wanted to help me de-stress.” Taehyung defends playfully, smiling widely as the other blushes furiously. Taehyung decides to stop torturing the younger further.

“I’m fine.” He musters his best reassuring expression, hoping Jeongguk will understand. Jeongguk must since he nods once, not pressing further. 

“You ready, kid?” Yoongi asks, having also dirtied his white garment. He was wiping the front windshield down with a cloth, removing any of the annoying white dust that clung to the air and leaving the chrome and glass gleaming in the floodlights. Taehyung hums in confirmation, his gaze lingering on Jeongguk for a little while longer before turning. 

“A kiss good luck?” He asks over his shoulder, smiling when Jeongguk chuckles and shakes his head.

“Just go, loser.” Taehyung mirrors his expression and chuckles also, finally turning on his heel and walking to his parked car where Namjoon awaits. Said man regards him with a disgusted look, face crunched. 

“I did not need to hear that.” That only makes Taehyung chuckle harder, grateful Jeongguk wasn’t here to witness his brother watching them. He can only imagine how hard Jeongguk would blush. 

Taehyung climbs inside the car smiling, slamming the door shut behind him before snapping his seatbelt in place. He is soon starting the engine and slowly driving further up the track. He catches sight of the car rolling up beside him, a familiar flash of Dongwoo’s smirking face. After lining the cars up perfectly, Taehyung spares another glance out of the window to his left to look over the crowd, noticing that most of them are standing close. 

However, past the crowd, Taehyung notices Jeongguk in the distance, his tired gaze now replaced with wide eyes, watching the whole scene in interest. 

Someone from the crowd steps out, a nameless face Taehyung doesn’t take notice of, his gaze fixed in front of him as his hands grip the wheel, his blunt nails scraping the leather. The countdown seems like it lasts a lifetime, exaggerated to build suspense for the audience. Taehyung can feel the adrenaline pumping through his system, his whole body tingling with the rush. 

No matter how many times he does this, Taehyung never gets bored of it: the screeching tires, the stench of burning rubber and exhaust fumes, the screaming crowds and the engines that sound like beasts released from their cage.

It’s all so addictive, the rush. It’s the only time Taehyung actually feels something- well, it  _ was _ the only time he felt something.

Eventually, Taehyung rips his focus back to the women at the front, said women moves her hands in a gesture to signal the start of the race. 

Go. 

Taehyung really does drive like death is on his heel, not stopping for nothing. He drives without needing to show off, without needing to make a scene. Dongwoo however, is quite the opposite. He’s arrogant in the way he edges closer, his car in front of Taehyung’s by a mere fraction. 

He spares a glance at the other, a cocky smile evident on his hard features. Dongwoo mutters something but his words are incoherent, falling upon death ears since the sound of their engines cover it. Though, Taehyung can tell by the other's tone that it’s supposed to provoke him. His thoughts are confirmed when he’s been flipped the finger, Taehyung laughs.

The thing about this particular hill, the sole reason why Dongwoo would choose this as their tracks, is because of it’s known bends. That coupled with its depth, the pair barely needing to put much strength on the accelerator since the car moves on its own. All of this combined makes for a very dangerous race. 

So when Taehyung makes a hard turn, drastically dropping speed as he hits the clutch, jerking the wheel with his white-knuckled grip, he isn’t surprised when he comes close to the edge. He isn’t even surprised when Dongwoo comes up beside him, purposely teetering closer to his car, pushing him even further to the edge. 

Dongwoo isn’t a killer, but he’s not one to dish out empty threats either. So if he says he races dirty, it means he races  _ dirty _ . 

“Fuck.” Taehyung curses under his breath, concentrating on controlling his car, all his focus on not swerving over the edge. Orange sparks fly between their cars, the sound overtaking the screeching of their tires as Taehyung loses control, completely throwing him off kilter. Rounding the corner, Taehyung takes notices of some of the crowd, people who decided to watch from further down. 

They all gasp in union, stepping back in a hurry so Taehyung's car doesn’t collide with them. 

Dongwoo takes this opportunity and eventually stops his consistent collusion in favour of edging forward, racing down the hill with a cheer. Taehyung curses once more before gaining control of his car, twisting his steering wheel, his seatbelt catching him hard around the chest as he drifts around another bend. 

With his concentration back, Taehyung manages to edge closer to Dongwoo, speeding up beside him. They’re now neck in neck, both cars equally in line. 

He can see the bottom of the hill, the agreed finish line now in view along with the overflowing audience, all watching in anticipation. Taehyung chances a glance at his side, Dongwoo’s face scrunched, tension evident in the way he sweats, veins popping on his forehead. His earlier cockyness is now gone, his smirk turned into a hard snarl.

The two battle down the hill, both cars being pushed to their limits as they drift down each turn. Dirt flies from the wheel after a particular sharp bend, dust obstructing Taehyung's view. The pair fight for the lead, each car teetering closer to beating the other until a bend sets them back. They’re equally balanced, that is until Dongwoo gets cocky once more, racing dirty as he attempts to push Taehyung off track, his car now half on the track and half on the hill. 

Taehyung skillfully breaks, causing Dongwoo’s own car to crash up the hill, slowing him down and allowing Taehyung the chance to zoom past. 

This is the moment Taehyung lives for, something that lasts mere minutes before it’s over. It’s the pounding of his heart against his chest, feeling like it’s fighting its way out as his chest tightens. It’s when he comes to a stop, the adrenaline not quite leaving him just yet, his body still somewhere at the top of the hill, slowly coming back to him. It’s the crowd all gasping and shouting his name, cheering as he makes his way out of the car, Jeongguk and the others coming into view. They must’ve driven down before the race started.

People begin running in Taehyung's direction, crowding around him and cheering his name. But he takes no notice of them, eyes zeroing in on his friends, Jeongguk. All of them smiling in glee as they saunter towards him. He can’t help the smile that breaks out on his lips.

“Oi, Kim!” Taehyung whips his head around in time to make out Dongwoo emerging from his car, striding towards him in fast steps. He stumbles after a hard shove, losing balance for a second from the unexpectedness and knocking him off kilter. 

After he straightens himself up, Taehyung tilts his head back, releasing a satanic laugh. “A bet is a bet, Dongwoo.” He states, uncaring of showing his humour at the others aggressiveness. There’s a prideful glint in Taehyung’s eyes at knowing Dongwoo can’t show up in this group, not whilst himself and his friends are around. 

The other goes to lunge towards him, fists raised in an attempt to strike Taehyung. But before he can, Dongwoo’s friends stop him, holding him back by his waist or his elevated arm. Hoseok’s scoff is audible in the silenced crowd, all listening intently to the pass between words from the two rivals. 

“C’mon now, don’t be a sore loser.” Dongwoo fights harder against his friend's grip after hearing Hoseok's provoking words, though never breaking free. Hoseok grins in triumph, purposely attempting to get a reaction from the other. 

“Dongwoo,” Namjoon begins from beside him, his voice scarily serious and firm. “Don’t back down from your word.” 

One of his friends whispers in Dongwoo's ear, the words barely audible, Taehyung can vaguely make out one of them whispering about ‘ _ not making a scene _ .’ Dongwoo shoves his friends off, running his dirtied fingers through his windswept hair in an attempt to compose himself. 

Before Taehyung knows it, he’s violently pulled by his boxed tee, the material bunched in the other man's hand. He doesn’t panic though, keeping a calm composure since Taehyung knows his friends have his back.

“I’m fine.” Taehyung declares with a glance at his friends, the look holding all the warning it needs for his friends to back off, not to intervene. Taehyung, curious about Dongwoo’s next move, knows that the other is outnumbered if he were to strike him. Though Taehyung knows he could take him in a fight regardless.

Dongwoo must realise his defeat since he backs off, seemingly reluctant as he lets go. 

“This isn’t over.” Dongwoo whispers to Taehyung first, his voice quiet enough it almost goes unheard, though it’s said so only Taehyung would hear. Once again, Dongwoo isn’t the type to dish out empty threats, Taehyung knows he’ll remain true to his word, knows that Dongwoo is unlikely to let this humiliation go. Though he’s no longer allowed back here, will have to find a new group to race with, Taehyung knows this isn’t the last he’ll be seeing the other. Despite this, Taehyung smiles all the same, a look that holds all the taunting it needs, showing Dongwoo that he’s lost for now. 

Dongwoo’s expression soon changes into the likeness of a hideous mask, whilst he lightly chuckles behind it with downright bitterness. Dongwoo looks around him once, meeting eyes with Jeongguk and smirking before glancing back at Taehyung. Said man’s blood boils, aggravated slightly by the others blatant look before he walks off, his friends following close behind. 

“Fucking finally.” Yoongi mutters after Dongwoo is far enough, his eyes trained on the figures walking back to their cars. Hoseok grunts in agreement, all watching them as they zoom past. The dirt from the ground surrounds them as they sharply turn in their direction, the action taunting. Taehyung merely scoffs before turning to Jeongguk, his eyes still wide from earlier, mostly in disbelief of everything that happened. 

It’s then that he strides over, taking big steps in Jeongguk’s direction before cupping his jaw and stealing a passionate kiss. Jeongguk makes a noise at the sudden action, the kiss knocking him off kilter. It’s a quick kiss, nothing more than a hard press of lips before it’s gone, Taehyung stepping back with a grin. 

“When the fuck did this happen?” Jimin asks, confusion etched on his pretty features. 

“Joon, you gonna let Taehyung just swap spit with your brother like that?” Hoseok asks, looking at Namjoon with amusement. 

“Keep it in your pants would ya.” Namjoon grunts the words out, making a face at Taehyung. The latter only grins wider. 

Yoongi makes a gagging noise from where he stands beside Jimin, a signature smoke between his fingers. Taehyung can’t help but look at the object in longing. “Fuckin’ gross.” Yoongi mumbles under his breath, though his words don’t go unheard by anyone since Hoseok makes a grunt in agreement. Taehyung doesn’t miss his friend's icy gaze, a look he knows is reserved for him, having lived with the elder for years. He knows Yoongi has something on his mind, is bound to bring up a conversation Taehyung won’t be keen on. 

“Eat shit, you’re one to talk.” Taehyung settles on teasing him instead. Jimin giggles pleasantly, trying to hide his amusement behind his hand when Yoongi directs his icy gaze at him. Though, Taehyung can see how endeared Yoongi is for his boyfriend. 

Taehyung notices Jeongguk biting his lip in the corner of his eye, looking nervous but there’s a small smile there. The younger must feel a somewhat sense of relief at knowing his friends won’t judge him, would only tease and make jokes. 

  
  


***

  
  


“Tell me about one of your nightmares.” 

Taehyung continues to stare endlessly at his ceiling, tracing all the discolouration and marks from the previous owners of this house with his eyes, some likely made by him. He lies naked in his sheets, Jeongguk at his side, his eyes heavy with sleep threatening to invade his consciousness. Taehyung has been tracing lazy circles on the younger’s skin for the past hour, a motion he’s learnt that helps him sleep, though tonight he fears he won’t be successful in getting much rest. His mind runs with thoughts, the events of a few hours ago still fresh in his head, Dongwoo's determined face and threat still clear in his mind. 

Jeongguk’s question slightly shocks him, not expecting him to be awake considering how late it is. 

“Hmm,” Taehyung thinks for a moment, wondering how best to explain the common cause of his insomnia, the nightmares that keep him awake. “They’re memories, often about my past.” He voices, stopping his ministration in order to shuffle so he’s facing the younger. 

For a moment he stares at Jeongguk, taking note of his wide, curious eyes. He wonders how one gaze can hold so much meaning, how one person can hold so much of Taehyung in the palm of their hands. It’s scary to think how much he trusts Jeongguk, how he’s willing to tell him everything- do anything for the younger just as a means to keep him close. 

“They change each night, sometimes they can be about my brother or Yoongi. Sometimes I dream of my mother, but…” Taehyung inhales a small breath. “But they always feature my father, either taking the form of a monster or purely a bad memory.” Taehyung can see Jeongguk listening intently, his dreary expression morphed into pure concentration. 

“He’d beat me, say it’s discipline for being a worthless piece of shit.” Taehyung says nonchalantly, adding a light chuckle at the end, feigning being unfazed. Though, Jeongguk can see right through his tough exterior, something he learnt to build up but finds has been easily knocked down by one person.

“Tae…” 

“It’s fine.” Another lie. Taehyung wonders when he’ll stop lying to the younger, when Jeongguk will grow tired of him. Or worse, see straight through him, see Taehyung for the monster he is. He refrains from telling Jeongguk he’s often the monster in his nightmares. 

Still, for now he musters his best reassuring smile. Jeongguk seems to hesitate but drops it either way. 

“You should try and sleep, ‘s late.” Jeongguk says between a small yawn, snuggling up closer against Taehyung's body warmth. 

“Can’t,” Taehyung turns, eyes finding his ceiling once again. His left hand resting under his head whilst his right caresses Jeongguk’s back. “Mind’s runnin’ tonight.”

“Is it your past?” 

“Always. But it’s also Dongwoo.” Now, that isn’t a lie, Taehyung is slightly thinking of Dongwoo’s earlier determination to not make that the last time they’d see each other. However, his past has clouded his mind once more, taking over his thoughts and inevitably stopping him from sleeping. Dongwoo does play on his mind, but it’s never enough to keep him awake, that award goes to his nightmares, his father figure lurking in the shadows and watching him as he tries to sleep 

Jeongguk sits up, resting his weight on his elbow so he’s above Taehyung, leaning over to face him. Taehyung misses the warmth. Jeongguk frowns, confused. 

“Dongwoo?”

Taehyung hums, tilting his head. “Even though we won, that he has to leave, I just know this isn’t over.”

“What d’ya mean?” Jeongguk asks whilst tilting his head slightly to the side, Taehyung can’t help but find the action cute but he decides to keep that to himself. 

“I don’t think he’s gonna let this go, that wasn’t the last I’d see of him.” When Jeongguk's confused gaze depends, Taehyung continues. “He was pretty butt hurt, this sort’a thing would hurt his pride deeply. So, he ain’t gonna let this go.” 

“I thought you said he was harmless?” Jeongguk questions when he’s processed it all. 

“He is. But he also doesn’t dish out empty threats, he won’t get his hands dirty but why would he need to when others could do it for him.” 

“You speak as if you’d know this personality.” Jeongguk states suspiciously and Taehyung cringes at his obviousness. 

“I suppose you could say I was someone who got my hands dirty.” 

A beat of silence. Taehyung refuses to look at the younger in fear he’ll find disgust there. He wonders if he’s finally done it, finally pushed Jeongguk to the edge of realisation, realisation of who Taehyung truly is. 

“I never killed for Dongwoo, it wasn’t like that.” 

After Jeongguk sighs, scoffing. Taehyung chances a moment to look down, finding no disgust or distraught expression in sight. “I know.” 

Taehyung finds himself once again curious of what he’s done for the other to put so much trust in him. 

“So you’d what, hurt people for Dongwoo so he didn’t have to?” 

“Essentially, though it’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s the innocent fights, nothing where I could’ve gotten myself killed.” Taehyung refrains from saying that was only for a short period, a mere few months of his life he did that before realising Dongwoo was nothing but a child. He only did it for the coke, not the cut shit he has to buy now. 

Truth is, it isn’t as bad as it sounds. Taehyung would merely just look the part, act threatening and only intervene when needed. 

“But that was ages ago.” Jeongguk hums, eyes falling closed for a moment before reopening them. 

“‘S fine now, he’s gone, dun’ have to worry anymore.” Jeongguk mumbles drearily, his eyes constantly flickering closed, battling with his consciousness. 

“Sleep.” Taehyung whispers, trailing his fingers further up to tangle in Jeongguk’s hair. 

“‘M fine, you’re still awake.” Jeongguk barley vocalises, his voice croaky with sleep. Taehyung silently chuckles at his blatant lie, especially when Jeongguk’s breathing evens out, sleep finally taking over. Taehyung lies there for a while longer, his mind racing once again with overwhelming thoughts.

You see, the thing about his high is, it’s great until it’s over, the adrenaline seeping from his body and leaving him with the reality of everything. But it’s still worth it, even for a moment Taehyung’s able to forget for a while, be in control for once. 

True to his word, Taehyung doesn’t end up sleeping, he lies awake for another hour whilst Jeongguk sleeps beside him before deciding to get up. He twists his head around, taking in Jeongguk’s sleeping state. His face is serene as he sleeps even if there’s the lightest of frowns marring his features, a small line between his brows. Taehyung feels his breathing increase, heart heavy with so much feeling for the younger. He wonders how something as simple as sleeping can be so endearing, can make butterflies settle deep within his stomach when looking at Jeongguk. He’s curled up against Taehyung’s side, an arm thrown over his stomach, his nose faintly touching his neck. Taehyung can feel the others breath grazing his skin, he’s breathing slowly and so quietly. 

Taehyung gets up then, doesn’t want to wake the younger as he slowly prys the others arm from his chest. Once he does escape, he carefully moves to his bedside table, looking under piles of rubbish for his cigs. After no luck, he then moves to his drawer. 

“ _ Shit _ .” Taehyung whispers silently, finding his empty packet of smokes and cursing himself for not throwing them out. He’s then moving to his cabinet, knowing he’d store any spare packets in there. 

He digs around blindly until his fingers find an unfamiliar object. Curious, Taehyung takes the object out only for his breathing to increase when realising what it is. 

It’s something he hasn’t seen in a while, something he’s hidden in the depth of his cabinet when it became too much to bear. The memories became too much, haunting him every second, all he had to do was look at the object and he’d instantly be reminded of his horror, of the unforgivable crime he’s committed. 

But that was before Jeongguk, before the boy came in his life and made him feel worth at least something, no matter how small he thinks that something is. Looking at the object now, he’s reminded of his doings, yes, but he’s also reminded of his mother. The tell-tale signs of a cherry blossom being the source of his memories. With much hesitation, Taehyung decides to put it on, feeling how much it weighs around his neck. 

It’s scary, having never put the item on before, but he does so now. 

It’s pretty, though it would be since that’s the sole purpose Taehyung came to purchase it in the first place. He exhales shakily, feeling a sense of anxiety beginning to take over, but he attempts to swallow it. Taehyung doesn’t give in to the urge to remove it, he doesn’t feel worthy enough to wear it, yet he’s also reluctant to take it off. It serves as a reminder of his past, making sure he’ll never forget the sins he’s done, though his nightmares do a good job to ensure he’ll never forget. 

He leaves the necklace dangling around his neck, deciding to look away from his reflection in favour of continuing his search for his smokes. With a silent cheer, Taehyung finds them and continues to grab his pack along with a lighter before migrating to his living room. 

He stops.

“Bad night?” Taehyung asks once finding Yoongi sitting in his signature position on the sofa. A cigarette between his fingers and his head resting on the back of the sofa, grey smoke surrounding him as he breathes the nicotine out. 

For a moment Taehyung thinks Yoongi hasn’t acknowledged him, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “Too hot.” The elder ends up declaring, inhaling the last of his cigarette before stumping the end out in the ashtray. A trail of smoke leaving his lungs as he moves. 

He agrees it’s rather humid tonight, the summer night biting at his skin, leaving nothing but sweat in its trail. Taehyung’s grateful he at least came out in his underwear, though it’s nothing the elder hasn’t seen before. Having lived with Yoongi for years, seeing each other nude is something they’ve, sadly, become accustomed to. Taehyung couldn’t tell you the amount of times he’s walked in on Yoongi doing god knows what, it’s safe to say they know almost everything there is to know about the other. 

Taehyung is still so grateful for Yoongi, grateful for the elder taking him under his wing when Taehyung had no one to turn to. His brother leaving not long after their mother died. If it wasn’t for Yoongi, he doesn’t know what would’ve become of him. 

“What about you?” Yoongi asks, finally facing him. “Can’t sleep?” 

Walking over to their shared balcony, Taehyung hums in agreement, already lighting his fag before he openes the door. “What’s new there.” 

Yoongi’s already following behind him, leaning against the door frame and basking in the cool air of the evening, satisfying their overheated skin. 

“What about Guk, thought he was helping you sleep better?”

“He does, jus’ one of them nights.” Yoongi hums in acknowledgement after Taehyung shrugs, taking a puff of his smoke. Yoongi makes a gesture with his hand, presenting his two fingers to suggest he passes the smoke over. 

“What? Get your own, you’ve jus’ had one.” 

Yoongi’s shrugs, his hand remaining out-stretched before Taehyung gives in and passes the cigarette over with much despair. 

“Y’know,” Yoongi takes a long drag, exhaling the smoke in a gust. “We should really try to quit.” The elder declares despite taking yet another drag before handing it back to Taehyung. 

Humming, Taehyung takes a drag of his own before speaking up. “Yeah, you’re right.” 

Another drag.

And that’s the end of that conversation. The acknowledgment of the risks of smoking in the air, unvoiced but it’s there. Eventually, there may come a day when Taehyung decides he’ll try and quit, but for now, it works as a good stress reliever.

“Tae…”

He was hoping Yoongi wouldn’t bring up the events of earlier, a conversation he knew was inevitably bound to happen, a single look being the provider of that knowledgment. Yoongi’s face a void yet Taehyung has known him long enough to recognise the slight alter to his features, a twitch in his expression which Taehyung can read easily. So he knows Yoongi has something to say, could see something playing on his mind as soon as he kissed Jeongguk like he did, in front of everyone, something he’d never do before. 

He hums, feigning being unfazed by the sudden change of conversation. 

“You gonna tell me what’s happening between you and the kid?” Taehyung continues to look over the street, finding the scene beneath him far easier to face than the man beside him. 

“‘S not much to tell.” He settles for being nonchalant, not displaying his true anxiety. 

What will he say? That he likes Jeongguk? That after years of accepting his demon and playing with them, using people as his source of entertainment if you’d like. That after years of believing love and attraction is nothing but a simple chemical reaction, designed to make you believe it’s some magical feeling when the reality is far different to that. That after all these years, it merely took one person to change his view on it all, living a lie this whole time. 

He understands it now. Not completely, there’s still so much for him to discover, but Taehyung knows what he wants, knows he’s willing to try. Something, if it wasn’t for the right person, Taehyung would’ve never considered doing. 

“Tae.” Yoongi says his name with so much sincerity, stern. Taehyung still isn’t facing the elder, but he knows Yoongi is frowning, is likely annoyed at Taehyung blatantly trying to avoid the subject. 

Surprisingly, before Taehyung can apologise or even confess, Yoongi sighs. It’s then that Taehyung chances a look at the other, curious, only to find his frown softening, which is unexpected. 

“Look, I learnt from last time,” Taehyung knows he’s referring to his most recent panic attack, something he tries so desperately to erase from his memory. “I don’t want you to go through  _ that _ again. So let me just say this…”

Taehyung opens his mouth, ready to interrupt and deny any knowledge of that happening. Or even better, to lie and say that it won’t happen again, even though he knows it’s inevitable. But Yoongi raises a hand, stopping him from speaking in order for him to continue. 

“I won’t tell you to leave Guk, I can clearly see you need him. But let me ask you, is he gonna be like the others? Are you gonna treat him like he’s no different to everyone else you’ve… been with?” There was a pause before the last bit, Yoongi clearly trying to find the right word to describe all the other people he’s had a thing with. A “relationship” not being the right word, since that implies both parties being loyal to the other. “And please, don’t lie to me. You know I fuckin’ hate when you do.” 

Taehyung pauses for a moment because, despite that being his initial intention- to use Jeongguk as entertainment, to get what he wants and leave- that’s no longer the case. So he shakes his head with a sigh, knowing there’s no use in lying to Yoongi. 

“That was the case,” Taehyung can see his friend about to protest, his mouth agape with his brows furrowed, but Taehyung is quick to continue. Interrupting him, similarly like Yoongi did to him minutes ago. “But no, not anymore.” 

“You truly like him?”

“I do.” He’s nodding his head, face blank in hopes his friend doesn’t see the lingering turmoil there. Taehyung knows, despite how strongly he feels for Jeongguk, that he’s a walking time bomb, it’s only a matter of time before he explodes, hurting the people he loves in his path.

_ Love _ .

_ Huh.  _

“This isn’t a game?” Yoongi continues to ask, eyes searching for his. This time Taehyung meets them.

“This isn’t a game.” He repeats, stern when he confirms how he no longer plans on playing with the younger’s emotions. No longer playing with his sexuality and using his confusion for his own sick type of pleasure. 

“Good.” Taehyung’s grateful Yoongi doesn’t ask more, doesn’t know if he can handle the elder prying into his thoughts, inevitably causing him to disclose things he isn’t yet ready to voice himself. He glances behind him, his eyes scanning for any movement behind his doors. Taehyung knows he'll be unable to sleep tonight, he debates positioning himself on the floor like usual but goes against it. He knows if he did he’d only regret it in the morning, his body screaming at him for torturing it like that. 

Eventually, after his cigarette has burned out and Yoongi retires back to his room, Taehyung does the same, settling back beside the other. 

As he predicted, when Taehyung wakes, it’s too his own screams. The sound is unattractive and piercing, tearing out of his throat in an almost painful manner. There’s a weight on his chest. Unable to move, Taehyung feels so helpless as he lies there paralysed. It’s the same as when he was young, the same feeling he had after being beaten to near nothingness, the paralysed state he was in is no different. Only this time, there are no bruises, rather, these bruises are the type you can’t see, the type that manifests inside you.

Then suddenly, there’s another weight in his chest. Different. soft. Jungkook's hand. “Hey,” he speaks groggily with sleep, though his eyes are bright and lit with shock, likely the effects of being startled awake. “You’re okay.” 

“Shit, ‘m sorry.” Taehyung begins rubbing his eyes after realising tears threaten to fall. It’s stupid. He’s stupid. This is pathetic. He’s pathetic. 

He attempts a laugh despite not finding any humour. “‘M so pathetic.” He laughs again. Jeongguk isn’t laughing though, his browns are knitted together, frowning deeply at Taehyung’s words.

“You’re not.” The younger declares, stern. Jeongguk shuffles closer, his head resting on the same pillow as Taehyung’s. His face softens once taking in Taehyung's new addition, a glint of silver lying tangled on his chest. Jeongguk’s delicate fingers begin tracing small circles on his chest before hovering over the piece of jewellery, careful as if he knows what it means for Taehyung to wear it around his neck. 

“Want to talk about it?” Jeongguk whispers after a beat, glancing up at Taehyung who’s breathing has now steadied. Taehyung’s unsure if the other is talking about the necklace or simply curious about his dream. 

“It was my father again,” Taehyung opts to describe his dream that had him screaming minutes ago, finding that easier to voice than explaining what the piece of jewellery means. “He was chasing me, a memory of him chasing me down our street after I refused to give him my school funds.” Taehyung remembers it well, how he had planned to run to the small boy who lived close, Yoongi. At the time, Yoongi was his only friend, the only person after his mother he could trust. “He found me in the end, brought me home and beat me for being so weak.” 

Jeongguk looks up at him with sad eyes, his lips pouted out in clear sorrow. “What about your mum?” He asks carefully, placing a small kiss on his shoulder blade, an action Taehyung finds intimate, can’t help but be endured by the younger.

“She was there, crying, not much she could do.” 

“And your brother.” Taehyung thinks back to his brother, how he’d show his love in his own way. Taehyung knew, deep down, that his brother cared, despite him being so hard on Taehyung for being weak. A lot of the time his brother was out, leaving them for his job or his friends, was hardly ever home. Taehyung doesn’t exactly blame him, he would’ve been out of the house as much as possible if given the opportunity. Juwon experienced their fathers rage often, used to be his punching bag before Taehyung came along. So he got it.

“Not sure, he was never home. ‘Don’t blame him either.” Once he’s regained his bearings, no longer hearing voices or seeing faces, left with nothing but a memory, Taehyung lays back comfortably, stroking Jeongguk’s hair which usually dulls his ache. 

“Did your father not work, why would he want your school funds?” Surprisingly, the questions doesn’t bother Taehyung. Be it anyone else, Taehyung would have answered defensively, remaining guarded from any reminder of his past. But it’s Jeongguk, the same man who pours his milk before his cereal. The same man who blinks every time he swears as if his body is rejecting it. The same man who clicks his fingers when he’s nervous or in an uncomfortable situation. The same man who pokes his cheek with his tongue when he’s annoyed. It's weird how much he’s learnt about Jeongguk in such a small space of time, how this man has crawled into Taehyung’s life, shaken all his beliefs, knocking down his defenses, making a home to stay. 

So yeah, he doesn’t mind answering anything Jeongguk asks. Taehyung’s willing to tell him everything,  _ give  _ him everything. 

“He did, though he’d just gamble it away, being in debt and using my money to square said debt.” 

“Tae,” Jeongguk’s voice wavers, cracking at the end. “That’s awful, you didn’t deserve that.” He whispers, his pout settling back in his lips. 

“It’s okay, I managed to scrape by.” Taehyung says in hopes to soften that pretty face, not liking how he’s managed to dampen the mood, again. It’s true, Taehyung managed to attend the school he wanted, working hard before living with Yoongi. That’s how he came to work with the latter at the tattoo shop, finding his talent there. 

“You deserve better.” Jeongguk continues on. His tracing motion never falters, it soothes Taehyung in ways he hasn't experienced since he was a child. Yet, it doesn’t stop his mind from running, wondering if Jeongguk would think the same if he knew what Taehyung has done. 

“Guk-“ Taehyung’s voice breaks, the memory alone being the cause of his voice wavering. But he cuts himself off abruptly. 

“Let’s go eat.” He settles for instead, pushing past the sudden urge to spill the workings of his inner turmoil, giving Jeongguk a glimpse of what he feels for the other. If he does- If he shows Jeongguk just how much he cares, then he’s showing him how weak he’s become for someone. Taehyung would be giving his everything to Jeongguk’s, his feelings bare for Jeongguk to control, to use. Taehyung’s never been so vulnerable, not since his tender age when his father would beat him until he was a squirming piece of nothing on the floor. 

  
  


***

  
  


“I want to dye my hair.” 

Jeongguk stops mid raising his fork, both the younger and Taehyung sharing an equally surprised look at Jimin. 

They’ve settled around the kitchen after Jimin came barging in, paper bag in hand before placing it on their kitchen counter. Taehyung’s so used to Jimin’s abrupt visits that he no longer questions it, especially since his two small hyungs got together. 

Taehyung had been genuinely surprised and rather impressed by Jeongguk’s successful attempt at waking Yoongi up without getting his head ripped off. He’s also quite jealous, Taehyungs often on the receiving end of Yoongi’s unstoppable range when being woken from his slumber, especially after a night like the last. Though, he can’t exactly blame Yoongi, he could never be mad at Jeongguk either, not with a face like his. Taehyung suspects Yoongi has a weak spot for Jeongguk similarly to Jimin.

Jimin and Jeongguk had began to make everyone bacon rolls and pancakes. Taehyung was pleasantly surprised how Jeongguk wasn't a half bad cook, a complete contrast to Taehyung who often opts for Takeouts or ready-cooked-meals. Though, Jeonnguk did miserably mess up the eggs, cracking the yolk in the pan along with some shells, Taehyung spent a good portion of his time picking shells from his teeth.

“What colour?” Yoongi asks room where he sits on one of the breakfast bar stools, entirely intrigued at Jimin’s sudden confession. 

“‘M not sure,” Jimin shrugs, swiping a finger over a rather large smudge of syrup- Jimin opted for pancakes since, apparently, bacon rolls are more lunch meals. Taehyung argued how pancakes are more for desert. Though, truthfully, he doesn’t mind either for breakfast- and sucking the sauce from his finger rather sloppily. Taehyung's balls his face in distaste at the unintended sexual slurping noise. Whereas Yoongi’s eyes are trained on Jimin’s lips. 

“I like the pink.” Yoongi comments, his eyes remain stuck on Jimin’s lips before he realises his obvious display of lust, eyes now diverting away to his food. Yoongi shrugs, feigns indifference.

“Okay,” Jimin agrees, giving his boyfriend a knowing look. “But it needs a top up.” Yoongi nods, grunts, still dazed by his blatant affection displayed earlier. 

“What about Guk?” Jeongguk halts mid chew, looking at Jimin in dazzlement. 

“What about me?”

“We should dye your hair!” Jimin exclaims enthusiastically, a sudden burst of excitement at his new intention as he places his fork down with a clang. 

“What?” Jeongguk asks, genuinely confused. Taehyung hides a smile at the younger’s obliviousness behind a mouthful of food. 

“Have you ever dyed your hair before?” Jimin asks once he’s swallowed a rather large mouthful. He receives a shake of a head from Jeongguk. 

“I wouldn’t even know what colour to go-“

“Black.” Taehyung intercepts rather abruptly. He soon realised his eagerness of choice of colour too late, the words have already left his mouth and everyone’s eyes now trained on him, even Yoongi has looked up. 

“Why black?” Jeongguk questions, lifting a curious eyebrow. 

Taehyung shrugs as he moves back against the chair, sitting up and ruffles his own hair, fingers snagging on the knots. “Just ‘cos I think it’d look cool.”

“Okay.” 

Taehyung looks up in puzzlement at Jeongguk’s grinning face, wondering why he so willingly accepted their suggestion. Jimin claps in excitement whilst Yoongi resorts back to his usual indifferent expression and continues on eating. 

They end up going to the store, a small corner shop that sells boxed dyes. Jeongguk looks at all the rows of dyes in contemplation, distrusting the brand as he scrunches his face in Jimin’s direction. Jimin ignores it, picks up the best looking black dye and pays, ignoring all of Jeongguk’s protests.

“Hey, we didn’t even get the pink dye!” Jimin waves him off, uninterested. 

“I suddenly don’t want to do this anymore.” 

Taehyung merely chuckles.

When they’re back at the apartment, Jimin’s darting around in eager movements, setting everything up in anticipation. They decided it’s safer to do this in the bathroom, Yoongi’s scowl and threat to throttle them all if there’s even a drop of dye spilt anywhere in the apartment was the cause of the bathroom idea. 

Jimin’s reading through the instructions, Jeongguk leant against the bathtub, an old towel around his neck. Jimin’s just about to place the gloves on, instructions pushed to the side and the dye ready when Taehyung speaks up.

“Let me.” Taehyung’s unsure what sparked the sudden urge to dye Jeongguk’s hair, he admits he’s never done this before. Yet, he wants to. Neither of the boys protest, although Jimin looks like he’s almost pouting, almost. 

He’s being guided through it, lathering Jeongguk’s hair in dye evenly. It’s somewhat therapeutic for Taehyung. It’s also slightly domestic, dying Jeongguk’s hair as he watches himself in the mirror- rather, watches Taehyung in the mirror. He tries not to let the burning gaze bother him, but he feels it, almost like Jeongguk completely sees straight through him, all his secrets, every wrong doing he’s done in the past. Taehyung doesn’t allow his paranoia to corrupt his thoughts, instead he focuses on the task at hand. 

“I hope he goes bold.” Yoongi’s shouts from the living room, Jeongguk scoffs, followed by a snort at Yoongi’s comment but he smiles regardless.

Despite his joke, Yoongi ventures into the bathroom, curious of their process. Though, Taehyung suspects he’s just checking there’s no stains. 

“Shit!” Jeongguk shouts from the bathroom, having just finished washing off the dye that’s been left to soak for a few minutes. 

“You good, Guk?” Jimin asks, hesitant. Everyone moved back to the living room, clearing plates as Jeongguk left to wash the dye off. 

“Fuck, I bet he’s actually gone bold.” Yoongi remarks, grinning devilishly. 

But he’s not. 

When Jeongguk walks out Taehyung feels as if he has to hold his breath. 

Because  _ fuck _ , Jeongguk looks good with black hair, older. The younger seems sheepish as he walks out, unsure of everyone’s opinion. Jimin’s practically cheering, repeating how good it looks like a mantra. Even Yoongi gives him a once over, nodding curtly. “‘S good.” But then Jeongguk’s gaze is on him, Taehyung hasn’t said a word yet, has been staring the entire time. Jeongguk lifts an eyebrow as Taehyung continues to stare, a silent question,  _ what do you think? _

“You look…”  _ hot, good, really fucking good that I don’t know if I should kiss the fuck out of you or hide you from possible threats, people who might steal you away. “ _ Really nice, it really suits you.” And Jeongguk stares back, can see the want in Taehyung’s eyes who did a poor job at hiding it, hiding how much he craves Jeongguk. Not just his touch but  _ everything _ . 

“Gross.” Yoongi breaks the moment, Taehyung adverts his gaze away from Jeongguk in hope to calm his sudden rapid heart beat, thrumming unrhythmically against his chest.

“Oh shit,” Jeongguk suddenly blurts after a few beats of silence. 

“What’s Namjoon gonna think?” 

  
  


*

  
  


“Why are you late?” Hoseok grumbles, leaving the door open for Taehyung to step in. 

“Your mum takes too long to cum, man, I dunno what t’tell ya,” Taehyung grins. “My jaw’s aching! But I’m nothing if not a giver.” Hoseok makes a gagging noise, looking nothing but disgusted as Taehyung slides through the small space between the door and where Hoseok stands. 

“Fucking brat!” Taehyung chuckles to himself. He’s home after a long day of work, yet his spirits are high, exhaustion seeping from his body as he steps into his apartment. He’s pleasantly surprised to find everyone here, drinks in hand as his friends make themselves at home. Though, Taehyung should be used to their unannounced visits, having had years of his friends just coming over as they please. 

He can’t help his grin upon seeing Jeongguk amongst everyone, beer in hand as he laughs at something Jimin has said. Taehyung just stands there, watching silently as he appreciates Jeongguk, appreciates the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, appreciates the way he can’t help but clap his hands when he finds something particularly extra humorous.

But then Jeongguk is  _ looking _ at him, smiling a completely different smile, one that’s reserved only for Taehyung to see. And-  _ Fuck,  _ Taehyung feels so much for one man, his stomach clenching almost painfully with how much he adores Jeongguk, enough to make his breathing escape irregularly. It’s a feeling he no longer questions, no longer attempts to pretend doesn’t exist. Maybe Taehyung isn’t supposed to be with Jeongguk, maybe he’s undeserving of such an infatuated look. But boy, does he want to be, he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to be good, trying to be enough until he actually deserves a look like that, like he’s someone of importance. 

Taehyung makes his way to his room, wanting to strip into something more comfortable, a shirt that doesn’t have a big ink stain from work. He’s unbottoming the garment in his dimly lit room when the door creaks opening, light lining the room the further the door opens. 

“Hey.” Jeongguk whispers after carefully closing the door behind him as to not make any sound. It’s cute, how- despite everyone knowing what’s going on between the two- Jeongguk still sneaks around, careful not to be caught. Taehyung suspects it’s more to do with shyness than anything else. 

Jeongguk’s stalking towards him, eyes stuck on the necklace Taehyung still hasn’t taken off, doesn’t think he  _ can _ take off. The younger reaches out, fingers tracing the tree of the necklace, following around the chains carefully, as to not break the fragile jewellery. 

“Pretty.” Jeongguk whispers, eyes trained on the necklace before looking up after Taehyung hasn’t said anything. Instead, Taehyung looks at Jeongguk with a dark gaze, eyes zeroing in on the younger’s lips. 

Without a second thought, Taehyung dips down, placing the most delicate kiss yet on the younger’s jaw. His body moves so his back is angled away from the mirror. His jawline viable as he glances at them both in the mirror.

Jeongguk eyes flutter before he settles his gaze on their reflection. Taehyung stands, circling around him before he’s behind the younger. 

“Look at you.” Taehyung whispers and Jeongguk visibly shivers, eyes never wavering from the mirror. There’s a height difference between them, Taehyung’s almost a head taller than the younger. His shirt remains screwed up somewhere amongst his belongings, chest bare. 

“We look good together,” despite everything, Taehyung isn’t going to neglect that they do, in fact, look  _ good _ together. “Like this,” he places another kiss on his jaw, only this time it isn’t so delicate. Jeongguk looks ethereal next to him, his newly dyed hair being the cherry on top. Though, Jeongguk looks ethereal no matter what he does. “Like we’re meant for each other.” 

Taehyung can see Jeongguk trying to suppress a moan, not wanting to alert the others of what they are doing. But he fails miserably when Taehyung’s hands trace his slim waist and squeeze, a moan slipping from between his pink lips. Taehyung turns him around, not giving it a second thought before he’s kissing Jeongguk passionately. A hard press of lips on the younger’s, groaning into it as he gropes the other. 

Taehyung easily slips his tongue in Jeongguks mouth, the constant feeling in his stomach finally erupting, exploding into their kiss. It’s what causes him to pull Jeongguk in closer, one hand trailing up to his neck, tilting his head back whilst his other grips his hip. They kiss like they haven’t seen each other for months, when it’s only been a day, though a day too long for Taehyung’s liking.

Their lips move skillfully against each other’s, a contrast to their first kiss, though it was still amazing either way. He thinks he could never get sick of this feeling, having Jeongguk so close, the pair molding into one. Taehyung eventually breaks the kiss, untrusting of his self restraint if they continue, especially when there’s people in the other room. Jeongguk looks dazed when their lips part, Taehyung tries but fails to not look so smug. Jeongguk wacks him. 

“Put a top on.” Jeongguk says before walking out. 

Their evening goes on like many others before, they drink, they laugh, it’s peaceful. Only this time, Jeongguk’s with them. It feels slightly different to their gatherings in the past, better, happier. It’s like everyone that should be here, is. 

“Can’t believe that pricks gone,” Hoseok sighs from where he sits, the lovely effects of his beer sedating his mind, numbing his body. They’re at a good level of drunk, the kind where your mind is slightly hazy, a small buzz where you’re comfortable and don’t have an urge to puke. 

“Should’a seen how peaceful it was last night, ‘s good.” Namjoon slightly slurs from where he sits, he’s never been one to hold his alcohol well. 

“Fuckin’, hope I don’t see that prat again.” Yoongi grumbles, his once broken arm flexing as he grips his almost empty beer bottle in a tight grip. 

“Joon, did ya know your brother stood up t’ Dongwoo.” Seokjin announces with a grin, he's someone else that can never hold his alcohol. Despite him being older and looking after everyone, he’s also the one to get drunk first, spitting secrets as he giggles. 

“He did?” Namjoon asks, genuinely shocked rather than annoyed. 

Jeongguk shrugs, taking a swig of his beer. “It’s no big deal.” He says bashfully, Taehyung can easily detect the slight blush marring his cheeks as he glances at Yoongi. 

“Jus’ didn’t like him.” Yoongi raises his bottle in thanks, a small smile tugging at his lips before he hides it behind a sip, Taehyung doesn’t miss the look of dazzlement. 

“Kid’s got balls.” Hoseok states, ruffling Jeongguk’s hair. Taehyung misses the proud look Namjoon gives his brother since his phone begins to buzz. 

You see, everyone that would’ve called Taehyung is in this room, so he’s shocked to discover a number he hasn’t seen in months. His blood runs cold, dread filling his system as he looks at the display on his phone, pulse enhancing, breathing turning irregular.

He stands on shaky legs, swallowing his panic in order to grunt out a,  _ I’ll be back _ , excusing himself to the balcony. Jeongguk and Yoongi give him side glances but thankfully don’t say anything, allowing him to close the door silently as he answers Juwon. 

His brother never calls, only ever on special occasions, and even then it’s often only a text. Taehyung, for a moment, wonders if it’s anyone’s birthday, but he knows there’s no such event coming up, no such reason for his brother to be calling him. Especially at a time like this. With unsteady fingers, Taehyung answer the call.

“Hello?” He says hesitantly, voice wavering slightly with his nerves. There’s an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach, different to his earlier butterflies. This feeling is much different, worse, but not unfamiliar. It’s the same as what he felt that time with Yoongi, when he had panicked. He can feel it now, so he swallows, attempts to will it away. 

“Hey,” His brother sighs, likely relieved Taehyung answered. 

“You okay?” He breathes, hands unsteady. 

“Yeah,” there’s a pause, soon followed by a sigh, “how’ve you been?” Juwon asks, and Taehyung hates how he’s tip-toeing around the unknown subject. Something is wrong, so obviously so and Taehyung isn’t prepared, his earlier panic now taking over. His mind conjures up the image of a cigarette between his fingers, the craving hitting him full force, urging Taehyung to reach for said cigarettes in his jean pocket.

His hands continue to shake as he draws one from the small box, lighting it up before allowing the nicotine to flood his system. “Hyung…” Taehyung's voice wavers, not being able to hide his anxiety when it comes to his brother. Juwon having seen him at his worst already, there’s no need for Taehyung to put up a facade. “Why call? What’s up?” 

To anyone else, that’d come across as rude, and maybe it is, but Taehyung’s too nervous to care. Deep down, Taehyung knows something is wrong, can tell by the way his brother is breathing heavily across the line. Can tell by the way Juwon hesitates as he speaks, no real joy to his tone. 

There’s a sigh from the other end, and Taehyung just  _ knows _ that whatever his brother wishes to tell him won’t be good. He swallows after a long exhale, realising he’s finished his smoke far too quickly. 

“I had a call, not too long ago, our father… well, he died.” 

And that’s Taehyung’s breaking point, the moment when everything comes rushing back to him. Every insult that was ever said, every sin he’s ever committed, it hits him at full force. Everything after that sentence is a blur, his brother's voice fizzling out, replaced by other voices, familiar voices, ones that haunt Taehyung to this day. He can vaguely make out a few words, something about their father dying in prison,  _ murder _ , but he isn’t listening. 

Taehyung should feel a sense of relief, knowing the person who taught him not to trust, not to rely on anyone is gone, but he doesn’t. Instead, Taehyung is left with his pounding thoughts, a reminder of what he’s done, a voice chanting that this is  _ his _ fault. 

The voice is his brothers, Juwon having said so himself all of them years ago. 

Taehgung’s the one who split up the family, he’s the anomaly, unwanted child. His memories of his mother are tainted from his mistakes. Taehyung wonders if his memories are even memories at all, he wonders if they are scenarios his mind concocted, wanting to believe his mother did love him, want him. Maybe, it was a figment of his imagination and his father was right, Taehyung was a useless, unfavoured child, a mistake. 

But then he thinks back to the necklace, and no, his mother  _ did _ love him. Yet, that means nothing now, all because Taehyung fucked up. 

He’s the one to cause a rift in their family, the reason why their father abused them. He’s the reason why their mother is dead, and now their father following her path. 

It’s all Taehyung’s fault, and he’s going to have to live with that, knowing he’ll never be enough. 

Taehyung thinks about Jeongguk, thinks about how good he is, how deserving he is of everything. Taehyung could never be enough, not when he’s a killer, not with his history. It was a mistake to think he could be enough. 

At some point, Taehyung had dropped his phone, the echoing sound of his brother shouting his name mute to his ears. All he can hear are the voices, nothing but voices. 

_ You’re the reason they are gone. _

_ You killed them. _

The voices are his brothers. 

His fathers.

His mothers.

At some point Jeongguk had walked outside, his figure leaning against the closed door as he smiles so brightly, so pure and joyful that Taehyung wishes he could just live for that expression, be enough so he can experience that look every second of every hour. But Jeongguk smiles drops instantly upon seeing the state Taehyung is in, his pretty features morphing into nothing but concern and worry. 

“What’s wrong?” Jeongguk’s moving towards him, urgent as he attempt to calm Taehyung with his hands. It’s then that Taehyung realises his shaking hands have escalated to his whole body, his whole being moving with fervour.

Taehyung’s scared, all he can feel is fear, the same fear he’d felt when he was pushed off the banister, the same fear he felt when he was beaten until his limbs were broken and he was left to just cry and cry. 

“Tae,” Jeongguk moves towards him, reaching out with so much worry that it pains Taehyung. Why would someone like Jeongguk, someone as perfect as him even so much as worry for someone like Taehyung?

Only, this isn’t Jeongguk reaching out anymore, its someone different, familiar. 

Taehyung would know those hands anywhere, has experienced them touching, hitting,  _ abusing _ him too many times to not recognise them. 

“Tae-“

“Duh-don’t touch me!”

The look of hurt on Jeongguk’s face is instant, his hands retracting from the rejection. 

“Can’t hurt you.” Taehyung mumbles, looking at Jeongguk with so much guilt. Jeongguk’s features soften, his earlier hurt replaced by worry once more. “Nu-not you.” Taehyung’s vigorously shaking his head, stepping back to keep his distance from Jeongguk, not wanting to hurt him too. 

“You can’t hurt me.” Jeongguk says it softly, approaching slowly as if Taehyung’s a frightened animal ready to flee. 

Taehyung allows Jeongguk to get close, wanting to hold him in his embrace like he had done earlier. Jeongguk’s wrapping his arms around Taehyung, looking up with those doe eyes filled with concern. And for a moment, Taehyung gives in to the touch, silent and aware of the trembling breath Jeongguk realises, his hands tightening. 

Taehyung can feel his heart wrenching in his chest, burdened by the beauty of the man in his hold. 

Willing his pulse down, Taehyung shuts his eyes, listening to the soft breathing of the man beside him. It’s in this moment that it’s so believable, that the two are brought together as one, their faits sewn together long ago. That everything that’s ever happened to Taehyung has led up to this moment, every wrong in his life, every darkness that’s consumed him was worth it, all leading to him with Jeongguk in his arms. 

“What’s wrong?”

And then it all comes crashing down. The voices, the faces, it all returns in an instant. Flooding his memory, taking him back until he’s the same panicked and frighten boy he was years ago.

“I-I killed him.” 

Jeongguk slowly retracts his hands, frowning deeply in utter confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I did it,” Taehyung snaps, resulting in Jeongguk flinching from the suddenness. “I killed him-  _ them _ .”

Taehyung wants to scream, but he can’t. His voice gets stuck somewhere within his throat, begging to break free but comes out in shaky exhales, wavering with the fear and shame. 

“You’re not making any sense. You didn’t kill-“ 

“I did.” Taehyung states, stern. Jeongguk hesitates, his face morphing into a variety of different emotions, and for a second Taehyung thinks he’s finally done it, finally push Jeongguk away enough for him to not come back. But then the younger settles on a soft look, a look Taehyung knows he’s undeserving of. 

_ You did this _ .

The younger is too close, far too close for his own safety. Taehyung’s grey in comparison to Jeongguk’s vibrant neon, he’ll be dragging the younger down his dark path, slowly losing his colour and it’ll all be Taehyung's fault.

_ Worthless piece of shit _ .

Suddenly, Taehyung's a little boy again, scared of the monster finding him, scared of his father beating him, stealing from him, abusing him. 

The panic settles deep within Taehyung, overriding his whole system. His terror manifests in his hands tearing free from Jeongguk, shoving at the strong chest and catching the younger off guard. The shove ultimately ends in Jeongguk staggering back, landing on his back and head first into the raised concrete step. Jeongguk’s hand collides with the glass of the door, the sound of the glass rattling, head smacking against solid concrete is audible even to Taehyung's ringing ears. 

He looks over at Jeongguk, his heart ripping in pieces at the sight. Seokjin is the first one to find out what the commotion was, only to freak out once he sees Jeongguk on the floor, head in hand and-  _ shit, is that blood? _

“What the fuck!” Namjoon yells, walking over in both worry and confusion. Soon everyone is gathered around the door, all eyes switching between Jeongguk and Taehyung. Yet, he can’t stop looking at the younger, looking at the hurt expression on Jeongguk's beautiful features as he stares back at Taehyung. 

There’s a hint of betrayal amongst other devistarig emotions clouding Jeongguk’s eyes. Yet, Taehyung can’t discern whether the saddened look is for the state Taehyung’s in rather than the humiliation Jeongguk’s just faced.

Taehyung would rather Jeongguk regard him with a stoic look, a resentful gaze rather than the expression he’s receiving now because the urgency to go over there and envelop Jeongguk into his embrace again is overpowering. 

However, Taehyung can’t, his feet are glued to where he stands, the faces becoming clearer and clearer before everyone slowly begins to fizzle. He feels hands on him,  _ Yoongi _ , his mind helpfully provides. 

Taehyung allows Yoongi to crouch down beside him -  _ when did I fall to the floor _ ? - hands on his face after widening his eyes. 

“Taehyung!”

He knows that’s Yoongi’s voice, has lived with him and known him long enough to decipher Yoongi from his panicked mind.

“I did it, I-I killed ‘em, ‘s me!” Taehyung’s beginning to hyperventilate, the balcony spinning with the ringing of voices in his head. 

_ No one could love a piece of shit like you. _

“What’s happening, kid?!” Yoongi yells, pulling Taehyung upright. 

“Nuh-no! Duh-don’t!” Taehyung doesn't want to move, would rather lay there to rot. 

“Someone help him up.” For a minute, Taehyung’s scared Hoseok is referring to him, his earlier refusal to move ignored. But he soon realises they mean Jeongguk since they haul him up, the younger’s hand locked on his cracked head as his face twists into a pained one. But then he’s looking at Taehyung again, though his expression is barely visible to Taehyung's blurred vision, his next words are all he needs to hear to known Jeongguk’s feelings. 

“No! I wa-wanna stay.” Jeongguk stutters, his face once again morphing into an uncomfortable one mid way through his protest. 

“No, you’re hurt.” Jimin is saying, inspecting Jeongguk’s head with vigor. 

“What the fuck has happened?!” Seokjin shouts, clearly panicked. 

“Tae…” Jimin walks over, his expression no different as he approaches Taehyung, reaching out and-

“No, No!” Taehyung's screaming, yanking his arm away from Jimin’s reach, back colliding with the wall of the balcony. “I didn’t mean to!” 

The yelling won’t stop, just rips out from his voice. He’s not sure if that comment was referring to Jeongguk or his dead parents. 

“Fuck, everyone fucking leave!”

Yoongi shouts, eyes focussed on Taehyung. 

“I-I killed ‘em Yoongi. ‘S me, I killed m-my- her.” The elder seems to understands, the urgency to get everyone the fuck away overwhelming. 

“Go! Fuckin’ leave!” Everyone looks ready to protest but doesn’t question it, the need to make sure both men are okay is crucial.

Jeongguk hesitates, frowning at the scene in front of him with conflict. 

“But-“ 

“Go!” Yoongi shouts, making Jeongguk flinch at the sudden rise of voice. Jeongguk looks broken, pained as he’s hauled out of the balcony, guided towards the door where everyone leaves.

Except Namjoon, he stays, not before giving Seokjin a look, a silent question, trusting him with Jeongguk while he stays with Taehyung. 

“Help me get him inside!” 

“N-no, please! I’m s-sorry!” Taehyung flinches away from their touch, his eyes ablaze with fear. 

Demons of every kind dull Taehyung entirely, making his mind swim with incoherence as he tries to keep a stable mind. Any moment now, he's going to slip further into his madness, and maybe, if he’s lucky, he won’t resurface ever again, won’t have to face his demons again, demons that resemble his father. 

“We’re not gonna hurt ya, kid.” Despite Yoongi’s soothing words, Taehyung begins to thrash on the floor, fighting against unwanted hands, hands that are trying to either pin him down or help him up. 

Thankfully, Namjoon doesn’t say a word as he calmly helps Yoongi, both men conscious of Taehyung colliding with the balcony and ultimately hurting himself. 

“I did it, ‘m suh-sorry!”

“Taehyung, you’ve done nothing wrong, now please, you need to let us help you.” Taehyung thinks that’s Namjoon’s voice, though it could’ve been Yoongi’s, he’s too far gone to tell. Everything that’s happened in the last minute is a complete blur, the only memory he has is of haunted faces, hands that don’t belong to his friends. 

“Try to breathe, deep breaths, kid.” Yoongi’s words are nothing but a murmur, a soft scramble of letters that fall to death ears. “You’re here, with us, safe.” He’s not, Taehyung’s a kid again, his father trying to pin him down, steal his money. 

But then his mind switches to another memory, Taehyung’s most crucial one. He feels sick, the bile rising at the very thought.

“‘M sorry! Sorry!” Taehyung begins to sob, the tears streaming down his face in a flurry, not being able to stop then even if he tried. 

“Taehyung, please-“ Yoongi reaches out with his other hand, but Taehyung flinches, his head colliding with the wall. The impact is jarring, painful, so much so that Taehyung closes his eyes, the shouts of his friends muted to the ringing in his ears. 

  
  


*

  
  


_ He’s 15 again.  _

_ The day that everything ends.  _

_ The day that Taehyung stops living.  _

_ It was early when Taehyung had woken up, cash still stashed in his front jean pocket. His father was still knocked out from the alcohol induced events of last night when Taehyung left the house, the concept of sleep is something he’s used to not having. So he’s up, eager as he walks the long distance to a small jewellery store.  _

_ The store’s compact in size, having a small range of choice for Taehyung, yet his gaze fixes on an elegant piece of jewellery instantly, a silver pendant. The chain is thin, average in length, Taehyung can picture his mother wearing the necklace, fitting around her petite neck perfectly. Granted, it could never compare to the heirloom, handed down by his grandma.  _

_ There’s a crystal ball in the middle, the metal molded in a perfect circle, glinting in the light. It looks expensive, that much Taehyung is sure of.  _

_ But none of that matters, what matters the most to Taehyung is the small cherry blossom tree in the middle of the circle, giving off the illusion of movement when he turns his head in a certain direction. It’s beautiful, perfect for his mother, so he buys it, hands the many notes of money over to the man in exchange.  _

_ The way home doesn’t seem as long, though that’s just possibly how Taehyung remembers it, the journey having no importance in comparison to what’s about to happen next. The gloom of the winter weighs over the weather. It’s cold, or maybe that’s just how Taehyung perceived that morning, remembering it as some dark, ice cold day.  _

_ It’s insane to think how one minute Taehyung could be the happiest he’s been in a while, excitement settling somewhere deeply within Taehyung, giddy with each step before it all comes crashing down. The excitement stripped from him, taken away only to be replaced by fear and grief. The painstaking realisation of what he’s done, what he thought was a good deed twisted, turned on Taehyung for the worse.  _

_ When he’s home, Taehyung’s immediately hit with the realisation that his father’s awake and  _ mad.  _ Taehyung could hear the bellowing screams from his father, the roar of his shouts.  _

_ He’s quick to rush through the open front door, almost tripping over his rattied, old shoelace.  _

_ “Where the fuck is it?!” His father barks, his voice groggy from lack of sleep. The lovely effects of the strong, excruciating taste of alcohol are quite gone. _

_ His mother is crying, her voice coming out in shaky breaths, the noise piercing with the depth of her cries.  _

_ Despite the urge to help her, Taehyung's feet remain glued to where he stands, unmoving from pure fear.  _

_ “Where. Is. It?!” Taehyung flinches at each word, his father repeating himself from his earlier accusation. _

_ He’s asking for something. _

His money.

_ Taehyung gulps, panic rising in the form of bile, fear taking over his whole body. And then his father notices him, that fear seeping in deeper when their eyes meet. _

_ “Where the fuck have you been?!” His father yells, striding over and then slapping him. Taehyung’s cheek burns where knuckles have hit, though the pain is insignificant in comparison to his father's previous beatings.  _

_ “I-i-“  _

_ “He didn’t take your money!” His mother defends him, eyes wide in worry once noticing Taehyung's present.  _

_ He freezes, processing the words before they hit. Taehyung  _ did _ steal his money, but it was for his mother, paying her back for what his father had broken. His father leers over at him, snarling at his son in distaste. Yet, Taehyung wonders if this is love, if this is how his father shows his affection. If he should be smiling and saying, “I love you too.” _

_ It’s an agonising thought, one Taehyung mentaly curses himself for, because this isn’t love. His mother has shown him what it can be like, and this is not it.  _

_ With hesitance, Taehyung forces himself to face the looming shadow of his father sneering down at him. A cry almost ripping through his throat with the cruciating fear, but he swallows it. His petite hand grips the front jean pocket, a reminder that the necklace is still there. _

_ They just need to get through this and then Taehyung can give his mother the necklace, can witness that rare, radiant smile of hers. _

_ His father slams his head against the wall and wraps his large, calloused hands around his slender throat. Taehyung's fighting for breath, clawing at the dried flesh with blunt nails. His eyes water with the pressure of thick fingers blocking his air supply. His father continues to squeeze, ignoring his mother’s cries as he smiles, a dark twisted smile that’ll haunt Taehyung for the rest of his life. He just doesn’t know it yet. _

_ He’ll stop. _

_ He always stops.  _

_ Taehyung just has to endure it some more then he can give his mother the necklace.  _

_ For a moment, Taehyung believes that this is it, that he’ll die right here in their filthy home with his father's hands around his neck. The monster being the last person he sees. The thought of not giving his mother the necklace pains him more than any hit can bring.  _

_ “It was me, jus’ stop!” She’s crying more, heaving with the weight of her tears. Taehyung wants to scream when his father lets go and turns to the women in the open kitchen, but he can’t. Taehyung chocks on lungfuls of air he tries to inhale, every time he opens his mouth a cough rips through his throat.  _

_ “That’s my money you dirty hore!” His father grabs her by the hair, making her stand a few inches taller. Her makeup runs down her face, dark marks in streaks from where her tears have fallen.  _

_ Then he’s raising his fist, Taehyung’s eyes wide as he brings it back down to land a rather hard punch to her jaw.  _

_ It all just happens in an instant, so unexpected.  _

_ If Taehyung had known that this was the last time he would be seeing his mother, then he would’ve said something reassuring, tell her how much he loves her. He would’ve given her the necklace at the first chance he got, owned up to stealing his father's money because it was  _ him  _ who did it, not his mother. Or better yet, he would’ve taken her place, made his father continue to hit him. He would’ve never stolen the money in the first place, no matter how much he thought his mother deserved the small gift. It’s not worth it, Taehyung would give up everything he had at that moment just so he could have her back, would endure any beating for her.  _

_ The force of the hit resulted in her staggering back, being knocked off kilter as her head collided with the corner of the kitchen counter. The impact is so sudden, results in gashes of blood to spew from her head. The sound of the collision will forever burn in his memory, taking place there to stay. It was a twisted, nauseating sound.  _

_ Taehyung doesn’t realise his brother entering the scene, his gaze stuck on the unmoving women on the ground. Everything stops for him, emotionless for a moment because he can’t comprehend what’s quite happened.  _

_ And then it hits him.  _

_ A heartfelt sobs rips from between his lips, burns his throat with the amount he strains. It all hurts so fucking much, his heart shattering into so many little pieces.  _

_ Taehyung just wants to die.  _

_ His father must realise what he’s done since his eyes widen, still clenched fists opening and shaking as he’s staggering back, looking down at his dead wife. His father vomits, the bile landing in the sink before he straightens up, running to his bedroom.  _

_ Taehyung eventually does move, careful to approach his mother as if by him walking it’d hurt her more. He just needs to see, to make sure she isn’t dead because if she is, then that’s Taehyung’s doing, then Taehyung’s the one who killed her.  _

_ He checks for a pulse, her breathing, anything. _

_ Nothing.  _

_ He’s aggressively crying now, chanting “mum” over and over again in hopes she’ll wake up.  _

_ “Please!” He screams, his voice completely cutting off at the end as he chocks with the force of his cries.  _

_ With unclear eyes, he reaches for the necklace, uncaring of his blooded hands as he shows her. “‘S for y-you! Wake up!” Taehyung’s begging now, showing his mum the pendent in his hands, as if the piece of jewellery would wake her.  _

_ “What have you done?” Junwo whispers beside him, it would’ve made him flinch if Taehyung wasn’t vigorously shaking her corpse, praying she’d get up and smile once more. Juwon’s crying too, though his tears fall silently.  _

_ Later, when the police show up and take everyone away for questioning, when the Min’s accompany them to the police station, that’s when it all really sinks in for Taehyung. _

I did this.

I killed her.

It was me.

_ “You killed her.” His brothers sharp voice makes Taehyung flinch, yet he doesn’t disagree, accepting the extreme loathing and hostil look he’s receiving. Taehyung deserves it, deserves to be shunned from his brother and so much more. Because he killed her, he’s the one who stole the money in the first place, allowed his mother to take the blame. He’s the unwanted child, the worthless, no good, piece of shit.  _

_ And he’ll live with this forever, that’s his punishment.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry...  
> This one was, wow, I’ve been waiting to write this for so long. Everything is really beginning to unfold now, Taehyung’s past now coming to light.  
> I hope everyone was able to follow and hope I portrayed Taehyung’s trauma and flashback well. No one can describe the pain of losing a loved one, that shit is too painful to put into words but I did my best.  
> Let me know what you guys honestly think as always.  
> Thank you again for the support for this series, it’ll be coming to and end soon and I can’t believe it, only a few more chapters to go. I admit, this series has come a long way from the first few chapters, I feel my English slightly improved? I don’t know.  
> But reading everyone’s lovely comments, (despite my few spelling mistakes,) honestly just makes my day. I’ve always struggled with writing, academics is not my area of expertise but I try my best. I love writing, have always had a passion for it but to put words into stories is difficult.  
> So I just want to say thank you so much again, it really means a lot.
> 
> Anywayyyy, kudos and comments keep an author alive! 
> 
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)
> 
> If you guys wanna talk :)


	11. XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He takes a deep breath and turns around. Melancholic waves command Jeongguk’s body to a halt, to stop wanting, to stop breathing, to just...
> 
> Stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I’m sorry.

When Taehyung wakes from his haze, his head spinning, dizzy from the harsh impact, the first thing he makes out is soft fingers stroking through his hair, a gesture that sometimes works as a sedative. For a moment, Taehyung believes he’s with his mother again, her delicate hands soothing him, dulling the ache in his head, likely another beating he endured from his father.

“Mmm.” He attempts to call out for her, but the words come out in a hum.

“Tae, you’re awake.” 

The second thing he can make out is a voice, but it’s not the appealing, honeyed tone he was expecting. Instead it’s a thick voice, breathily with a sense of relief,  _ Yoongi’s _ .

Taehyung soon realises where he is, everything coming back to him. He can feel the cold surface beneath his fingers, hard concrete that’ll make sure his body will ache later. He can feel the cold from the ground radiate off of him, making him shiver. Except his head remains warm from where Yoongi continues to caress him, stroking the hard knots in his hair, leaving his hair smooth and lulled. 

Opening his eyes is a struggle, straining as he takes in the harsh light from their balcony despite it now being dark outside. It doesn’t help his throbbing headache due to where he hit his head. Things are a bit of blur to him, both his surrounding and his memory. Taehyung wouldn’t be surprised if he had a concussion, wouldn’t be surprised if there was a forming lump on the side of his head. 

He attempts to sit up, putting all his weight on his arms as he pushes upwards, his back now leaning against the wall. 

“Easy.” Yoongi hisses, moving with him so Taehyung doesn’t further hurt himself. His friend looks concerned, deep lines decorating his forehead.

“Y’good?” Taehyung’s nodding his head which rests in his hands, legs bent at the knee. It’s a position he’s grown highly accustomed to, one he hasn’t had to use in a while, one he’s almost forgotten about if only for a moment. It’s comforting, curing himself in a ball to shield himself from the harsh reality of life. 

“What happened?” His voice comes out croaked, strained from something he’s unsure of yet. Has he been screaming? 

“You had a panic attack, kid.” That’s Namjoons reasoning voice, Taehyung looks up through his bleary eyes to find that it is indeed Namjoon standing a few feet away, looking slightly disturbed despite his calm tone. For a moment Taehyung wonders if the others are here, the events of tonight nothing but an unclear dream, fragments of his memory gone. 

It’s not until he really opens his eyes, completely taking in his surroundings and the oddity of his position that his memory comes rushing back. 

_ Jeongguk. _

_ I hurt Jeongguk.  _

_ Like I always said I would.  _

The ache is instant, there's guilt he now carries, more than usual, because he did the thing he knew he would despite desperately wanting to be good for Jeongguk. 

But this is what he deserves, this is just the harsh reality of it, something he’d known would eventually happen, yet he continued on for his own selfish reasons. Thinking he could change,  _ how pathetic.  _

“Fuck! Is Jeongguk okay?” He’s asking no one in particular, Taehyung’s gaze switching between Namjoon and Yoongi as nerves settle in deeply. It’s instant, the neausiating feeling of being the one that hurt Jeongguk, remembering how he had pushed him away, both figuratively speaking and in a literal sense. The impact Jeongguk took must’ve been jarring, painful.  _ There was blood _ , Taehyung's mind unhelpfully reminds him. 

So he’s looking between the two boys in panic, hopping, at the very least, he hasn’t done any major damage to the boy.

_ Yeah, because bleeding out on the floor, which  _ You  _ inflicted, isn’t major.  _

“‘M sure he’s fine, think he’s just worried about you more.” Namjoon eventually answered the question that lingered in the air, both men waiting for the other to speak first. 

Taehyung’s glad to know Jeongguk isn’t suffering from any major injuries, though it’s not enough to erase the stain of guilt, an uncomfortable feeling brewing at the half clear memory. 

“Tae-“

“I’m fine.” Taehyung attempts to stand, his poor excuse of a T-shirt not doing much to defend the cold of the floor, the cool air seeping through the rips of his jeans. 

“‘S fucking freezing.” With unstable legs, Taehyung eventually does stand, attempting to hide the constant shake of his hand, something he discovered started up again since he woke. His two friends share a concerned look before following Taehyung’s lead, walking in stride to the living room where Taehyung practically flops on the couch. 

Taehyung’s rubbing his face in hope to rid the bleariness from his eyes, only, his fingers discover dried skin, practically near his eyes. He groans, the realisation that he’s been crying is humiliating. 

“You should text guk.” Tightness settles around his chest once more after Namjoons sudden suggestion. He breathes in, trying to take air into his lungs, then exhales. It helps the constriction a little bit. It’s not that the idea of texting Jeongguk scares him, but it  _ does _ . Because what if he knows? Knows who Taehyung truly is? There’s no doubt Jeongguk saw his panic, saw the mess he had become after his brother called-

_ His brother. _

_ Their father died. _

_ I killed him. _

_ I killed her. _

He tries to fight away the role of discomfort, the way he knows his brain's about to spin out. The anxiety is consuming, going in a complete state of panic at the sudden reminder. Everything that was a blur, nothing but an unfinished image in his head, now becomes so clear. The reason for his brother's sudden call, it all makes sense now.

It’s as if hitting his head gave him a few minutes of amnesia, only it all comes rushing back now. Everything that transpired in the past few hours now becomes clear.

Namjoon’s studying him; it's not helping his panic. Taehyung's hates being stared at, particularly when he's just trying to breathe. 

“Kid, fuck!” Yoongi must’ve noticed his building panic, despite how much Taehyung is trying to be discreet, willing it down. “Breath with me.” Yoongi says surprisingly calm, breathing in deep breaths only to exhale with the same energy, urging Taehyung to mirror his breathing. 

The panic doesn’t leave, it still exists, teetering on the edge. It’s like a constant reminder, sectioned in his brain to let him know of it’s existent, that Taehyung’s  _ not _ okay. But the breathing helps, it stops the hyperventilating which is usually the beginning of most of his panic attacks. 

“‘M okay.” Taehyung breaths the words out, despite how shaky each breath is. He doesn’t want to go down that path again, one that leads to nothing but self loathing and guilt, panic crawling over his skin, a constant reminder of everything. It never goes, not really, but at least he knows where he is, who’s he’s with, that this is real and he’s not stuck in some nightmare where his father exists. 

Yoongi’s hands are hovering close but not quite touching, likely weary of the last time he attempted to reach out. Namjoon sits close, that soft look never quite leaving, it irks Taehyung slightly, thinking he doesn’t quite deserve a look like that. So  _ understanding _ .

“You should go check on your brother.” Yoongi suggests, his voice still surprisingly calm. Namjoon seems to heiste, his gaze flicking between the two boys. It wasn’t said as a command like he had done before, it’s more of a proposal, Yoongi probably noticing how Namjoon sits uncomfortably, biting his lip. 

“I’m good now.” Taehyung attempts at reassuring him, despite the obvious lie, if his almost panic a few minutes ago isn’t any indication. 

“Okay.” Namjoon sighs, rubbing his thighs once before standing. Taehyung’s grateful he doesn’t push to stay, he’s not exactly feeling very social at the moment. “We’ll talk lager.” It’s said like a promise, stern but mostly from worry. All Taehyung can do is nod, thinking it best not to argue.

“Hey,” Taehyung begins pushing his curls back with cold fingers, his hands unstable as they continue to shake. He tries to hide it. “Thanks.” Taehyung attempts a smile, one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes but holds all the gratitude he needs. Namjoon returns the smile with a nod, not saying anything further before he leaves, silently closing the door behind him. 

Silence descends the room. 

Taehyung feels a sense of awkwardness sink in, especially when unwanted eyes are burning holes in the side of his head. He’s clenching and unclenching his hands, resting then in his lap in hope to hide how they quiver. For a second, Taehyung considers leaving, not being able to bear the uncomfortableness he suddenly feels. 

“Want to talk about it?” Taehyung can’t find his voice, untrusting that it wouldn’t waver. So he shakes his head, eyes stuck on his fists. Yoongi sighs and Taehyung can make out a slight shuffle beside him, can hear the ruffle of his jeans as he moves closer, legs pulled up, folded under himself as he faces Taehyung. 

“Tae, please talk to me.” Yoongi’s always able to see past his bollocks, it’s one of the firm foundations of their friendship. Taehyung was never any good at lying to his hyung, never to Yoongi. He takes in a rather shaky breath, remnants of his last panic still linger in the front of his head, feeling as if he could tip over the edge at any given moment. 

“My-“ he breaths. “‘Dad died.” Taehyung says nonchalantly, sharing no sympathy for the announcement. Yoongi appears taken back by the sudden outburst, not easing him into the new found information at all. His initial shock transforms into a hard frown, his mouth gaping. 

Despite Taehyung trying his best at faking indifference, his voice wavered slightly at the confession, conveying his true emotions. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much Taehyung loathes the man, he’s still his father, and somehow, it’s Taehyung's fault he’s gone. It’s Taehyung's fault he acted the way he acted in the first place. It’s always Taehyung's fault. 

“Shit, kid.” Yoongi eventually sighs out, rubbing his faces with rough hands, leaving red blemishes behind. Taehyung remains quiet, allowing Yoongi a moment to process everything, though that’s just an excuse. Really, Taehyung doesn’t know what to say, and even if he did he wouldn’t trust his voice from wavering with the wave of emotions. “I know your father was, well…” Yoongi trails off, swirling his hand in the air in search for the right words. “I’m sorry, Taehyung.” 

“Don’t, he deserves it.”

_ I deserve it _ . 

Yoongi looks pained but doesn’t disagree. He’s been there, Yoongi’s seen what’s happened, knows of his father's doings, the trauma he’s faced. “Still, this has clearly affected you. So talk to me, what happened earlier wasn’t how I expected you to react at all.” Taehyung looks up at his friend, about to ask for him to elaborate.

“Taehyung, you had a panic attack. You started chanting… things.” Taehyung cringes at the choice of words, remember what “things” he chanted. 

“And Jeongguk-“ Taehyung takes in a sharp breath at the mere name. “You’re not gonna call him, are you?”

He remains silent, how can Taehyung call him after that? 

“Fuck kid, you can’t keep doing this, it’s-“

“I know what I’m doing.” Taehyung snaps, frustration extending to his fingers as he clenches his fist. Yoongi appears annoyed, taken back. 

“Jeongguk doesn’t deserve that.” 

Taehyung closes his eyes. He’s known since he was little that closing your eyes does nothing to rid all your problems, but he’s willing to test that theory once more. 

“I know, he deserves better.” 

  
  


*

  
  


Stumbling up many flights of stairs while the world is spinning is much harder than Taehyung anticipated. For whatever self loathing reason, he decided the elevator would be far too easy, so trying to navigate his apartment whilst he’s both drunk and high is what Taehyung deserves. If he so happens to slip on the way up, causing any serious injuries, then he supposes it’d hurt less than this consistent ache. 

Taehyung's unsure how and when, but he does manage to reach his apartment floor, or so he thinks it’s his apartment floor, he’s too fucked to tell. Adrenaline flows through his system from the high of the night, so when he comes to a stop at the top of the stairs, the adrenaline fades, leaving this cold, panicked feeling behind. He needs to sit the fuck down he realises, but Taehyung isn’t in the comfort of his apartment yet so he can’t. 

Everything hurts, the ache of something missing comes rushing back, no longer dulled but the sickening taste of liquor or the addicting feel of cocaine. Taehyung's head is spinning, pulsing with everything. He’s over done it, yet Taehyung feels it isn’t enough, the pain remains which means it just wasn’t enough. 

He’s blindly reaching for something to grasp, anything to stable him as his vision strains, dots exploding behind closed eyes. Taehyung’s balancing himself on the wall before he’s sliding down, legs stretching out and arms hanging limply at his sides. He stares down emptily at the ugly carpeted floor, that disgusting carpet that’s in every apartment complex, an ugly arse pattern that whoever made, needs to reconsider their life choices. 

Taehyung doesn’t know what time it is, though he suspects it’s early morning considering there’s light shining through an open window in the corridor. He’s been out all night with some friends, Jackson and some nameless faces he didn’t bother getting to know, was too busy getting pissed and high. It’s barely been a few day’s, two to be exact, since his brother had called, since- 

_ No _ , Taehyung thinks.  _ I can’t think about this, not whilst I’m drunk.  _

He’s ignored every text, every call from Juwon. How can he talk to him after that? There’s no way Taehyung could muster that courage, face the fear of his brother's judgmental voice, likely accusing him of their fathers death. 

_ You did this.  _

_ This is your fault.  _

He shudders at the memory, cold seeping through his skin from the memory of his past. Taehyung hasn’t been moping around, he hasn’t allowed himself the opportunity, has been far too busy with distracting himself. If he was to stop, sit and just think, Taehyung might just crumble, which is why he decides to get up, not allowing himself to think further into his building turmoil. 

With heavy feet, Taehyung attempts to navigate his way down the familiar corridor. With any luck, Yoongi will still be asleep and Taehyung can slip into bed unheard. He’s purposely been avoiding the elder, not wanting to be on the receiving end of that concerned look. If he’s honest, he’s been avoiding all his friends, not answering anyone’s texts. Even Jeongguk has tried to text, asking if he’s okay. Despite everything Taehyung’s done, the younger still cares and Taehyung  _ hates _ it, hates it because he doesn’t deserve it.

He feels his heart clench as his mind lingers on Jeongguk. Pushing away the guilt he instantly feels. 

By some obscure miracle, Taehyung does manage to find his door, the familiar numbers noticeable even through his blurred vision - that’s ignoring the many times Taehyungs tripped and landed on his face, making so much ruckus that would’ve probably disturbed his neighbours. 

The moment Taehyung clumsily knocks on his apartment door, granted he uses his body weight to slam against the door rather than his hands, he comes face to face with a very pissed off Min Yoongi when he swings the door open. For a moment he forgot he was trying to  _ not _ wake his friend and that keys are a thing. He’s livid, that much is clear to Taehyung even in his drunken haze. Taehyung attempts to play it off cool, straightening his posture to appear less drunk. 

“Hyung.” Taehyung smiles, his cheeks bulging with the action. Though it’s a rather drunk smile, his eyes are unable to focus.

“For fuck  _ sake _ ! how high are you?” Yoongi looks at him in disbelief, which Teahyung supposes is better than the exasperated and out right livid look he was receiving earlier. 

“‘M fuh-fine.” 

Taehyung said that a lot better in his head. 

“You’re clearly fucking not, look at you!” Yoongi waves his hand in Taehyung’s direction, said man swaying with bloodshot eyes and a dopey smile. 

Yoongi sighs before hauling him into the apartment, dragging him by his arm.

“Oh, Tae-“

“Hi Huh-hyung!” Taehyung waves rather too enthusiastically, he’s pretty sure he screamed that greeting if Jimin flinching at his voice isn’t any indication. 

“Is he drunk?” Jimin asks from where he sits on the sofa, blanket shielding his small frame and pink hair sticking up in different directions. Not long having woken up. 

“Yeah.” Yoongi grunts, frown deepening. Taehyung can’t stand his vice grip, blunt nails digging into his raw skin. So he yanks his arm back rather aggressively.

“Nuh, I duh-don't need y-your help!” Taehyung snaps. Yoongi looks entirely done with his shit, his nostrils flaring. If steam coming out of one's ears was a natural human function, then there’s no doubt in Taehyung's mind that’s what would be happening to Yoongi.

“Fine.” Yoongi grits through his teeth, watching as Taehyung attempts to make his way to his room. In his mind, Taehyung’s walking with ease, appearing sober. But the reality is, Taehyung trips up on some furniture, stubbing his toe before falling flat on his ass. 

He’s laughing as he flops on the floor, coughing on a rather large bit of spit. Ah, that’s flem. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Yoongi glares down at him in disbelief. “Jimin, I can’t deal with this fucking child anymore. That’s what you are right now, Kim Taehyung, a child.” He practically spits.

Taehyung continues to laugh, his belly hurting with the force. “fuck off, have a lau-laugh.” 

“Are you-  _ me _ ?! Look at you! You’re a fucking mess and I’m sick off this.” Taehyung sits up, annoyed. 

“Ugh, jus’ luh-leave me the fuck alone.” Taehyung sighs, knowing Yoongi isn’t going to laugh about this like he is. Jimin remains strangely quiet throughout this whole interaction so far. “M fun-fine. Duh-don’t need anyone’s help.” 

“Yes you fucking do! Maybe if you’d just stop this shit! It’s old and I’m tired.” 

“S-stop what, Hyung, huh?!” Yoongi doesn't even flinch at Taehyung’s outburst, probably used to it by now. “Say it, go on. Say that you’re sick of me, ‘s fuh-fine, I’m used to it.” 

“I am, I’m sick of your shit!”

“Then fuckin’ leave! Why wuh-would you be friends with someone like me, someone w-who killed their parents.” Taehyung's skin turns cold at the confession, forgetting Jimin was even in the room. But he doesn’t look disgusted like Taehyung assumed, he appears rather calm, maybe slightly confused. Taehyung is cold, but warm at the same time. He’s beginning to sweat heavily, he realises. 

_ Ah right. _

_ Yoongi probably told him. _

“Tae-“

“NO! I duh-don’t wanna hear it.”

“You didn’t kill them, so stop feeling sorry for yourself!” Yoongi’s getting angry now, irritation extending to his fingers as he roughly drags Taehyung up by his arm, his grip tight.

“Don’t touch me, duh-don’t you dare fuckin’ touch me and say that!” Taehyung uses all his strength to free himself from Yoongi’s hold, which doesn’t take much since Yoongi let’s go instantly, not wanting to hurt him despite his obvious anger. “You don’t know shit!” 

“Okay, I think we need to calm down.” Jimin says smoothly, calm as he rises from the sofa and strides towards them. But no one's listening to him, the two boys have their eyes set and narrowed at one another.

“It’s not just that.” Yoongi says bitterly. “It’s more than about just your parents… Jeongguk-“

“Don’t.” Taehyung interjects bluntly, his chest tightening painfully at the mention of that name. He misses Jeongguk, misses him almost as much as he misses his mother, his brother. He wants the younger to comfort him, tell him he’s not a bad person even though he’s now killed his father. But Taehyung has to remind himself of why he’s doing this, why he must push the younger away. 

“Why? You clearly fuckin’ miss him, so just talk to him.” 

“I-I  _ can’t _ .” Yoongi sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose in exhaustion. 

“I just-“ he sighs, “I want to help but I don’t know how.” Yoongi’s voice wavers, and Taehyung almost feels guilty, but he doesn’t want anybody’s help. 

“You can’t.”

Yoongi’s frown returns, his face scrunching with the action. Taehyung wouldn’t be surprised if Yoongi hit him right now, he definitely deserves it. “Can’t or won’t let me? You don’t want anybody’s help, how can I help you if you can’t even help yourself?” Taehyung huffs, snorts. He’s beginning to feel sick, the room hasn’t stopped spinning this entire time. Taehyung is certain the ground has learnt how to move, shapes and colour invading his vision. 

“Fuh-fuck you.” 

Yoongi eyes widen a fraction before they narrow. His gaze now an icy glare, hiding his hurt behind this cold demeanour. “You’re such a cunt sometimes.”

“Yoongi-“ Jimin scolds, frowning.

“No, he is. I’m sick of this.”

_ Good _ , Taehyung thinks. Finally Yoongi realises how he’s no good, that he’ll just drag everyone he loves done with him. It’s like dragging his friends into a nightmare, solving a mystery only for them to discover that he’s the monster in this story.

Taehyung muscles ache, sweat now trickling down his forehead. He feels it, has been sick many times before to know what this feeling is. So he runs to the bathroom, knowing he’s about to heave the little food he’s consumed in the past few days, only drinking and using drugs as a substitute. The head pain comes as slowly as a blood from a fresh wound, so not at all. 

Taehyung strips himself free from his overly damp top, he manages in time before hurling his guts out. Jimin’s beside him, rubbing his back in soothing circles as he comforts him, whispering incoherent sentences. Despite Yoongi’s obvious anger, he still enters the bathroom at a good distance, lingering by the door looking rather conflicted. 

Yoongi sighs audibly despite how loud Taehyung is. “Fuck-Tae,” another sigh, ”I’ve told you, you just don’t listen to me, Jesus, you make me so-“

Before Yoongi can finish, he’s interrupted by a rather quiet knocking, the sound barely audible. Though, the noise does nothing to settle Taehyung’s raging headache, despite how quiet it may be. He’s so out of it, the earth rocking beneath him and his mind drifts in and out like a tide. Taehyung can barely make out that he’s on the bathroom floor, sick building and burning his throat on the way up, flowing out of him like a constant stream. 

“You deal with him, I just- I can’t.” Yoongi sighs, glancing down at Taehyung with so much distaste, but there’s sympathy there, and Taehyung hates it. Yoongi leaves, and Taehyung isn’t exactly sure why, maybe it’s because he’s finally pushed his best friend to the point of no return. It’s about time Yoongi realises what Taehyung is. Jimin remains beside him, his eyes showing the kind of gentle concern his mother used to have. It’s the type of look she’d use when Taehyung would hurt himself, not when his father would beat him, but when Taehyung would trip and graze his knee or burnt his mouth on food that’s far too hot. 

There’s a slam of a door, the room shaking with the motion, or is that Taehyung just spinning? He can’t tell. Yoongi’s returning, frowning as he steps into the bathroom.

“What’s-“ 

Though Taehyung’s vision wavers and there’s a constant ringing in his ears, there’s one thing he’s sure of, that’s Jeongguk’s voice. Taehyung doesn’t even have to look up to recognise that softly spoken voice, laced in velvet. But he does so anyway, his cheek squished against the toilet seat, reminisce of bile getting in his hair. Taehyung blinks up with bleary eyes at the younger. 

_ Fuck _ , Taehyung’s almost forgotten how beautiful he is. He’d laugh at how much of a sentimental sap he’s being if his head wasn’t stuck in the toilet and he didn’t feel like literal death.

“Shit, what’s happened?” Jeongguk asks, panicked as he stands frozen by the door.

“Guk.” Taehyung chokes out, frowning in pain from the sudden migraine worsening. It must trigger the sudden bile rising, hot as it comes out in waves, Taehyung shakes from the motions. 

“Fucking hell, Tae, what’ve you done?” Jeongguk asks, though he looks at everyone else knowing Taehyung’s unable to respond, his mouth currently occupied with hurling his guts out. 

“He’s just a bit drunk.” Jimin answers with a half hearted smile, one that holds no real meaning other than the raw sorrow he feels for having to lie.

“A bit? Fucking look at him!” Yoongi howls, gesturing for people to actually look at Taehyung. He looks like shit - he knows he does, still dressed in yesterday’s clothes, having not changed to go out, his chin unshaven, head in the toilet, chest bare, red from the overwhelming heat. “He’s absolutely fucked, look at his eyes, he’s so-“ Yoongi’s cuts himself off, sighs. Taehyung can fill in the blank, even though Yoongi’s mad he still continued to cover for Taehyung, not that he feels like he deserves it. 

“Yoongi-“

Taehyung’s throwing up again, this time not being able to stop. He’s choking on it, his breathing coming out in shaking exhales before vomiting once more. He’s missed the toilet entirely, his bile landing everywhere but the toilet. Jimin finally loses his stomach, gagging himself at the foul stench. He was never good at dealing with other peoples sick, Taehyung would be surprised he last this long if he was conscious enough to acknowledge that fact. Instead everything just a harsh murmur to him. 

“Jeongguk, turn the tap on. Quicily!“ Taehyung wonders why Yoongi’s screaming, now realising Yoongi has taken Jimin’s place by sitting beside him, rubbing his back. It’s then that he acknowledges he’s no longer throwing up, though his fever remains, worsen in fact as he shakes. 

“Tae, you’re burning.” Yoongi mutters in shock horror as his hands rise to feel his forehead. Taehyung attempts to hum in acknowledgement rather than his usual snide comment about how obvious that observation was. Instead, his hum comes out as a groan, one that makes Yoongi stand to his feet quickly. “Come on, you need to get up.” 

Yoongi’s lifting him from where he sits, his body still from any movement, limbs protesting. 

“Guk, help me lift him.” The water has risen at a reasonable level, so Jeongguk nods once, turning the knob of the tap before helping Yoongi with lifting Tae. 

They make quick work with stripping him from his trousers, leaving him in his underwear so he’s left with at least some dignity. Yoongi grabs Taehyung by his legs whilst Jeongguk hooks his arm around the elders torso as they lift and manoeuvre him towards the cool bath. 

Before he knows it, Taehyung’s submerged into water, his torso cooling drastically. Jimin’s there with a jug, passing it over to Jeongguk. On instinct, Taehyung manages to close his eyes as cold water travels down his face, dampening his sick filled hair. It’s cooling to his skin, soothing but the queasiness remains lingering in the background. 

Yoongi’s leaning against the wall before slumping down on the floor, watching with sorrowful eyes. There’s a stillness in the room, as if everyone is expecting the worst to happen. 

“Taehyung?” His eyes flicker open at Jeongguk’s voice. “Can you tilt your head back? I’m going to wash your hair.” 

He nods as an answer, allowing Jeongguk to manoeuvre him as he wills. Jeongguk perches himself at the edge of the tub, his jeans seeping with water droplets from Taehyung's head resting in his lap. He’d feel bad if he wasn’t so comfortable. 

All thoughts of guilt are out the window for now. Taehyung gives in to his friends caring gestures, allowing Jeongguk to wash his hair. In the morning, that’s when he’ll set things right, give Jeongguk the out he deserves, the freedom from the mess that is Taehyung. He’ll remember the countless nights they’ve spent together, sharing stories between kisses and tangled limbs. Taehyung can’t bring himself to forget, Jeongguk occupies a good majority of his mind, the other part… his parents take up. 

Taehyung eases into the feeling of soft fingers in his hair, lathering his sick covered strands with shampoo no doubt. 

“I’m going for a cig.” Yoongi voices as he rises, avoiding eye contact with anyone as he moves with tired limbs. Taehyung feels sad for his Hyung, has put him through a lot, which is why he must push them all away. He doesn’t want to hurt them, not his friends. His past relationships - if he can even call them that - he could hurt, but just not his friends. 

Yoongi however, has always been stubborn, equally balancing Taehyung's stubbornness. Perhaps “balancing” isn’t the right word, it’s more like equally clashing. Nevertheless, Yoongi is adamant to stay, has always remained his closest friend despite how much Taehyung would fuck things up. Though he suspects that loyalty won’t last, that there will become a point Taehyung takes it a step too far for Yoongi to draw the line in their friendship. 

He’ll be alone, for good this time. 

  
  


*

  
  


“Guk,” Taehyung croaks out, his eyes fluttering open for a moment before closing once again, fresh water washing the hair products out. Jeongguk hums in acknowledgment, running his fingers through the now soft strands, blunt nails gently scraping his scalp. For a moment Taehyung remains quite, relaxing into the calming feeling. 

“‘M sorry.” 

Jeonnguk stops his soothing motion at the confession. He looks to the man beneath him, Taehyung's eyes remaining closed as he muttered the apology. 

But then he’s opening them again at the loss of movement, a heavy gaze meeting Jeongguk’s despite the drunken haze Taehyung is in. 

“I l- ‘m really sorry.” 

“You’re drunk, Tae.” Jeongguk dismisses the apology, uncertain what he’s apologising for exactly but has a bad feeling all the same. He’s drying Taehyung’s hair when Jimin enters the bathroom once again, having left earlier to check on Yoongi. 

“Help me get him to bed.” Jeongguk says with his arm hooked around the taller man's waist, Taehyung’s arm loose around his shoulder. Jimin looks around at the mess, bile and water everywhere, even dirt from where Taehyung was once perched beside the toilet. 

Jimin does help him, grabbing Taehyung’s other arm as they haul him towards his room. Yoongi remains leaning against the balcony, a pissed off expression clear even through the dim lighting. He’s smoking like a chimney with sharp, angry drags. 

Yoongi all but nods at him as they pass before his eyes settle on Jimin. Jeongguk can’t help but watch the silent exchange between the two boys, Jimin looking mildly pissed at his boyfriend. 

They eventually settle Taehyung in his bed, said boy on the brink of passing out. They’ve left him in his damp boxers, having dried them off as much as possible. Jeongguk supposes damp briefs are much better to sleep in than yesterday’s clothes, ones that smell of sick and alcohol no doubt. The muscles in Jeongguk’s arms strain a bit with the deadweight of his friend before the feeling is gone. 

“I’ll go clean up.” Jimin mutters after Taehyung’s positioned comfortably, Jeongguk just nods, deep in thought. 

Taehyung seems different, it’s been a mere few days but Jeongguk can see the drastic change in the others eyes. They’re bloodshot, not entirely with it. Taehyung looks back to how he once was, only this time it’s worse. The events of the other night were indescribable, he’s so utterly confused what had happened for Taehyung to descend into a downward spiral of Incoherent chants, the process of disorientation. Jeongguk’s never felt so dejected, pushed away by the one he cares for. But what hurt him the most was the pain he could see Taehyung was in, the same pain he sees now. 

He’s brought back to that familiar feeling, imagining how loving Taehyung would feel like. Love is more than sex, more than adoration, more than just warm memories. It is alive and vibrant, like a warm fire. Jeongguk may have felt love before, love for his family, for his brother, friends. But he’s never felt something this strong, it’s unmistakable to think this feeling is anything but the process of falling deeply, frantically in love. 

That thought should scare him, but it doesn’t. 

“Stay.” Taehyung mumbles, blinking up at him. It comes out slurred, Jeongguk can’t help the fond smile that forms for the man beneath him. 

“Okay, Tae.” Jeongguk says half heartedly, not fully listening to the drunk man's requests, especially when he’ll have no recollection of such events in the morning. Taehyung frowns at Jeongguk’s playful response, though it’s more of a cute frown than it is intimidating. 

“Stay.” Taehyung repeats, firmer. Jeongguk gives in, realising he could at least help him sleep. 

“Okay,” he whispers, smiling. Taehyung returns the smile with the same energy before he closes his eyes once again. Jeongguk takes that as his cue to move, needing a drink, maybe it’d be a good idea to get one for Taehyung as well… and a bucket. 

When he enters the kitchen, he’s greeted by the sight of Yoongi, said man sat at the breakfast bar, cradling a coffee that looks far too strong for the early morning. He grieves for the excruciatingly distressed look on his friends face, entirely worn for wear. 

“Hey,” Jeongguk begins, not quite sure how to approach him. But Yoongi’s always had a soft spot for him, both him and Taehyung alike. 

“Hey, kid.” Yoongi strains a smile, snapping out of his daze. Jeongguk approaches slowly, it’s more careful than it is hesitant. With the close proximity, Jeongguk’s able to make out his worn out expression, dark circles taking shelter beneath his eyes. If Jeongguk had to guess, he’d recon Yoongi didn’t get much sleep last night. If he had to take another guess, he’d say the reason behind such restlessness was due to Taehyung's obvious absence, only returning early hours this morning shit faced. 

“I’m assuming you’re staying.” It’s said as a statement rather than a question, Jeongguk nods all the same. “Right, well eat what you want.”

“Where are you going?” Jeongguk questions as small fingers reach for a glass, grabbing three instead of the original two. He fills each with water, replacing Yoongi’s still steaming coffee with a cold glass of water. Yoongi makes an annoyed huff at the action but doesn’t say anything. Instead he directs his gaze to Taehyung's room, frowns before looking back. 

“Got shit to do.” If Jeongguk didn’t know any better, he’d say Yoongi is avoiding Taehyung. 

“Hyung,” Jeongguk begins, suddenly struck with the urge to ask the obvious questions that’s been nagging him since he arrived. “What drug has he been taking?”

Yoongi visibly stiffens, fists clenching. “He hasn’t-“

“Don’t. I know he’s not just drunk, I’m not stupid.” Jeongguk can practically feel the guilt radiating from Yoongi, despite the man not meeting his eyes. “Does he usually-“

“No.” Yoongi states, firm. Jeongguk will admit he’s slightly caught off guard at the sudden bluntness, yet he decides not to push for more. Instead he nods, accepting Yoongi’s answer. However, the relief never comes, not like he was hoping anyway. Part of him feels like there’s more to it than that, that Yoongi’s obviously hiding something. 

Jeongguk is yet to find out why Taehyung is suddenly avoiding him. Originally he assumed it was out of guilt from his actions the other night, accidentally pushing him away both figuratively speaking and in a literal sense. He came to reassure the older, possibly talk it out and discuss what had happened that night. 

Now however, Jeongguk’s afraid there’s more to this than he originally believed. 

“Is he okay?” Jeongguk can’t help but ask, taking a sip of his drink to downplay the curiousness he truly feels. Maybe he shouldn’t be asking Yoongi of Taehyung’s well-being, should be asking the man he’s concerned about himself. But he finds himself asking Yoongi anyway, knowing if something was seriously wrong then Yoongi would know about it. 

“Well, he’s drunk, if that’s what you mean by ‘okay’.” Jeongguk mentally rolls his eyes at Yoongi’s obvious avoidance of the subject.

“I mean he’s been avoiding me since that night he freaked the fuck out. Then tonight… I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something?”

Yoongi blinks, sighs. “You should be asking Taehyung this.”

“That's the point, I’ve tried but he hasn’t responded to any of my texts. Hell, he hasn’t responded to Namjoons or anyone else’s to my recollection.” Yoongi still avoids eye contact, staring endlessly at his full cup. “It’s barely been a few days but there’s a drastic change in his appearance, like he hasn’t been sleeping again or eating for that matter.” Jeongguk shifts where he stands uncomfortably. Why does he feel like he was walking on eggshells right now? Why does he feel as if he asked something he shouldn’t have?

Jeongguk sighs, slightly defeated. “I just want to know if he’s alright?” 

Silence.

“Hyung?”

“He’s fine.” Yoongi eventually responds after a drawn out moment. It does nothing to ease Jeongguk’s worries, if anything it serves to worsen them. The elders downing his drink straight after answering, the glass clinking rather aggressively against the counter. 

“I’ll be back later, bye kid.”

Jeongguk just hopes Yoongi’s right. 

Yoongi’s words are proven wrong, because later that night Taehyung eventually does wake up. Jeongguk had kept to his promise and stayed pretty much the entire day. When Jeongguk had checked, Taehyung had been sleeping, only once waking up to vomit. Nevertheless it’s safe to say Jeongguk was shocked to find him sleeping on his bed, alone. However, he’s known Taehyung long enough now to know that he sleeps better when drunk, too shit faced to really have many thoughts to keep him up at night. Taehyung had disclosed that piece of information during one of their many nights spent together. The elder had explained when times became so rough, his nights spent awake with nothing but deep, disturbing thoughts, being restless for weeks that Taehyung would drink his sorrows away. He’d become so drunk, so intoxicated with the poisonous substance that his mind would numb, ease him into a semi peaceful sleep. The hangover would be worth it for the night's sleep he achieves. 

Taehyung never had done that with Jeongguk, until now. 

He gets up from the sofa then, hearing a ruffle coming from Tae’s room. Jeongguk deems it time to check on him, curious if the elder is awake and somewhat sober. Coming into Taehyung's dimmed room, Jeongguk’s quick to spot the slight movement coming from… the floor? 

Realisation hits instantly, Taehyung must’ve moved and slept on the floor. Jeongguk feels a pang of guilt at the sight, now wishing he was beside him if it meant it would’ve helped him sleep better. 

Taehyung blinks up at him blearily, eyes narrowing, attempting to focus on Jeongguk. He’s sweating again despite only being in nothing but briefs. His skin glistens with the moisture, highlighted from the dim lighting. Taehyung's panting, the unmistakable rise and fall of his chest captures Jeongguk’s attention instantly. This isn’t the first time he’s seen Taehyung like this. Hell, this isn’t even the second or third, they’ve had plenty of nights where Taehyung just couldn’t escape his thoughts, his constant swirling mind coming back to haunt him with more endless memories and dreams. But it still pains Jeongguk, each restless night almost feeling like a failure.

But he’s come to learn that nothing’s perfect, that it’s inevitable for Taehyung to have nights like these. So Jeongguk won’t let how much they affect him show, all for Taehyung's sake.

The elder chooses that moment to sit up, groaning as he does so. “You feel any better?” Jeongguk asks, despite the evidence being clear that he’s not okay, hungover. 

Taehyung stands with a stumble, only to take one step but flop on his bed, his back hunched where he sits. For a moment he stares at Jeongguk blankly, his expression a void, unreadable. It’s like when they first met, that uncomfortable, twitchy feeling returns under Taehyung's hard gaze, like he has an ulterior motive for Jeongguk. Maybe when they first met it was new and exciting, making Jeongguk flushed when he was looked at like that. But now, now he dislikes it, knowing this isn’t Taehyung's true self.

Then there’s a flicker of  _ something _ , and Jeongguk breathes again. That something resembles remorse, possibly a hint of despair before the look is gone, fades. Taehyung bends to pick up a pair of discarded jeans, manoeuvring into them from where he sits. Looking around the room, Jeongguk suddenly takes in the mess, clothes having been thrashed about uncaringly. 

“‘M good… thanks.” Jeongguk feels his pulse race at the change in attitude, the apologetic look from earlier this morning now gone. He doesn’t mean to panic, has always had an issue with overthinking, but he can’t quite help the anxiety he feels at the change of demeanour. 

Jeongguk doesn’t let it show, smiles passed the nervousness. “You hungry? You haven’t eaten all day, I can make something quick, or order-“

“‘M not hungry.”

_ Ouch. _

_ “ _ Okay.” Jeongguk’s saying, his voice soft despite how unsteady he feels. Taehyung sighs, remains in the same hunched position before rising, staring straight at Jeongguk. Said boy begins to remember why he showed up here in the first place, leading him to ask his next question. “Tae, do you wanna talk-“

“Why’d you stay?”

“I- what? You asked me to, this morning when you were drunk.” Taehyung visibly stiffens, sighs, mumbles something incoherent to Jeongguk. 

“Sorry I- you didn’t have to stay.” Jeongguk shrugs, frowns.

“But I wanted to.” 

Taehyung’s nodding, looking directly at the space behind Jeongguk, which in turn makes Jeongguk glance behind him since Taehyung is so fixated with something. Jeongguk turns back upon seeing nothing out of the ordinary only to find Taehyung looking at him before he’s looking away.

_ Right, he’s avoiding eye contact _ . 

Jeongguk’s suspicions grow at that realisation. The panic rises, intensifies because it’s not just in Jeongguk’s head. Something is definitely up and he doesn’t like it, is starting to make him feel nauseous with the amount of nerves he feels. Jeongguk had learnt the hard way that he should always trust his gut instinct, and in this instance it’s twisting painfully, nauseatingly trying to warn him something is wrong. 

“Look, about last night, did you do…  _ that _ because you haven’t been able to sleep?” Jeongguk gestures towards the now empty space on the floor, the one that was occupied by Taehyung’s figure. 

When Jeongguk doesn’t get any acknowledgement, he continues. “If you haven’t been sleeping then you should’ve messaged me or even came round.” 

“I didn’t wanna disturb you.” Taehyung mumbles, moves around his room to grab - by the looks of it - a very old top, one that probably should be in the wash. Jeongguk’s frowning now, annoyed.

“Well that’s never stopped you before.”

The other boy is sighing as he finishes tugging his top over his head, finally meeting Jeongguk’s gaze with a hard stare. Jeongguk, only now just realising the big space between them, moves closer to Taehyung, barely even an inch. What he isn't prepared for is Taehyung stepping backwards. 

It hurts, that single action hurts, the uncomfortable feeling exploding into agony, like concrete slowly drying his heart. It sounds dramatic, Jeongguk knows, but it’s a feeling that’s fairly new to him. Having never felt such strong emotions for one person, granted a man at that, someone he didn’t think he’d ever find himself lustful over.

But it’s more than just lust, that much is clear, has been clear for a while now. 

“You should go.” 

There’s a long pause, silent but for the persistent whistle of chilled wind from the open window encapsulates the room. 

But then Jeongguk’s scoffing, can’t contain his displeasure at the sudden change of demeanour, the sudden change of sentiment. The scoff is designed to hide the break in his voice, knowing if Jeongguk did decide to utter anything then it’d come out rather shaky. 

So instead Jeongguk scoffs, showing the resentment he feels towards the man he adores actions. Because he’s turned bitter, different, shutting Jeongguk out for reasons he doesn’t understand. Taehyung doesn’t comment about the scoff, if Jeongguk’s honest, the elder doesn’t do  _ anything _ towards the offensive sound. Taehyung continues to remain a void, back to how he once was at the beginning, when Jeongguk didn’t understand him at all. But now Jeongguk does, he’s spent countless nights and days with Taehyung to pick up on things, most of them explained. Jeongguk was invited into Taehyung's life with a hesitant hand, but once he grasped that hand, Taehyung never withdrew information from him, has always been open in sharing his past. So yes, it’s safe to say Jeongguk has come to grow an understanding towards Taehyung, has known him long enough to pick up on different shifts of emotions or what each action may mean.

Now, however, it’s different. Taehyung’s withholding something from him, Jeongguk knows at least that much. Or maybe he’s been holding something from him for a while now, a secret kept locked up in the depths of Taehyung's mind. Maybe a discarded memory, pushed to the back of his brain only to reveal itself once again, leading into a downward spiral of overthinking and distress. Jeongguk concluded that if this is the case, the downwards spiral had begun the other day, when Taehyung had received that message. Jeongguk is still unsure what was exchanged that day, but he knows it’s likely the cause of all of this. 

Despite it all, Jeongguk still hopes, continues to search for Taehyung's gaze to find fondness like there once was. The same gaze he’d often direct at Jeongguk, the same gaze that’d cause an erupt of butterflies in the depth of his stomach. Because if Jeongguk doesn’t find that look, then he feels himself breaking, teetering over the edge of heartache. 

He can’t find that look, because Taehyung never meets his gaze. 

“Look,” Jeongguk swallows the lump forming, refusing to let it take over. If Taehyung is going to act this way, then Jeongguk won’t let it show how much it’s really affecting him. “I don’t understand why you’re pushing me away right now,” Jeongguk frowns despite the hurt he feels, only letting the anger show. He speaks his next words quickly after realising Taehyung's about to interject. “If this is because of the other night, because you pushed me… Taehyung, it was an accident-“

“It’s not.” Taehyung states, firm. Jeongguk’s sick of this, sick of him interrupting his questions for Taehyung to shut them down with little care, spitting quick, blunt answers. It only makes his bubbling anger grow in temperature, his underlining hurt slowly going on display, like a pixelated photo slowly morphing into HD. “‘S not ‘cause of that.” 

“Then why?” There's a pause, nothing but silence descending the room. Jeongguk has to bite his tongue in order to restrain himself from spitting his irritation at Taehyung’s obvious - and successful at that - attempt at avoiding looking his way.

“Talk to me.” Jeongguk’s saying much calmer, pleading of a sort. He finds he doesn’t quite care anymore, just wanting to go back to a few days ago when they were happy. “If you’re not going to talk then I’m going to assume whatever this is,” Jeongguk gestures the space between them at the word ‘this’, “is to do with-“

“Let’s just stop, okay.” Adrenaline floods Jeongguk’s system, It pumps and beats like it’s trying to escape. He begins balling his hands into a fist, only as a means to contain his anger. 

“Stop what?” He asks, hesitant this time. Jeongguk’s unable to hide the tension in his voice. 

Taehyung sighs, moves past him to leave. For a moment, Jeongguk thinks he isn’t going to answer, is going to ignore him like he’s done so for the past few days. “Just,  _ everything _ .” 

The other man is walking in the open apartment, skirting round furniture rather lazily, a sign of his restlessness from early hours this morning. Jeongguk follows behind, though he rather wishes he doesn’t have to, wishes that Taehyung would just stop and  _ talk _ . 

But the other man doesn’t, he continues on towards the kitchen, tidying as he does so. Jeongguk grows tired of following him around, dodging a particular unfavoured garment thrown in the directions of Taehyung's room. Typically it’s in line with where Jeongguk stands. It’s obvious, Taehyung's purposeful attempts at avoiding him entirely. If they could just talk, Jeongguk would be able to uncover the unpredictable change in Taehyung's mood, would be able to resolve whatever turmoil is thrumming through his head. Because right now, it hurts. Jeongguk can’t help the unwanted feelings brewing in the pit of his stomach, uncomfortable in the way it twists as if to warn him and remind him that Taehyung is pushing him away. But he can’t, because he won’t look at him, won’t talk to him, won’t-

“Stop!” 

The sudden outburst just happens, catching himself off guard with the urgency to his voice. At least Taehyung finally stops moving, turning to actually look at him, and not just a brief glance either. Taehyung blinks, drawn back slightly himself, as though wary, but then his lips thin, his expression hardening. That’s so much worse.

“You really should g-”

“No, I wanna talk.” Jeongguk cuts in. Making a stand, imposing some sense of entitlement, it’s a necessity when interacting with  _ this _ Taehyung. The Taehyung who will interrupt just to avoid conversations, throw blunt words and create a distance. Jeongguk has learnt this over the past few months.

Taehyung’s lips thin further, frowning, before signing and accepting defeat. Jeongguk would feel a sense of pride if it wasn’t for that nauseating gut feeling that something terrible is happening.

“Fine.”

Silence.

“So what’s-“

“Let’s stop  _ this _ ,” Taehyung gestures at the two of them in what is admittedly only vaguely meaningful. “Us. What we’re doing, let’s stop.” Taehyung says with a permanently bored expression, he bespoke nothing but the angst-ridden man Jeongguk had first met months ago. He hates it. 

With each whispered word, a bit of Jeongguk’s heart breaks. With each passing second, the need to cry increases.

But he didn’t, doesn’t. Jeongguk reserves his tears and replaces them with anger, frustration, confusion instead. 

“Why?” Jeongguk asks instead, attempting to reason before he allows the panic to settle in entirely. Much to his own surprise, Jeongguk’s voice is controlled. Not calm, as the anger and hurt bubbling beneath the surface is all too apparent, but he hadn't started yelling as he expected he would. 

“I just-“ Taehyung bites his bottom lip, abruptly cutting himself off. For the first time today, Jeongguk witnesses a glimpse of something similar to remorse and a hint of hesitance in Taehyung’s gaze. Said man rubs his face, his eyes bleary and face unshaven. Maybe it’s due to the restlessness that enforces the laziness to seep in, the colourless task of having to shave after having no sleep. 

“You haven’t been sleeping.” Jeongguk says it as a statement rather than a question. Taehyung frowns, blinks.

“So?”

“Have you…” Jeonnguk takes a glance at Taehyung’s fatigued figure, noticing how his shoulders hunch as if there’s been a heavy weight carelessly placed there. “…been out recently?”

Taehyung raises a questionable eyebrow, looking down at himself as if to say  _ really? _

“Other than drinking, have you actually been out?” Jeongguks met with silence, Taehyung’s supporting the same dull, bored expression. “Because I read that lack of natural light and exercise can-“ Jeonnguk trails off, stops himself from continuing as he takes in Taehyung's cold gaze. 

Taehyung scoffs and runs a hand through his rough hair. Jeongguk frowns, takes a step forward but the other man flinches away as if Jeongguk had pelted him with stones instead of offering a few kind words and suggestions. “You need to stop reading that stupid shit, it doesn’t work.”

Jeongguk’s frown deepens.

It’s not like he does so often, nor does he read into these things religiously. Jeongguk will look up certain tips or remedies that may help with sleep, but it’s nothing Taehyung hasn’t heard before. And what if Jeongguk did find something new that had potential in helping his insomnia? He’s only trying to help. 

The truth is, he knows the answer to truly helping Taehyung sleep better. These remedies, these tips, they’ll all aid him to a better night’s sleep but it won’t entirely go away. Jeongguk’s known for a long time that he is powerless in comparison to professional help, which is what Taehyung needs to seek. The thought’s been playing on his mind for a while, but he’s always thought it wasn’t his place to mention. Or rather, the fear lies in Taehyung rejecting his suggestion, shutting it down entirely.

“Why are you getting mad?” Jeongguk asks defensively. “I’m just trying to help.”

Taehyung’s narrowing his eyes, eyebrows set. “Well don’t.”

Jeongguk is having to inhale a shallow breath, calming the anger that’s been building since the other man had woken. “Why not? You clearly haven’t been sleeping properly.” 

“I’ve been sleeping fine.” Taehyung leans against the kitchen counter, arms hanging at his side and looking anything but like a person who believes his own words. 

Jeongguk releases a long exhale, frustration travelling through his system, his jaw tensing from the feeling. “Why lie to me? I’m not going to judge you, you know this.”

“Jeongguk, just drop it, yeah?” The way he said his name was a verbal slap in the face. Instead, Jeongguk tries to appear unfazed. Refusing to show it, he lifts his chin up. 

“No, because I know there’s something wrong and I’m worried.” He gives the elder a look, one that’s almost pleading, as if to beg that Taehyung drops this act. 

“I’m not your fucking charity case, Jeongguk.” Jeongguk freezes. His heart feels as if there’s a sudden hole forming. It’s like he’s chasing something he can never reach, losing something that’s already lost.

It hurts. He supposes it’s like that dream, the one where you’re running but your feet betray you. The panic remains the same, building along with the need to run. 

The only difference between the dream and reality is that instead of running away like Jeongguk would in the dream, the reality is the opposite. He’s trying to run towards the awaiting destruction. “No you’re not my charity case, you’re my boyfriend!”

The words leave his mouth involuntarily. It’s far too late to take them back now, the words up in the air and there for anyone to hear. 

“You’re not my boyfriend.” It’s how he spoke with such surety and straightforwardness that it almost forbade argumentativeness. 

Almost.

“We’re not?” 

Taehyung swallows, though his expression remains the same bleak one from this morning. “We’re not.” 

The confirmation hurts, a part of Jeongguk had pondered over what they are, having never confirmed it with each other or put an official title on it. But then he remembers everything they’ve shared, every conversation that’s passed between them, the feelings, the looks. None of that could’ve been fake, could it? Jeongguk refuses to believe so. 

“Then what are we?” Jeongguk crosses his arms, a notion to hide the underlying vulnerability within his voice.

For a while, or maybe it just seems like an agonising while for Jeongguk, Taehyung stays silent. Looking at everything but him. This is all suddenly too much, and not how he imagined this conversation going. He was hoping, a cruel part of him that allowed Jeongguk to hope, that they could come to some understanding. That if they just talked, Taehyung would explain the sudden change of persona, the distant man he’s suddenly become. But that all seems like a far reality now. 

Every second that passes is another piece of Jeongguk slowly losing his resolve. 

“Nothing.”

Jeongguks caught in disbelief. “You don’t mean that.” He says, his throat tightening immensely. His voice deep, it comes out cracked and broken, something Jeongguk never intended to happen, since we wanted to contain a composed demeanour. Without knowing it, Jeongguk’s already moving towards him in fairly fast steps. Taehyung, with not much space left to back up, remains where he stands, still refusing to look at him. 

Jeongguk reaches out, lightly grasping Taehyung's hand. The elder allows him, doesn't flinch back immediately like he expected. For a moment, Jeongguk’s filled with that same hope from earlier. But that hope vanishes as soon as Taehyung detaches his grip with his spare hand. The notion is so painful Jeongguk almost feels ice from the loss of contact. No matter how gentle Taehyung pulled his hand from his, it still hurts. “If this is about you not sleeping-” 

“Oh, fuck off.”

“-I just want you to get help.”

Taehyung’s frown is dark, scary even. “I don’t fucking need help, there’s nothing wrong with me.” He spits, looking nothing but livid, a look Jeongguk never imagined he’d be on the receiving end of. 

“I didn’t mean that, I’m concerned and what’s happening to you shouldn’t be. Taehyung, it’s not-“

“Normal.” Taehyung finishes.

_ Shit _ .

Jeongguk registers his words far too late. Realising how bad that came across, practically calling him an anomaly, someone who’s different and badly disturbed when that isn’t what he meant. 

“I’m not normal, I’m quite fucked actually. But thanks for the obvious observation.”

“I didn’t mean-“

“Forget it, I don’t need help so there’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine!”

Jeongguk’s so frustrated he could cry, it’s like trying to convince a child that chocolate is bad for you. No matter what you say and suggest, the child will alway rebel and protest, won’t ever listen. Jeongguk supposes it’s unfair for him to compare this argument with that of a child, because he’s not a spoilt child who’s had it easy. In fact, Taehyung’s had to go through the unsteady hardship that was his childhood, likely growing up without pleasantries such as chocolate and sweets. 

But then Jeongguk is reminded of that hardship and how he’s never had much of a childhood, thus not getting to experience the joy of being a child. Taehyung is grown up, in ways he shouldn’t have to be from such a young age, so he doesn’t know much better than this. However, there’s many ways where Taehyung has never grown up, or rather, he’s finally experiencing that type of childish fun he was neglected and deprived from as a kid. Take racing for example, Taehyung’s one of the few people who actually races for the pure joy of racing, getting that joyous adrenaline rush that he never experienced. It’s all this built up energy he could never express, only ever beaten down and left to feel unwanted and mournful. 

Even now, Taehyung refuses to get the help he obviously needs, refuses to admit that what he’s going through isn’t good for him. Taehyung's stubborn like that, Jeongguk was aware of this from the beginning. What he wasn’t aware of, was the clouded rage to follow in his stubbornness. He’s been deprived of that care and love at a tender age, having to fend for himself and no one to rely on. Lack of care leads to lack of trust, only ever relying on himself. Jeongguk feels immensely grateful Taehyung trusted him enough to open up the way he did, venturing into his life with open arms. But he’s being pushed away now, having done nothing to betray his trust. “Taehyung, I like you-“

“Stop.” Taehyung grits through his teeth.

“-and I think you know just how much-“

“Stop.” He repeats, voice sterner. 

“-so you can’t tell me that everything we’ve shared was nothing. Taehyung, I-“

“Just shut the fuck up!” Taehyung finally snaps. A kettle boiling to its peak. He yells so loudly that Jeongguk actually physically jumps, his words coming to an abrupt end. Taehyung offers him a glare, mouth twisted, his eyes unrecognisable to him, filled with nothing but resentment and it makes Jeongguk feel cold, broken. “You don’t know shit! It was all just a bit of fun.” He actually shivers in displeasure, like running ice over his prominent spine. “It’s about control- has always been about control. My old partners, both men and women… you.”

Jeongguk struggles to resist the urge at opening his mouth, the words forcing their way into his brain at an abrupt speed. “So don’t trust me, don’t mistake what we shared as anything more than me using you for my own entertainment.” Jeongguk’s breathing heavily, an attempt to regain the breathlessness he feels. “The funny thing is, you’ve known this about me from the start, everyone had warned you. Yet, you stayed.”

“That’s not true.” Despite how confident Jeongguk thinks he feels, his voice comes out uncertain, and Taehyung instantly recognises his mistake. 

“It is, and you know it. It was fun, getting you to explore your sexuality through me, see you become this flushing mess.” 

“I won’t believe that. What about everything we’ve shared? Your sleeping… you can’t tell me that was all just for a fuck.” Jeongguk states, firm. 

There’s a sigh. “Having other people beside me helps.”  _ That’s a lie.  _ Taehyung has already told him it’s worse when he sleeps next to others, so why lie now when it’s so obvious? Why take this away from him. 

“But I used you, I don’t need you anymore.” Jeongguk instantly thinks of that fire, no longer feeling warm and comfortable. Instead he’s burning, heating up where it becomes too unbearable. 

“You said only me,  _ only me _ .”

“We were having sex, it was all talk. I meant nothing by it.” Taehyung responds lightly, shrugging. Jeongguk doesn’t bother protesting, explaining how it wasn’t just because of the sex. Taehyung said it before that point, had said it as a means for Jeongguk to understand his feelings. Taehyung  _ meant _ it, Jeongguk knows he did. But if Taehyung’s this stern in feigning his feelings, acting as if those small words didn’t mean anything, then Jeongguk won’t bother trying to correct him. For Taehyung to put this much effort into pushing Jeongguk away, he may just let him. 

Taehyung exhales a long, tired sigh. “Can’t you see? I’m no good for you, I’m not what you want and won’t ever be. I use people, Jeongguk. You were just one of them.” 

Jeongguk breaks, the pain unbearable. Yet, he doesn’t cry, not yet. He still doesn’t believe him, just can’t believe him. “You’re wrong, you can’t decide what I do and don’t want. I admit, I realised at the beginning it was fun for you to mess with me, perfectly knowing I was struggling in finding my sexual preference-“

Taehyung tuts, loud. The noise actually forces Jeongguk to cut himself off for a second. “But I won’t believe this was all pointless to you. Was all for nothi-“

“Would you stop being so fucking naive! I’m right here,  _ telling _ you it was nothing, so believe it, kid.” Jeongguk feels physically stricken by the sharp words. Taehyung never calls him ‘kid’ unless he’s being

playful, never in a serious discussion. He feels so degraded. “Then again, you’ve always been naive, haven’t you? You should stop worrying about me and start worrying about your brother who abandoned you, your parents who neglected you!”

Jeongguk freezes, blood running cold. It’s like a punch in the face, only it’s worse. This is something much sharper, like being stabbed, only Jeongguk wonders if that would hurt less than this sudden pain. There’s a certain limit to how much someone can betray your trust, hurt you. Never did Jeongguk imagine Taehyung would reach that limit. Taehyung doesn’t notice Jeongguk’s tense expression, he continues talking as he looks anywhere but at Jeongguk. 

“Y’know, the same people you’re too  _ naive _ to believe, too  _ naive _ to trust despite them betraying you.” Suddenly, Jeongguk’s aware that this isn’t just about  _ his _ family anymore, yet it still feels personal. Taehyung looks nothing if not livid, his vision clouded by rage. “You should grow up, learn to speak for yourself and not let people use you like I so easily did. You should-“

Taehyung stops at Jeongguk’s rather large intake of breath. “Is that what you really think?” Jeongguk intended to ask that angrily, show Taehyung his hot, boiling rage, only he doesn’t feel any of that, just heartbroken. His voice comes out in a whisper, cracking at the end. 

The other meets his gaze then, the earlier rage gone, instead replaced by something softer, something similar to remorse perhaps. Taehyung curses and Jeongguk takes a rather large step back, afraid Taehyung will continue on with his billowing rage. “Jeongguk, I-” 

He’s shaking his head, frowning with all the hurt he feels. “No, you must do.” Jeongguk says it to himself more so than to Taehyung. He realises that maybe Taehyung is right, he is naive in believing all the lies that’s surrounded him. There was a period of time where Namjoon did just up and leave, forgetting about Jeongguk even after their parents left. It’s not until their grandma had died that Namjoon took him in, but he may as well have been a different man. Jeongguk’s not mad, he knows his brother cares for him, has always been protective. Maybe he should be mad, but he’s not. 

His parents… well, they’ve always been distant. A part of Jeongguk has always known there was no love between his parents. But both his parents and Namjoon alike, he’s easily turned a blind eye to everything, pretending it doesn’t exist and everything is fine. So yes, maybe Taehyung is right, he is naive for thinking forgetting it simply eliminates its existence.

“Guk, I didn’t mean that.” Jeongguk frowns, pissed off that Taehyung’s now finally calling him by a nickname rather than his full name in that cheapened way like he did so earlier. As if he’s being spoken down to like a stupid child rather than someone who’s a mere few years younger. 

“You did.” Jeongguk states and Taehyung shuts up. 

The other runs his fingers through his already messed up hair, strands sticking up in all sorts of directions. In any other situation, Jeongguk would ponder the question of how one man can still maintain looks like his despite such a rough night. But he doesn’t think about that right now, it’s far too inappropriate when Taehyung’s hurt him like he has. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Jeongguk looks away, clenches his jaw. He’s unable to respond, his mind ringing with the hurt and need to leave. “Please, I-“ Taehyung moves a step forward, Jeongguk doesn’t move even as Taehyung brushes his fingers delicately through a few strands of overgrown hair. Neatly tucking it behind his ear. It’s weirdly domestic and affectionate, it’s all the more reason why it hurts Jeongguk even more. 

Deep down, Jeongguk knows this argument runs deeper than just a few angry words said in the heat of the moment. He knows Taehyung means them, even if he did say them to spare Jeongguk from the same heartache Taehyung went through. His brother had left him too, and that hurt Taehyung, Jeongguk’s aware. But he still meant them, and that hurts. It’s the fact that Taehyung practically knows nearly everything about him, yet he still made a passing judgment. Not like a stranger who can judge him on purely his demeanour, their opinion would mean nothing. But Taehyung, someone who knows almost everything… Yeah, that’s entirely different.

Very carefully, Jeongguk retracts Taehyung's extended hand from his hair, the familiar feeling no longer soothing as it once was. Taehyung doesn’t protest against the rejection, though his hand does linger for longer than deemed needed. For the first time, Jeongguk doesn’t know what to believe anymore. As much as it hurts, he’s beginning to think Taehyung's confession is true, maybe he did use him, had never truly liked him. Everything they’ve shared… maybe it was all in Jeonnguk’s head, maybe he’s concocted scenarios that didn’t exist. 

“You’re right, I am naive to trust people so easily.” Jeongguk swallows, still fighting the strong urge to cry. “I-I can be annoying, demanding, I pried a lot into your life and I’m sorry. It was silly of me to think my feelings were reciprocated.” 

Taehyungs shaking his head, frowning. “That not what I said-“

“It's what you think.” Taehyung continues to shake his head, looking almost desperate. The look makes Jeongguk break, his eyes watering at the realisation of everything. Jeongguk’s never had a heartbreak before, and if this is what it feels like then how do people manage to put themselves back out there? Knowing that this feeling could happen again. He just doesn’t understand, because surely this pain would scar you enough to never fall for someone again. It’s definitely scarred Jeongguk. 

“You’re not annoying. Jeongguk, you’re so  _ good _ , far too good for me.”

“Don’t lie, just tell me the truth… have you ever had feelings for me? Or was I just convenient for a while?”

Taehyung stares at him for a few seconds, still looking desperate until he schools his features slightly. Though, Jeongguk doesn’t miss the swallow, Taehyung's expression still lingering on remorse despite his best attempt at hiding such vulnerable emotions. Still, Jeongguk doesn't feel flattered, it annoys him more than anything. Jeongguk looks away, the sound of his heart racing rings in his ears as silence descends. His stomach is doing so many flips that he almost wants to scream for Taehyung to answer so this anticipating feeling will leave. 

“Convenience.” 

It’s funny what a single word could do, leaving such a lasting affect. 

A tear, despite Jeongguk’s best efforts, does escape. It’s small, barely has a chance to roll down his face before he’s wiping it away. He straightens his posture, chuckles half heartedly as he glances down at the now wet spot on his hand.

“Okay.” Jeongguk whispers, turning his back on Taehyung before he can say anything else. He knows that any second now he’ll break, but he can’t do that now, not yet. 

“Jeongguk…” Taehyung whispers but Jeongguk doesn’t hear, his mind ringing with the realisation that this is actually over. Whatever this was, it’s finished. The ignorant part of Jeongguk that allowed himself to dream, to think they were something more than just men messing around. Looking back, Jeongguk realises just how far away his dream was because how could someone like Taehyung like him? He loves everything there is about Taehyung, he’s perfect in ways he could never truly explain. How could he not fall for him? But Jeongguk… he feels colourless against Taehyung’s vibrancy. 

That’s the thing about a heartache, it leaves you questioning everything. What he could've done better, what he should’ve said, what he shouldn’t have said. It all plays in his mind like a tune that won’t leave, only this is more annoying. Because unlike a song, Jeongguk can’t truly get rid of it simply by listening to another song. This is here to stay because Jeongguk won’t ever truly know what could’ve been.

Jeongguk almost allows himself another tear to fall as he opens the door, but immediately holds his emotions in once he realises he’s not alone. Jimin and Yoongi stand behind the door, looking nothing if not startled to see him. Yoongi’s hand remains outstretched with keys hanging loosely between his fingers.

“Hey, Guk-“ Jimin greets, rather confused as he observes the situation. Jeongguk no doubt has red and puffy eyes. At some point Taehyung must’ve advanced towards the door since Jimin’s eyes flicker behind him, focusing on Taehyung. But Jeongguk doesn’t look back. Instead he smiles, an attempt at hiding the turmoil thrumming through his head. He doesn’t want them to worry, rather, he doesn’t want to have to explain. Jeongguk just wants to be alone right now. 

So instead he smiles and leaves, ignoring the questionable looks sent his way. He hears someone whisper “what the fuck,” but Jeongguk ignores that too. 

He takes a deep breath and turns around. Melancholic waves command Jeongguk’s body to a halt, to stop wanting, to stop breathing, to just...

Stop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another depressing one for you guys.  
> We’re getting so close to the end now, I can’t believe it’s almost been a year... crazy.  
> I haven’t got much to say to this chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it all the same.  
> Let me know what you think in the comments, I loveeee everyone’s feedback.  
> Really... that shit honestly makes my day, when I get a new comment I get so excited.   
> As always, kudos and comments keep an author alive~  
> Thanks again for everyone’s love for this, it means the world.  
> See ya in the next one lovely’s x
> 
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)   
> If anyone wants to chat ^


	12. XII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paranoia seeps into his system, causing his heartbeat to race. Taehyung strides, taking faster steps home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to alarm anyone or anything, but the last chapter is the last...
> 
> (ᗒᗣᗕ)

**[4:05] Jackson:** _you coming out tonight?_

Taehyung stares at his phone from where he sits, body numb and aching, hunched over the side of the tub. He’s been sick all morning, his stomaching churning gut-wrenchingly. Water drips from the front strands of his hair, his towel too far to reach to dry it. 

After his rough morning, Taehyung opted for a bath, (if you can even call in that.) It’s more like Taehyung immersed himself into some freezing water, prickling and burning his skin like mixing ice and salt would. It’s why he’s shivering so violently now, or maybe he’s always been doing that? 

After spending a skin wrinkling time in the bath, Taehyung climbs out rather sluggishly, reaching for his discarded phone as he does. Though, that queasiness feeling returns, his head violently pulsing. 

It’s how he finds himself on the cold bathroom floor now, a puddle of water surrounding him. Taehyung's phone light doesn’t help his raging headache, no matter how much he turns the brightness down. 

With his eyes closed, Taehyung scurries towards the toilet from the force of his bile. It’s the millionth time he’s been sick today and that’s not including the endless night he’s spent hurling until his body shakes and chocks from the force. Taehyung knows what he’s doing to his body is bad, that it’s rejecting everything he’s forcing down, but he can’t find himself to quite care. He’ll happily take the misfortune of an extravagant hangover over the vivid images that’s taken home in his mind. 

After being done with throwing up, Taehyung reaches for the handle, flushing the remains of his bodily fluids. 

Taehyung can’t even remember the last times he’s eaten an actual meal, but the thought does nothing but turn his stomach to a side of unease rather than triggering hunger. Food doesn’t appeal to him, not when he has substitutes that’ll make him float, ease his mind into a calm, light thought. That’s much better than thinking of his dead father, another relative gone, another death on Taehyung's conscience. 

There’s no grief of loss with his fathers death, if anything it’s an occasion to celebrate, the bastard deserved death and more. But it’s what his father's death brings; a reminder of his past, a reminder of his mistakes. No matter what anyone says, _he_ killed his father, all because he killed his mother. His father got himself into that position all because Taehyung put him there first, _he_ killed their mother first. 

It doesn’t matter if his father deserved it, Taehyung is still a murderer, it doesn’t take away from that fact. Taehyung will have to live with that thought for the rest of his life, knowing he had taken lives, innocent or not. 

From the beginning of his fragile life, Taehyung’s been groomed to believe he’s nothing but a mistake, a walking pile of shit, someone who causes nothing but problems, a dent in the family. He’s the reason his father beat him, why he’d take his anger out on everyone. It was his fault, it’s why his father never wanted him, why his brother never wanted him, why Yoongi no longer wants him, Jeongguk...

Jeongguk was too close in becoming someone who shared the same amount of care as Taehyung's mother once did. He was becoming someone Taehyung loved almost _more._ The affection and honest care, a solid, _real_ relationship Jeongguk was providing… it seemed to hurt more than the bruises his father used to inflict, the bone-breaking beatings he’d have to endure.

The last time someone cared for Taehyung, they died. 

He can’t care for Jeongguk, and Jeongguk can’t care for him.

With heavy limbs, Taehyung settles back beside the tub, bare ass freezing from the soaked floor. He finds his phone discarded off to the side, likely the cause from when he leaped for the toilet. 

Taehyung responds to Jackson with a simple ‘yeah’, not having to think as his fingers dart across his screen to type out the reply. Jackson doesn’t need to ask, Taehyung’s been out pretty much every night for the past few days, hence the deathly hangover this morning. The nights consist of never ending partying, constant highs and laughs. It’s an escape, Taehyung isn’t as ignorant to think it’s anything more than just an escape. The coke, the alcohol, it all just aids in his high, all just aids in numbing his memories, his visions, the voices.

Taehyungs so sick of hearing his fathers voice, a constant reminder of the man despite his sudden death. If anything, the man’s been around more so than ever, has been haunting Taehyung with every waking moment. 

There’s some nights, not often, that Taehyung will wake up so suddenly, sweating and panting as his back protests against the uncomfortable floor. His father will be gazing darkly down on him, they wouldn’t talk, just stare. The man is exactly as Taehyung remembers him, eyes dark, hair greasy and teeth yellow. It’s those nights that affect him the most, it’s why he easily agrees to go out tonight. 

Much like the days before, Taehyung once again should be at work. He has been, for the most part, but when night time hits he ditches, excuses himself in favour of getting high. He’s lucky his best friend is technically his boss, otherwise he’d likely be fired on the spot. That’s not to say Yoongi isn't reluctant to watch him go. The elder has been vague in his scolding, but Taehyungs learnt his silence means more than a few cussed out words at Taehyung’s obvious neglect of his responsibilities. There’s a look, one that holds all of the words Yoongi needn't say. 

Yet, there’s sadness there, and Taehyung hates that more. 

_“What did you tell him?”_ Yoongi had asked after witnessing Taehyung's near breakdown. Taehyung did everything in his power not to cry, how can he cry over the loss of someone he never had in the first place. Jimin stood by in utter confusement, though Taehyung supposed that’s only fair since the other had been kept out of the loop. Only Yoongi knows of his need to push Jeongguk away, to protect him from himself. 

_“The truth._ ” Taehyung had answered, only confusing Jimin further. 

_“But it wasn’t the truth, was it.”_ Yoongi was always good at reading him, though Taehyung's reluctant to admit so. No matter how much he had tried, Yoongi was able to see the truth behind his lies. The thing is, he did like Jeongguk, really like Jeongguk for that matter, despite his initial intentions to mess with the younger to begin with 

_“No, it used to be, at the start. But not anymore, I really like him, need him, which is why I had to let him go.”_ Yoongi didn’t say anything after that, not for a while, not whilst Jimin was there. 

It wasn’t until Jimin went home the next morning that Yoongi continued the conversation. 

_“I won’t tell you what you need to do, you should learn from your own mistakes now. I’m done babying you, I’m done telling you what’s right and wrong. Taehyung, I love you like a brother, but I can’t keep watching you destroy yourself like this. I’ve come to learn that it doesn’t matter what I say, what advice I give you, you’ll never listen. So for now, you need to learn for your own. If you love Jeongguk, then fight for him rather than push him away. Don’t keep thinking you’re undeserving of love, because you’re not, you have mine.”_

And like with anyone else who tried to care for Taehyung, he pushed him away. That’s how they ended up having an argument afterwards, Taehyung inevitably being an asshole. It’s likely why Yoongi hasn’t bothered to scold him for skipping out on work, that plus his earlier statement. But Yoongi hasn’t uttered a word to him since the argument, since the elder openly admits he loves him - a brotherly love of course.

It’s safe to say Taehyung was in an even fouler mood that night. A few tears fall unbidden at the thought, the liquid getting lost with the rest of the water. He’s violently crying, something Taehyung sworn to stop - he’s cried far too many times as a child to do so now. But he can’t help it, the tears just fall and fall uncontrollably to the point where he’s shaking with the force.

Yoongi got one thing right, it doesn’t matter what he says, Taehyung just won’t listen. His friend will never understand how Taehyung’s the bad guy in this story, he doesn’t realise he’s the virus spreading with no care for the people he loves, the only way to protect them is to contain the virus.

That’s how he ended up at yet another house party, alcohol taking over his system. Taehyung doesn’t have much care for the music, the people he’s with. Hell, he doesn’t even know whose house this fucking is, only knows that it’s huge. He’s only here for the free alcohol and the stash of coke Jackson provides. 

Taehyung's kind of bored, despite his friends having a good time, he just can’t. Taehyung debated calling Yoongi to join him but laughs at the ridiculous thought like a mad man. Maybe, by some unforeseen miracle, Yoongi will call him first, read his mind and tell him everything is okay. A part of Taehyung, the selfish and undeserving part, wants for Yoongi to comfort him. Taehyung won’t admit it, but he doesn’t want _this_. He doesn’t want the party’s and highs, but it’s the only way to forget. 

After _that_ night, Taehyung's brother has nonstop been calling, texting. But he refuses to open them, has blocked his number. What use is it anyway? Juwon is only contacting to tell him the fault is his, that it was Taehyung's doings. Their father is dead because of _him_. 

With a burst of adrenaline, Taehyung considers calling Jeongguk, his thumb hovering over the icon. But it was only a spark of interest before it dies, realisation hitting him instantly, Jeongguk hasn’t called or text since, the only person he wants to talk to right now hasn’t contacted him.

_That’s because you’ve pushed him away._

An unhelpful part of his brain provides.

Snogging a few faces off some girls doesn’t help like he thought it would. It’s sloppy and gross, Taehyungs quick to pull away each time, vigorously rubbing the remains of their overly bright lipstick off. In the end he settles for a new tactic, one that entails his hand around some blonds hair, pulling roughly at her high ponytail that his tight grip likely burns. 

The nameless girls gagging and slurping on his cock, not in an arousing way either. Taehyung doesn't remember how he ended up in a dirtied bathroom, toilet paper and piss all over the floor. The place reeks of puke, it does nothing to help his barley there hard on. He must’ve blacked out at one point, so fucked that it’s now a lot later in the evening. Taehyung takes control of her motions, closes his eyes and tries to picture something else.

Bad idea. He’s instantly brought back to a memory he holds too deeply to admit, one he doesn’t want tainted by the hideousness of tonight. Jeongguk would make him feel so good, so alive. His inexperienced hands and mouth, his moans. It’s not the action but the person that makes Taehyung hard, Jeongguk makes him so hard. 

Their relationship is not just about that. Taehyung enjoys the calmer, more innocent side of their relationship. The late night talks about anything, the stories they’d share. Jeongguk would show him pictures of himself when he was younger, family trips, Namjoon.

They’d also have their serious conversations, ones Taehyung doesn’t disclose lightly. He misses it all, the sudden need to cry suddenly becomes too overbearing.

He shuts that down fast, forcing himself to think of more arousing thoughts. 

“Ah!-“ Frustrated, Taehyung yanks the nameless girl off his now fully deflated dick. He’s furious, can’t even get a good orgasm anymore without having to _fucking_ _think_. He’s tucking his disgustingly slobbered dick away in the confines of his jeans, zipping them up with more force than needed. The girly looks highly offended, makeup clearly smudged from this view. 

Taehyung doesn’t say a word as he storms out the bathroom, not glancing at the girl he left once. He suddenly needs a fag, a craving hes deprived himself for a while, instead replacing it with alcohol. There’s no need to step outside, but Taehyung does so anyway, lighting his well needed cigarette up in the warmth of the night. 

“Wa’s good?” Taehyung snaps his head in some random mans direction. It’s safe to say he doesn’t know this man, despite the nameless guy looking at him with familiarity. 

“Do I know you?”

The guy only grins further, teeth crooked. “Nah man, but y’know Jackson.” 

Taehyung doesn’t offer a response, taking more drags as he just stares at the man, waiting for the other to spill what he wants. “You look bored.” Taehyung scoffs at the man's obvious obligation, only raising an eyebrow in response. 

“Hey, Youngjae!” Jackson suddenly comes up behind his friend, slapping him on the back. There’s a few other nameless faces but Taehyung can easily work out they’re more of Jackson’s friends. “Was ‘bout t’ 

head out, you coming?” Yongjae nods his head once before looking at Taehyung.

“What about you, you wanna join?”

_No_.

“Yeah, why not.” 

The first bar they end up in is like any other ratted old bar, the type you know is full of scumbags, people who are looking to get their dick wet and high. It’s the perfect scene for Taehyung to do something destructive. He’s quick to learn Jackson’s friends are assholes, Youngjae alright in comparison, but the rest are just dicks. They’re the type of people who’d roofie a girl given the chance. Taehyung hasn’t cared to remember their names, only that they're providing the good cocaine, not the cut shit either. So he’ll suck it up, anyone’s good company when you’re high. 

“What’s up with you?” Youngjae ask after Taehyung takes another double shot of straight vodka. He finds the strong taste eventually dies after a few shots, numbing his mouth and making the whole process easier. 

Taehyung's shrugs. “Don’t think he’s seen a good pussy all night so he’s probably sulking.” One of their friends comments whilst staring pervertedly at one of the girls close to the bar. 

“Nah, this kids infatuated over some pretty faced boy.” Jackson unhelpfully corrects. 

“Wait-“ the stranger snaps his head in their direction, girl forgotten. “I didn’t realise you’re a faggot.”

“Can’t be, I’ve seen him with his fair share of women t’night.” Youngjae says, Taehyung just rolls his eyes at the conversation, so uninterested in what they call him. He doesn’t bother explaining he likes both, a fucks a fuck, but we all know that isn’t the case anymore. Taehyung doesn’t know how he’s going to get back in the game of seducing partners only to break it off after a week or so, not after Jeongguk’s been in his life. Taehyung doesn’t even know if he wants to at all after everything.

Jackson has the decency to look slightly shocked, eyeing Taehyung for confirmation. He just shrugs as an answer. “What happened to- Joon’s brother?” 

Taehyung’s grip tightens increasingly over his glass, blunt nails digging into his drink and making a harsh sound. One that’ll put your teeth on edge. The mention of Jeongguk makes Taehyung freeze up, it hurts. It’s the kind of aching, heart wrenching pain that burns every time someone mentions his name. Luckily Jackson refrained from doing so, but it still burns all the same.

Losing Jeongguk, pushing him away… It’s the kind of pain that Taehyung saw coming, but it’s like a punch to the stomach; no matter how much he prepares himself, it’d still hurt anyway. 

“Was nothin’” Taehyung aims for nonchalance, wanting to desperately change the subject. Jackson gives him a dubious look but keeps quiet, something Taehyung's immensely grateful for. 

Youngjae pulls out a little plastic baggy from his coat jacket, feigning a cool demeanour as he knocks his head in the direction of the bathroom suggestively. They all huddle in one stall, cramped. All except Jackson who stands out as a lookout, just in case. They make quick work on lining the white substance up in a rough line, snorting a few at a time. 

The night continues on like this, going from club to club, drinking here and there. Taehyung doesn’t associate with these people, except

for Jackson. They’re rather brutal, not the type to play games with this shit. They’re surprisingly a good match for Taehyung, taking the same dosage as he. 

They’re a few lines in by the time they come to their third club, the drugs fully settled in Taehyung's system by now. He’s at that good kind of high, it's the kind of mind numbing, euphoria that has him downing alcohol like he doesn’t taste it. He doesn’t, not at all.

Jackson’s on the dance floor, grinding up against some chick that’s not that great to look at. Or maybe that’s just Taehyung's tainted vision, eyes bleary from the alcohol. Is he spinning? He can’t tell. He looks back after a second only to see Jackson sloppily making out with that girl. Taehyung, along with the others, scrunch their face up when Jackson moves off with the girl to somewhere their eyes can’t reach, knowing Jackson will likely regret that in the morning. 

Youngjae looks to him and chuckles, muttering _‘twat’_ under his breath teasingly. Taehyung cracks his first smile that night, finding his light head aiding him in that action. 

He’s slowly forgetting his worries, even if it is just for a little while. He doesn’t see his father, his brother, his mother. The faces, they don’t exist right now. None of that matters. Taehyung doesn’t have to worry about how he’s hurting Yoongi, the first person who’s truly cared for him, after his mother of course. He doesn’t have to worry what the others will think after they find out Taehyung's true colours, what he’s done. He doesn’t have to worry about all the peoples he’s manipulated into fallen for him, only for Taehyung to use them and ditch them later. 

Taehgung doesn’t have to worry about Jeongguk and what he now thinks of him, how he’s pushed him away like everyone else. He doesn’t have to worry about the excruciating pain that comes with shutting Jeongguk out, losing that one person he opened up to. He doesn’t have to worry because he doesn’t have to think about it, not when alcohol and cocaine is high in his system, numbing every thought. 

So he has fun, orders more drinks. The bartender gives him a dubious look but doesn’t say anything. How can he? They’re technically paying his wages. 

Jackson comes back with an all knowing smile, the boys wolf whistling and cat calling him over. Jackson downs Youngjae's drink like a champ, much to Youngjae’s protest. “I need a fag.” Jackson announces with a pleased sigh, Taehyung could do with a cigarette about now, so he gets up and walks the short distance to the toilets. 

They’re quick to light their cigarettes, Taehyung plucking one from Jackson’s pack and lighting it with his basic plastic spark-wheel lighter. Taehyung inhales the smoke deep into his lungs, holding it there for a breath longer than considered safe. But he doesn’t care, nothing matters right now. 

Jackson follows his lead, leaning against the tiled wall. “You good, man?” He utters with his freshly lit cig between his lips. 

_No_.

No matter how high and fucked he is, the sadness still lingers. He can feel it, like a constant weight. “Fuckin’ beautiful.” Jackson stares for a second longer than normal but eventually smiles, pulling his finished cig from his mouth and stomping it out on the bathroom floor. 

“Wa’s up, bitches.” Youngjoe announces his entrances suddenly, his friends coming in behind him. “Where’s our invite?” Youngjae teases, making quick work in laying another line out on the counter beside the sink. It’s disgusting and very unhygienic, but Taehyung doesn’t care. He’s not sure who locked the door but he hears a shake of metal then a click, and that’s enough for Taehyung to begin rolling up a note before snorting. The lines longer, thicker, the more fucked they become the less they care about accuracy.

The rush is so much better than any he's had in a long time, nothing compares to the cheap cut shit that’s mixed with other harmful substances. When the effect hits him, Taehyung feels like he’s on cloud nine, high above everyone. 

From this point on, the rest of the night is pretty much a blur. So when Taehyung wakes up with the sudden urge to hurl, his stomach contracting aggressively with the force, eyes blearily and barely able to focus as he takes in his surroundings, he doesn’t have any recollection of any of it. 

Taehyung’s in a bath, that much is clear, his body curled in an almost fragile position. He _feels_ fragile with how much his body aches. When he sits up, it’s like an automatic switch for the bile to rise, hurling dark brown liquid over the side of the tub. 

Blinking once, Taehyung tries to take in his surroundings, only to gather enough information to realise he’s in the bathroom - the bathtub really should’ve been his first clue. His shirt is soaked through with sweat, sticking to his skin. Taehyung can’t help the groan that escapes, a deep sound coming from the back of his throat. His head feels like it’s been split in half, like someone has actually reached inside and messed with something they shouldn’t have messed with. With unsteady hands, Taehyung moves to groan further into his hands, desperately wishing this headache would subside. 

His hair is damp, greasy with dirt and sick chucked in the mix. The sudden urge to throw again is almost overwhelming. It’s what urges Taehyung to rise from his position, rolling out of the tub and careful not to step on his earlier sick. 

What greets him is a sight that brings back that sickening feeling, his eyes roaming around the place in disbelief. The boys lay almost lifeless on the dirtied floor, Taehyung would actually announce them dead if it wasn’t for the odd twist and groan coming from them. The dark brown walls stained from liquor and piss, looking like shit. Taehyung’s pretty certain there is shit stains there. What surrounds them is empty bottles, some smashed and others abandoned. There are so many of them, Taehyung doesn’t even remember drinking a quarter of that. The ceiling fan turns in small, dusting circles, doing nothing to cool Taehyung's overheated skin. He fears if he was to glance up at the fan, Taehyung's head would begin spinning in sync with its swirls.

The furniture has been discarded, abused and recked. Taehyung doesn’t have a fucking clue what’s happened here last night, he has no recollection of anything after their third club. He walks unsteadily through the heaps of mess on the floor, tripping up on some discarded bottles, steadying himself before he falls. Taehyung scrunches his face at the sound, not only because of his headache but out of fear of waking the others. He wants to sneak out as quietly and as quickly as possible. An old cigarette bud gets stuck on the bottom of his feat, having to scrape it off with his other foot, balancing skillfully. 

The bulb above him provides barely any light, flickering constantly. The place smells of heat, sick and other scents Taehyung doesn’t want to even think about. He stops for a second to regain his bearings, his vision blurring for a moment before he’s able to move again. Taehyung finds his hoodie cast aside amongst the junk on the floor, luckily clean enough for him to wear. A large bug comes out of nowhere, possibly a beetle. It runs across the armchair, it’s many legs scattering quickly before disappearing. Taehyung shivers. 

There’s no socks on his feet, but Taehyung doesn’t care enough to find them, shoving his bare feet into his shoe and leaving. The fresh air slightly helps. The heat, on the other hand, makes him feel worse. 

Luckily enough, Taehyung recognises the area, having been near these streets enough times to know he’s not far from his apartment. He probably crashed at one of the guys apartment, not remembering who’s. The area is dodgy enough so it’s plausible. 

Taehyung walks the seemingly endless journey to his apartment, or maybe it just feels like it’s endless. He craves a cold shower, almost like he’s washing the night away. Though Taehyung knows he’s more than likely going to repeat it all again later. 

The night served its purpose, not a bad memory or hallucination in sight. But that was last night, that’s no longer the case now. The guilt is heavy, overbearing. All Taehyung does now is _feel_ , feel every emotion there is possible. Guilt, shame, loss, Taehyung feels it all. It all hangs heavily over his head, only this time it’s stronger, the voices louder. He hates this part, when the alcohol wears off and all the bad comes rushing back. 

He’s squinting in the harsh morning light, pulling his hoodie further over his head in hope to shield the sun. Taehyung’s whole body aches, screaming at him to stop moving. Rather than stopping, Taehyung grits his teeth through the pain and continues on walking. 

Much to Taehyung's distress, he can't stop his mind from wandering to Jeongguk, wondering what he’s doing. He left someone who clearly liked him despite his many unforgivable faults. He left Jeongguk out of fear. 

Fear, it’s an incredibly powerful influence, a demon in disguise, a demon that goes by the name of Taehyung. He left Jeongguk to protect him from himself, how can he even think to protect someone when he can’t even protect himself. 

So he’s gone, let him go for good. It needed but a simple lie, a twist of the truth. Then Jeongguk was gone, believing everything Taehyung had told him. There’s no questioning what Taehyung felt- _feels_ for the younger, that part he manipulated so Jeongguk would believe it was all fake feelings. But the rest was true, one way or another Taehyung would drive Jeongguk away, hurt him, he was just delaying the inevitable. Maybe parts of it was true at the beginning, but that no longer became his objective.

_Worthless_.

His father's endless voice rings in ears, he can almost smell the alcohol coming from his breath. Or maybe the smell is coming from Taehyung. 

_Like father, like son_. 

There’s this uncomfortable feeling, a chill running down his back. It’s not unusual for Taehyung to feel his father’s presence, the man always lingers in his mind, but he can’t shake the feeling that someone’s following him. It’s with this feeling that Taehyung finds himself glancing behind him, envisioning a figure but finds nothing. He tries to shake the feeling, realising it’s likely his mind playing tricks, a slow torture. 

It’s not until he reaches closer to home that the feeling intensifies. It’s like a constant itch, one that he can’t scratch. Taehyung's head snaps back at a rather loud pang, as if someone’s collided with metal. His eyes linger on an area in which the sound could have come from but finds nothing. Paranoia seeps into his system, causing his heartbeat to race. Taehyung strides, taking faster steps home. 

He can’t help but fear his father has come back to haunt him, finally taking form into the monster Taehyung dreams of. There’s sweat suddenly dripping from his forehead out of fear, last night's events not aiding in his sudden overheated body. A result from the lasting effects of alcohol. Maybe his nightmares are finally becoming a reality. Taehyung has dreamt of something similar, a dream parallel to this, only it ends with his father looming over his beaten body. There’s vague footsteps in the background, not something you’d expect to hear in the early hours of the morning, the sun barely up. Taehyung’s breathing stutters with the sudden fear that consumes him, intensifying as he keeps his head straight in terror. 

_Worthless_.

_A mistake._

If he’s right, and this reality corresponds with his dreams, then it won’t be long until the voices reveal itself as his father, the person he fears more than himself. 

A shadow begins to form, barely visible in the morning sun, but Taehyung can still make it out as a figure, slowly looming over him. Taehyung’s blood runs cold, shrinking when the shadow doubles in height. This is it, all of his nightmares coming true. This is where his father will appear, whispering, screaming-

“You…” 

Taehyung snaps his head behind him, the dread subsiding after hearing the voice that’s clearly not his fathers. But he’s not quick enough, soon Taehyung finds himself with a fist collided against his jaw, an instant throb taking place.

He groans, staggering back from the impact. Taehyung attempts to gain some balance, only enough to work out who’s attacked him. But he proves too late, another punch landing on his bruised skin, this time colliding with cheek. 

“You thought I wouldn’t come back for you?” Another punch, “after you _humiliated_ me.” A kick to the shin. Taehyung grits through the pain, crouching to hold his now bruised leg, If only to stop the throbbing pain. This time Taehyung looks up, jaw set upon noticing Dongwoo standing before him, looking calm if not for his wild, vengeful eyes. 

“Dong-“

Taehyung is quick to move from the incoming punch, this time leaning away from his fist. In that frozen second where Dongwoo misses, Taehyung takes it upon himself to lunge for the other, punching him straight in the stomach. 

Dongwoo doubles over in pain, gritting his teeth before straightening up as he attempts to dodge another one of Taehyung's attacks. He proves unsuccessful as Taehyung lands another punch, this time connecting with Dongwoo’s jaw. 

A million thoughts are running through Taehyung's mind. He opens his mouth to speak but finds he’s incapable, not knowing what to say as he dodges another assault. Instead of finding reason, he fights, knowing there’s no way he can talk his way out of this one. 

Despite Taehyung’s frail, worn down body, he manages to land a good few painful punches on Dongwoo, enough to make the man stagger back. Taehyung’s head still thumps in tune with his rapid heart, making his concentration falter. His limbs move in protest, having to use any energy he has left in order to get through this fight. Now, the thing is with Dongwoo, is that he’s not one to engage in a fight. So Taehyung uses his lack of combat against him, having been in a few fights himself, Taehyung learns how to really inflict damage. 

What he did take for granted, was his weak body protesting, aching as he strains. Though Taehyung has endured worse, his fathers beatings proved far more lethal, so you could say his tolerance for pain is rather high. 

Dongwoo is holding his nose in agony, the result of a rather lethal punch to the face from Taehyung. After shaking off the pain, Dongwoo ducks, swings, punching Taehyung right in the gut. It takes a few more punches in the same area for Taehyung to topple over in pain, clutching his stomach. 

“Enough!” Dongwoo shouts when Taehyung regains enough strength to lunge for him again, only to stop after hearing his shout. He stands, keeping his back straight despite the throbbing pain, attempting to feign composure. It’s then he notices the other figures emerge from the shadow, Taehyung feels stupid for ever believing Dongwoo came alone, he should’ve known better really. Dongwoo smirks upon noticing Taehyung’s obvious realisation of defeat, knowing he wouldn’t be able to take everyone on, especially in his weakened state. 

Dongwoo abuses Taehyung’s distraction to twist and punch him in the rib, knocking the breath completely out of Taehyung. He must’ve been practicing, Taehyung can’t help but laugh at the thought after gaining enough oxygen. Dongwoo clearly doesn’t take kindly to Taehyung's offensive laugh, finding it insulting, so he punches again, harder. 

It results in Taehyung groaning and clutching his stomach but he doesn’t cease his laughter. “You think ‘s fuckin’ funny?” A punch, “do ya!” 

Dongwoo kicks the side of his knee, knocking Taehyung off kilter and making him fall to the ground rather pathetically. Taehyung would feel shame at falling so easily but he simply doesn’t care, not anymore. He feels no fear, rather, he feels relief at the fact it’s not his father. So he stays on the floor, clutching his leg as it burns, throbs, Taehyung wouldn’t be surprised if it was broken. 

“Look who’s the weak one now,” Dongwoo says as he continues to kick him, blow after blow straight in his gut, Taehyung struggles to hold the contents of his stomach. “All of those times you looked down at me…” another kick, “Now who’s the one lookin’ down.” 

Taehyung makes a point to spit his blood filled mouth in Dongwoo’s direction, landing directly on his polished shoes, an action that proves to show his resentment. “If my uncle was to hear-“

“Grow up, Dongwoo. Your uncle doesn’t give a shit.” Taehyung breathes out the words with a smirk, exhausted. He watches as Dongwoo’s eyes waver, knowing Taehyung has hit too close to home. He continues. “If you were to embarrass him in any way…” Taehyung glances at him from head to toe. “Though you’re an embarrassment in itself-“ 

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence since Dongwoo kicks him again, right in the jaw. It doesn’t wipe the smirk from Taehyung’s face. He feels crazed as he laughs, broken as he hides behind this sadistic humour. Dongwoo must notice this too since he stares at Taehyung in fear, consistently beating him in hope to wipe that creepy smirk from his face. 

A sudden gush of pain jolts throughout Taehyung’s body. His stomach aches from the harsh impact. The alcohol and cocaine still fresh in his system slightly numbs the pain, but not entirely. His body lacks the sleep it needs and the substance it craves. His tongue is soaked with blood. Bruised and winded, with a knee in agony, he grabs Dongwoo’s calf and pulls him to the ground. His head is still pounding, but Taehyung pushes past the pain in favour of making Dongwoo collapse beside him. He brings a fist to Dongwoo’s face, snapping his nose, making a pleasant crunching noise. Further breaking the body part.

They continue like this, wrestling on the burning pavement for a while. Taehyung's skin is hot where the sun seeps through his clothes, sweating constantly. Taehyung ends up straddling the other man, throwing punch after punch at Dongwoo’s face, leaving large gashes not too dissimilar to Taehyung’s own. 

Dongwoo’s friends move forward, ready to pounce and pry him off the other. “Get the fuck back!” He practically spits, surprised to find they actually obey him. 

“Taehyung?-“ 

It happens so fast Taehyung’s head spins. He snaps his head to look at the person who hesitantly calls his name, a far distance call, a boy he doesn’t recognise. Before he can even ponder over how this person knows his name, there’s a sudden sharp pain in his side, one that makes his whole body double over. Taehyung falls backwards, hands shaking at his sides.

Through a blurred vision, Taehyung can still distinguish the horror in the boy’s eyes. Taehyung looks back to Dongwoo and finds a similar expression, disbelief taking over his features.

Then suddenly, it all becomes clear.

Taehyung reaches for his side, his hand damping drastically with a mere touch. The texture is too thick to be anything but blood, Taehyung should’ve realised instantly what had happened. Dongwoo, the coward, has stabbed him. 

The knife remains lodged into his side, the sharp edge digging into his insides. It’s with this thought that Taehyung yanks the knife out, only for his side to pour with more blood. Taehyung falls against the brick wall, clutching his side to stop the flowing stream. His skin runs cold from the horror, or maybe that’s just his loss of blood. 

Then the pain really hits. 

Hot, excruciating pain sinks in. Being stabbed is nothing like Taehyung thought it’d be. The ache has a delayed effect, registering a few seconds later. His body suddenly fails, completely giving out as he falls to the ground. 

It’s like his mind no longer communicates with the rest of his body, everything shutting down.

It now makes sense why Dongwoo’s friends decided to back off, they noticed Dongwoo reach for the pocket knife he cleverly hid. 

_It hurts_

“Fuck- what the fuck did you do?!”

_It all really hurts._

“Shut the fuck up!” Dongwoo shouts, standing in horror as he looks down at the man bleeding out. 

_Fuck_

“Let’s jus’ go, now!” 

_This is how it ends._

“What? We can’t jus’ leave him here, we gotta call someone or something-“

_Fuck, it all hurts._

“No, he’ll be fine.” Dongwoo says, firm. Someone goes to protest, but Dongwoo shoots him a stern look. 

_Please, I don’t want to die._ Taehyung wants to shout, to plead, to beg for his life. But he can’t open his mouth without breathing heavily, trying to inhale as much oxygen as possible. 

Taehyung has many regrets in his life, ones he wishes he could take back. He’s spent almost all his life regretting his decisions and wishing he could’ve saved his mother, his brother, _himself_. He wishes he treated Yoongi better as a friend- a brother. Yoongi’s always been there for Taehyung, looked after him, took him in when he needed affection the most. Taehyung wishes he tried at school, listened rather than rebel against everyone and every responsibility. He wishes he could love Jeongguk like he deserves, wishes he never got involved with the other if only to prevent hurting him. 

He regrets a lot, but right now, he can’t find himself to bask in his sorrow, to drown in a sea of regret and shame. Taehyung’s spent his whole life doing that, so why would he do so now, when this may be the last thought he’ll have. Instead, Taehyung’s mind remains blank, if not for the few fleeting happy memories of people he holds dear. Be it a joke with his hyungs, a smile from his mother, his brother's small gesture of sentiment when standing up for him. 

A kiss, one that holds all his endearment, one he hasn’t shared with anyone but Jeongguk.

One he won’t be able to experience again. 

It’s strange, they say when you’re about to die your life will flash before your eyes. It’s now that Taehyung realises he hasn’t had much of a life, no. He hasn’t had much of a childhood, if it wasn’t for Yoongi, Jeongguk, his friends, Taehyung wouldn't have lived much of a life at all.

It’s in this moment that Taehyung realises he’s had love, love from people he doesn’t deserve. His mother loved him before he betrayed her, killed her. His Hyung, Jeongguk, they all loved him before Taehyung pushed them away. They loved him despite his many flaws, something Taehyung tried to warn them of, spared them of. 

This thought is the only warmth Taehyung feels when his body runs cold, blood draining from his body in gushes. 

Taehyung’s been dancing with death for a long time, acting on impulse, recklessly doing things that’d put his life on the line since he simply doesn’t care. He’s been skirting around the edge, wandering close but never close enough. 

“ _Taehyung…” Said man hummed, eyes closed as his fingers traced Jeongguk’s spine. “Are you afraid to die?” Taehyung opened his eyes at this, slowly turning so he could face the other man._

_“Sometimes… but no, it doesn’t scare me as much as it should.” Jeongguk looked pained for a moment, a barely there frown twisting on his pretty features._

_“Why?” The frown didn’t melt away like Taehyung had hoped, so he reached up, traced his thumbs over his eyebrows to neaten the lines. Jeongguk’s face softened, lines gone._

_Good._

_Taehyung can’t resist placing a soft kiss to those tempting lips, humming contently._

_“I suppose you can only endure so much pain before death seems less frightening.” The change of expression on Jeongguk’s face was instant, his almost smoothed out frown returned, but stronger, leaping up and out of the warm sheets to gaze down at Taehyung._

_“How could you say that?” Jeongguk looked pained, immensely concerned for Taehyung’s health. His voice was nothing but a whisper, but it’s said with a bite, sharp words as if to pierce past Taehyung's hard exterior and shake some sense into him._

_Taehyung’s long since given up on the idea of being saved. But with Jeongguk, it’s different. Instead he pulled the younger down towards him, gently tugging at his arm and forcing him back in their previous position. Jeongguk looked at Taehyung differently then, a look that holds all the fear a man his age shouldn’t possess. Taehyung decided he hated that look, doesn’t want to be on the reviving end of concern like that, as if any moment Taehyung may take his life._

_Though he supposed Jeongguk had every right to be concerned, Taehyung considered taking his life on multiple occasions, if only to silence the voices. But he hasn’t, mainly because he fears what his mother would think, what his hyungs would think. But most of all, he simply doesn’t want to. The thought of death never scared him._

But you haven’t been living.

_“If you-“ Jeongguk stopped, bit his lips and looked as if he was contemplating his next words. Taehyung held Jeongguk close, looking at the younger and all his beauty. Jeongguk, with his wide smile that reveals all his teeth, his need to blink when he curses as if his body rejects the word, his love for video games and the way he gets so competitive._

_“Promise me, if you get really depressed-“ and then Taehyung’s face dropped, hating the word ‘depressed.’ Taehyung’s not_ depressed, _it’s a word his mother would always use as she’d smile sadly down at Taehyung. As a child, he swore to never say that word about himself._

_“I’m not depressed, Jeongguk.” Taehyung said, a little more harshly than he intended. His hold on Jeongguk loosened, creating a small distance between the two. Jeongguk looked hurt for a moment before his concern returned._

_“Just promise me you won’t be alone.” Taehyung relaxed, calming. He whispered a small promise, wanting that look to disappear. So he sealed the promise with a small kiss._

As Taehyung lays there, with his back against the solid wall, eyes bleary from unshed tears, he thinks back on that moment with Jeongguk, realising he’s broken his promise.

Jeongguk was right, Taehyung knows. He had known at the time Jeongguk told him he was depressed. The younger was right, and Taehyung knows it, yet he was far too afraid to admit it. It’s funny if you think about it, how Taehyung claimed he wasn’t scared of death yet he was too scared to admit to suffering from something he’s known for a long time.

Taehyung whispers a silent apology, hoping somehow Jeongguk knows how much he cares and wishes he could take back his promise, take back every wrong he's ever done to the younger. 

“H-h-hey, Tae-“ Taehyung blinks several times, trying to see past his strong haze but finds no one there. It’s not until he feels unsteady hands roaming over his side that he realises someone’s there with him.

Up close, Taehyung can make out soft features staring down at him in pure fear. _Jeongguk._

But it’s not Jeongguk, just someone who shares similar features with him. However, for the moment he’ll pretend that it is Jeongguk, just so he can die looking at the boy he loves.

_Love._

Taehyung never got an opportunity to tell the younger he loves him, never got to watch Jeongguk’s expression, kiss him the way he wanted after he confessed. But it’s far too late for that, because he did what he thought was right at the time, and that was to push the younger away. Taehyung finds himself wondering if pushing Jeongguk away was the right thing, if he was actually sparing Jeongguk from the hurt he’d undoubtedly experience if he were to stay with Taehyung. 

Maybe he was wrong, maybe he should’ve stayed with Jeongguk and his hyungs, let them help him like Taehyung knows they would’ve. 

Despite already knowing this, a part of Taehyung didn’t want the help merely because he thought he didn't deserve it. He thought he needed to suffer in silence, pay for the sins he’s committed. Asking for help would’ve been the easy way out. 

It’s funny how it’s taken Taehyung this long to realise that maybe he didn’t deserve to silence his turmoil. To shut the people he loves out and suffer by himself. Maybe Taehyung didn’t deserve to punish himself for something his father drilled into his head, making him believe he’s the monster his old man painted him out to be. The reality is, Taehyung was just a disturbed kid suffering with internal brokenness that only a person exposed to abuse can experience.

Maybe… 

“Please, s-stay with me.” 

The pain that no one else sees because… well, no one else cares.

But people do care, Taehyung just never accepted that fact, had shut the sentiment down since he couldn’t respond positively. How could he when he’s seen the cruelty of the world at a young age, leaving him feeling lost and unwanted, unsafe. 

But he tried to now, think he can finally find some small peace in knowing he had people that cared for him, loved him. 

“Shit.” 

The person sounds so broken, voice guttural as he stutters out his emotions. The person's utter horror makes the whole situation seem so much more real, realising that this is truly it. Taehyung could die here in the streets, corps burning in the sun, rotting until someone finds his dead body. 

Probably smelling it first.

Taehyung doubts the person will stay much longer, running when the opportunity reveals itself to them. Because… well, there’s not a lot they can do. 

“T-tell me what to do, please. I-I don’t- I don’t know-“

Taehyung wants to apologise, apologise to everyone for abandoning them. But none of his friends will ever know, they’ll never remember how Taehyung lived, only how he died. 

From a stab wound in the street, his daddy issues tipping him over the edge and making him do things he regrets, inevitably leading him here. 

He allows himself to think of some of his regrets, but all that comes to mind is Jeongguk’s broken expression. The pure agony in his eyes at Taehyung's hurtful words. He could see the moment Jeongguk’s expression changed from disbelief to grief, his mind hanging on to Taehyung’s words. Jeongguk deserves better, Taehyung’s well aware, but it doesn’t stop him from loving the younger man. 

“Je-“

Taehyung wants to open his mouth, whisper the name that's on his mind but his throat closes up, choking on his voice. 

“Jeongguk.” The stranger gapes at him, or maybe he’s just an illusion, one Taehyung’s concocted to look like Jeongguk, some cruel joke. 

The illusion shows the stranger rushing to pull out his phone with a shaky grasp, dropping it a few times before he makes a call. There’s whispers, but it’s all a hushed murmur so he can’t make out the conversation. 

Maybe if he closes his eyes, he’ll remember Jeongguk’s blinding smile, instantly taking Taehyung’s breath away. If he did that, closing his eyes and seeing Jeongguk’s beauty, well… there’s worse ways to go. 

  
  


*

  
  


The monotone sound of waiting for someone to pick up the phone rings in Eunwoo’s ears. He never thought the sound could be so daunting, and for a heart dropping second he fears the person won’t pick up. 

But then there’s a muffled voice, white noise suggesting they’ve answered. 

“Jeongguk-“

“ _Hello_?”

“Namjoon?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy mother of-  
> I’m ONE chapter away from finishing... I honestly can’t believe it.  
> I’m thinking of maybe re-reading it all after it’s all posted and editing any mistakes I’ve missed? I’ll do my best.  
> But what did you guys thinkkkkkk!!!  
> This one is slightly shorter than the last few, but the next one will be longer since it’s the last and all. (ᗒᗣᗕ)  
> I’m so excited and nervous to post this last chapter, because what do I do now, you know?  
> I’m going to try and write more content, perhaps shorter stories since this took me nearly a year, lmao. 
> 
> God, I can’t thank you guys enough for the support on this story. It mean so much to me that people have enjoyed this as much as I have writing it. 
> 
> Please tell me what ya think, I love hearing everyone’s feedback. Honestly, comments make my day so much, I love replying to each no matter what the context. 
> 
> I seriously love you guys!
> 
> Kudos and comments keep an author alive~
> 
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)  
> If you guys want to talk <3


	13. XIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lasting affect of a single word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it... the last chapter.

You see, Namjoon isn’t one to pick up other people’s phone calls, he tends to let it ring and just inform the person their phone rang later. But with Yoongi distracting him, ranting in his ear about Taehyung’s alarming absences, the concern can be rather distracting. 

It’s why he didn’t even think as he accepted the call, hitting the green symbol without glancing down at the contact name. By this point it was too late, a muffled sound on the other side already heard. 

It’s Jeongguk’s phone, something he only realises when he brings the device to his ear. 

That’s not his phone case. 

That should’ve been his first giveaway. His brother must’ve left his phone before leaving to Jimin’s, disregarding it without care, something he’s been doing a lot recently. Jeongguk’s been distressed all week, acting like the teenage boy Namjoon once was; distant and quiet. Namjoon knows the signs of someone in distress all too well, can recognise the slight ulter in expression, in demeanour. It’s hard not to when Jeongguk is his brother, has grown up with him since he was nothing but a mute baby, (granted Namjoon lost precious years of witnessing his brother grow due to his own foolish mistakes and anger towards his parents.) 

Namjoon’s been there himself. After Chaewon, his talent for picking up distress signals became far more apparent to him. 

He was never oblivious enough to miss her turmoil, to pretend the strain on her emotions wasn’t caused by her abusive father. The way she would freeze up by the mere mention of family. 

It’s why, even now, Namjoon can recognise the trauma Taehyung had to go through, the emotional abuse he had to endure as a child and it transfers through to his adult good. Namjoon doesn’t know the ins and outs of his past, even if it was explained to him, he won’t ever truly understand. But he can see the anguish behind his frightened eyes, the same anguish Chaewon had. 

Namjoon always thought Taehyung and Chaewon would’ve gotten along, they’re similar in more ways than they realise. 

In the end, she died out of loss. Namjoon’s love for her wasn’t enough to erase the pain of losing another love. The love she had for her brother. 

He doesn’t want the same for Taehyung. This time, it needs to end differently.

It still doesn’t stop Namjoon from despising Dongwoo, the very thought of him never fails to boil his red, hot blood. He loathes the other and his gang for encouraging Chaewon into that life, despite her good intentions. 

Dongwoo never committed the murder, Chaewon had suffered long before he was in the picture, but he did little to help. 

After everything, his observant eye hasn’t ceased to fail him. Namjoons able to recognise Taehyung own distress signals, the pain hidden beneath them sleep deprived eyes. Ones that tell stories of monsters, demons haunting you. They’ve eyes that have seen something no eyes should have. 

Namjoon may not have known Chaewon for very long, much like Taehyung hasn’t known Jeongguk for a long period of time. But there’s no mistaking how he feels for her, and it’s the same for the two boys. It’s why, in the end, Namjoon accepted the two together, no longer fighting it like he originally did. He’d promised himself to spare Jeongguk from the pain, and after recognised their mutual interests… well, Namjoon didn’t exactly approve. He just didn’t want for Jeongguk to go through what he had to, to lose what he had lost. Now however, he’s come to realise how special their feelings are, feelings that shouldn’t be taken for granted. Because for Namjoon, he lost that person he cared deeply for. 

His brother hasn’t uttered a word as to why he’s acting the way he is, but Namjoon can see a similar pattern between his brother and Taehyung. There’s no denying something’s happened, their moods have switched to mirror the other, so similar in ways they don’t even realise. It’s one of the many reasons why they work well together… It's also one of the reasons why they’ll clash. 

“I’m worried, he hasn’t answered anyone for  _ weeks _ . I swear, when I see that prick I’ll- who's that?” Yoongi’s finishes with a frown upon realising Namjoon is no longer focused on him. 

Namjoon shrugs, pulling the phone away from his ear too see it’s Eunwoo calling. Namjoon’s close to just putting the phone down, thinking the conversation will hold nothing of importance and the younger man can just call Jeongguk later. That is until he hears a frantic voice, one that’s repeating Jeongguk’s name. 

And then he hears Taehyung's name. 

Both Yoongi and himself are quick to snap their head in the direction of the phone, looking at it as if it was Taehyung himself, suddenly appearing from the unknown. Namjoon doesn’t waste any time in drawing the phone to his ear, his grip tight. 

“Hello?”

“ _ Namjoon _ ?”

“Eunwoo, what’s-“

“ _ Plu-please, I dun-dunno what to do _ .”

Panic rises in the pit of Namjoon's stomach, hot and scary. So many questions are running through his mind but the one he can’t shake off the most is “ _ is Taehyung okay?”  _

It’s a feeling he knows far too well, one he had hoped and prayed to never experience again.

So much for that. 

Yoongi must be feeling the same since he undoubtedly shares the same expression. “What the fuck has happened?” Namjoon wanted to keep the panic out of his voice, knows that he’d have to deal with the situation with a level head, but he’s failed to do so. It’s uncontrollable terror, having heard nothing but radio silence from Taehyung for  _ weeks _ and suddenly Namjoon gets a phone call. No sane person would answer with any sense of composure. 

“‘S hurt, fuck. H-hyung, he’s ruh- really hurt.” 

Dread fills his body, complete and utter terror absorbing him. Namjoon wants to be angry, angry that Taehyung once again hurt Jeongguk, creating this divide between himself and his brother. Namjoon feels like he doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to comfort Jeongguk. He wants to be angry at Taehyung’s life threatening idiocy. 

Instead he feels none of that, only grief and horror at the thought of something happening. Namjoons cares for Taehyung, loves him too much to be angry. 

So he puts the phone on speaker after seeing Yoongi’s desperate eyes, searching for a voice he can barely hear. 

“Taehyung, where the  _ fuck _ is Taehyung?” Maybe it was a bad idea to put it on speaker, his panicked voice not helping anyone. In the end, Namjoon knows Yoongi needs this, and wants to know what’s happened to Taehyung as much as he does. 

They hear nothing but frantic breathing down the phone, panic, despair. Eunwoo is in no state to call anyone for help so Namjoon takes it upon himself, asking the other boy where they are. He gets a stuttered, breathily response in return, explaining where himself and Taehyung are.

Without wasting a second, Yoongi’s rushing to grab his phone, already calling for help. Maybe an ambulance, but they’ve yet to find out what’s happen-

“Please h-hurry, ‘s been stabbed.” 

Namjoons blood runs cold, ice cold where it almost burns. Yoongi’s heard it too since he freezes instantly, eyes wide with utter fear. Their eyes meet and it’s cold, scary.

But then he’s frantically dialling, biting his nails as he waits for an answer. He's soon explaining there’s been a stab and rambling for them to hurry. 

  
  


Namjoon's adrenaline surges so fast that he almost vomits. He can taste saliva thickening in the back of his throat as beads of sweat trickle down his brown. 

_ Taehyung was stabbed _ . 

“Listen to me,  _ don’t  _ fucking move. Someone’s on their way, I’ll be there soon.” Namjoon’s already moving as he’s talking, picking up his keys and slipping shoes on, not bothering with laces. Yoongi’s right behind him, that is until he’s rushing out the apartment, pushing his way through so he’s ahead of Namjoon. 

The past few days Yoongi has been equally shut off, cold. He’d spent countless nights away from an empty apartment, knowing Taehyung wasn’t there often, if at all. Yoongi would give Jeongguk’s these sad looks whenever the two were in the same room, a silent conversation only for them. 

Whenever Yoongi returns to the apartment, only to leave not long after, he’d come back angrier than what he did before. The sudden change of demeanour is hard to miss, but Yoongi would never explicitly explain what had happened for him to be in such a foul mood. 

Thinking back, Yoongi never explained what had even happened that night of Taehyung’s panic. There’s a possibility Taehyung may have kept that piece of information to himself, not explaining what his phone call was and why it suddenly changed everything. But then he looks at Yoongi’s significant expressions, stilling whenever someone asks what happened to his friend. They all chalk it up to Taehyung favouring his privacy, turning a blind eye to his panic attacks because if they were to ask, Taehyung would shut himself out, not speak for weeks, if not months. Hoseok and Seokjin had witnessed that silence, and swore never to pry like that again,(after they’d make Yoongi guarantee Taehyung was in no danger of course.) 

Namjoon realises they should’ve pried, realises turning a blind eye was pointless since they received nothing but radio silence and a cold shoulder for weeks regardless. Whatever has happened stems further than just an argument between Taehyung and Jeongguk, there’s a far bigger story. One that’s led to Taehyung getting stabbed. 

Taehyung would usually at least turn to Yoongi when it came to his issues, it gave them all a sense of relief to know Taehyung isn’t suffering alone. They’d remind him as often as needed that they are here to listen, but Taehyung would give them a strained smile and a “ _ I know.” _

It left Namjoon wondering if he actually  _ knew _ they were here. 

They could at least rely on Yoongi to tell them if something was extremely wrong, but the matter of the subject was one that was forbidden, Yoongi instantly shutting off if anyone were to mention it. No one said anything towards Jeongguk, clicking that something was up between the two. 

Jeongguk’s open with his feelings, he’s the ‘heart-on-your-sleeve’ kind of guy, whereas Taehyung’s the opposite. Jeongguk would be all snotty nose and red rimmed eyes over a broken glass whereas Taehyung rarely shows much other than his cold exterior. 

It’s not without great difficulty that Namjoon would try and shake the sound of Jeongguk’s sobs into the night. On the off occasions Namjoon would go in his room before leaving for work, only to find his brother wrapped up in a duvet, cuddling a bit of fabric. 

It’s not until recently Taehyung disappeared that Yoongi became more vocal about his distress. Still not explaining what exactly has happened, only Taehyung is having a tough time and is going about it the wrong way. Namjoon isn’t naive enough to believe such a cryptic explanation, knowing there’s much more to this than a “tough time.”

If Taehyung was in any type of trouble, then Yoongi would have to put whatever promises he made to the younger behind him and tell Namjoon what was wrong. If he needs help, it needs to be voiced.

Namjoon had explained this to Yoongi, but he instantly got shut down, yelled at the accusation, claiming it was barbaric. Yelling as if Namjoon wasn’t in the right mind to suggest something like that. The secrecy only confirms him worries.

If later someone asks about the drive up to Taehyung, Namjoon wouldn’t know how to respond. The whole drive is a blur, one minute they’re driving, the next they’re uncaringly pulling up to the curb. 

When they find Taehyung, a small figure leaning against a wall, hand clutching his side and looking oh so out of it. So broken and destroyed, not much life left in his eyes, it’s then that the reality truly hits.

Taehyung’s been stabbed. 

And  _ bad. _

Yoongi doesn’t wait for Namjoon to even park, already rushing out the car in last night's clothes. 

Namjoon’s feet betray him, unmoving as he takes in his surroundings. There’s bloods, puddles of crimson blood surrounding Taehyung. The rich stench of copper invading his nostrils along with something similar to rotten eggs and liquor. Namjoon recognisers the latter smell to bile, now noticing the stain on Taehyung’s shirt. 

Namjoon’s close enough to pick up on the smells but still not enough to actually help. He wants someone to scream at him to move and  _ do _ something, but his brain won’t allow his feet to move. All he can do is panic, flashes of blood clouding his mind. It makes him freeze as he watches his friend bleed out on the floor. 

It’s not until a frantic voice screams his name that Namjoon finally moves, the sound of Yoongi’s panicked voice shaking Namjoons out of his own head.

Namjoon’s beside them in seconds, Yoongi crouched beside Taehyung, uncaring that his pyjamas are half in Taehyung's bile. Eunwoo is on the other side, stuck in a trance of terror, not too dissimilar to Namjoons own only mere second ago. Yoongi’s screaming, Namjoon registers that now, but he’s screaming at Eunwoo for answers the boy clearly doesn’t know how to answer. 

“Yoongi, enough!” Namjoon eventually intervenes, stopping his friend with no real venom in his voice. Instead he turns to Taehyung whose eyes constantly blink in and out of focus. “H-hey, Taehyung, look at me.” He snaps his fingers before putting an immense amount of pressure on his wound. 

The other man does, blinking up at him with an unfocused vision. “W-we’re getting help, just hold on, okay? Can you do that?” Taehyung barely manages a nod but it’s there, the slight shake of his head is noticeable and it’s enough for now. 

_ Taehyung's okay. _

_ He has to be okay. _

_ We’ll get help and he’ll be fine.  _

“Who did this?” Namjoon whispers the question after taking in the wound, blood staining his top, seeping through the fabric leaving it soaked. The words are out his mouth before he realises what he’s saying.

Taehyung lulls his head back, his eyes closing and for a panicking seconds Namjoon thinks he’s unconscious again, the pain suddenly too much to bear. But then he sees Taehyung’s mouth move, his dry lips parting. “‘M sorry.”

And then he’s sobbing, tears streaming down his face as he continues to mutter apologies. In the corner of his eye, Namjoon can see Yoongi doing everything in his power not to break down himself. “D-dun hate me. ‘S too much, head hurts.”

“We don’t hate you Tae, could never hate you.” Namjoon whispers, stroking his hair with a free hand, staying cautious not to jolt the boy too much. Yoongi’s frantically shaking his head, unshed tears suddenly falling in a pattern, one after the other until his skin is undoubtedly irritated. 

“We’ll protect you, tell me what happened so we can protect you.” Yoongi’s speaking through choked out tears, sobs threatening to spill from his lips. 

“I duh-dunno. One min I ‘s walkin’, ‘n then D-Dongwoo came. ‘M sorry hyung, it hurts. ‘So tired.” 

Namjoon freezes at the name, putting pieces of the puzzle together. He’s reminded of something Taehyung had said, “ _ he’s harmless.”  _ Only if the boy would’ve listened. A part of Namjoon knew something would happen after Dongwoo suffered an embarrassment like that, he’d known Dongwoo would try  _ something _ . He just never let his mind wander to something thus extreme.

“‘M sorry, Hyung, ‘sorry. Dun’ wanna die.” 

“You won’t Tae, we’ve got you.”

Taehyung tries a small smile despite his tear stained face, snot running down the side of his face from the awkward angle. But his face morphs into a pained one seconds after. He blinks his eyes a few more times before they remain close.

Yoongi really begins screaming then. The sound is so ugly and painful that it makes Namjoon sick to his stomach, he doesn’t know what the fuck to do but cry and watch Yoongi shake Taehyungs motionless body. 

Namjoons back in a daze, not realising the ambulance has finally showed up until the police are ushing them away, the paramedics carrying Taehyung's lifeless body to the vehicle. It all seems so unreal, a far away reality that only exist in Namjoons head. But it’s  _ real _ , and Namjoon has to snap out of it to help his friend.

He’s moving, he knows that much but he doesn’t remember doing it. Doesn’t remember Yoongi’s screams and protests when the ambulance won’t let him ride with Taehyung. Namjoon doesn’t remember driving them there himself, Eunwoo in the back after being shaken out of his trance and demanding he come with. Namjoon eventually acknowledges how dangerous that was, to drive in this state, but nothing was going to stop him from driving and making sure his friend is okay. 

It’s during that drive that Namjoon wonders if things could’ve gone differently. If Taehyung would’ve opened up, if Yoongi hadn't been a loyal friend and kept stuff to himself, if everyone hadn’t assumed Taehyung was fine since that’s what he reassured. If Jeongguk had been there. 

Maybe if things were different then none of this would've happened. If things were different, Namjoon wouldn’t get a sense of Déjà vu. The feeling of loss already seeping through his body, screaming death and pain over and over again. 

  
  


*

  
  
  


3 hours 

That’s how long it’s been since Jeongguk’s been waiting. 

That’s not including the extra hour it took for Taehyung to be admitted to the Emergency Department, for Yoongi to call Jimin and for the two, as well as Seokjin and the others, to arrive. 

It seems whenever there’s an emergency, Jeongguk and Jimin are together. 

Jeongguk would laugh if he had an ounce of humour left in him, every sense dulled, his mind left screaming Taehyung's name in fear. 

_ Taehyung’s been stabbed _ . 

Who would’ve thought such a simple sentence can bring such excruciating pain. 

Though a part of Jeongguk instantly knew something wasn’t right as soon as Jimin answered the call, all blood leaving his face as dread sunk in. It takes Jeongguk back to the time when himself and Jimin were enjoying a drink before being interrupted by the news of Yoongi’s reckless decision to race.

Jeongguk feels the same panic he did then, only tenfold. 

Now however, everything is so much worse. Jeongguk can’t think of a time where he’s been this scared, not even as a child when he broke his leg, nothing compares to the agony he feels at having to wait. 

He's been shivering this whole time, partly from the cold but mostly from the anticipation at having to wait.

They all sit in the waiting room, huddled together in the early morning. Jeongguk was barely up himself when he got the news, his body still tired yet his mind won’t shut off. He doubts he’ll be able to find sleep until he can  _ see _ Taehyung is okay. 

Yoongi looks no better, having been up all night worrying about his friend. His bloodshot eyes from crying for hours, obvious bags from lack of sleep are all signs of his grief. He looks detached and zoned out, mind elsewhere entirely. 

They sit in silence, watching time tick slowly, their backs aching from the uncomfortable plastic chairs. 

Maybe sitting in silence isn’t the best option here, doing nothing but making the occasional sniffle and sobs more coherent. Yet there’s nothing to be said, nothing that can make this situation remotely better. So they sit in silence, waiting with their breaths held. 

They’ve all here, all six of them sitting with a dulled expression. It wasn’t until the familiar noise of hunger filled the room that Hoseok decided people needed to eat, so he made the responsible decision to fetch everyone food. Jeongguk managed a small, grateful smile at his generosity, but that’s about all he could conjure up. 

The doctor had explained the severity of the wound, if it was an inch to the left then he could’ve been in serious danger. That coupled with the fact that Taehyung should’ve never extracted the knife, he should’ve left that to a professional, he’s lucky they got there when they did. That peace of information did little to ease anyone’s mind. 

Taehyung has been taken to stabilise and reduce the wound’s bleeding before treating the injury. The whole process is time consuming, spent worrying and chewing the ends of their nails off. Before they were informed of his condition, only being told to “ _ stay here, he’ll need to be taken to immediate care _ ,” Jeongguk remembered crying so much he felt like passing out. 

Jeongguk and the others arrived a little later to when Taehyung was taken into care. The first thing he saw was the defeated expression of his hyungs faces, eyes red and already swollen from unmistakable tears. Their faces filled with sorrow and grief, unmoving-

For a moment Jeongguk believed this was it, Taehyung had- Taehyung had… gone. 

_ Died. _

The world stopped, a cliche claim of feelings a person says when they lose someone dear, but Jeongguk now realises how strongly these words ring true. Because it  _ did,  _ or maybe that’s how it felt for Jeongguk since he physically  _ stopped _ . Halting any further movement forward, ultimately blocking the others from their path and causing them to push past, rushing to Namjoons and Yoongi’s aid. 

The pain didn’t hit until a few seconds later, a delayed reaction. At first it felt like every aspect of Jeongguk just left him, nothing left but a body standing in the middle of the hospital waiting room. That is until he returned to his body, this time with a large hole missing.

He screamed.

Or so that’s what he’s been told, Jeongguk doesn’t exactly remember that part, only that it  _ hurt _ . 

He remembers crying, switching between trying to breathe and sobbing but ultimately failing. 

It still hurts, but at least Taehyung's breathing.  _ He’s not dead _ . 

A small part of that whole was filled with hope, knowing Taehyung is in medical care and  _ he’s breathing, he’s okay, he’s breathing _ . 

Yet it’s not enough to fill the hole completely, to wipe his grief. Jeongguk doubts that the heart wrenching feeling will ease until he sees Taehyung, checking for himself that he is breathing. 

When one of the doctors emerged, everyone snapped up, chairs practically flying backwards. There’s questions on the tip of each of their tongues, but before they could even utter a sound, the doctor beat them to it, saying she needs to ask a few questions. That’s when she dragged Yoongi and Namjoon away, a tense discussion shared between them. Jeongguk can’t hear from where he sits, yet by Yoongi’s ‘deer in headlights’ expression and the doctors stern but concerned look, Jeongguk can tell it’s not good. 

He only breathes again when the two return, Namjoon reassuring them nothing has happened, the doctor had only asked for them to explain in detail what occurred and if they can run a few tests. 

Yoongi stayed quiet the whole time, guilt and panic written all over his expression. 

  
  


***

  
  


At some point during the endless waiting, Namjoon had disappeared. His brother’s gaze zeroing in on a familiar face.

_ Eunwoo?  _

“He was the one to call.” Yoongi helpfully supplies, mumbling the words in a monotone voice. Jeongguk looks over, wondering if his face matches his tone, dead and with no real energy. 

Jeongguk frowns, confused. “Eunwoo was there?” 

Yoongi nods, gaze never leaving his hands. “He saw it all.” Jeongguk doesn't bother responding, understanding enough to know Eunwoo must’ve been in the wrong place at the wrong time to have witnessed that. Then again, if it wasn’t for Eunwoo then maybe Taehyung wouldn’t have… 

Jeongguk stops that strain of thought immediately, physically shaking his head as if to rid the fresh tears from spilling once more.

The police arrived seconds after the ambulance did, the hospital already informing them of a stabbing so an investigation can go forth. Jeongguk doesn’t want to dwell on what that could mean for them, if the police getting involved is really a good idea.

_ Dongwoo. _

That’s the only word Yoongi was able to choke out, not supplying further information on what had happened. Yet, the single word was enough, it told Jeongguk all he needed to know for now.

Taehyung was stabbed.

Dongwoo stabbed him. 

Fresh tears begin to form once more, the uncontrollable fear returning with force, making him shiver and stomach twist. 

He’s scared; scared for Taehyung's health, scared of what’s to happen next. Jeongguk has learnt a lot since knowing his hyungs, with that knowledge he’s grown a strong understanding. 

If an investigation was to go forth, if dongwoo was found and charged, that could potentially put them in further danger than for the better. 

Or… or it could mean there’s justice, that Dongwoo will finally leave their lives for good. His uncle doesn't care for him enough to pay the police off like he easily could. And even if his uncle did, whos to say he’d allow for his nephew to repeat today’s events. 

Dongwoo is a spoiled child who craves attention, acknowledgement from others as a replacement from the neglect and rejection his uncle shows him. And Jeongguk… Jeongguk feels sorry for him. 

Right now, he doesn’t focus on what’s to come with Dongwoo, only hoping Taehyung is okay. 

  
  


***

  
  


“ _ Since the patient was fortunate enough to not have a stab wound as deep as to have reached an organ, there was no need to perform emergency surgery to repair damaged tissue or organs. Meaning your friends' recovery period won’t be as long. That said, all stabs can be fatal because of the contamination introduced into the wound with a non-sterilized weapon. I suggest you ensure the patient is to take extra care when cleaning the wound, taking extreme caution to not reopen it _ .”

The doctor had said, minutes after Namjoon returned. The food brought by Hoseok hardly touched, their stomachs churning but they swallow what they can. Eunwoo had left, not before Namjoon managed to give him a sincere thanks, Yoongi firmly nodding his head. Eunwoo smiled, turning his gaze to Jeongguk who managed a small smile in return, even if it is slightly strained. Jeongguk will talk to him later, give his proper thanks then. 

“ _ We’ll discuss the matter further with Taehyung himself. After our brief discussion earlier,”  _ she had looked to Yoongi and Namjoon, her tone profession. “ _ There’s a few tests in order we’d like to perform once Taehyung has woken up, he’s under an anesthetist and will be awake shortly.”  _

“A test?” Hoseok asks after the doctor eventually leaves, his voice laced with confusion. Yoongi looks guilty again, angry suddenly.

Realisation must hit him since his crunched expression straightens. Namjoon looks as if he’s about to offer an answer but Hoseok is quick on his follow up shock. “Really? how much has he been taking?”

_ Huh? _

Jeongguk remains confused, not quite understanding the conversation and the sudden tense atmospheres. Yoongi's expression doesn't falter, only changing in intensity. 

“How long has this been going on for?” Seokjin asks, seeming to realise what’s happening as well. Yoongi’s leg is twitching now, bouncing up and down in his chair whilst everyone surrounds him.

“How long have you known f-“

“Would you all fuckin’ leave it!” Yoongi snaps, voice raised in a tone that Hoseok jumps from. His anger dulls at Hoseok’s hurt expression but doesn’t fully disappear. 

“What tests?” Jeongguk eventually asked after a few seconds of tense silence, his confusion plane as day. 

Yoongi doesn’t even look at him, remaining silent whilst Namjoon turns to face him with sympathy. “Drug tests.” 

_ Oh _

Jeongguk’s late in realising what the doctor had implied.  _ Taehyung has been taking drugs.  _

It’s not exactly new news, Jeongguk knows that a vast majority of them has probably tried one substance or another, but he’s coming to recognise the sincerity behind her implication.

_ Addiction.  _

They’re wanting to test him for abusive use of drugs, maybe the more dangerous types. Jeongguk thought that perhaps it’s just a social thing, something you only do for fun once in a while, taking small doses at that. Now he’s not so sure. 

There’s no mistaking that Taehyung was more than just drunk the other night, Jeongguk was just stupid enough to believe it was only a small amount, maybe a joint at most. 

He feels stupid, guilty for not recognising the signs earlier on. Or maybe Jeongguk did, maybe he didn’t want to admit what he knew to be true. Jeongguk can’t exactly fault Yoongi for withholding this bit of information, even if he should’ve told them all sooner, maybe even confront Taehyung about it. Yoongi thought he was protecting him by not telling others, hoping Taehyung would just eventually stop. 

“How long?” Jimin asks in his naturally soothing voice, enough for Yoongi to crack slightly. Fresh tears begin to spill, the action alone being enough to confirm what they already know. This has been going on for a while.

“‘M sorry,” Yoongi crocks, rubbing at his face before running his hands through his hair. “It’s just- it’s just-”

“Hyung,” Yoongi looks at him, his hands now scratching at his neck. “It’s okay.” Jeongguk attempts to reassure him, if Yoongi is anything like Taehyung, then he knows the older will dwell on his guilt. 

Yoongi’s fiercely shaking his head. “I fuckin’ knew this would happen and I said nothing, do y’know now bad of a person that makes me?”

Jimin frowns. “You’re not a bad person, you couldn’t of known this would happen.” 

“But I did!” His voice cracks again and something in Jeongguk breaks. “I never said nothin’. I-I knew what was happening, knew everything about his past but I didn’t say anything.” Yoongi stops to inhale a large amount of air. “I thought by not saying anything I was protecting him, that he’d open up and talk about everything that’s wrong. He’s done some pretty fucked up shit but I ignored it, ‘didn’t wanna hurt him by bringing up the past.” 

Jimin squeezes Yoongi’s hand once before bringing him down for a hug, letting Yoongi silently cry in his lovers arms. The scene makes Jeongguk mourn for Taehyung more, wanting to hug him, reassure him that he’s loved. 

“It’s okay, Yoongi.” Jimin begins to rub soothing circles on his boyfriend's back the same time Jeongguk leans his head on Seokjin’s shoulder, his fingers instantly beginning to card through his knotted hair. It’s soothing, but the ache remains.

“It’ll be okay.”

  
  


***

  
  


Waking up has never been a struggle before, but Taehyung finds himself unable to peel his sticky eyelids open. His mind is groggy, mouth dry with a foul taste, perhaps the lingering effects of alcohol and other substances he doesn’t want to even think about, the very image could make him hurl. 

The room is rather bright behind his eyes, causing him to frown in distress. Taehyung’s left wondering where Jackson and the others are, if they’re still out partying. Maybe they went home, or maybe-

He opens his eyes. 

Taehyung soon realises that he’s not with the others anymore, memories flashing back in bright, neon colours. He’d already woke up from a night of drinking more than your average intake, drowning in alcohol and other shit no human should ever take at once. He’d already begun walking back home when…

_ Dongwoo,  _ that  _ cunt.  _

If Dongwoo was to stab him he could at least finish the damn job, not leave him in a hospital feeling like death itself. Taehyung's body aches, a pain in his side throbbing with memories. 

Great, he now has that to add to his plate. 

There’s an IV attached to his wrist,  _ so that’s why I feel like a dead weight _ . 

It takes a second for his situation to really sink in.  _ I’m in the hospital after being stabbed, not dead. _ A million emotions rush through him at once, relief, gratitude for a second chance, but also fear, dread, shame because he should’ve died. A part of Taehyung had made peace with the fact that he was going to die alone in a street. It’s mocking how he comes so close to death but the universe decides not to even grant him the satisfaction of it, only a small taste. It’s a second chance, and Taehyung is sort of pleased because death is a scary concept, but it’s easier. Because death is easier, peaceful. But living? Yeah, that’s harder to do. 

That thought, that realisation hurts more than what Taehyung thought it would, knowing he thinks death is easier than life. How can he say that after knowing he has an opportunity to see his hyungs again, to see Yoongi.

_ Jeongguk. _

Taehyung vaguely remembers his last thoughts before blacking out, waking up a second time to see Namjoon and Yoongi’s distraught expressions, how he thought his mind concocted a version of Jeongguk saving him, frantically crying and panicking. Now that he's in the hospital, knowing his corps hasn’t begun rotting in the street, he thinks that might not be the case. Who the fuck was that and why would they bother trying to save his pathetic self, a walking disappointment. 

His head is throbbing, partly from the anaesthetic and partly from the large intake of bright, white hospital light, but he still manages to train his mind to remember how he felt in that moment. The immense amount of regret, longing to see his hyungs again, Jeongguk again. 

But what if now they don’t want to see him,  _ they’ll know what you’ve done.  _ Instant dread seeps into Taehyung's system, consuming him with it. 

What if now they’ll know he’s the monster he always says he is, the things he’ll do just to rid the voices, the visions, the dreams. The extent at which he’ll go to hurt others before they can hurt him, to play with people's emotions like the fucked up, pathetic man that he is, just to make him feel in power.

Because that’s what this is about, power, being in control, something he never had as a child. Making people fall for a fake persona, an illusion of what his partners want only for Taehyung to take it away, make them feel how he had felt. It’s psychotic really, Taehyung’s completely aware of this fact. 

Now, because of everything, what if his friends no longer want to help him, only deem him helpless and not worthy of it. 

Well, he can’t fault them for that. 

Taehyung can’t help the panic at knowing his friends may no longer want him, that Jeongguk no longer wants him. Even without knowing what Taehyung’s done, Jeongguk still won’t want him because he had pushed him away, claimed his feelings were nothing more than a small interest and a game, someone to pass the time with even though that’s  _ not _ true. Jeongguk means so much more to him and it panics Taehyung into thinking he can’t express that, can’t fix one of his many foolish mistakes. 

It’s far too late, they’ll know he’s fucked up again. Taehyung can’t bear the thought of Yoongi’s disappointed face, his worry. He knows there’ll be a pending argument, maybe this time Yoongi will call quits on their friendship, be done with Taehyung’s shit for good, leaving him truly alone and fending for himself. 

_ You don’t deserve them. _

_ You worthless piece of shit. _

“Taehyung, breath for me please.” 

That’s definitely a female voice, not one that he recognises though.

_ You killed her. _

_ Me. _

“I need you to try and breathe for me, deep breaths.” Taehyung finds himself breathing with the unfamiliar women in front of him, his inhales and exhales mimicking her pace and gradually slowing to a steady rate.

It’s only in this moment that he realises the machine that monitors his heartbeat, now beeping at a steady pace but moments ago was frantically going off with his panic. 

Taehyung looks around the room, taking in the typical hospital layout. There’s no decoration save for a thin curtain that does little to rid the evening sun, a green that perhaps was a kind colour, reminding people of spring, but it’s now faded so much that it reveals it’s age. 

The nurse is there standing beside him, her voice soft, low and professional. “Good.” She breaths, smiles. Yoongi is there, sitting in one of them plastic seats next to the bed, looking rather uncomfortable but doesn’t pay it much mind. Taehyung’s known his friend enough to know how eager he is to talk based on his expression. 

What strikes him as odd is that Namjoons there out of all people, but then again it shouldn’t surprise him at all. Namjoon is the type to overly care for others, going out of his way to make sure you’re okay, just another person Taehyung doesn’t deserve. 

“ _...he’s protective of you too…”  _

“How are you feeling?” Taehyung's grunts out a small  _ fine _ , his voice strained. The nurse nods and continues to explain what he practically already knows, he’s been admitted to hospital after being stabbed. 

_ Stabbed _ ,  _ Emergency, anaesthetic, police, blood test.  _ They’re the main words Taehyung manages to pick up during his daze, his mind unable to focus away from the possibility that Jeongguk could be here, if his brother is here then maybe so is Jeongguk?

They rush through the blood test quickly, the pain unnoticeable as the nurse talks him through it. At first Taehyung was quick to protest, in denial when she suggested the possibility of abusive use of drugs and testing his dosage so they can ensure a quicker recovery. 

But when Yoongi gives him a pointed look, supplying a stern “ _ Taehyung _ ,” and looking slightly guilty, Taehyung then realises his friend has already informed the nurse. 

Welp, cats out the bag.

Taehyung eventually agrees, muttering a curt “ _ fine,”  _ shocking both Yoongi and Namjoon at how quickly he agreed. Usually he’d put up more of a fight, denial on the tip of his tongue even now, but he’s far too tired to argue. There’s no point in trying to pretend when everyone already knows how much of a failure Taehyung is, he’s just so  _ tired _ , defeated.

“ _ You’ll receive your test results in no more than a week, depending on the results, you can then decide treatment and the possibility of therapy…”  _

Taehyung zoned out after that, the suggestion enough to make him panic but he swallows it for now, his mind instantly shutting down the notion of that option, he won’t even humour it. Instead, Taehyung nods curtly, faking a small smile in hope that she will just leave. 

Eventually she does, and Taehyung is now left with both Yoongi and Namjoon. 

Taehyung doesn’t move his gaze an inch away from the door, his eyes lingering where the nurse left only seconds ago. He’s scared okay, not ready for the incoming argument, or worse, the look of utter disappointment. 

“Tae…”

“I  _ know _ , okay.” Taehyung sighs, snaps, not wanting to hear it. After a beat he finally turn, readying himself for looks he can only imagine that marrows their faces, twisting their pretty features into sorrowful expressions.

Instead he finds Yoongi frowning, though the concern is still evident through his soft eyes. “I know I fucked up-“

“I’m sorry.” Yoongi rushed out, shocking Taehyung stiff at his friend's sudden apology, his tone sincere and laced with guilt.  _ Sorry? _

What would Yoongi have to be sorry about? Taehyung's the one that got himself into this mess. He’s the bad guy here. 

There’s a long moment of awkward silence where Yoongi shamelessly stares at Taehyung and Taehyung looks around the room. The only sound now is the consistency ticking from the highly cliche clock that hangs on the overly plain cream wall, the sound wasn’t noticeable before but now it sticks out excruciatingly. 

“I-I should’ve been there rather than just yelling at you, I-I’m-“

“Hyung.” Taehyung mutters, hurting because his best friend is clearly hurting. 

“We’re glad you’re okay, kid.” Namjoon smiles, standing to pat his back in that caring way of his. Namjoon has always been good at breaking tension with small gestures and offering words to defuse any foul mood. 

Yoongi stands too, scratching the back of his neck in a way that Taehyung knows means he’s debating something. That’s when Taehyung really takes in his best friend, observing his distressed, haggard look. 

“I could drown in your dark circles without hope of ever climbing out. Y’ look like such a fuckin’ mess." Taehyung mutters, voice soft despite his tease, knowing he looks no better. Yoongi offers a watery smile, a fresh onslaught of tears rushes down at the same speed it takes for Yoongi to move to Taehyung’s side, gathering him into a tight hug. 

“You fuckin’ idiot, y’ s-scared us.” Yoongi’s whispers into his ear, his shaky tone more noticeable from this close up.

Taehyung feels his own set of tears flow, his heart clenching from how overwhelmed he feels. He tried to hold them back, swallowing each time, but looking at his friends now is like a shock to his system, further proof of how undeserving he is of their love, their concern. “‘M sorry, hyung. I-I fucked up again, I’m duh-dirty.” He’s practically crying in hysterics now, grip tightening on his friend like a lifeline. 

He can tell Yoongi’s furiously shaking his head, a protest on the tip of his tongue. “You’re not dirty Tae, you’re good-“

“‘M not good, nuh-not good. I’m so messed up, I-I’m such a bu-bad person, hyung.” Taehyung stammers out, not understanding why Yoongi won’t see how much of a bad, fucked up man he is. 

“Taehyung,” Namjoon says in a soft, understanding tone. Taehyung can see his friend begin to move in the corner of his eyes, soon there’s a reassuring touch in his hair, soothing. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just a person who’s had bad things happen to them.” Taehyung wants to argue but struggles on a particularly heavy sob, the two touches from his friend have a knock off effect on him, pulling him deeper and deeper into his self pity. It’s almost too much, getting so much attention from his two hyungs, but it’s also everything he craves, so for now Taehyung swallows the side of him that wants to pry the hands away, scream at them and make them see how he doesn’t deserve them. He’s just a man who’s daddy didn’t want them, made sure to show him that day in and day out. A dirty little child who murdered their mother, his father beating him for being worthless, his brother always calling him  _ weak _ . 

Taehyung allows himself to sob, to let everything over the past few weeks wash over him in a wave, every emotion boiling over and exploding into this moment here. From his fathers death, to his brother’s texts, to hurting Jeongguk both physically and emotionally. Then there’s hurting Yoongi, arguing each night for staying out late and worrying him, drowning his sorrows in alcohol, partying and drugs, then doing it all over because that’s the only thing that’ll just numb him for a while, all his worries easing from his body. 

There’s a faint knock, followed by a small creek, everyone gaze snapping towards the door. Taehyungs’s quick to wipe at his face in case it’s a nurse returning, but he’s surprised to find the man that makes his heart swell, clenching with such longing.

_ Jeongguk. _

Why is he here? Taehyung had hoped but didn’t actually believe it. He doesn’t think he can look at the younger without the pain consuming him, to know he’s within a few feet of his grasp but can’t touch him, he lost that right as soon as he pushed him away. 

It hits him then, realising that Jeongguk will now hate him. It’s all so overwhelming, it means he’ll know he fucked up yet again. It means he’ll know about the drugs. It means he’ll know about the partying, being weak, stabbed. 

A moment passes where they just stare at each other, their gaze locked as Taehyung's heart seizes with fear. Maybe they stare at each other for minutes, maybe it’s only seconds. But no matter how long it felt, soon Taehgung’s vision is obstructed by a lap full of Jimin. 

Taehyung can’t help the wince at the sudden body weight, the jolt pulling at his stitched up side, still sore and tender. Jimin pulls off immediately, a sob leaving his pretty lips at Taehyung's discomfort, but his hold around his neck doesn’t ease up. “T-Tae.” Jimin cries into his neck, dampening his already ruined, blood soaked top. 

“Hey, hyung.” He mutters.

Jimin hits him lightly on his chest, still clearly being cautious of his wound. “I look a mess because of you.” Taehyung’s not sure if he laughed or sobbed that sentence out. 

He can’t help but roll his eyes at his friend, his heart aching at how much he missed him, missed them. “I could probably deck you and you'd still be more attractive than ninety-nine percent of the population." Taehyung definitely doesn’t think of Jeongguk for the last percentage. 

“You fucking scared me, us.” It’s then that Taehyung looks over his small friend to see both Hoseok and Seokjin standing by the door, a tired but relieved expression evident on their faces. Taehyung musters up a small smile, one they reciprocate with a pat and a sigh. 

“We’re glad you’re okay,” Hoseok breaths. 

Taehyung feels a twitch in his bottom lip, “I-I’m sorry, ‘shouldn’t of h-hurt you.” Taehyung mumbles out a few more apologises, his vocabulary stuck on repeat. He apologises to everyone, after all the years of shit he’s put them through and all he can do is try to hold his sobs and apologise, it just so happens his gaze lands on Jeongguk with the last part. 

“‘S all my fault.” Taehyung can’t help how his voice shakes, the abused child in him screaming to admit defeat, surrender to the words his father drilled into his head. 

“No-“ 

Taehyung furiously shakes his head, the force making his vision blur. “I-it is, ‘m worthless, all I do is fuck up.”

“No, Taehyung.” Jimin says again, his tone far sterner than before. 

“It’s not your fault, kid.” The amount of sincerity in Namjoons voice makes him want to protest, show him, but he fears if he were to open his mouth now then a sob would rip through. He doesn’t want to cry any more. 

“He’s right, Dongwoo’s a stupid kid but no one expected him to take it that far.” Truth be told, Taehyung can tell Dongwoo never meant to take it that far by his frantic panic, realisation of what he’s done, but he doesn’t bother to tell Hoseok that.

“I-I think we should do something, the police already knows you were stabbed, doctors are entitled to inform the police whenever somebody arrives in hospital with a wound inflicted in a knife attack.” Seokjin informs them, approaching slowly as if Taehyung’s a scared animal. It’s rather wise if you ask Taehyung. 

Namjoon nods along. “Eunwoo saw it all, he’s already made a statement. It’s now up to you if you want an investigation to go forth.”

“Eunwoo?” Taehyung frowns, the name sounding familiar.

“He’s,” Taehyung snaps his gaze to the youngest. “He’s my friend.” Jeongguk’s voice is quiet, soft. Taehyung realises it’s the first time he’s spoken since standing here, and his heart clenches at his voice alone, a new set of longing rushing through his system. 

“W-we could tell them what happened?” Jimin asks, scratching at his chin. “Give a description of Dongwoo?”

Taehyung can’t tear his eyes away from Jeongguk, especially after hearing the voice he’s grown to know so well, sweet and lulling. The younger man seems to wait with great uncertainty, his eyes searching his own.

“I think it’s down to Taehyung to decide, we’ll discuss that later…” Yoongi gives Namjoon a pointed look, his head twitching in the direction of the door. Namjoon seems to understand his bizarre notion since his posture straightens from being hunched against the wall, advancing towards the others and subtly kicking them out. 

“We’ll bring you back some decent food. Not this hospital shit.” Yoongi says with a scrunched expression.

Seokjin moves to give him one last squeeze, whispering how happy he is that Taehyung's okay before dragging Jimin off towards the door. “Wait, why do we all have to go-“

The door closes behind them, leaving himself and Jeongguk alone. With every awkward moment comes silence, it’s gives each person the opportunity to come up with the right thing to say, forming words to best describe how they feel. Or maybe, silence is a means to just delay the inevitable, let time tick in the quiet since it’s better than getting your heart further broken.

He thinks silence is there because of the latter option. 

Taehyung doesn’t think he can endure the pain of Jeongguk’s deserved anger, the hate he no doubt feels for the older after discovering yet another dirty secret of his. 

“Why are you here?” Taehyung doesn't mean for his question to come out bitter, snappy as the silence ticks on into unbearable anticipation. He now realises there is no use in delaying what’s bound to happen, why wait for the onslaught of pain when he can get it over with now and drown in self pity later. Emerge neck deep into straight shots and coke.

Yum.

Taehyung ignores his stomach churning at that idea. 

The younger looks fairly startled at Taehyung's abrupt question, clearly not expecting him to talk first. Though the shocked expression doesn't last, twisting into a soft frown. “You were hurt.”

“Oh.”

Awkward silence descends around the room again, Taehyung's heavy breathing much more evident to his own ears. He hates this.

“Are you… are you feeling any better?” Jeongguk’s the one to fill in the silence this time, moving an inch closer from where he was leaning against a table at the far wall. 

Taehyung shrugs. “I’m fine, tired.” God he’s so tired, even after being knocked out for the count for a few hours - which is the most sleep he’s had in weeks - Taehyung still feels restless. 

There’s a small humming noise of acknowledgement coming from Jeongguk. He’s biting his lip again in a way that makes Taehyung's stomach jump, twist in a pleasant way. In reality his body feels heavy in that aching, drained way, his mind is foggy and he can’t help the grimaces at a sudden shift that pulls at his side. It takes great effort to not make further grunting noises at the pain, but Jeongguk notices regardless. “Hey, take it easy, you don’t wanna reopen that.” There’s a soft, reassuring squeeze on his arm as he’s slowly guided to lay back against the bed frame. Shit, when did he move and get so close?

“Why are you here?” Taehyung asks again, softer this time but his voice is still slightly clipped. He's brought back to his last few thoughts, wishing for a second chance, wanting to tell Jeongguk how he truly feels, spilling every sentiment. He’s been granted that wish and now is as good an opportunity as any, but it’s so much harder than he anticipated. Even though Taehyung wants nothing more than to leap from the bed and grab hold of the younger, bring him close and whisper his affection, there’s a familiar voice inside his head reminding him of his worth. 

_ He doesn’t want you to.  _

_ No one wants you. _

_ You’re pathetic.  _

“I was worried, I-I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

It’s wrong, all of this is just  _ wrong. _ Jeongguk isn’t supposed to be here… hell, Taehyung isn’t even supposed to be here really, he should’ve died in the street and wait for stray cats to feed off his corps. But Jeongguk… he's meant to be mad at him, keep the distance that Taehyung created. It’s better like this, safer for Jeongguk like this. 

So why is he here?

Why, after Taehyung treated him poorly, claimed his feelings were a mere attraction and a game to him, why does he still show up to claim he cares?

“I’ll go.” 

Taehyung recoils at the sudden defeated tone in his announcement. Somehow this is worse, this isn’t what he wants. Jeongguk should stay, Taehgung wants him to stay even though it’s best for the younger to leave and not come back, despite Jeongguk saying it because that’s what he believes, what Taehyung  _ made _ him believe. 

Anxiety builds in the form of bile.

He swallows it, not wanting to embarrass himself further. 

“You’re okay, s-so I’ll go.” Jeongguk moves to leave-

“No.” Then stops, turns back around.

_ Shit. _

Taehyung should've let him leave but the selfish part of him doesn’t want him to. The selfish part of him wants Jeongguk to stay. 

“Why?” The younger man is asking, giving him an expected look. Taehyung opens his mouth.

Then closes it. Only to repeat this same process a few more times until Jeongguk eyebrows knit. How can he answer that without hurting him again? Taehyung doesn’t think he can lie like he did the last time, he doesn’t have the energy for it. 

_ “Don’t mistake what we shared as anything more than me using you for my own entertainment.” _

Last time it took every ounce of Taehyung to feign indifference, pretend his feelings didn’t exist. He took it too far, started getting personal, hitting Jeongguk where he knew it’d hurt most because the younger just wouldn’t  _ back down _ . Jeongguk wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t leave. Why couldn’t the younger just understand that Taehyung’s no good, that he’s far better off without him. If he'd just  _ listen _ , just stopped pushing and seeing through Taehyung's lies, then he wouldn’t have had to take it that far, bringing up sensitive topics. If Jeongguk would’ve just- 

No. That’s not important, because no matter what, Taehyung should’ve  _ never _ taken it that far. He crossed a line he can’t come back from. At the time he was blinded by his fears, at the time he thought he was doing the right thing. But it all feels so wrong, in the end he hurt Jeongguk more by bringing up his past. 

Jeongguk quirks an eyebrow in question, prompting Taehyung to answer instead of just switching between opening and closing his mouth. “Okay.” Jeongguk eventually says with a sigh, his hard features softening. Taehyung realises his mistake, forcing the younger to stay in a room with someone he probably hates. 

“No. ‘M sorry. You should go.” 

Jeongguk looks pained. “Don’t do that, don’t act like you want me and then push me away.” Taehyung gulps. 

Silence. 

Then, “Taehy-“

“Don’t you hate me?” Taehyung suddenly asks, desperate to figure out why Jeongguk still hasn’t moved despite what Taehyungs has done. Doesn’t Jeongguk know how fucked up Taehyung is? How he spends his days getting high, inhaling drugs like the dirty druggy he was always meant to be. 

The younger is dragging a chair over from the side, slumping in it when he brings it close enough to Taehyungs bed. “No.”

“You should.”

Jeongguk sighs again, bringing his feet up and wrapping his arms around his knees. Taehyung can’t imagine that position being overly comfortable but he supposes it’s better than trying to lounge in the plastic chair. “I know, but I don’t.” 

“I-I hurt you, can’t you see now? I told you I would and I did.” Taehyung never meant for his voice to leave all scratchy, he should be putting on that cold front again, but it’s  _ hard, _ okay. He’s done it once, he just can’t muster the strength to do it again. Not right now.

A quirked brown raises in disbelief, his bottom lip jutting out. Any other time Taehyung would find the scene adorable, with Jeongguk’s chin resting on his knees, hugging his petite figure. But he can’t shake the panic that’s bubbling under his skin, no one man has made him feel this nervous for an upcoming conversation. Yet, here Jeongguk is, proving yet again how far gone Taehyung is for him. “You only hurt me because you tried to hurt me. Taehyung, we were fine-“

“No, we weren't fine! I-I’m not fine, don’t you understand why I’m here? I get involved with the wrong people, do things that I shouldn’t.” 

“Like you taking them drugs?”

Taehyungs blood runs cold, confirming that he’s right and the younger has found out. Why is he still here if he knows how dirty he is? “Tae, I already know. I realised a while back, b-but I didn’t say anything then, I didn’t realise how serious it was until now.” 

“Well now you know.” Taehyung says rather bluntly, preparing for the worst, for Jeongguk to finally up and leave him. “Now you know I’m a junkie, following in daddy’s footsteps.” 

Jeongguk scoffs. “You’re father is a vile man, don’t compare yourself to him.” He mumbles. “That doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“I am! I-I hurt people, I hurt you. I use people and disregard their feelings, I didn’t feel guilty then and I don’t feel it now because there’s just so much  _ hate. _ I want people to feel how I felt, I didn’t have anything and lost the only good thing-“ Taehyung realises his breathing has increased, his sallow frame trembling whilst trying to ignore the tears that threaten to spill. “What did I do? Why did everyone get what they want and I ended up with nothing? I just want people to understand the hurt and agonizing pain that I went through, wanted them to  _ feel _ a fraction of that pain in a means to get even with the universe. At first I was doing that with you but… fuck, you’re so good, Guk. So perfect and I never meant to fall but I  _ did _ , I did and I can’t stop.”  _ From falling in love,  _ goes unsaid. 

Jeongguk’s eyes droop, lips pursed as he looks away for a second before turning his gaze back to Taehyung, this time more composed. “No ones perfect, I’m not perfect. Everyone has their impurities, everyone makes mistakes and this is yours. What you do is wrong, yes, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re so much more than just that, more than the person who hurts others to get back at the world. I love you not for that but  _ in spite _ of that, it’s because I know the real you, I know that you’ve gone through so much trauma and hurt, you’re scared and this is you screaming for help. I love you and I want to help you, Tae.”

The confession tips Taehyung over the edge, finally breaking down. The cries he held at bay come out as a wail, shaking him with the intensity. It all hurts, the magnitude of pain is excruciating because Jeongguk is still here, the boy that is so perfect loves him despite what he’s done. “I-I duh-don’t get h-happy endings.”

Maybe Taehyung was wrong, maybe he can’t decide if someone’s feelings for him are there, maybe he can’t claim Jeongguk’s feelings for him as something of unimportance because he’s proven time and time again that he still cares, still stays despite knowing it all. Jeongguk’s the only one who can decide what he feels for himself. And Taehyung, he can’t push those feelings away and pretend he doesn’t feel the same. 

“But you can if you let me, let me stay, let me help and be there. Let Yoongi and everyone else help and-“ Jeongguk pauses to inhale a wobbly breath, wiping at his moistening eyes as he does. “Love you without having to question if you deserve it because you do.” Taehyung wants to, god does he want to accept it and let them in but he’s scared, scared that when he does they’ll just turn around and leave.

“I’ll try. Guk, fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so sub- sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean it, y’know that right? ‘Cos I nuh- need you to know that what I-I said was me pushing you away, punishing myself. But I didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t of said what I said, but-“

Taehyung was probably going to ramble on a few more times in sobbing hysterics, trying to get his point across but Jeongguk lightly hushes him, his legs unfolding and reaching out for Taehyung’s hand. “I know, what you said hurt but I know, okay. I know what your initial intentions were, everyone did warn me and maybe I was naive at the start but I wouldn’t have stayed if I thought you didn’t care. In a way Namjoon did leave me, my parents continue to keep some distance-“ Jeongguk pauses to inhale, holding a hand up when Taehyung opens his mouth, stopping him so Jeongguk can finish. “But we’re working on it, Namjoon and I are getting better, this is probably the closest we’ve been for a while and I’m so glad he’s let me into this side of his life, the side that brought me to you, to everyone.” 

The younger gives a watery smile before beginning to angrily wipe at his eyes, scowling suddenly. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise how much pain you are in sooner, I-I should’ve pushed harder to stay.”

“Don’t, don’t apologise when ‘s not your fault. I pushed you away, remember? I didn’t let you see all of the pain because I didn’t want anyone to.” Taehyung sniffles, wiping his, kind of itchy, nose with the back of his hand, slightly black from the abuse of drugs but he doesn’t care and neither does Jeongguk when he leans forward to kiss him. It’s only a soft peck but it affects Taehyung all the same. 

“Stay with me.” Taehyung breathes, “I know that’s selfish for me to ask after everything, but god do I want you to stay with me.” Jeongguks nodding before he can finish, smiles behind his tears and he looks kind of crazed but Taehyung finds it all the more endearing. It’s rather cliche but the cliches can often be the best parts. 

“I’ll stay, I’ll stay because I love you and because you deserve it. We’ll get through all of this, a-all of us will help and be there when you need us. We’ll figure it all out, okay?” Taehyung gives him one last peck before resting his head on the younger's shoulder, the angle may be awkward but it’s still calming, content. 

“I love you despite not loving myself, I don’t know why you love me but thank you, thank you for giving me the one thing I thought I could never have.”

  
  
  


***

  
  


It's a week later when Taehyung gets his test results. 

They turned out exactly as expected, but seeing the results visually is a whole different feeling. It’s all so real now, the amount of shit he inhaled was unknown to Taehyung. He had a vague idea, knew it was a lot but not  _ this _ much. At some point during his results, the doctors had prescribed him Valium, a sedative for his nerves. The drug can only do so much for him, the small, blue tablet only a semblance of calm. But it’s when he’s alone Taehyung begins to get anxious, his emptiness returning and the need to fill it with all his self-destructive habits are overwhelming. 

He’ll have to visit the hospital regularly for his wound, getting checked up and making sure there’s no series damage later on. Something he’s not too fond of and still curse Dongwoo for this misfortune.

His going cold turkey, he hasn’t touched Alcohol and drugs in  _ days.  _ Taehyung never realised, could never come to see how far addicted he’d become. The reality is that he’d only worsened his need for substances after his fathers death and everything that came with it, the low having a spiralling effect on him. 

The nightmares returned, especially when Jeongguk isn’t there beside him to hold him, bring him back to the present and reassuring him that he’s not in his ratted, old, pathetic excuse for a home with his father. He’s been prescribed Modadinil afterwards, a drug that’s supposed to “ _ treat parts of your insomnia and prevent the fatigue and drowsiness associated with cocaine withdrawal by promoting healthy nighttime sleep and encouraging dopamine production _ .” Taehyung zoned out at the nurse explanation, his mind wondering since he feels overwhelmed by it all. 

It works, in some ways, but he still feels tired, still hears voices and his fathers face. Taehyung can’t shake the restlessness and sadness off, he doesn’t want to tell his friends but they notice regardless. Of course they notice, his hyungs and Guk practically haven’t left his side at all, always round to check up without saying they’re checking up. It’s nice, Taehyung thinks, his friends don’t bring it up often, only asks how he’s doing but then continues to treat him as normal. It makes Taehyung think nothings wrong, that there's no reason for his friends to view him differently, so he’s grateful. 

Regardless of this, they keep a hard eye on him, accompanying him wherever he goes.

Taehyung hasn’t touched a car in forever, not since Dongwoo, but he can’t bring himself to care too much. He’s always had a love and knack for cars, that part of Taehyung won’t ever leave. But the rush is too much for the moment, too addicting and if he gets a taste he’ll want more, resulting in a downward spiral to his old friends, crack and booze. Work is hard but he’s managed to show up under dire circumstances before, so it’s not the worst.

He had promised himself he’d talk to Eunwoo, thank him for everything he’s done despite the embarrassment. Eunwoo is a good person, Taehyung can see why Jeongguk is friends with him.

Dongwoo is a different story. Turns out the kid was too frightened of his actions, realised his mistake and made a beeline to his uncle. Taehyung decided to not press chargers, especially since there’s a thin line between the legal and illegal things he’s been up to, it’s more hassle than what it’s worth. Taehyungs not sure if he’d see Dongwoo again, if the kid even knows Taehyung's alive, but rumour has it that he’s been sent away for good, left the country - his uncles doing - and won’t be returning, not for a while anyway. There’s always going to be trouble, somewhere in the future, it’s unavoidable. But he won’t worry about that now, won’t let his mind ponder or even entertain the idea to worry. 

He’s been doing fine. 

Then the mood swings begin, giving his friends whiplash as he goes from normal to angry, then outright depressed in seconds. Yoongi and Jimin notice the most, his best friend not leaving the apartment since the hospital, not even for Jimin which means his boyfriend comes round here instead. Taehyung doesn't mind, he likes the company, if it wasn’t for everyone then Taehyung would’ve relapsed and been found dead in a ditch no doubt. He’s been suggested group therapy, a place to talk his feelings out and help each other. Taehyung couldn't help his scowl in distaste, practically growling at the idea. 

But he’s not getting better and everyone sees that, no matter how much they’re here for him. Taehyung realises this thing runs far deeper than just an addiction, it’s stemmed from past trauma and this is the outcome from it, and what better way to rid an unwanted weed? It’s by cutting it from its roots. 

“We should talk.” The three words alone are enough for Taehyung's blood to run cold. It’s a good day and he doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want a conversation he knows he should be having to dampen his mood. It’s a rare day where everyone is gathered, huddled together in one room, pigging out on food and crap and just being together. It’s nice, well it was until Namjoon decided to open his fat gob. 

Taehyung clears his throat, hand clenching his forth coke can of the day - an addiction he’s developed as an attempt to stop reaching his hand in the alcohol cabinet, granted Yoongi probably emptied it days ago but Taehyung hasn’t allowed himself to check. He supposed this addition it better than he’s other few - Jeongguk stirs from where his head rests against his shoulder, feeling the sudden tense posture. “‘Bout what?”

“Taehyung, we… look, we think you should see a therapist.” Namjoon says, granted its rather confident after his first stutter. He's sitting off to the side in a newly purchased black bean bag, an item Yoongi assured they needed since there’s not enough furniture for everyone to sit on. 

Taehyung can’t help quirk his eyebrow at the suggested group agreement that he needs to see a therapist. Yoongi and him have had this discussion, and Taehyung’s explained how it won’t work, his mind is too fucked for any therapist to get through completely and make a drastic change. It’s why he gives Yoongi a look, betrayal written all over his features. Taehyung even cocks his head to look down at Jeongguk’s drowsy state, noticing slight guilt there but he’s too tired to fully register what’s going on and Taehyung is too smitten to mind. 

Seokjin clears his throat. “I think we need to discuss what happened the last time we was all together here, when you freaked out-“

“No.” Taehyung interrupts, firm. “Nothing happened.” He can feel Jeongguk snuggle up closer, the tip of his nose brushing his neck, his breath is warm, relaxing. 

Yoongi sighs.

“Taehyung, they’re trying to help, we all are.” Yoongi says, reassuring. Jeongguk places a small kiss on his neck and its effects are immediate, pleasant chills running through his body before it’s gone, Jeongguk sitting up seconds after his lips retract from the skin. Taehyung pouts but stops after the younger's pinky finger traces his knuckles. 

Hoseok nods, smiles sadly. Taehyung hates this already. “We  _ know _ something happened, we ain’t blind, kid. We just want to know what’s going on, if for whatever reason you’re in further harm than what we thought.” 

His friend stops when he notices Taehyung softly shaking his head, but it’s not dismissive. With everyone’s heavy eyes on him, Taehyung realises he needs to swallow the fear that’s been injected into him since he was little, open up to the people around him. They’re trying to help, Taehyung knows that now, but what if after hearing his life story they’ll agree with his father, thinking he’s not worth their time. “I’m not, I-I-“

_ You’re worthless. _

“He u-used to-“

_ No one wants you,  _

_ They’ll think you're pathetic. _

_ “ _ H-h-he.”

_ No one loves you. _

_ I never loved you. _

_ Daddy never loved you. _

“Taehyung.” Jeongguk quietly calls his name in panic, placing a tender hand on his chest to steady the rapid thump of his heart. But he shouldn’t have them on him, he’s not allowed to be touched, cared for, loved.

“He nuh-never loved me.” His father smirks, how does no one else see him smirking by the door? Taehyung's eyes are fixated to the man he loathes, unable to move his gaze away because if he was to turn his back his father would strike. 

Then his father moves, inching closer and Taehyung instantly flinches, Jeongguk’s hands retracting as if burned and recoiling from the suddenness to Taehyung's movement. “I’m, I’m suh- sorry, sorry, sorry. Please du- don’t.” But then they’re back, this time placed firmly on his shoulder, but they’re not Jeongguk hands, they’re Hoseok’s. Even though a small part of Taehyung knows who it is, that his hallucinated father is over there, he still flinches regardless. 

“Don’t what?” Jimin says softly, looking ready to move with his boyfriend towards Taehyung but doesn't want to crowd him. 

He knew, knew his father would never leave him, that he’d return one way or another. No matter how much love and support he gets, he’s still a broken man traumatised by his own mistakes. “H-he’s ‘gonna hit me, ‘s ‘cos I’m b-bad.” 

With unsteady trembles rushing through his system, Taehyung lifts his dead weight arm despite its protest and points in the exact direction his father stands, his eyes never once leaving Taehyungs. Everyone snaps their head in sync, looking for a figure that's not there. But he is, why can anyone see that his father has come back for him and he’s  _ right there _ .

Understanding seems to rise in Yoongi’s expression, comprehending the situation. “Your father’s not there, Tae. You’re with us, safe.” He assures, his soft features now hard, twisting into a determined scowl. 

“He is, h-he’s there, pluh- please.” Taehyung continues to plead a few more times before he can’t separate his word vomit from actual vomit. His body jolts from the pressured concentration to now hurl and embarrass himself further but terror is starting to take over his body completely and it’s hard to care right now. Jimin notices since he’s the first off the floor, up and running towards a cabinet where he knows a cooking bowl would be.  _ They’ll just have to throw it out after,  _ is what Taehyung thinks as he’s spilling his contents of his last meal.

The motion hurt, throat burning despite having done this several times before. There’s a small hand rubbing circular motion on his back, Jeongguk’s hand - part of Taehyung’s dazed mind acknowledges. But he’s burning, sweating and the need to take his thin top off never felt so strong. 

“Taehyung, breath. You’re with us, he’s not there.” Namjoon confirms with one last glance at the direction Taehyung’s eyes are fixed on. Almost wanting to reassure himself that there’s no strange man in the apartment, Taehyung’s fear is so real, making Namjoon almost think he’s there. 

Taehyungs shaking his head, tear stain tracks gushing down his cheek, eyes puffy yet wide with horror. “He’s come b-back for me, wuh-want revenge ‘cos he wuh- wuh-“ he doesn’t realise he’s hyperventilating, words coming out in a scramble. “Went to prison. Bu- but I killed her, I’m the one w-who did it ‘n he died in there.” He finishes with a sob, violently shaking and his chest tightening. When did his wound start to throb? Old scars feeling like they’re ripped anew, bleeding internally. 

“Who’d ya kill, huh? It’s okay, you can tell us.” Hoseok says, his usually bubbly persona twisted into fear and concern for his friend. Taehyung shakes his head, visibly clamping his lips closed to show he’s not going to talk.

“Tae,” Jeongguk croaks, eyes watery. “It’s okay, we all love you. You can trust us.” Then Taehyung’s opening his mouth, bottom lip trembling. 

“I-I didn’t mean t’, ‘just wanted to give i-it to her. B-but it wasn’t m-my money, dad th-thought she took it and- and-“ Taehyung’s full blown wailing, sobs ripping from his lungs and the sound is ear splitting, devastating for anyone who hears. He’s tearing at his top, trying to grasp and show them the pendant that hangs around his neck like guilt. “He k-kept hurting me, huh- hurting her ‘cos of me.”

They seem to understand what he’s referring to.

_ He tried to give his mother a gift with his fathers money. _

_ He abused them. _

“I’m sorry! ‘M sorry, ‘just wanted her to have it ‘n it kuh-killed her. H-he pushed her and- and there was suh- so much b-blood.” someone gasps, sobs. Seokjin’s hand coming up to cover his mouth, everyone not looking too dissimilar. 

His father moves and Taehyung begins thrashing about, spit from his screaming flying everywhere as he relents against his friends hold. It’s all so wrong, he feels like he’s dying, suffocating from the fear and terror. “Fuck! Tae, listen to me, listen!” Yoongi’s holding his shoulders, shaking them so the younger would just look at him and not the hallucination. “Look! It’s me, he’s not there. You’re with us, he’s not there.”

“That’s right,” Jeongguks agreeing, frantically nodding his head whilst tears scatter from the movement. “Look at me, I’m here, I’m with you.” 

He does look, his gaze forced upon his friends surrounding him, blocking the person he’s terrified of and is sure still lurks in the shadows. Taehyung hyperventilation ceases and evens into something less frantic and a little calmer, though it doesn’t go completely. Jeongguks pixelated face soon morphs into something much clearer. 

Suddenly his body feels heavy, fear turning into dread at the realisation of his mistake. 

_ I’m in my apartment with my friends. _

_ My father isn’t there.  _

Taehyung glances behind Jimin's ear just to make sure, but finds they’re right and no one is there. The shame is unbearable, torture as he brings Jeongguks figure closer so he’s hugging the younger’s slim waist and burying his face in Jeongguks top, dampening the garment with his less violent sobs. “M sorry, so- so sorry.” 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Yoongi breaths, his hand on Taehyung's shoulder not letting up. He’s not sure if he’s squeezing to comfort Taehyung or ground himself, reassuring himself Taehgung’s okay. 

“‘M sorry.” He mumbles again, feeling utterly drained and shit. 

“No, we’re sorry, Tae. We should’ve seen this sooner.” 

He can hear the guilt in Hoseok's voice but doesn’t have it in him to reassure Hoseok that it’s not his fault, how could they possibly have known this was going to happen. 

“You’re okay, things will be okay.” Jeongguk whispers like it’s a secret that’s shared between the seven of them. 

“We’ve got you.”

  
  


***

  
  


_ “... sometimes, it is vital to understand that certain psychological conditions may have arisen from some traumatic experience of the individual. His schizophrenia symptoms include visual hallucination of his father, resulting in dysfunctions such as insomnia in Taehyung's case. In this stage it’s crucial to show him he’s important. Taehyung has to want to live, want to get better, want to heal, and it takes love to bring him to that better place.”  _

  
  


***

  
  


Taehgung already hates it, hates being locked up and detached from everything else. He hates it because he thinks they treat him like he’s mentally unstable, like there’s a screw gone loose. But the reality is that they don’t, everyone has treated Taehyung with nothing but understanding and respect, it’s why he hates it here all the more because how can  _ anyone _ understand.

His psychiatrist is pretty, another face a part of him wants to ruin, twist her calm words, smiling, bright face into sobs. But then he feels sick, suddenly the idea is no longer entertaining. That’s been happening a lot, a spark of need to fall back into his old destructive habits only to feel instantly ill and empty afterwards. It’s part of his psychiatrist’s doing, making him see how the people he hurt are nothing more than him getting back at the people who never helped him, turned a blind eye to the abuse that he went through. Even though Taehgung knew it wasn't their fault, it felt easier to use people when you didn’t know them. But if he did, when his doctor had explained that if he was to truly get to know them then he wouldn’t have wanted to. 

Now it all seems so petty, so pointless in the grand scheme of things. 

“Have you had any nightmares recently?” Taehyung shakes his head ‘no’ and she smiles, writing something down on her clipboard - something he found incredibly cliche and over the top but whatever - whilst muttering a ‘ _ good.’ _

It’s been two weeks and three days since he last had a nightmare about his past, and that’s with sleeping on the bed. The first few months was hard, took a lot of restless nights and an aching body for Taehgung to finally give into the need for a comfortable bed. 

_ OCD. _

That’s what his doctor had described his need to sleep on the floor.

“ _ Your OCD tendency stemmed from the traumatic experience of watching your mother have to go through the abuse, you feel the need to sleep on the floor since that’s where you were safest, beside your mother as she slept. _ ”

Taehyung had learnt to accept his father is actually gone, even got a chance to see if for himself since his body was cremated. “ _ You’re allowed to feel grief, no matter how poorly this man treated you, he was a part of your childhood and it’s hard to let that part of yourself go. _ ” 

Alone in his room, Taehyung did cry then, but not because he missed the man by any means. No, he cried because he was finally letting go of his fathers words, finally seeing himself as something more than just skin wrapped around bones, finally seeing himself as worth something to others. So he cried, and cried, accepting that the man who abused him was no longer going to hurt him, that chapter of his life is slowly finishing, as long as he is strong enough to move on from it. It will always be there, there’s no escaping that last, but he can grown. 

“What of your brother? It was visitations yesterday, did you see him?” She simpered and adjusts her skirt for the umpteenth time today. No matter how many times she tugs it down, it’s still far too short for professionalism and won’t fix the disaster that is that outfit. 

“Yeah, I did. He’s grown, y’know. But I can still see his old self in him, just… happier. I’m jealous really, ‘wanna be like that.” His psychiatrist beams, her white teeth on display.

“Good, that’s good. You will be at the rate you're going. You’ve come to terms with your trauma and facing everything you couldn’t before, it’s groundbreaking, you should be very proud.” Taehyung shrugs, but he admits he feels better, like he can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel kind of ordeal. 

It was… nice, seeing his brother that is. Scary at first of course, because despite telling his friends everything about his past, finally spilling the turmoil that lives in his head and painting a vivid picture, his brother is the only one left who truly knows what happened. 

They spoke, they cried. 

“ _ I’m sorry. _ ” Juwon had apologised, vague but Taehyung knew exactly what for. His brother was the one to blame him before Taehyung could even acknowledge what had happened. 

“ _ You did this.”  _ Juwon had said moments after his mother had died. The words ring in his head even now, but they don’t hold much gravity as they once did. Taehyung has come to terms with the fact he wasn’t the one to physically push his mother, though the guilt never truly goes. That’s a whole other thing. Yet, he grows from it, sees it for what it and not for what he used to believe. 

Contrary to what Taehyung argued, screamed and fought for people to see, he realises he’s not a bad person, not then anyway. What he did, he thought was right, only wanted to make his mother happy and he was far too young to truly understand it all. 

He needed heavy dosages of medication and physical restraint during the earliest stages of his medical treatment. He’d rarely listen to anyone, his father was in the corner with him, staring down with those heavy, dark eyes that used to make Taehyung scream in the night. His hallucinations of his dad were so real that it put him in physical danger, trying to escape through windows, desperately wanting to relapse just so that man would go for a while.

It was hard. It took a lot out of him, but the support from his hyungs, his brother now, Jeongguk. It all helped, motivated him.

Music was his safe haven of sorts, the playlist Jeongguk once made him became a frequent routine at night, helping him drift off and obeid the nightmares. 

Jeongguk would visit frequently, update him on everything and anything after asking how Taehyung is. Each time they’d kiss and exchange ‘I love you,’ not caring whose gaze is on them, their only focus on eachother. 

At one point, Taehyung tried to break it off. Beg Jeongguk to find someone better since he wasn’t doing well, wasn’t getting better. Taehyung didn’t want to bring Jeongguk down the road of destruction along with his hyungs. 

The younger cried, yelled his protests in violent sobs. 

Taehyung couldn’t take the sight, wrapping Jeongguk in his arms, he whispered apologies over and over again. In the end, his love for his loved ones pushed him to work hard enough to a faster recovery. He just wanted to leave this dump, go back to work with Yoongi and see everyone in his own time, not visitation hours. 

“Yeah, I am proud.”

  
  


***

  
  


“...Attachment theory: the theory argues that a secure emotional and physical relationship to at least one primary caregiver in your early years of life, is very critical to a child’s development. If a solid, well attached relationship does exist, then that child will feel safe enough to explore, knowing there's always that safe place, someone to return to where you’re loved.”

For Taehyung, his bond was weak, broken from early stages of his life. He had his mother yes, but his home never felt like a home with their abusive father. Because of the child abuse, Taehyung’s learnt he portrays a different attachment style; disorganized attachment. He yearns for physical and emotional affection yet is fearful to actually get close to someone when the reality of it brings back times where he’s been vulnerable and hurt because of it, leading to believe the same will happen again. He’s afraid to leave or explore a world where he has no where to return to. 

“ _ You don’t know how to connect with others in ways that aren’t harmful to all parties involved, honest and real affection seems far harsher than what you’ve been brought up with...” _

Taehyung cried. The medical side of things really brings light to everything that’s happened, every traumatic experience that’s come to pass. He’s never been able to express the feeling, always thinking he’s wrong, broken to not be able to put the true horror of what he feels into words. Finally having someone say it for him opened up a dam of years of hurt, tears gushing down in a rush. 

Behind the tears is a smile. Knowing, despite all the trauma, the pain and hurt, that he’s made it to the other side. The affection he was deprived from, lost as soon as he lost his mother, he now feels it from his friends, his family. Accepting that they won’t hurt him like he’s used to, their words laced with care and warmth rather than venom. 

He smiles.

  
  


***

  
  
  


“Tae,” Jeongguk beams from where he entered the room. It’s finally visitation day today and it’s even more special because it’s Jeongguk’s day. The younger is charging towards him, speed walking at a pace that could be considering jogging but Taehyung doesn't care, rushing towards his boyfriend before embracing him in a bear hug, whispering “I missed you.” over and over. 

They kiss and it’s everything Taehyung needed, his new kind of drug that motivates him to be better rather than the destroying effects cocaine brought. 

The pair eventually move, pulling apart under watchful eyes, especially after someone coughs.  _ Fuck them _ , Taehyung thinks, kissing him in the middle of the room before dragging the younger towards his own section. 

Taehyung can’t explain how much he’s missed the younger, the constant longing, his body aches just to be in the same room as Jeongguk. “How are you?”

It’s like a gush of fresh air hearing him talk, an escape from the place he’s trapped in for a few more weeks - so long as everything continues at a steady pace and Taehyung doesn’t do anything drastic. “I’m good, better. Not long and I’ll be walking out them doors with you rather than watching the back of your cute head leave me. 

Jeongguk snorts, eyes turning up into little crescents as he smiles, giggles. It’s adorable,  _ god I've missed him.  _

They chat for a while longer, exchanging stories here and there. Jeongguk tells him a particular story about Yoongi thinking he was alone in his apartment, hoovering in nothing but his red underwear whilst singing some overly popular pop song at the top of his voice. Yoongi was shocked to discover both Jeongguk and Jimin in the room, practically throwing fits on the floor laughing. 

“ _ I’ve never seen him go so red _ !”

Jeongguk suddenly turns coy, biting the end of his nail whilst looking at Taehyung with his wide, doe like eyes. It’s a look he’s familiar with, reminding him of some of that innocence Jeongguk showed when they first met, wide eyed and unsure. They’ve grown, Taehyung realises, much stronger, comfortable but even more in love. 

“What’s wrong?” Taehyung suddenly says, breaking off from what he was previously saying. He squeezes the hand he has laced between Jeongguk’s own, encouraging him to spill his obvious turmoil. 

The abrupt nail biting stops. “I saw your brother, Juwon.” Taehyung nods in understanding, offering a kind smile coupled with another squeeze for reassurance. “He’s nice, I liked him. Kinda looks like you. Shame he has a girlfriend because if we didn’t work out I’d- ow!” Taehyung digs his fingernails into his boyfriend's knuckles rather harshly, crescent shaped marks now decorate his hand. Jeongguk smirks, laughing. 

“But seriously, how’d that go?” Taehyung hums, rubbing his thumb over Jeongguk’s knuckles, now feeling slightly bad since the marks turn a very light shade of purple. 

“It was… different, nice in a way but also kind of scary, y’know.” Jeongguk nods as a smile tries to break loose, his lips quirking at the edge with his obvious joy, relieved at the news. “I missed him, I’ve missed a lot actually but we’ve both had a small talk about the past, Juwon’s already come to terms with everything that’s transpired over the years. It’s something I couldn’t do, he wished he was there but it wasn’t his fault, I didn’t let him help me. I didn’t let any of you help me.” Taehyung frowns, his mind lingering on how he could’ve been living happily like his brother if he’d just let people in, get help when he needed it. 

“Hey, don’t say that. Look how far you’ve come. Taehyung, I’m so proud,  _ we’re _ so proud of you.” Jeongguk let’s his smile show, his words ringing true from the obvious gleam in his eyes. 

Taehyung chuckles lightly, his mind lingering on a few words his brother had said during his visit. “He said the same thing to me, that he was proud. I told him about you, y’know, explained how much you meant to me.” Jeongguks doe eyes noticeably widen.

“You told Juwon about us? That we’re-“

“Boyfriends?” Taehyung finishes for the younger, tilting his head at an angle in a light hearted way, his face breaking out in a vibrant smile at the word. They haven’t had a discussion per say, it’s more like Taehyung had tested the word on his tongue, calling Jeongguk his boyfriend and shocking the younger into silence. The word felt foreign at first, having never called a partner the name of their relation. Yet, it felt right, ‘boyfriend’ not being a strong enough word to describe what they are, how much Taehyung cares. But then he’s brought back to a time when Jeongguk had called them that first, and Taehyung shut the name of endearment down. The look on the younger’s face will forever be stained in his mind, so it felt right calling him it now. 

“Yes, that.”

Taehyung nods once, confirming. He hadn’t hesitated to explain to his brother what himself and Jeongguk are, if Juwon was to judge them then it wouldn’t have changed much. Granted, Taehyung might’ve been a little upset his brother still doesn’t accept him, but if anyone was to ask, Taehyung would deny such sentiment. He was proved wrong when he brother offered a sweet smile, stating he wanted to meet Jeongguk in a strong, confident voice. 

“And he was okay with that? You were okay with telling him that?” Taehyung hums, brushing his overgrown hair back with his free hand, he needs to cut it that’s for sure. “When we met, Juwon gave me this odd look before smiling. He said he can see why you like me, I thought he just meant as friends.” Taehyung chuckles as Jeongguk’s realisation, placing a small kiss to his boyfriend's lips. 

“What did everyone else think of him?” Taehyung mumbles against his lips, the movement making them brush. 

It’s Jeongguk turn to hum, thinking. “They liked him, said he reminded them of you. Yoongi has a vague memory of Juwon, it was kinda awkward between them at first, ‘think Yoongi was mad Juwon wasn’t there for you.” Taehyung raises an eyebrow at that, but he gets it. Taehyung wanted to be mad too, but over the weeks his anger fizzled away, replaced by a new set of hope and longing to make it work with everyone, that includes his brother. 

“He wants to stay in my life, I don’t know why he’d wanna do that.” He chuckles with no real humour. Taehyung glances down at Jeongguk’s neck, seeing a faint chain peeking through the thin material of his top. He knows what lies beneath it since Taehyung was the one to offer the pendant up to him. It was before Taehyung left home to come here, a particularly good night shared between the two. Filled with whispers of endearment, lingering touches. Taehyung already made his mind up days ago, waiting for the perfect moment to offer the necklace he once bought for someone special, now finally able to give it to someone he loves.

“Because he’s your brother, he cares like we all care.” Taehyung looks back up.

He sighs, slumps back in his chair. “I keep thinking everyone will just suddenly turn around and hate me. Not so much anymore, but sometimes… sometimes that part of me comes back for a minute and my mind drifts to everything I’ve done, I’m then left questioning it all. It’s only for a moment though.” 

The younger kisses his hand, the touch soft and barley there but it holds all the sentiment it needs. His body fills with warmth like a blanket on a cold day, it’s cliche but fuck it. “I’ll just have to keep proving it to you then, for everyday so long as you’ll have me.” Jeongguk’s smile only grows, the one that shows his two front teeth, and Taehyung’s left wondering how to tell the beautiful man in front of him how much of Taehyung he holds in his dainty hands. How Jeongguk never fails to leave him breathless, every moment Taehyung falls deeper in love. 

Taehyung’s spent most of his life running away from his fears, but for the first time in his life, he feels like stopping for a while, now having a moment to catch his breath and actually take in his surroundings. How can he express his love and gratitude in a mere few words? He can’t, but boy is he going to spend the rest of his life trying because that’s what they deserve, that’s what Taehyung wants to give. He best get started. 

“Thank you, Guk. Thank you for being that light at the end of the tunnel, the bridge to all the destruction. Thank you for being my family.”

Taehyung is far from a full recovery, he’ll always have his set backs and doubts. He’ll have to undertake years of therapy to ensure he doesn’t fall back into his old ways, but with his loved ones, his family, Taehyung’s sure he’ll be okay.

And when Jeongguk leaves later, whispering ‘I love you’ against his lips, when each week drags into feeling like a lifetime but Taehyung is finally released, finally with his hyungs where they come together and celebrate. That’s when Taehyung remembers his thanks to Jeongguk and translated it to them, thanking them for loving him, thanking them for being his family. 

Because that’s what they are, his family. 

  
  


***

  
  


Taehyung remembers how the word ‘family’ used to bring such sorrow, such heart wrenching fear. The single word reminding him how he had a broken one, a family that never could’ve been fixed no matter how much he had wished, prayed, dreamed. He craved that affection from two loving parents, parents who would tuck you in at night, kiss you on your forehead whilst whispering their love. Taehyung had lost the only thing dear, the only person who truly cared, only to be left with his father. Rather than a parent who tends to your cuts and bruises with loving hands and soothing words, he had one who created the yellow and purple marks, decorating every inch of his body like an artist would it’s canvas. The difference is, an artist would paint beauty, his father painted destruction. 

_ “Family.”  _ That word no longer makes him feel small, no longer reminds him of his loss and misfortunes. He realises that he’s had a family all along, they’ve been here with him this whole time, but Taehyung was too blinded by his hate, clouded by his anxiety and trauma to see it. Now all he feels is warmth, it radiates from his skin, through his body to his bones, he feels it when he touches Jeongguk, when he sees that bright smile that lifted a fog and revealed a light. He feels it when he’s with his friend’s, his brothers. 

The lasting affects of a single word, “family.” The affects that once felt sour, now feels like home. 

  
  


The end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy mother of-  
> I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S FINISHED!   
> Gosh, this has taken almost a year to create and I’ve loved almost every minute of it, I’m so sad for it to finally end. I’m attached to the story, despite having my doubts with certain parts, but I feel as if my writing had grown immensely compared to the first few chapters. It makes me excited for future stories, I just enjoy writing so much.  
> God, I just can’t thank everyone enough for the support and love from people, I’m so so so pleased people liked my story, it means so much it’s unreal.  
> The comments- each comment makes my day, I have the biggest smile every time I get a new comment I can reply to.   
> Seriously, it means the world so thank you all so much! <3  
> I hope the ending is what everyone expected or had hoped? I wanted the audience to see snippets of his healing process, a time skip of certain moments. For someone to go through that much trauma, it’s impossible to just suddenly fully heal, there will always be set backs and relapses. But Taehyung, he’s learning and growing, he’s moving from the spot he’s been stuck at for years and that’s what this last chapter is about.   
> He now realises he has people that do love him, rather than pushing them away he’s learning to return the affection and love.   
> Family has always been an enigma, a far away dream of his. Taehyung never understood what that word really had meant, it only reminded him of his trauma, but now he’s seen a different side, a happier and more context side. 
> 
> I hope you guys understood what I went for there, I mostly hope you enjoyed it snd wasn’t disappointed.   
> As always, please let me know what you guys think. I’ll take any and all opinions, good or bad.   
> Kudos and comments keep an Author alive!
> 
> Thank you all so much again, I’ll leave my Twitter at the end if anyone wants to talk or wants to find out updates for upcoming series. Love you all <3  
> [Twitter: @loveofkookie](https://twitter.com/loveofkookie)


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